A liberting depression

All in all this last week has been a bit of a quiet week in the world of Gretta.

I've not spent any time with Jerk Boy and in fact had very little contact with him. He does however want to start persuing a friend and I'm not jealous but.... I do feel like the less time he spends with me while he's persuing this girl is actually not good. I miss the time we spend together and in that sense I am a bit jealous that he'd rather spend his time with someone else. I know that's really selfish of me but there we go when you're that close to someone it happens.

Climber Dude paid me very little attention when in London and has now given me the impression he isn't interested at all. So, Scotty maybe it wasn't a "date" afteral and I was right all alone!!!

Flatmate and I are very much drifting a part. I did chat to him about the fact that I thought Climber Dude was interested and I didn't want to rule him out and I am just letting him know that I am de-attaching myself and that I'm gona move on. When I first told him that (online because now we don't contact each other in any other way) he didn't seem to be bothered at all. Then last night when I told him I was tired after having a busy weekend he said to me "is that because you were busy with Climber Dude?" and I said "No" and he said "yeah right I bet you were busy with Climber Dude" and I excused myself to go to bed because I was so tired. I don't like talking to him when he's like that for some reason there is still so much raw emotion there. Like I'd hate to think he's been mulling over in his head whether something would happen with me and Climber Dude and the fact is the more time goes on the more convinced Climber Dude isn't into me anyway but clearly Flatmate must have thought about it and I really shouldn't have said a thing to him, I'm beginning to wish I hadn't.

There's nothing else really to add on the boy front, just that really there isn't a boy front at the moment. It's bother liberating and oppressing if that makes sense.

London

Ramblings of Gretta

London was great. Had an awesome time. Might post some pics when I get chance, might not. I'm feeling fairly indecisive.

In other news: I can't stop eating.. My appetite seems to have increased somewhat over the past 3 days. I guess it could be nearly that time when my boobs get bigger grrrr how I hate that time.

* Edit Edit *

More News Just In: The company I work for support several charities, local charities and charities abroad. It's one of the reasons I love where I work. So, I'm generally in contact with the people that work at these charities and last week on of the ladies from a charity that raises money for street children in Brazil told me they were holding a cake sale to try and raise money. So, on Friday evening (before going out for curry) I whipped up some of my homemade chocolate brownies.

I've just received this email from the lady who told me about the cake sale in the first place..

"Hi Gretta

Oh my goodness, your brownies are legendary!! I broke my two day old diet to try one and ended up buying in bulk, although to be fair, I did let hubby have two of them!! So Thankyou so much for those"

__

Awwww how cute was that.

To the point...

Last night went for a curry with some friends.

Climber Dude was there

So, was intellect, the girlfriend I'm going to London with.

I happened to mention that we were going to London on Sunday.

Climber Dude was like "I love London, and I'm free. Can I come?"

So, guess what....

It's now me, Intellect and Climber Dude going to London.

Is it ok for me to be feeling slightly sufficated right now?

Ukky busy fun weekend.

After my cancelled evening I ended up going round a friend’s house. There was about 6 of us there. Jerk Boy included in that group.

I have been feeling pretty yuk these past few days, you know when you are just a bit run down and you start getting a sore throat and your hair starts going into bad condition and your skin isn’t normal. Well, last night I was feeling really yuk, I was really cold and shivery it was horrible.

Jerk Boy noticed I was cold and gave me his zip up top to wear over what I was wearing, and then he was being really sweet to me the whole night checking I was ok.

When Jerk Boy is like that he really is adorable, and if he was like that 24/7 he’d make some girl extremely happy but he’s not like that all the time, in fact it’s very rare when he’s like that. He can be jerking, irritating and act purposely like a dick more often than not. However, when the sweet side of Jerk Boy comes out I quite like lapping it up.

I spoke online to Flatmate yesterday, when I first started chatting to him he was being the dick head he told me he was when I first met him, however the longer we chatted the Flatmate I fell for was creeping out and that’s when I decided to end the conversation. When he is a prick he reminds me of all of the things he is.

He’s the guy that cheated on his girlfriend and didn’t give a toss.

He’s the guy that made promises just to get what he wanted.

He’s the guy that was one person one minute and a different person the next.

Let’s face it who wants to be with a guy like this. There was a point in my life where I would have been extremely jealous of Gifty because she has something I wanted. But now I just feel sorry for the girl because she has a tosser for a boyfriend and she doesn’t even know it.

Only yesterday he told me that he didn’t find her pretty. If my boyfriend was saying that behind my back (well I wouldn’t know he was) but if I did know I’d be pissed as and want to kick him to the curb. He really is a prick. Why was I so blind to it? I just don’t know now – I’m just glad he’s not fooling me anymore.

I have a busy weekend planned. Saturday I am going to help best friend move, see I managed to conquer my tiredness to do the right thing in the end and on Sunday me and another girlfriend have arranged a day trip to London. I love London, I don't visit there enough. I haven’t done the London sights for ages, so it’s going to be quite the day. At least I hope it will be, I just hope it stops raining. I’m done with all the rain.

The stirred pot

"OK: are you starting to have feelings for this guy?

Cause you're spending a lot of time wondering if things are or aren't a date and he hasn't even kissed or tried to kiss you (has he?!)...

Me thinks you're starting to like the idea of Climber Dude, whether you like him or not.

Big question is: Is it the attention? Or him?

Sorry - can't ever help but stir the pot a little ;o)"

_____

So, in response to Betty stirring my pot - the thing about Climber Dude goes a bit like this.

Am I getting feelings for him?

I don’t think so.

Has he tried to kiss me?

No

Is it the attention or him?

Most likely the attention.

___

So, with all this in mind why has it become such a big thing?

This is where I will explain a little.

When I first met Climber Dude I was besotted with Jerk Boy, it was during the period when I had the biggest crush on Jerk Boy going and I will openly confess I outrageously flirted with Climber Dude with one aim in mind, to get Jerk Boy jealous. At the time I didn’t realise that Climber Dude would become a fixture in our group of friends and wasn’t too concerned about hurting him as I didn’t think I’d be seeing him again.

He then became a fixture in our group of friends, but because of his travelling and stuff he’s not always around which makes things a little easier. Once Jerk Boy made it clear to me that me and him would only ever be “just” friends I had no use for Climber Dude and stopped flirting with him. However, being a member of the friendship group could also cause a lot of difficulties too because if I play up like I like to do and I play up with Climber Dude my friends wont be happy. I get told of for being the Dirty Wild one enough as it is.

So, I’ve basically messed around a bit with Climber Dude’s feelings in the past, I can say in the past he definitely had feelings for me even though I didn’t let him pursue them. I still reckon the mixed signals I gave out during that time did really confuse the poor boy.

This is why, it’s a bigger thing for me, because I don’t want to lead him on, I don’t want to screw with his head like I did in the past and the fact of the matter is this could well be me rebounding after Flatmate and although having the attention is very nice and rebounding is often a good thing, you know that saying 'the best way to get over someone is to get under someone' but the thing is Climber Dude isn’t going to be in it for the short haul. He’s never had a girlfriend since I’ve known him, he’s a very sensible guy, and to be honest with you he’s not a guy I can pick up put down just because I need a little bit of fun and attention. If I pick up Climber Dude, it means I am potentially picking up a long relationship, not a quick bit of fun, not a quick bit of attention, but a long committed relationship. And that’s why it’s a big thing.

This probably doesn’t make much sense and I’ve probably over analysed things way too much but I know the type of guy Climber Dude is and if anything is to come of this, it means it’s for the long haul and Gretta just isn’t comfortable or ready for that and that's why meeting his brother and girlfriend for dinner seems just too scary at this point and even if it is just a casual dinner I'm just not sure I want to be in that position where his brother assumes I am Climber Dude's girlfriend, it's added pressure that I don't need.

And Betty you can come stir my pot any time ;)

What to do now?

So, the most complicated 'possible' date ever.

Last night I was out with Jerk Boy we were chatting ourselves silly actually, flirting a little, but generally having fun like me and Jerk Boy do.

He often stares at my boobs mainly because I let him for while before placing my finger under his chin and bringing his eyes to eye level.

He often brings up the past, the days when I had a crush on him and again I allow him to because it gives him a boost of ego

He often says things to me that imply we're in a relationship and it's then when I tend not to let him get away with it, which is when I give him the stare of death which means now you've taken things one step too far, back off or we will have a row.

And generally that works for our friendship.

While I was with Jerk Boy last night I missed a call from Climber Dude. I didn't even feel my phone vibrate in my bag which is very unusual. When I got home it was really late and didn't want to call him back so I text him saying..

"Is everything ok? I missed a call from you"

To which he replied this and I haven't responded yet coz I don't have a clue what to do and I wanted to consult you guys before replying please help this is an urgent plea... His text said this..

"Wanted to speak to you about Thursday. I am gona have to change the plans I'm afraid. My bro's water has been cut off and him and his girlfriend are going to come over my place to use my shower and for some dinner. I'm cooking, so you fancy dinner at mine?"

I don't know what to respond to that. I've never met his brother before and I know I've been saying all along I don't "think" it's a date. However a family type meal sounds a little too scary at this stage. What do I do. Do I not go and have no stress about saying no or do I be brave and assume it's just dinner with a friend?

HELP.

p.s I am so glad I never answered the call in front of Jerk Boy I wouldn't have heard the end of it if he thought I was going to Climber Dude's for dinner.

Bright and Breezy

I spoke to Flatmate last night. It wasn't intentional. I was online chatting with Batman he's been having girl troubles lately and was asking my advice about it all, not that I am really very qualified to give out relationship advice and then Flatmate appeared to start a conversation with me it started off with "oi". Well, that's nice isn't no "hi how are you?" just "oi". Anyway we chatted for a bit and I don't know what was wrong with me but I didn't want him to think that I'd missed him. So, I tried to be as bright and breezy as possible in the end he was like "what the heck is wrong with you, have you been drinking it seems like you're acting a bit like a piss head"

LOL so much for my bright and breezy I obviously came across as a lunatic. HAHA. Anyway, I felt very much in control when after acting the lunatic saying "I'm off to bed" before we could even get into any deep and meaningfuls or anything. It felt good.

Thought for the day...

I just read the quote below.

"The end of a thing is better than the beginning"

and I think that's partly for 2 reasons.

1. If you end something because it's finished it means you've achieved your outcome.

2. If you end something that isn't right for you then you've ended something because there is better to come.

If somethign doesn't end it's because it's going well and it's not over, it might never be over and that's good.

I don't understand.....

This pop art thing... So, I saw Climber Dude last night. Actually I found myself watching the door while at a friends house. Once they told me he was coming, I seemed to find myself wanting him to turn up. This concerns me, some people have been talking about 'zing' a lot on their blogs lately and I have no 'zing' with Clibmer Dude but why do I find myself looking forward to him turning up. Strange.

So, he turned up and we arranged a night for this pop art thing. He is going to come over after work on Thursday, to start sketching me. This is all a little odd I have to say. He works shifts and I realised he's pretty much be coming straight from work, so I've offered to cook him dinner. Now I'm a little weirded out, because I can't figure out what's going on with him really.

We went for lunch which I still don't believe was a date but just lunch, then he started being really mean to me (which I really don't like and I wont be spoken to like that). THen he offers to try and pop art me and now it's turned into me cooking for him while doing it and I now must admit this sounds more like a very odd date than lunch but nothings been done or said by him to give me that impression. He's never once tried anything on with me and I have no intention of trying anything on with him.

So where does that leave me?

I've decided that on Thursday I am going to ask him why he is often mean to me in front of other people making comments like

"Gretta, it's always the pub with you isn't it?"

And

"Gretta, do you eat chocolate, EVERY DAY?"

These sort of comments make me feel really crap about myself. So, if I tell him I don't like it when he says things like that maybe he'll stop saying them and if he stopped saying them then that would be a good thing because I quite enjoy spending time with him when he's not being mean to me. Oh I don't understand anything at the moment. It's all to complicated. :(

I miss him

Naturally I love weekends, but at the moment weekends seem to be when I miss Flatmate the most. I guess mainly because we used to spend Friday night and sometimes Saturday mornings together.

Out of my desperation I decided to text Teddy. I know he hasn't replied to my emails but it's the end of July and this is when he was 'suppose' to be visiting. I didn't really know what to text him so I thought if I text him by mistake then maybe he'd reply. I'm an idiot but it was worth a try. He didn't respond. I guess I really have to just appreciate that me and Teddy's paths aren't gona cross again. It was always a long shot anyway.

As for Flatmate, I miss him. I really do.

Pop Art Model Gretta!!

I went out for lunch today with Climber Dude and his friend, we will call his friend Music Man. So I went for lunch with Climber Dude and Music Man. It was a nice lunch and we chin wagged about the new guitar Climber Dude had just bought after taking my advice of waiting until after his pay package.

I was chatting about how I really like Pop Art, and I have 2 favourite pop artists. Roy Lichtenstein and Andy Warhol (google them, they’re stuff is fab). Then I remembered that Climber Dude is pretty good at sketching art. Often on his climbing adventures he’ll sketch mountains and scenery so I asked him if he’d ever done any pop art stuff, or any slightly unique or funky art.

Anyhow, in the end we ended up deciding that he’ll get some canvas and some acrylic paint, and if I pay for that he’ll come over and attempt to do a pop art portrait of me. It’s quite scary really but it also sounds like a heap of fun.

So, now I have to figure out, what to wear and how to have my make up, at first I was thinking sophistication with a bun in my hair and some bright red lipstick, but now I am thinking geisha like could be quite groovey with some top eye list black eye liner doing something funky. Hmmm I need to figure out how to look and practice on my poses.

He did mention that he’d never done it before and I’m not to be upset if it turns out odd, but I just think it will be quite cool really.

Late night rant.

Flatmate is online. He hasn't said hello to me but he's at work. However, I don't want to start a conversation with him either right now so that's ok. I was only intending on popping online to check my email after a night out with friends. Yet, I find myself here wondering why Flatmate hasn't started a conversation with me. Maybe he's now wanting to push me away, to be honest he can do what he wants. I feel ok about things at the moment, I felt after that long chat the other day I got a lot of stuff off my chest and for the first time ever he told me exactly how it is.

So, today's been a slightly crappy day. Best Friend is stressing over wedding stuff and to be honest I also managed to upset her. I've been working hard lately and out of work I've also had some stuff to deal with.

1st: A member of my family is going through a divorce and I've been being a support to her.

2nd: A girl I used to work with found out her husband was having an affair and the girl they adopted had basically pushed him into it, so she lost her husband and her daughter in one swoop and I've been attempting to be a friend to her. It's very hard to know what to say especially when she gets emotion (which thankfully is very rarely).

3rd: My Rock has just found out her man has slept with someone else and I've been contacting her daily.

4th: I've had all this business going on with Flatmate. Best Friend doesn't know about it because she doesn't ask me about my love life because most of the time she knows she can't stop me doing what I want to do.

5th: I've also been battling with a medical issue, it's nothing serious but it causes me some pain and a lot of frustration at times.

However, with all this in mind this has been quite a stressful year for me. Not that is any excuse. With all this going on I have neglected Best Friend a bit but I thought she's got her man, they are in love, he won't do a thing to hurt her at this point in time she doesn't need me anyway! So I mentioned to best friend I was gona take a day off work at some point. She asked me if I could help move some stuff into her new place, you see when I was planning the day off I'd already thought to myself I need a chill day, I need a day to myself, a day when I am not thinking about every situation that is going on around me. I tend to only write here about my business as it's not fair for me to write about others business but it has been tough dealing with these situations. So, my response to best friend was I'd really like to rest on my day off but I'm happy to help you out on a Saturday, just when she gave me the date of the Saturday I looked in my diary and already had plans.

This upset her, she felt that I should help her instead of resting. I then felt really bad and you know what all the above stuff is excuses, she's my best friend I should help her, it's just I'm tired, fed up and quite low at the moment. By the way Flatmate still hasn't started a conversation with me. So anyway, I just feel like I've upset best friend and pretty crap but that's my rant out of the way.

Now there is a bed calling my name.

Stolen From Betty who Stole it from Willow

1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE?


I'd build a house somewhere that was near to a city so I could shop, near to the beach so I could sit pondering life while gazing at the powerful ocean, and near the countryside so I could have fun in bails of hay ;). Hmmmm maybe somewhere in the South of France.

2. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLE OF CLOTHING?


Just 1? Ok I'll go with my fitted red jacket. I love the way it enhances my curves.

3. FAVORITE PHYSICAL FEATURE OF THE OPPOSITE SEX?


In risk of sounding like I'm copying Betty I am going to say eyes and smile but truth is I notice how a mans arms look. I like a man with good arms. Jerk Boy recently got a push up bar in his bedroom so he can work on his arms. This worries me as it could be leathal.

4. THE LAST CD THAT YOU BOUGHT?


I haven't bought a cd for so long, I genuinely don't remember. However I have placed an order for the latest CD of Jerk Boys band.

5. FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?


My Bed.

6. WHERE'S YOUR LEAST FAVORITE PLACE TO BE?


There's not many places I don't like to be. So maybe alone in a room with someone who blatently doesn't like me (that could be painful)/

7. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE PLACE TO BE MASSAGED?


My boobs but maybe more of a fondle..

8. WHAT'S MOST IMPORTANT, STRONG IN MIND OR STRONG IN BODY?


A mixture of both would be good.

9. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE IN THE MORNING?


My alarm goes off at 7.15 I usually hit snooze until 7.45.

10. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE?


Sharp knifes that cuts through meat easily :> (I sounds a bit twisted).

11. WHAT MAKES YOU REALLY ANGRY?


Poverty, seeing people hurting and in need. Being told what to do without being asked. ARRRGGH.

12. IF YOU COULD PLAY ANY INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE?


I tried to learn guitar a few years back but it wrecked my nails. I'm such a girl I couldn't follow it through.

13. FAVORITE COLOR?

Lamborghini yellow.

14. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV?


The above answer probably gives that away. I love a speedy lil sports car.


15. DO YOU BELIEVE IN AFTERLIFE?


Yes i do.

16. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK?


The Magic Faraway Tree – Enid Blyton oh my gosh Betty I love this book, Mr moonface and hot and cold ice-cream all the way. I so need to re-read it now. LOVE THIS BOOK thanks for the reminder.

17. YOUR FAVORITE SEASON?


Oh that's tough I would say summer but it's rained all summer here, so I am going to say autumn because the leaves change colour and you kind of know that there is a new year on the way and more change to come and it leaves me feeling excited with anticipation of the things to come.

18. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPER POWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE?


To be able to teleport myself somewhere *closes eyes teleport to san diego and outside Scotty's door, opens eyes* Oh darn it, it was worth a try ;). Scotty I'm only playing it's coz I've seen your arms.

19. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? WHY?


Nope I actually think they're ugly.

20. CAN YOU JUGGLE?

My co-ordination doesn't actualy exist so no.

21. THE ONE PERSON FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO?

Teddy. He didn't reply to my email and I want to check he's ok and I owe him money. I've never been in debt in my life and I'd like the opportunity to clear it.

22. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY?
Friday and my least is Tuesday. I don't understand why Tuesday is a day?

23. WHAT'S IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR?

In my boot is a first aid kit, 2 pairs of wedding shoes 1 healed and 1 flat as I got measured for a bridesmaid dress yesterday and a rucksack containing my rollerblades just in case the sun comes out long enough for me to go skating in the local park.

24. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER?


I hate fish, so hamburger but not one from mcdonnalds I hate mcdonnalds.

25. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CARTOON CHARACTER?


Tweety Pie. I used to love that yellow birdy.

26. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE MEAL?


Morrocan Atlas Lamb with couscous. Yum.

27. WHAT/WHO DO YOU REALLY LOVE?


Chocolate, chocolate and chocolate... Oh and my Family and friends. I really love them too.

28. PAPER OR PLASTIC?


paper (easier to recycle).

29. CASH, CHECKS, OR CREDIT CARDS SILLY?


I like cash, I rarely use cheques, and the person who invented credit cards I'd quite like to date.

30. ARE YOU HAPPY WITH YOUR LIFE?


It's a bit depressing at the moment but I figure I'd rather be single wanting to be in a relationship than to be in a relationship wanting to be single. So you just gotta be happy with what you've got.

Self Control.

Last night I went round a friend's house.

Jerk Boy was there and we were our usual bickering selves. He likes to test me and last night he was giving me a self control test, and put some cake in front of me and told me I wasn't allowed to eat it.

I have really bad self control and the friends that were there were giving reasons as to why I should eat the cake and Jerk Boy was giving me reasons as to why not to eat the cake....

Friend's Argument

1. You've never allowed a man to tell you what to eat and what not to eat. You should eat the cake.

Jerk Boy's Response.

1. That is emotional blackmail, just because guys have said things to you in the past doesn't mean that you should rebel now.

Friend's Argument

2. You look really good, you're weight is fine you don't need to lose any just eat the cake.

Jerk Boy's Response

2. All that is correct but this isn't a test about losing weight this is a test about your will power.

Friend's Argument

3. If you want the cake you should just have the cake.

Jerk Boy's Argument

3. You said you weren't hungry why eat the cake

It was like I had an angel on one shoulder and a devil on the other. I took the plate of cake, I started to take the cake off the plate. I looked up and saw Jerk Boy shaking his head at me in disappointment. I put the cake back on the plate and said I'm not gona have the cake.

Friend's Response

1. Do you do everything Jerk Boy tells you to do. What Jerk Boy says go.

My Response

1. No I don't do everything Jerk Boy tells me to do, I have my own mind and right now it's made. I'm not hungry, I don't want cake, and I'm learning willpower and self control.

Truth is if I couldn't overcome the need for cake when it's on a table in front of me, how on earth am I suppose to get through other situations. So, Jerk Boy was actually right last night to encourage me because without knowing it his encouragement taught me a very valuable lesson.

And Betty you latest blog and the willpower you displayed ASTOUNDED ME. Go you and go me.

The aftermath.

He didn't email me back but he was online this morning and we had a really good chat. It was really good.

He told me that he knew I'd be back in contact with him, he even said he didn't bother blocking me on msn because he knew I'd unblock him. I didn't tell him that I actually deleted him. He told me that he can't ever give me what I want and the he fears I am too attached. He said he was getting used to the idea of not talking to me but in saying that he said he did think about me a lot over the last few weeks we haven't chatted and he missed me but he can't give me what I want.

I asked him where we go from here baring in mind that I know how attached I've become nad how hard it is for me. He said he hates me hurting about it all but wants us to be friends and wants me to stop running (this isn't the first time I've blocked him and tried to delete him from my life). He lives in a different city, not too far away but I've actually never been to his place, he always comes to mine when he wants me and as he has Gifty I've always accepted that. I said to him if I were to turn up on your doorstep what would you do, if I said I've quit my job I want to live in your city and I want this to work? he said he didn't know what he'd do. I then said I'm not gona do that I just wanted to see you reaction and he said well I'm glad you're not gona do that.

It kind of says it all. He said to me he doesn't want me to hurt and he wants to remain my friend but he can never give me what I want. What I want is me and him and he can't give me that. I guess I've always known he's unwilling to give up Gifty. It's just funny that when this all started he would have been more than willing to give her up. I clearly left things too long. Then again him and Gifty were having issues when we first met.

Anyway, you're all gona think I am crazy for this but I've told him I am happy to remain friends with him and that I am gona try and de-tach myself from him. I told him it was his fault because I actually don't allow myself to get too close to people and when we first met I was reluctant to even have a friendship with him and he broke me down, he really tried hard to get my guards to fall and guess what eventually he suceeded and maybe I am "too" attached but I'm not the only one responsible for that because he gave me reason to believe he wanted me too. I told him that I feel closer to him than I do to anyone and that is purely because he made me open up to him. I wish someone single would do the same as what he did but I think the only reason I let him open me up was because he was in a relationship I felt safe with him.

Anyway, he'll never give me what I want but I am gona remain friends with him but I am also gona not be so attached at least that's the plan. Ok you can all tell me I am doing the wrong thing now but I tell you what he's never tried to control me and he's never made mean comments about my chocolate consumption. I told him about what Climber Dude said to me and he said that he sounds like a twat and he wants me to be happy.

So yeah I know I shouldn't hold on, and I am gona try and let go but boy do I just need someone to come and hold me close to them right now.

I'm the idiot.

I emailed him.

I probably shouldn't have but I don't care - I miss him and I hate the fact that I left him upset/angry at me.

I don't know what he's gona make of the email. I don't know what I bloody make of the email.

I'm not gona regret sending it but I'm unsure what I want to come from it. I'm thinking he aint gona reply to it.

If it weren't for Jerk Boy and Climber Dude pissing me off and making me feel like a worthless pile of shit I may have been stronger but Flatmate makes me feel loved and cherished and I really really really need that right now.

UGGGG.

I wanted him

As I reached forward to pick up my drink I knew full well my breast would rub against his arm. I intended it to. I looked at him and he had a cheeky grin on his face, I could see he wanted more so as he was quietly talking to the girl on his right I just let my leg touch his and placed my hand discreetly behind his back and gently stroked the skin that was showing a little, just above his jean belt. He didn’t stop me and I clearly knew we both wanted more.

Soon everyone began to leave, it just left us sat alone. I could feel my breathing getting slower in anticipation of what was to come, he seemed to be getting more and more flustered unsure what to do. In the room it was just him and me, I ran my fingers up the inside of his leg, I bit my lip and looked him straight in the eye to see if he wanted me to carry on. He looked straight back at me, his gaze caused my heart to skip a beat. This was wrong, this was very wrong, but we both wanted it, we both wanted more.

I placed his hands under my shirt and moved them up to my breast. He fondled around, at first it felt like he wasn’t sure what to do but soon enough he started to gently caress my nipples, they began to get harder and it felt so good. I closed my eyes and soaked up the attention, I could feel it going to my head and my cheeks going red with heat.

I wanted him. I wanted him. I wanted him.

I think I attract IDIOTS.

I don’t know where to start really after this weekend, it’s been a weekend full of confusion it and only today has my confusion involved Flatmate.

So, I guess I’ll start at the beginning, the beginning being Saturday.

Saturday morning I headed into a city about 45mins drive from the city I live with a friend we will call her intellect because gee she is miss intellect. So intellect and I went shopping in this little quaint city a little drive away, it was really nice we had a really good morning and we discussed getting a group to go to the pub on the evening. So, I sent a text round which included inviting both Jerk Boy and Climber Dude.

Climber Dude responded saying he’d meet us in the pub after work and Jerk Boy responded with… “how many people are going?” which made me feel like if it were just me and intellect he didn’t want to come which I thought was quite rude of Jerk Boy. I’d actually been thinking since last week he’s distanced himself from me but I also thought I may have been a little paranoid so chose not to worry about it at this point.

Anyway, both him and Climber Dude along with about 8 other people came to the pub. I noticed Jerk Boy didn’t sit anywhere near me and said very little to me all night. However, Climber Dude sat next to me and said a fair bit to me however what he said really began to piss me off.

Piss off # 1: Gretta do you eat chocolate everyday? It was said in such a sarcastic tone. It was unbelievable.

Piss off # 2: You're a good organiser you can organise an event for this charity I'm doing some work for? Now please don't think I am against supporting charities because I am not I actualyl do a fair bit of charity stuff but it was the way he asked or told me. He did it in front of eveyrone so if I said no it looked like I was not a supporter of charities and he also didn't really ask a question he just kind of told me. This didn't go down to well with me so I did say no in quite an assertive/aggressive manner.

Anyway, I came away from Saturday night thinking I really don’t like Climber Dude that much, he clearly has an issue with me eating chocolate, and he also volunteers my services as if they’re his to volunteer and they’re not. I also came away feeling like Jerk Boy was giving me the silent treatment and completely ignoring me which also made me feel like crap.

Then Sunday happens… So I get a text from Jerk Boy on Sunday morning “Hi Gretta, fancy lunch a few of us are going to a little country pub?”

Ahh maybe I was paranoid all weekend maybe he wasn’t ignoring me! So, I went to lunch. Climber Dude was there and oh yeah sat right next to me. Greeeeaaattt. I made sure I ordered chocolate cake for dessert just to prove a point. Which when the chocolate arrived on the table Jerk Boy then shouted up the table at me (and everyone else) in a very sarcastic tone “Gretta do you eat chocolate cake everyday?”. I didn’t even realised he’d heard what Climber Dude had said to me the day before but he was basically taking this piss out of him loud enough for him to hear and I just started laughing a lot. Then I heard Climber Dude under his breath call Jerk Boy a child. I couldn’t help but find that funny as well.

Anyway, I’ve come away from this whole weekend thinking Jerk Boy has been acting very strangely all weekend and to be honest I don’t want him near me at the moment until he starts talking to me properly.

Climber Dude has completely pissed me off.

And Climber Dude and Jerk Boy are purposely pissing each other off and in the process really getting on my tits.

As for Flatmate – I’ve heard zilch from him, and that’s probably because he’s the most sensible one out of the lot. I almost emailed him earlier just because the events of this weekend has really made me crave someone to just say something nice to me, as I've felt insulted by 2 guys.

MEN I DON’T NEED THEM.

Friday Smiday...

Last night with Rocky wasn’t too bad at all, she’s pretty heartbroken and acting a little strange but she hasn’t slept much in 3 nights so it’s kind of understandable for her to be acting strangely.

She’s still pretty unsure what she’s going to do. I don’t think she wants to take him back but then if he turned up at her door and got down on bended knee and asked him to marry her I am pretty sure she’d say yes. So, who really knows what’s gona happen there. She did text me to say thanks for hanging out with her so I think maybe I was her rock yesterday.

I’ve thought about Flatmate a little bit today, but not enough to make me write him an email. I just don’t want to hurt anymore, I don’t want to cause hurt to his relationship with Gifty and I don’t want him to hurt, so cutting him out of my life is the best option all round. I am pretty certain he was a bit cranky with me the other day when I told him that this was goodbye. I don’t like the thought of leaving him angry or cranky but he’d never really truly understand what goes on in my head, it’s a very analytical place! I’m just glad I got to say goodbye and at least tell him where he stood even if it hurts and I will miss him at least he knows it’s for good. I don’t think he’ll try to contact me ever again either, I think he knows that I’ve cut him out for a reason and if he chased me down I’d want him to end things with Gifty, and he’s not willing to do that.

I text Climber Dude last night, he was suppose to be going to buy a guitar in the afternoon yesterday (after our lunch meeting NOT date) and he said to me he was gona see if he could get his bank manager to extend his overdraft so he was able to buy the guitar. I told him that I think he should get the guitar shop to hold the guitar for him and then pay for it with his next pay packet therefore not causing his overdraft to be too big. So I text him to find out if he got the guitar or not and if he had his sensible hat on haha. He text me back saying the shop didn’t have the guitar he wanted so he assumes that meant his sensible hat was on and he’s going to go back next week to check if the one he wants is in!

I thought maybe he’d mention going for another lunch or something but he didn’t! See not a date at all just a meet up.

So I don’t think anything is going to progress with Climber Dude.

I’ve not really got any plans for the weekend – I am thinking it’s gona be a quiet one, although I haven’t seen Jerk Boy since the meeting on Tuesday night and he didn’t speak to me at that meeting so I am sure I’ll probably see him at some point this weekend.

Oh and Batman hasn’t seen Robin yet to pass on my email address but with Robin being over an hour and a half away I’ve kind of given up on that one!

Till next time…Gretta xx

Contemplation.

It took me by surprise. I had literally just left a message on Betty's blog, saying that I didn't have any men in my life at the moment and what was to happen? Climber Dude text me inviting me out to lunch. He works shifts and he had the day off. You see since all that dating weirdness I had with him over a year or so back I've always managed to make my excuses when he's asked me somewhere. They've always been as genuine as I can make so the text said this...

"Hey Gretta, I am sure you do! But do you have lunch plans?"

I figured that was him inviting me to lunch, now after the past I should have probably said no, but considering recent events, I thought what the hell, lunch with Climber Dude wont be so bad. So I responded.

"this is gona probably really shock you... But lunch sounds great. What time?"

Anyway, we went to lunch together at a little pub near I worked, we both pain so it wasn't a "date" or at least I didn't feel like it were a "date". However, it was actually really good, and I'd go as far to say as I quite enjoyed it. We just chit chatted there was no awkwardness, I didn't feel like he bored me and I don't 'think' I bored him, I didn't come away thinking I never want to spend alone time with you again. Now for Climber Dude that's a real improvement.

He's got a really great body, I can't say I am that attracted to him, but with him being into climbing he is very muscular which is nice. haha and obviously I noticed his muscular arms that were showing through his slightly tight fitted t-shirt.

It wasn't strange, it wasn't anything too much for me to handle, it in fact just felt very comfortable like a friend. He told me he is thinking about going away next year, he's in the medical profession and wants to use his ability to help people in need, so might do some kind of mission work. I found that quite endearing, the only guys I seem to end up talking to are selfish guys like Flatmate and Jerk Boy who are always looking out for number 1. Although I have received a text from Jerk Boy asking me 'if I am ok?' today which was a bit random and out of the blue, he does like to check in on me from time to time though so he's not THAT self centered.

Anyway, I am not thinking anything about Climber Dude really, just that it was a nice lunch and I am glad I went, if he asks me again, I might say yes again. Hmmm.

My Rock.

I've been at work for over an hour and how much work have I done? ZILCH.

So, good friend (that I spoke about in my plans who's guy has been cheating on her) I really need a name for good friend. I am going to call her Rocky, because she is my Rock. She's one of those friends who isn't scared to tell you how it is, when you're doing the wrong thing. She corrects me when I get too wild and tells me to calm down. She really is my Rock.

Anyhow, I've just got off the phone to her, we've chatted every day this week because she's so messed up about what's happened with her man. Tell you what, hwen you're rock becomes messed up it's really quite scary. I want to be her rock and help her out in the same way she keeps me grounded but I just feel inadequate.

She knows nothing about the Flatmate situation. I haven't told her because I know she'd tell me off big time over it all. So I figured not telling her was wiser however, tonight I have to go round her place, listen to her trying to figure out whther to take this guy back or not and by the way this guy is REALLY fighting for her big time, he's been to talk to her brother and her dad lives in a different country yet he's booked a flight to go and speak to her dad to prove how genuinely sorry he is. She wont talk to him at the moment apart from on the phone but he is fighting for her big time.

The thing is I think she deserves so much better but you do don't you? wehn you care about someone? and they've been a rock to you! However I need my opinion to not influence her decision because what if my opinion makes her miss the opportunity to have the love of her life.

He's always thought he'd marry her and she always thought she'd marry him so it's all a big mess and he'd even told this girl he slept with that he was going to marry Rocky.

The thing is I have to go and be the sympathetic ear in the knowledge that I've been that other girl, I've been that manipulating girl, the girl that enjoyed the power she had when she caused a guy that is already taken to cheat on his girlfriend. I've been that girl, I've been that same girl who is causing my Rock so much pain. And I am really beginning to hate myself right now.

And they lived happily ever after?

Flatmate was online today. Even though I had him blocked I could see he was online. So, I unblocked him and said "hi".

Flatmate: you've decided to unblock me then?

Gretta: yep

Flatmate: ok then.

Gretta: I text you twice asking you to come online and you didn't?

Flatmate: I'm sorry I should have come online when you asked.

Gretta: I am sorry, I thought that Saturday was really good, I asked you to come online and then you didn't.

Flatmate: You blocked me and be honest if you hadn't seen me online today I would still be blocked!

Gretta: Well, I asked you to come online I kept you unblocked for 2 days after that and you still didn't come online, when I'd specifically asked. I clearly needed you too so yeah I did block you I needed time.

Flatmate: I've said I'm sorry.

Gretta: ok.

Flatmate: So that aside how have you been?

Gretta: yeah good. You?

Then it got a bit flirty after that and at the end I said to him

Gretta: Flatmate?

Flatmate: yeah?

Gretta: You do realise this goodbye?

Flatmate: Really?

Gretta: I am not good for you and you know that.

Flatmate: I think you're over-reacting. So what you're just not gona talk to me ever again.

Gretta: it's goodbye, I guess the reason I unblocked you was so I could at least say it. I don't want you to be angry at me, I just want you to understand.

Flatmate: Well, you can't control my anger but I do understand.

Gretta: I did have fun and I think you should marry Gifty, you've been with her for over 2 years and you don't seem to have plans on ending things with her. She's clearly a good catch to stick by you when you've had problems. I want you to be happy.

Flatmate: yep I wish you the best for the future too. Well, then I guess that's it.

Gretta: yep it is. Please can you get rid of the gifts I bought you and the photos you have of me.

Flatmate: done.

Gretta: thanks I do appreciate that.

Flatmate: Bye

Gretta: Bye

Then I blocked him and not just blocked him but deleted his email address. I mean I still remember it off by heart but still. I have done the right thing haven't I. I've kind of wanted to email him more but I figure if I were to do that I'd just be playing with both his and my emotions. I have done the right thing. I have.

I hate my period

I hate it....

reason #1

I get silly long periods. They can last for pretty much 7 days

reason #2

My boobs have recently started getting bigger during that 7 days and earluer

reason #3

I get very emotional

reason #4

masterbating isn't possible during this time as I find it too gross

reason #5

I eat more. Not just a little bit more than usual either but I eat almost constantly (at least that's what it feels like)

reason #6

It's just ukky

reason #7

I can get fluctuated sleep - usually it's only 2 nights but when I do have fluctuated sleep it then makes me think.

When thinking as per reason #7 my mind resorts to flatmate, which then causes me to get upset and emotional as per reason #3, then being emotional causes me to want to materbate as per reason #4 and play with my unusually huge boobs as reason #2, after getting so emotion as per reason #3 I then get frustrated at the length of time that I am unable to do these things as per reason #1, my frustration then leads me to comfort eat and eat I will as per reason #5 but after eating so much I feel ukky as per reason #6 and my ukky feeling leads to fluctuated sleep as per reason #7 and this whole nasty "menstral" cycle then bloody goes round and round and round.

Did I mention.......

I HATE MY PERIOD.

Plans for the week

Yesterday was fun in a me and Jerk Boy kind of way. He came over for lunch, I did a lasagne with salad and garlic bread. It was actually really good – I was very impressed with my creation, for pudding a raspberry cheesecake from Marks and Spencers haha. Only the best for Gretta.

Jerk Boy loved it and commented on how as a wife I should cook and clean for him, I responded by saying if I were his wife and cooking every day for him there is no way I’d be doing all the cleaning but as I see him as a guest and not a husband, and as I have dishwasher it’s actually not a BIG deal me doing the cooking and cleaning.

We then just hung out watching the Sunday afternoon sport on TV. It was great just hanging with him, it was comfortable and it was just us being us. No snuggles, but I did get him to sit on my feet because they were cold. He’s such a good friend, he knows some stuff about the Flatmate incident and I know stuff about some stuff he’s going through with a girl he knows and we just kind of lean on each other and it’s just the right balance.

In other news – climber dude has shown his face again. He’s been off climbing mountains somewhere in Europe for, I don’t know however long, and last night me and Jerk boy met up with some friends for poker and he was there. Ahhh, surprisingly he wasn’t too full on but I did notice that where ever I sat down he appeared sat next to me no matter what I was doing. I actually didn’t mind though which shocked me considering a few months back I didn't want to give him any impression of liking him, yet hearing about his climbing trip took my mind off Flatmate a little. You see generally I am ok in the day, when I am busy doing stuff it’s when it gets into the evening and the night that I begin to really think about him. It’s been over a whole week since I last spoke to Flatmate properly. I think this is the longest time since we met that we’ve gone without contact. Even when I was on holiday he was texting me daily.

I feel ok, I just need to keep busy and busy I shall be as 1) tonight I am meeting up with a longtime girlfriend we’ve been friends since the age of 6 it’s kind of cute really.

2) Tomorrow night I have a late night work meeting and this time Jerk Boy is gona be there so it means it wont be as hard going as last weeks and I get Jerk Boy as a distraction.

3) Wednesday night I am gona get some exercise in. I probably wont go to the gym I’ll probably do a fitness DVD or put on some loud music and dance around like a mad thing for a few hours.

4) Thursday night – I am hoping to meet up with a girlfriend, she text me today telling me she’d walked in on her bloke with another woman. To be honest I’ve never really thought much of her bloke so I am relieved but at the same point she’s heart broken and I want to be there for her, she’s told me she just wants to be on her own but I don’t believe that for 2 seconds. I certainly know the last thing I would want to be is on my own.

5) Friday night – possibly going to a comedy club with some girlfriends – possibly meaning to be arranged by Gretta at some point this week!!

However, keeping this busy means I shouldn’t be thinking about Flatmate too much at all and he clearly has already forgotten about me, I’ve not heard a peep from him.

A VERY quiet weekend...

Last night I had the night in, watched TV, deleted Flatmate - I've also today plucked up the courage to block him on msn. It's hard to believe I may never speak to him again.

Today, I woke up, cleaned the bathroom, cleaned the kitchen and the living room and after that decided that was the cleaning complete. Decided to watch some sport as there is loads of sport this weekend, like the wimbledon final, the British GP and the Tour de France - Oh what to watch? After TV I headed to do some food shopping and in the car driving back realised that the guy behind the counter in the supermarket is the only person I've spoken to since yesterday. It's kind of weird. So I rang best friend and invited her round but she was busy with the man. I text Jerk Boy and we had a very brief text conversation, he's coming over for lunch tomorrow I am cooking a lasange. So I guess at least I wont be all on my lonesome tomorrow.

I spoke to Batman to see if he'd passed on my email yet to Robin and he said that he will probably be seeing him on Tuesday so I have a bit of a wait. I'm so impatient at the moment.

I've just been watching Live Earth on TV and thinking about how much fun Betty must be having. I so wish I was there. I can't believe how quiet this weekend has been, at least I have a new book to read.

Toodles.

Gretta

more tea vicar?

I'm hitting the bacardi tonight, altho I am not sure this is gona be a drunk post as I feel pretty sober.

Flatmate hasn't contacted me even though he did say he'd "try and get online more often" that boy is full of shit. So, I've deleted him from myspace. Actually I completely deleted my myspace account - mainly because he's told me in the past that when I'm not about or he hasn't spoken to me for a few days he likes to go and perve on my pics on myspace so now he can't do that. I've blocked him from facebook which is clearly also a good thing. I've again deleted his number because I confess I went and got my phone bill took his number off of it and text him so I've deleted his number for the second time and got rid of my phone bills with his number on. The only thing I haven't done is blocked him on msn. For one reason only he hasn't been on msn lately so at this moment in time I am assuming, he's blocked me. If he hasn't maybe we'll get the chance to have it out. However, if not then that's pretty much it.

Let me be honest I've been in tears about it tonight, while deleting him off of everything I just started to cry, I hate the fact it's come to this, I hate the fact he's made me cry. However, also came on my period today so I am gona blame that for some of my tears - it wasn't completely him I am an emotional wreck.

RIGHT MORE BACARDI ONE THINKS!!!

Bitterness, Twisteness, Long Awaited Freedom? (possibly?)

Sooooo, I’ve been thinking this morning about men and how men respond. Okay, so I’ve mainly been thinking about Flatmate and his actions - because I did a few things wrong during our fling.

When we first met, I was a very strong individual. He had a girlfriend I had no intention of getting involved. Really none whatsoever.

He kept being nice to me, really nice to me and all I did was decide to spend some time chatting with him, at the time I didn’t think this was wrong, but I guess there’s usually a big red danger flag when someone else’s boyfriend is pursuing a friendship with you. Yet I didn’t see that big red flag and convinced myself it was ok as we’re just friends and I have no intention of letting anything happen. So what if he’s never introduced me to his girlfriend or told his girlfriend about me, he is allowed to have female friends.

He continued to be extremely nice to me and then sent me a valentines day message which was really sweet of him, now I shouldn’t have found that sweet I should have found that dick like behaviour, in fact he’d told me that he was a bit of a dick at the beginning of our friendship. Yet I’d not seen that side of him so why should I think he was.

We remained friendly but by the end of February it was clear we had feelings for each other and things got heated and I let my guards down more with him than I had with anyone. If you read back through this blog you’ll find me beating myself up on several occasions because I knew how wrong it was.

Now when we met, him and Gifty were having problems, so I know I wasn’t the cause of their problems but I am pretty certain I didn’t help them. Which again was wrong of me.

Then I went on holiday and he spent the whole time texting me. When I was on holiday I met a guy, this guy completely hit on me I turned him down because I thought Flatmate would be upset – what the heck? He’s the one with a girlfriend and I am worried that if I am with someone else it will upset him. Have I completely lost all self respect? This is also wrong of me!

Our friendship was getting more intense daily until about a month ago where we had a huge deep and meaningful about the fact that he’d stopped telling me when he was with his girlfriend and had actually stopped telling me about their problems. To which I feared him and Gifty were getting on better. When I said to him I need him to be open with me about him and Gifty as it helps me keep my head where it should be, he told me he saw that as me checking up on him and he wasn’t happy to feel like he had to check in with me all the time. We said we’d back off and return to being “Just” friends.. Which we did.

Then why I thought the friendship was going fairly ok with no funny business there was the wanking incident, which was very out of the blue and completely confused me again. We were suppose to be friends? I don’t wank in front of people I view as just my friend.

Then last weekend I missed him I text him, he came over the next day and we spent Saturday morning together and it just felt like old times it felt really good and even though it was wrong of me, it just felt sooo good.

I know I’ve been in the wrong for what I’ve been doing, I know I have but I just ended up liking him, it certainly wasn’t suppose to happen, and although I should have and could have controlled it for some reason it was a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.

I have never been the other lady before, in fact when you read back about my ex you know I’ve been on the receiving end. There is no way I can justify my actions. However, Flatmate showered me with love and attention, in no way was he a bad guy to me. I wasn’t stupid I knew he had a girlfriend but I’ve never received such constant love and attention from a single guy, so I guess I wanted to believe that eventually Flatmate would finish with his girlfriend and be with me. I know I am possibly the most naïve person in this world but I wanted to believe it. So I did.

After Saturday, I kind of assumed that things between me and Flatmate would progress again. I know I am suppose to be getting over him but Saturday felt so good and I wanted to hang on for a little while longer. So, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and I ended up texting him saying “can you come online and chat to me, I just really miss chatting to you and it would be great if you can”

Then I got a text back saying “I can’t tonight”

I guess he may have been with Gifty

So, then yesterday I text him again “are you gona be online today?”

Then I get a text back “nope not today sorry, I will definitely try to get online more”

Shock horror, today and he’s not online. I think that yesterday is the reason I emailed Batman about this Robin Guy. I am pretty sure it was out of spite towards Flatmate.

However, do you know what I realise from all this….

Is that Flatmate wouldn’t rest, he wouldn’t leave me be, he broke me down, he got me to share my deepest thoughts, deepest feelings, even my deepest fears with him and once he got me in a place where I needed him, once he broke me down to my worst state, to a place where I actually had to REQUEST his time. I mean what the fuck sort of level is that??? He then just breezily isn’t available to me at all.

Do you know what I really need to let go of this guy.

I know I’ve done the wrong thing, I know I should never have let myself become weakened by him and let my guards down. I know all that, I always have known that. I just guess that now my belief has also be stripped cruelly away from me too and it really hurts like hell right now.

Why do guys do it, why do they make you believe you’re the one thing that matters to them, why did he ever tell me when he was with his girlfriend he wished she was me? Why did he tell me one day believed he’d marry me? Why say he saw me as wife material moreso than his girlfriend?. Why did he used to completely freak me out with that sort of commitment? why did he make me fall for him just to get up and walk away?

I guess there is one answer because he is that dick he told me he was. I was just to naïve, blind and stupid to see it. I believed what I wanted too, I heard what I wanted to, and I saw what I wanted to, and the things I didn’t want to see I brushed them to one side.

I’m the one to blame in all this, and I’m the one who’s hurting the most, however I also think I’ve had a great escape because at the end of the day. I’m not his girlfriend. Gifty has the privilege and WHAT A FUCKING PRIVILEGE that is… NOT.

_____

p.s Betty I do realise this post is similar to yours - I just guess we're going through very similar situations right now hun xx

A new persuit!!!

Read about Batman here

Myself and Batman have remained friends, but he has just been too cocky for me, even tho in the past I have been attracted to him, his cockyness is something else. I've been out with a vain bloke before and it was more hassle than it's worth so his cockyness completely turned me off. However, we have actually remained friends and get on really well. He was sending me some pics of him on his friends stag night and I was making comments on which of his friends I thought was hot. Anyway, there was this 1 guy, we will call him Robin (because he's batman's friend).

So, Robin was good looking but not overly good looking, he was wearing clothes that just seemed to emphasize every good line in his body and straight away I couldn't help but tell Batman I thought he was hot.

Batman then comes online and tells me he's told him what I said and he's single at the moment and he might get him to enroll with Facebook to add me. I was cool with that. Yet then I got to thinking, and maybe rightly or wrongly but I've ended up emailing this to Batman.

Hey Batman

I've been doing some thinking (I know!!! probably not the wisest of moves).

I figure I don't have much to lose, this Robin is single, good looking and you say he's a nice guy.

So, he may live an hour and a half away but it's not like I have any options in this city at the moment so....What the heck right? There's no harm in seeing if he's an ok guy, if anything I'll end up with an extra friend and how's that a bad thing?

So, I am going to be brave, and ask you to pass on my email address to him *inserts email* you can even say to him I told you to pass it on to him.

If he wants to email me some questions or whatever then, if he has my email the balls in his court, and if he wants to he can. Is that too forward? Maybe? but what do I have to lose.

If he doesn't contact me I've lost nothing, if he does, I've gained a friend right?

Do I sound insane? Maybe? Should I stop thinking in future? Maybe?

Cheerz bud

Gretta xx

The biggest issue is clearly the distance, but I figure there is no harm in trying and it's probably exactly the sort of focus I need.

Moan moan moan

My boss let me leave work early yesterday because I had to be back for one of our stupid, long, pointless, boring work meetings. They’re seriously uber dull to the extreme.

Jerk Boy managed to get out of it – I can’t believe it. Usually we spend the whole time taking the piss out everybody at these meetings but his department manager said he had to finish the project he was working on so he somehow managed to be excused.

Which meant I had to endure this meeting with all the stuck up suits on my own without any light entertainment. I seriously wanted to kill Jerk Boy yesterday for doing that to me.

After the work meeting, I usually get home and pour myself a huge glass of wine, however shockingly I was out of wine, so I ended up just curling up in bed.

I felt very alone last night, it was one of those nights when I just needed someone to quietly creep into bed with me, wrap their arms around me and hold me closer than close and tell me that everything is going to be alright. No-one did, so I closed my eyes and decided to dream.

Slightly confused but also breezy.

I caught up with Flatmate Saturday morning, ok so I drank a bit Friday night and text him saying I missed him and then he showed up on Saturday morning. Told me he missed me too. We just chatted about stuff, he kept telling me how great I looked even tho I was in PJs and I stayed in them until he left. It was good to see him, we just had fun in each others company and I needed it.

Teddy hasn't replied to the email so now I pretty much assume he's not visiting. It kind of sucks I would have loved him to visit.

Jerk Boy has been acting slightly strange this weekend! I don't think he likes me, but.....

He was acting very strange, mainly last night so maybe he was just in a funny mood. He started talking to me in a very odd way, not particulaly strangely but like this

"Gretta, don't grow your hair too long I really like it short"

"Gretta, that top you wore the other evening was a bit revealing really wasn't it?"

Then.....

I was at a friends house in the kitchen chatting to a friend and he just came and stood by me, but very close to me so his shoulder was touching my shoulder - it was odd for him to be that close, it's been a very long time since he's been that close.

Then all night he kept making silly jokes and then he'd look at me expecting me to laugh at his jokes.

I don't think he's interested in me but he's been acting very strangely even for Jerk Boy. I'm crap at reading things.