Just for the record....

I went to the "The Women" tonight at the cinema. It was a chick flick, a just watchable movie. Yet there was a very vital part of the movie missing. The presence of a hot guy.

So, just for the record, I never want to watch a movie that has no man in it ever again...

End of.

Gretta xx

I know what you'll think when you read this.

Today I think I did a boo boo.

I contacted Flatmate - I sent him a message on facebook, telling him I wasn't contacting him to cause trouble. I just wanted to congratulate him on his engagement.

And that is all I wanted to do.

He then came on msn. First time in yonks and we chatted. We didn't flirt, we didn't push things, we just chatted and you know what it felt good. Whatever you think of him. He understands me. He always did.

BUt I know.. It's wrong. I'm not going to go there again, I just needed someone to understand.

Pain can be weird.

Breaking up hasn't been half as painful as I thought

Seeing him at the pub tonight with our group of friends wasn't as painful as I thought.

Having his brother (who doesn't know me) delete me off of his facebook profile (when he added me).... Hurt Like Hell.

It's like he's judged me when he doesn't even know me!

Looking forward to the brighter days.

You know it's funny that CS (the Aussie love of my life that disrespects the english no end that only makes him more endearing to me) mentioned that "after a break up kitkats and twixs are not your friend".

Although I did set my hand to baking up a batch of muffins it turns out that the stress of this week has caused me to lose half a stone. I am under 10stone for the first time since 2005. I'm not particularly happy about it, because I didn't lose weight by healthy eating, or by exercise. I lost it because I haven't wanted to sit down and eat a meal on my own when I knew my relationship was crumbling beneath me, today the thought of food just makes my stomach turn, although that could be something to do with the amount of rum consumed last night. So today I have eaten one muffin and one piece of toast, and really I just don't want anything else. Someone sort me out!

However, for now I'm going to get myself together, try not to worry about the fact that I've lost half a stone in a week through bad stress eating habits adn I am going to look forward.

You see I'm looking forward to the brighter days when my hurts fade away. You know I'm going to smile, I'm going to be friendly (even to CD) and I'm going to lift my head high and remind myself that I am loveable, someone out there loves me. I just haven't found him yet but when I do. I am going to treasure him..

Putting Permissions back

Jerkboy last night found out that I'd been secret blogging, as he noticed on my drop down menu a blog page called "my secret life" so what I've decided to do is put permissions back up until he has forgotten about this page.

How JerkBoy got his name....

If you go back and read here and here

So, in 2005 I asked JerkBoy out. He turned me down, he said he saw me as his sister and we would NEVER be more than just friends. To be honest that was the best way he could have dealt with the situation, as it gave me nothing to hang on too (although I did hang on for a long time) and it made me move on.

Once I moved on from JerkBoy in a romantic way our friendship just flourished like no other, we really are on the same wave length. Since being with CD I've tried to break free from that frinedship as i felt it unhealthy to have. Yet right now, tonight, the only person I want to spend the evening with is JerkBoy and thankfullly for some really odd reason he wants to spend the evening with me.

I view JerkBoy as a good friend - I don't see him in any other way.

The End

Not of this blog.

Just of me and CD. You'll be relieved to know

We broke up last night. OVER MSN!!!! hahaha..

Remember I said about the whole CD saying "I'm needy" as a response to being lonely and JerkBoy saying he'd come round and keep me company. Which was the actual response I wanted from CD. Well, it just got me thinking big time. My inner robot started to malfunction.

I spoke to a guy at work about it all yesterday morning as I was having serious doubts and I wanted to see it from a guys point of view, just in case I was overreacting, and this guy said that CD was probably just ill, and that I shouldn’t pin everything on this week as it’s been a strange week after me being away on holiday without him and him being ill.

CD then turned up at work in the afternoon and said I could go round for dinner that evening, so I thought oh maybe workguy was right.

Anyway, i went round for dinner and he was acting bizarrely, I had to be at a meeting at 8pm for work, so when I was leaving I decided to test him which was naughty of me but now his cold has gone I thought I’d try to snog him (he hadn’t wanted to snog me before but I thought it was because he didn’t watn to give me his cold). So I tried to kiss him and he wouldn’t so I asked him why

And he said I didn’t want to discuss this now as he knew we were seeing each other tonight, and I said “NO. Why wont you kiss me?” and he said that he wanted to cool things off (things haven't been hot for the last month - you just need to read this blog to realise that). And that he’s felt our relationship has changed. I just said I’d felt it too as I’d spoken to work guy about it earlier in the day but I had to go to my meeting so I left it like that...

Then I got home and he’d text me asking me how the meeting was and I said well it’s not like I could concentrate and he said yeah sorry about that, and I just said don’t be sorry I was testing you when I tried to kiss you, coz you’d been acting odd all evening.

So nayway I logged on msn and he was online and we chatted it all through and came to the conclusion that it just isn’t working, that our relationship had been based on function and not passion, that I wasn’t happy in the relationship and he felt he couldn’t love me in the way I deserve to be loved and although we get on really well, we enjoy each others company, we have strong feelings for each other for some reason those things just haven’t been enough.

Last night I felt relieved and this morning I feel ok. I haven’t cried, I feel calm, I’m not angry, I just feel it wasn’t right.

I want to enjoy being single again, I’m quite looking forward to what the future may hold, I feel I have a blank canvas in front of me. I guess last week was a really confusing week for me and now I feel ok. I’m expecting there to be times when I get upset but at this moment, I’m shockingly ok.

So there you have it....

Oh and then I told Best Friend about it all (best friend who has been distant of late) and I told her the difference in response between Jerk Boy and CD when I mentioned being lonely and this is what Best Friend said....

"It's odd what you say about Jerboy, coz I was thinking about that the other day.

This may not be the most helpful thing to say but on the other hand it might help.

I had noticed that when your with JerkBoy, you're so happy, laughing and joking. You guys almost go off into your own world and maybe I shouldn't have compared it to CD but when I saw you & CD together you were never like that. It seemed so serious. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying you should be with JerkBoy but JerkBoy seemed to be there more for you as a friend than CD did as a boyfriend."

and you know what she's completely right. JerkBoy without fail, has always been there for me.

And he's proving that true, because tonight he's coming round with a comedy DVD, I'm going to bake some muffins and we're going to hit the barcardi together. We may even have a slumber party. Bring it on.

A surprise....

I'm sat at my desk at work and the doorbell goes....

It's CD...

I finish work at 5pm tonight but I have a meeting at 8pm.

He's said he's cooking us dinner tonight and I'm to go round his after work.

I'm a little surprised, after the last few days, things have been odd.. I guess maybe, he's feeling better.

Doesn't get it!

I tell Climber Dude that I've been feeling lonely since getting back from my holiday and he says "ahh that's why you've been so needy lately"

I tell JerkBoy I've been feeling lonely since getting back from my holiday and he says "do you want me to come over and keep you company?"

For some odd reason, I feel that JerkBoy's response should have been my CD's response.

Anyway, CD came and met me for lunch today, we didn't discuss my loneliness as I didn't think there was anything more to say after telling him about it yesterday. Things seemed fine between us. So, I don't get it!

The time issue!

I don’t really know what’s going on with me and CD at the moment.

Things have seemed different since I got back off my holiday. Ok so he’s had the flu, but it feels like he doesn’t want to see me. Which is making me have all these insecure thoughts. I feel lonely, and I’m not quite sure I should feel lonely when in a relationship.

He’s got a couple of night shifts this week and I have a late night work meeting which always makes our time stretched. I asked him if he could pop round for an hour before his night shift tonight and he text back saying “How about lunch tomorrow?” but if he’s been ill, he’s more than likely going to need to sleep of his night shift so I told him to forget it. I’m just feeling like I’m pushing him for his time, and in the process pushing us apart but if we don’t spend time together we’re going to fall apart anyway.

He’s invited me to meet his brother on Saturday for the first time, he lives about an hour and half away. I’ve been really excited about meeting him, he’s added me on facebook and him and his girlfriend seem like a nice couple. I don’t really want to meet him in the midst of me and CD having problems.

I’m not sure whether I’m over reacting or not, all I’m feeling is that I’m going round in the same circle, he doesn’t have the time I need, and when I push it he resents me for it because it makes him feel like he’s letting me down and I’m constantly disappointed. He once said to me “you don’t have to ask me for my time” but recently, I’ve felt the need to ask because he isn’t giving it willingly. It’s not his fault he works shifts, but I just guess I am really finding things a bit tough.
Anyway, he hasn’t replied to my text saying don’t bother about lunch today, who knows if he will, I wonder if he is even bothered enough to fight for me, or whether he’s just angry at the way I make him feel.

You know sometimes he can be wonderful, loving, passionate, caring, supportive and other times he comes across as distant and nonchalant. If it wasn't that he is so wonderful at other times then I probably would have ended things a long time ago. Why oh why does he switch so much.

You know CD has man flue when...

... He is grumpy
... He smells like a locket
... You haven't had a snog in days
... He turns down a roast dinner to go home and sleep to recover

... Gretta wants more than anything for him to get better so they can go places and do fun things.

Doting Girlfriend

Being the doting girlfriend I thought it would be real nice of me to pick up CD from the airport.

Problem #1 - Cd's flight arrives at 2.30am..
Problem #2 - He drove to the airport and paid to park there.

So, the doting girlfriend can't be bothered to pick him up because there would be no point.

Second thought being the doting girlfriend I could camp outside of his front door, and he would come home at 4.00am and pick me up, take me to bed and make passionate love to me...

Problem #1 - He'll be tired, he would have just driven an hour and a half back from the airport, after a 6 hour flight, after being away doing crazy active things. He'll definitely be tired.

Problem #2 - I have to be somewhere at 10am tomorrow morning and if I sleep CD's after being awake at 4am outside his door, somehow I wont make where I need to be and although for me that wouldn't be an issue, for my boss it might be.

So, after much thought the Doting Girlfriend, came up with a much better plan. I just texted CD this

"let me know when you want to see me after you've got the sleep you need when you get back"

I figure he'll text me at about 12.15pm tomorrow, by that time I should have been where I need to be for work reasons, and he should have slept enough to be happy to see me. But there's still a problem

Problem #5 - It suddenly doesn't quite sound so doting.

Strange seriously strange!

Yey Climber Dude rang last night and we had a nice long natter on the phone. I miss that boy. Anyway my folks are away at the moment too, it's been quite nice having the house to myself in some ways.

I have a work meeting tonight.. Blah, it's gona be tedious I know it.

In other news today I was pottering up the road to the bank minding my own business as you do. And I saw.... A man with hot pants on and a thick winter beanie!!!! It wasn't for charity either, it was just his complete insanity I swear it. Strange, seriously strange.

Only 3 days to go before CD returns.

I'm off on holiday soon too, in fact this time next week I'll be sunning myself somewhere hot. Oh yes I will. I can hardly wait.

Being a Sook

So CD left Sunday.

And I,,, I am pining! He's text me a few times which is all good, he's promised me he'll call me which I know he will. Today I sent him a long email and the truth is I am missing him like you wouldn't believe.

Even though I've managed to keep myself busy, it doesn't cut it, my busyness is no fun without being able to share it with Climber Dude at the end of the day. My bed feels empty without him in it.

It feels so pathetic yet it also feels right. I guess I'd be more concerned if I weren't missing him. I just want him to come home now.

Roll on Sunday!