Nearly on his wavelength?!

Jerkboy: I really like that dress you're wearing - do you know why?

Gretta: *looks down at the dress she's wearing* because it's slightly see-through and I have to wear shorts under it?

Jerkboy: *looks Gretta up and down* no it wasn't that. Although now you're stood in the light I see what you mean. I like it because it makes your boobs look even bigger than usual.

Gretta: Actually, that's probably the bra I'm wearing...

Jerkboy: Well, I now also like the bra you're wearing.

Gretta: Thanks!

The 'nice' rejection!

It was the nicest rejection email I'd ever received. Actually it's probaby the only 'rejection email' I've ever received but still he's a nice guy, maybe too nice for me and the email went like this.

Gretta it was nice to meet you and I did like you but there awkward moments and that might have been because of it being a first meeting. It's just I didn't think we had a lot in common. If it' ok with you I don't particularly want to meet again.

How nice was that email? Ridiculously nice. So I replied

"I completely understand you seem like a nice guy but there was awkwardness. Thanks for the message. All the best. Gretta".

And just like that it was done and dusted and I'm not one bit upset. Before I met him I thought he was "nice", when I was with him I thought he was "nice", now he's sent me a rejection email and I still think he's "nice". And in true Gretta style I'm just not sure "nice" is what I want or what I need right now and that's ok with me!

First Date!

So there I stood waiting. I knew he was on his way he'd text me to say he was just parking. I could feel my heart beating in my chest, I was nervous but I didn't want it to show. I told myself "calm down Gretta it's just a date it's not like you haven't been on a date before". Trouble is I hadn't been on a date for well over a year (not really) and I was cacking my pants. The run up to the date had already been a bit of a faff too.

Text to Jerkboy: I don't know what to wear?

Text back from Jerkboy: short skirt and low cut top

Text back: That's not helpful. It's just lunch so I'm wearing jeans, a vest top and a cardi - very casual.

Text back: just don't go too casual you want to appear like you've made some sort of effort.

(I ended up choosing a different top slightly dressier but still with the jeans). I'd rang Jerkboy the day before to explain about the date and for internet safety reasons. The conversation went a bit like this "I'm going to give you this information and then if he tries to kill me I'll tell him I've told someone all about it and if he succeeds in killing me you'll most likely locate my body in the river"

So I stood waiting and then I spotted him walking towards me. I was partly shocked that I realised it was him so soon because I'd only seen pictures and the pics weren't that great. Then there was that awkward moment. How do I greet this person I'm going to spend the next few hours with? I opted for a friendly hug and then we set out to the waterfront.

We found a bar and chatted quite happily and I soon realised that my heart had stopped thumping in my chest and I had the opportunity to take him in.

He was short but handsome, in fact more handsome than his pics. I'm guessing he's not very photogenic. He was wearing glasses and had lovely blue eyes, there was a slight tinge of ginger in his eyebrows although his hair colouring was definitely brown. He was thinning on top but he carried it well. He was wearing a bright blue superdry t-shirt, some nicely fitting jeans and some k-swish trainers. He had dressed well, he looked good and I was impressed.

I insisted on paying my half of the lunch bill and he didn't try to pay or take over and I liked that I didn't want to seem like I wasn't willing to pay although I did allow him to buy my drinks. I kind of thought that was the fair middle ground although I'm not really sure how things work these days. Anybody would think I hadn't had a date for 10 years.

We strolled along the waterfront and there were a few awkward silences but we both took turns trying to fill them. It felt like he was making effort and even though it didn't always flow perfectly the silences were kind of expected in a first meeting so I just rolled with them.

Then came the awkward goodbye and it was awkward. He asked "what do you want to do now, would you like to go somewhere else or do you want to split?" I didn't know how to respond to that, had he not been having a good time? did he want to get away from me? Did I want to spend more time with him? or was I ready to leave? It was the sort of question I didn't want to answer. I didn't mind either option and I knew he had to get back for dinner with friends later. So I said "I don't mind either way but you've got to get back to meet your friends at some point" He said "ok we'll split" almost a bit too quickly like that was my decision even though it wasn't quite what I'd said. It felt awkward and it was awkward. "I'll email you tomorrow" he said and I said "yeah that would be good" And to make it even more awkward.... I opted for a friendly hug goodbye. I have no idea why. It just felt that it was the right thing to do - I've always hated goodbyes I really need to learn how to do them better.

I got home and I text Jerkboy

Text: I'm alive.

Reply: But is he?

Text: haha

Reply: No seriously. How did it go...

And then I called Jerkboy...

Gretta on phone: He was nice, I had a nice time, there were awkward moments but I'd expected that and yeah he was nice.

Jerkboy: you gona see him again?

Gretta on phone: well yeah he was nice so if he asks yeah I will. I can't really tell from the first meet up when we were both nervous and yeah he was nice. It's just I guess I'm not sure if I want "nice".

Jerkboy: haha and there is the Gretta I know. Well I guess you just have to wait and see.

And that was that.

I hate dating, I feel too old for it, I hate the run up to it and I definitely hate deciding what to wear on a day like today too when it's not quite hot enough to wear a summer dress but not quite cold enough to wear my funky long sleeved top. I hate the pre-wait nerves and wondering if you'll click, I hate having to fill awkward silences, and I hate awkward goodbyes. But if I want to not have to date then I kind of have to go on a few dates or stay single forever and I think the thought of staying single forever is maybe just a tad worse than the than that thought of having to endure another few first dates..

So, now I wait to see if I get a second date. I just wish I was a bit more bothered but at least I don't feel pressure.

Messed up good and proper

I can't remember the last time I cried like this.... Like a baby!!!

I have been studying for the past year and I've worked really hard. I've had to write an essay every week and thankfully I've passed all my essays with only tiny bits of extra work to do. There are 3 units: practice unit, essay unit and exam unit - you have to pass all 3 to get the qualification.

The last few weeks I have revised as much as I can for an exam that I had today.

Nothing I revised was in the exam, I almost want to murder my tutor who told me what to revise and what was most likely to be in the exam. My mind also went completely blank and nerves totally got the better of me. I am totally convinced I have failed at the last hurdle after being up there with the top students in the class. I'm not sure how I got it so flipping wrong.

I don't even know how I retake - supposedly I can retake but I have to retake next year with next year's class - in theory - apart from they've cut the classes due to funding and next year's class isn't running.

So, I think I've just wasted a year of my life, over £1000 with nothing to show at the end of it. Weldone Gretta - you get a royal a* for that mess up!