Work Email....

Jerk Boy emailed me some items for the agenda for tomorrow night, yes another night meeting - gosh I hate night meetings, this one is expected to run from 7pm - 10pm. That's a killer. Jerk Boy has managed to get out of it though, I don't get how he does it, how he can put items on the agenda and then not come.

Anyway his email was Gretta add this to the agenda for me blah blah and then he said this

"I spoke to Climber Dude btw. I think it's best to just not meet/talk with him if it's too hard for you. He said he felt 'very happy' about his decision to keep it as friends and the whole situation in general, so obviously it's not an problem for him when he meets up with you. He did say he liked you though, but that it's just not the right time which you may as well take as a no.

If you really do like him, you're going to have to wait and even then it's never going to be definite. Move on and if it does change, then that's good, but if it doesn't then at least you've let go."

I think Jerk Boy has given some great advice, it's easier said that done, and good for him for chatting to him and finding out for me! He doesn't like me being messed about.

Turn me on.

I was tired, the trauma of the day had really began to take it’s toll. It was late and you could see that I was struggling to keep my eyes open. You picked me up and carried me to your bed. It was a queen sized bed, I only remember that because when you told me I nicknamed the bed Queeny.

You slowly lay me down on the bed pealing off one layer of clothing at a time, I felt your hands moving slowly across every curve and every inch of my body.

I naturally found my hands removing your t-shirt and feeling their way down your stomach and into the back of your boxers. Your arms were perfect, the sort of arms I long to be held by. Wrapping my legs around your waist I used them to pull you closer to me, even through your clothes I could feel how hard you were and I slowly began to unbutton your jeans as I felt your soft, wet lips caressing my neck.

Your mouth slowly made it’s way down my neck, you began kissing my shoulders until your lips found my breasts, you gently sucked on my nipples and I could feel myself wanting more of you, the scent of your skin on my skin, the feel of your touch on my body, I wanted you to taste me, I wanted to taste you.

As we fumbled around removing the last items of clothing, I found our bodies tangled in one another, passionately kissing, letting our tongues tease each other, you first gently slid your fingers into my crease and as if curious moved them around letting them feel and explore every part of me.

It felt so good, and the look on your face was even better, you were so turned on by how wet you had made me. You slowly began to kiss my body and I rested my head back with my eyes shut, enjoying every minute, every second of it. Your lips seemed to find very easily where they wanted to go and you circled your tongue around every single place that could cause me the most amazing and unstoppable arousal, making sure I was just as turned on as you. There was no turning back now, the switch had been flicked to on and there was no going back.

I could feel your breathe, I could hear you breathing, my cheeks hot and rosey and I myself was finding my own breathing hard to control. You whispered to me, that you were nearly at exploding point, to which you slid your large, hard penis into my extremely wet gina, and slowly and gently we began to move with each other, letting our hot clammy skin rub against one another, letting our bodies be as close as physically possible, letting any other inhibition, thought or feeling be swept away in this feeling that I can only describe as complete and utter bliss.

And then it came to blows....

Had a massive row over msn with Climber Dude last night

So I asked him what he was up to Friday night to see if he wanted to do something, he's been hanging out with me so much lately didn't think it would be a problem. In fact if anything I thought he'd say yes (I didn't expect any other answer).

Anyway, he said what do you want to do? and I said we could do cinema, for a drink, go out for food etc - I wasn't even viewing it as a date just hanging out as we had been but I did think it would be just me and him. He said maybe I'll invite people round for a meal (when he said that I did feel rejected), and I just said ok well I am going to assume that you think alone time with me is unhealthy because clearly I was asking to hang out with you. And he said well I think it's sensible for us not to hang out alone.

So then I said to him ok so I'm guessing you're not going to be popping in for a cup of tea anymore then?

and he said I didn't say that, cup of teas are great.

and I was like Climber Dude our cups of teas turn into a cup of tea and a walk and then a movie and then before we know it we've spent the whole day ALONE together.

He said, Well, we're friends, it's ok for friends to have a cup of tea and watch a film together isn't it Gretta???

I took ages to reply and when I did I just said

yeah fine we're friends and you can pop over for a tea any time

he said, that's not what you were going to say???

and then I said ok Climber Dude you come over, you spend time with me, you stay practically all day, but now when I suggest doing something that involves going out you say it's sensible not too. I get it, if we stay in it's fine but if we go out then you view it as a date and that's not ok.

He was like see I knew you had something else to say and what you've said is just weird.

I told him I was tired and that I'd worked late and was probably having a funny and said good night. However, he's really pissed me off. It's like our friendship has to be all on his terms and I can't be doing that.

I text Jerk Boy after having the msn convo with Climber Dude and what I explained it all to Jerk Boy I started to cry down the phone, poor Jerk Boy didn't know what to do but he was soo good he just let me talk and he just listened. Then today he text me to ask if I was feeling better. He's a cutie at times - I'm beginning to question his sexuality though, he should have been giving me advice isn't taht what guys do, they try to fix things.

blah yaddy blah

As soon as he got back into my city from his weekend away he came over, he only stayed for an hour as he hadn't actually been home since his night shift on Thursday, but these sort of things don't half make me think he wants to be more than just friends.

I feel a bit wired tonight, just got in from a work meeting that was rather tedious. I feel that everyone is snowed under at work and our boss keeps requiring more of us and no one has any strength left to give anymore.

I hate evening work meetings. Just so you all know.

Unintentional!

Went to the pub last night for a karaoke night.

It was ok me and the girls got up and did a rather bad rendition of I will survive.

Some of the boys (including Climberdudes) did an even worse rendition of build me up buttercup.

Climber Dude cannot sing a note in tune, it was hilarious, I actually think he thought he was good. lol.

Afterwards Climber Dude came back to mine and we watched Bad Boys, nothing to report, it was just 2 friends watching a movie. He's off for the weekend going away for his dad's 60th or something. I was listening to him talk to his mum on the phone when he was at mine, and he really really values his family a lot, he came across as so caring, it took me a bit by surprise, I've known he's been caring towards me, he's in the medical profession so you assume he's just a bit caring by nature but I think eavesdropping on his conversation with his mum just confirmed to me how caring he is.

I can't figure him out, if he is playing games and messing me about I don't think he'd do it intentionally, it just doesn't seem to be in his character in every other aspect of his life.

my men

Things have been a little strange lately to say the least.

After spending a great 6 hours on Saturday with Climber Dude I've not heard much from him since. I invited him over to watch 300 with me as we rented it on Saturday but it was so scratched that it jumped all over the place and wouldn't play on my DVD player.

Anyway, in the week I went and got a replacement and I invited Climber Dude over to watch it with me but a. he was busy, b. he was tired as work was hectic, c. he was tired still after his skiing trip.

I felt rejected. Blown out.

I spoke to Jerk Boy about it and he already knew that I'd spent time with Climber Dude on Saturday because Climber Dude had told him. I asked if Climber Dude had said anything more and Jerk Boy said "look Gretta we're not girls we don't chat like girls" anyway, I've asked Jerk Boy to do some investigating for me to see if he can figure Climber Dude out.

Last night Climber Dude was on msn, he asked me if I'd watched 300 yet, I told him I had and it was good, then he just went really quiet, I couldn't help but wonder if he was hinting for another invite, but I'd invited him and he'd turned me down, I'm not gona invite him again.

In other news, Flatmate has been back on the scene. I know he's like a bloody boomerang, I throw him away and he just comes straight back, he's a persistent little shit for someone who has a girlfriend. He has given me so much attention though and I have enjoyed every second of it. This is going to sound shallow but I don't even view Flatmate as boyfriend material now, he's kind of like my attention giver when I'm not getting any. I'm totally using him and I know it's wrong but blooming heck I'm enjoying it.

I can't believe Heath Ledger is dead either, a good friend of mine who I call Sparkily is studying and away at uni loves him so last night I rang her and filled her in when the news just broke out and she was stunned that I called her, I never call her Sparkily and when I told her the news she was like "Gretta now I am gona freak out everytime I hear from you, I'm gona be thinking it's bad news".

Anyway, my thoughts go the Ledgers and friends of Heath, I find it shocking so I can't imagine how they find it.

round and round and round and round and upside down.

I've been doing what doctor says and resting up. Although it's gotta be said I am pretty pants at this resting up business....

Anyway, Climber Dude is back...

I text him today to say he better be taking photos dancing in the snow and he text me back telling me he got in late last night and wondered if he could pop round to see how I was doing.

I really missed him and there was no way I could say no, so I told him to come over. He brought with him a box of chocolates for me and we listened to some music and chatted for a bit and then I told him I had no food in the house for lunch so we went to the supermarket and bought stuff for sandwiches and we went back to mine and had lunch together (via the dvd hire shop) and then we spent the afternoon chatting, looking at his holiday snaps and we watched Evan Almighty on DVD. He had to go and see some friends tonight and I'm still recovering but it was so great just to hang out with him, I had such a good time, I really feel we may end up together, I can't imagine not being with him.

Issue I have now is he has a really busy week, then next weekend he is going away to celebrate his dad's birthday. He has a night shift Thursday and hinted at me taking hte day off to "rest" but I want to go back to work I'm done with resting and at the same time I want to spend some time with Climber Dude. I think I'm going to invite him out for lunch on Thursday.

I fear I'm doing my usual trick of not letting go and going round in circles, I know it's unhealthy best friend has already given me the "lecture" she always gives. However, I dunno I just like him, I miss him when he's not around and I love his company, I had so much to tell him today it was unbelievable.

Ahh well - we'll see he probably thinks I'm crazy!

Inspired by KB.

1. Arrive at hospital at 7.30am
2. Don't get called for op untill 11.30am - that meant a 4hour wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
3. While waiting annoying old man with memory problems asked me the same question 3 times
4. After I had the op there was no room on the ward so I was put in a room just off the ward by myself and the nurses forgot I was there
5. Then my mum phoned to ask if I was ready to be picked up, and the nurse told her I wouldn't be ready for another 2 hours, but I WAS FINE, AND READY and I've had worse done in the past and they let me go home earlier - I was pissed coz I could hear the whole conversation.
6. While waiting I realised how much I missed Climber Dude, the last few times I've been in hospital he's either visited, called, or text to find out how I am. I was really struggling with not seeing him.
7. While waiting for a nurse to realise that I exist I had a text conversation with Jerk Boy about whether or not I should text Climber Dude to let him know I'm ok.
8. Jerk Boy wasn't helpful so I decided to text Climber Dude
9. My mum finally picked me up, and we had a row in the car on the way home about how long I should stay off work. I plan on going back on Monday my mum isn't happy about that, she's gona have to get over it though.
10. Have to now stay at my folks for the night as I need supervision - blah.
11. However, my mum did buy me a nice huge bar of chocolate
12. Jerk Boy and Intellect visited me and made me smile, Intellect bought me flowers and Jerk Boy ate the chocolate my mum bought me.
13. Climber Dude replied to my text, he was quite sweet actually and it made me feel a heap better, I'm glad I text him. He's still skiing and it sounds like he's having fun.
14. I'm bored and will subsequently be bored all weekend.
15. Oh and have I mentioned.... I HATE HOSPITALS.

I can't live, with or without you.

I'm having a bad Climber Dude day today.

Half of me realises that it can't work, we're completely incompatible, He never showed me any affection and I need affection.

The other half of me misses him like crazy, misses his company, wonders what he's up to at random points of the day, goes on msn in hope he might have internet access where he is.

The halfs don't seem to fit together easy, just like this whole situation.

I'm anxious coz I have to go into hospital tomorrow too! Although, I should be home by 2pm at the latest, the last time I was in hospital Climber Dude visited me, and he really took good care of me and I'm already realising that I've got to face it alone. Jerk Boy told me to text him when I get out of hospital and he'll visit me, which is cute but it's just not the same, he's not Climber Dude.

You know that U2 song, with or without you, that's how I feel about Climber Dude. With him I see how incompatible we truly are, without him I miss him like crazy, I mean what do I do.

back in the saddle and riding hard

Last week I couldn't wait for this week to come, I was itching for Climber Dude to get out of my face and go on his skiing trip. Now I have thoughts running through my mind like "what if he meets some hot skiing girl?" "What if he hasn't thought about me at all?" "what if he comes back and it's still awkward?" "What if he never comes back?" "what if, what if, what if???"

Crikey..... I've turned into one of those insecure needy girls that I didn't think I was.

Anyhow, went out with Jerk Boy for lunch yesterday, I ended up paying but I realised that it was the first time me and Jerk Boy had been alone together since November, when I told him to back off coz I thought me and Climber Dude were going somewhere. It was odd, the fact is if me and Climber Dude were still going somewhere I don't think I would have even been at lunch with Jerk Boy yesterday.

Climber Dude was a fool to let me slip through his fingers, coz even though you guys don't believe this - I AM SO ABLE TO DO FAITHFUL. If we were an item all the other guys would be dropping down dead outside my door, coz when I'm in a relationship the door closes tight on any other possibility. It just does.

However, now he's let me slip through his finger, my door is wide open to ALL possibilities, so boys, men, gentlemen, Jerks, Xs, Singles, Takens, Marrieds, Hotties, Uglys, Bis, Geeks, Handsomes and Ladies - All please queue up outside my door - You never know I may just let you in and up the stairs ;).

Motivation

I'm sat at my desk at work, trying to motivate myself to open my diary. However, my mind is full of a whole load of shit and I can't seem to bring myself to do any work until 10am. I've been here since 8.30am. It's as if I've decided no work until 10.

Anyway, on top of my computer I have a funny work thing and today it says

"We believe in give and take here, I give my time and effort and they take my freedom and dignity"

So True.

keeping my word

I sit here on a Sunday afternoon, thinking about the mess downstairs as I cooked a roast for myself and now can't bring myself to tidy up the mess. But I will, just give me 15 minutes.

I went to this photography thing yesterday and it was bloody amazing, it took an hour to walk round viewing all the photos and the place was packed out of arty farty type people. I don't really class myself as the artyfarty type but I can appreciate tallent and these photographers are super talented. I tried my harded to talk Jerk Boy in to coming with me but he had to study, he has some big exam tomorrow, he phoned though to ask how it was and I know it's something he'd really enjoy so when I was explaining it all to him he was pissed that he'd missed out.

I spoke to Climber Dude online yesterday afternoon, I told him that I reckon I can face him now and I'll try my hardest not to be quiet. I'm going round Best Friend's tonight and I reckon he'll be there so lets see if I can put on my bright and breeziest voice and be civil. I want to be able to keep my word but I'm still a little scared that with him in front of me I may just freeze and be quiet and not say a word! Ahh well.

Right I really can't focus knowing there is washing up to be done. Catch yaz x

Men... You should want this

RESULT

• No hangover today
• It snowed. So I danced in the snow.
• Told Climber Dude he needed to give me some time and he said he would.
• There is a photography display at my local museum and I'm going to go tomorrow.

Life at this moment in time. Is good. Oh yeah baby. Life is good.

DRUNK POST

It's been a long time since I drunk posted and I'm going to try not to alter any of the mistakes I make although, I;ve just mad e 4 and altered htem but now I am win the awsiwing of no alterations. haha. I cans seee that i HAVE TYPED OUT OF sink but i am trying ma drandest onot to coorect the mistakes i manuyke.

you have to laught rgight cox this is bad.

i haven'tmade so many schoole girl rreeroos in some item.

anwya to the pioint, went out with intellect and best friend tonight, intellect elt me drink best friend wasnot to happty abiut the amount i wa z xonsuming but the way i dee it is that he it's call climber duides thought anyway.

this is bad, i can see this is bad i want to corect eveyt mistake i make but 7 ir is it9 bacardis later nad i cnat bring myskr to do it.

are you folliowign>???? i sure hope you are hahah this is finny we shiould do this more often.

GOD I CNAT TRUYPE WHEN DRINK.

Ignorance is bliss

So, why am I not happy?

I can't believe that I have seen Climber Dude every night since our intense conversation. I saw him Monday night at the pub, I saw him Tuesday night and then last night I go round a friends house to catch up with them, and next thing I know they say to me "We've invited Climber Dude too, seeing as you to have been getting on lately knew you wouldn't mind *wink"

WHAT THE CRAP.

It was actually ok last night I managed to have conversation with him as if nothing had happened. He doesn't go on his skiing trip until Monday, but thankfully I don't "think" I'll see him before now. I say "think" because seriously I didn't "think" he'd be there last night and he was.

I keep finding myself wanting to pick up my phone and text him (I didn't even text him that much to start with), I keep saying to myself "I'll tell Climber Dude that when I next see him", I find myself replaying conversations we've had in my head, and I just am finding it all a bit strange. I really never thought I'd miss him this much. However, it is that time of the month so I'm sure that influences everything more. Next week when my cycle is over for a month and when he's away I'm sure my head will stop being so darn fuzzy.

In other news: I've been emailing Teddy, trying to make sure I stay in constant touch with him, at this moment in time I don't think I could cope if we lost touch, but I know what Teddy's life he's in and out of my life like the bloody yokeycokey.

I have another operation next week too. I'm fed up of my body I just want it to work properly. I'll only be off work for 2 days this time so I wont be wollowing in a bordom pity, but if this op doesn't work I may have to have another one and that one will mean I'm laid up for some time. It's weird having to face it without Climber Dude, last time he visited me loads, this time he'll be away and I'll be alone. I have asked Jerk Boy to visit me and he said he would but I don't want to become to relient on Jerk Boy, it's what I do and I need to stop doing it.

Talk about screwed up!

fuzzy head and looking like shit.

It really has been a tough few days, i'm definitely missing Climber Dude now. It's only been a few days without seeing him but it's the thought that actually we're not going to be spending anymore alone time together.

I saw him last night and he made an effort to come up to me and ask me how I was, the only issue was I looked like shit, and I wasn't ok! I was short with him in reply and when i left he shouted out "bye then Gretta". So, I think he'd figured out I was trying to ignore him but trying not working coz he wouldn't let me.

I text him when I got in saying "sorry if I seem quiet I just don't know what to say, just need some time. I'm sure in a week or 2 things will go back to normal"

Thankfully, he is going on a skiing trip in France with his dad, so I have a week off. It's a shame I can't get a week off my thoughts. The one good thing is, that Jerk Boy has been an angel, he's taken me under his wing, sitting by me when we're out, texting me asking if I'm ok, friendly smiles in work. He's just been a real star. Sometimes I realise how lucky I am to have great friends. I'm still shocked how down I've been over Climber Dude. I guess it's just coz it's been going on for so long and ultimately I was hoping it would turn into something and now it's been taken away just like that.

The after effect

I went out last night witha group of friends, some of the usual suspects were there Jerk Boy included. Jerk Boy and Climber Dude both live fairly close to each other and Jerk Boy told me when we were chatting that Climber Dude had asked him if I was going to be there tonight. Climber Dude has no idea that I would chat to Jerk Boy about us, and Jerk Boy felt very proud knowing that Climber Dude had no idea taht Jerk Boy knew. Boys are funny creatures.

I couldn't bring myself to speak to Climber Dude last night, we were sat far away from each other nad although our eyes met a few times I had nothing to say, clearly neither did he and I left early.

This morning I received and email from Best Friend telling me Climber Dude had text her to ask if I was ok. I don't know what to make of it all at the moment, he's clearly concerned about me.

I said I'd go out with some friends tonight too and I fear he maybe there, in fact I reckon he is definitely going to be there, and I don't know if I have anything to say to him anymore.

So tip for the day: Don't date someone in your closest circle of friends - it's just hard going and it makes things awkward for everyone else too.

no kissy kissy.

There's nothing I haven't told you.

I went round his last night and explained to him how freaked out I was becoming, how it was hard for me to consider going away iwth him and spending my life with him when we hadn't even kissed, when we hang out he chooses to sit on a different couch to me and I feel like he's not attracted to me at all I explained all this too him the best I could. I told him I liked him more than I'd let on in the past, that I was scared and putting my guards up, I even said I would really consider going away and try my hardest not to get freaked out anymore - however, I can't commit to going away iwthout falling for him first and I can't fall for him because in order for me to we need to take some steps like yeah kissing!!!!

He told me he was attracted to me and the night I freaked out he was gutted, but since then he hasn't been confused. He's set on going away next year and he's just no ready to commit to a relationship because him going away comes first and that means he can't give me the attention I need. Therefore he's decided we're best off as just friends. He said I know I sound like the Jerk now where 2 days ago I was asking you to consider spending your life with me and now I'm saying we're better off as friends, but I haven't been this clear in a long time and I really do think I've freaked you out too much and put too much pressure on for it to work, but you needed to know that my plan was always to go away.

I do understand. I do. I'm upset, I went round my folks after talking to him and cried on my mum - she's the best at times. It's weird I just think I began to think that me and Climber Dude could work, and within 3 days it was all taken away from me.

This is life. This is my secret life.

Dead end???

Last night I went for a drink with Climber Dude all went well and he invited me back to his place after. Got back to his place and continued to talk about going away next year, at first it was fine, but then I just started getting this freaky feeling. It was as if I didn't have a choice, I'm either with him and going away next year, or I'm not with him. There seems to be no middle, it's either I'm with him and going away or not with him (it's groundhog day in my mind today can you tell?).

So, I just went quiet, he knew there was a problem straight away, it's not often I got that quiet. He asked me what was wrong and I told him.

"We're suppose to be at the start of a relationship but when you talk about going away, you talk as if I'm going with you. Although I'd consider it, I'm not definite and I feel that I don't really have a choice - I just feel like there is soooo much pressure. I know it's something you want to do, and I know it's on your heart so you're gona wana talk about it but when you talk about it, it adds extra pressure on me to make a decision and I'm not in the place where I can. I can't help but think maybe we are better off as just friends"

He asked me if I saw him as more than a friend. I told him

"At times I do, but at other times I see us as really good friends".

I asked him where we go from here and he said well I think we've reached our conclusion, we're just friends. I stayed for a little while longer, he put a bond film on. Then I left, when I left he said "Well, Gretta it's been emotional" I was a little confused by that comment.

My whole insides were just freaking out, it's as if he wants my life to just fit in with his plans, and he doesn't seem very flexible with his plans and I'm just unsure I can conform to that.

I've been in confused agony today, my mum told me that what he's asking me to do isn't that big of a deal and actually she thinks it will be good for me, she then said she knows she can't run my life for me.

Best Friend said she understands why I feel pressure and doesn't think he should be making me feel pressure, isn't the start of a relationship suppose to be fun and exciting, you're not suppose to be thinking about a year down the line?

Jerk Boy said he understood why Climber Dude was asking what he was asking, he was sounding you out, he needs to know because he has a plan and he needs to know that if you're in it that you'll fit in it. I explained to Jerk Boy but for a second date to make it feel so pressured isn't good, and Jerk Boy agreed if it were him he'd run a mile but still can understand why Climber Dude was asking.

I feel confused. I text him 10mins ago asking how he was doing today and how was work going? He hasn't replied but he's still at work so I don't expect him to until he finishes. I can't describe how I feel, I'm unsure it's over even though I came away last night with the impression we're no more than friends. I dunno - it's all so confusing.

For the girls (and boys) dateupdate

Ok so deciding what to wear was a nightmare.... We've been hanging out lots lately and he's used to me being casual so he'd know if I'd made an outright effort and even though I wanted to make an effort, I didn't want to be OTT. So, yeah it was a toss up between my black dress and brown boots that Best Friend says I look cute in or my tight dark blue jeans with a fitted red top (that goes great with my brunette hair and pale complexion) I went with the jeans and red top. I went for the natural look make up bar the fact that I had a massive zit on my chin that required, savlon, coverup and then a dusting of foundation but other than that I went for subtle with natural shades of eye shadow, little eyeliner and tips of lashes mascara. I kept my hair down but put enough clay in it to make it look that little bit suave and sexy.

I picked up some Ben & Jerrys for desert on the way, and turned up a few minutes late. I'm glad I didn't go overboard as he was dressed fairly casually. He cook Spag bol and although it's a fairly easy dish to cook it was really nice. Over dinner we had a chat and he asked if I'd thought anymore about our conversation and I just said that "we should take it a day at time and see how it goes" and he said that he sees are relationship changing so we turn into a couple and I explained to him that I've been single for a very loooonnnggg time and he'd need to be patient with me and he said he's also been single for a long tme and completely understands so we came the conclusion we'd take things slow and see how they progress.

After dinner we went to the lounge and we watched coach carter - he sat on what I call "his chair" and I led out on the sofa. Half way through the movie he came and sat at the end of the sofa near my feet and he was like "are you warm enough?" and I was like "yeah I am but my feet are cold as always" and he picked up my feet and sat on them for me - which I thought was cute. BUT.... Then I got cramp in my toe, so I took my foot out and started wiggling it around, but then the cramp went up my leg and I said "I have to stand up and get the cramp out" but when I stood up my leg buckled I couldn't even put my foot flat on the floor, he grabbed my leg and tried to stretch it out but I was like aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh don't it hurts and he went back and sat on his chair -I was so embarrassed, it was so funny as well tho and I kept giggling like a right idiot - I'm sure he thought he must be crazy and so must I at that point. I haven't had cramp like that in ages, it wasn't good.

Anyway, I hugged him goodbye (no kiss) for some odd reason I'm really nervous, we're not very touchy feely at this stage and I think it's because we've been friends for so long and that's making the trasition from friend to more than difficult. We're gona go for a drink tonight and I am excited but I'm also nervous and I want to not embarrass myself because that would be good and I am a little scared at how it's sped up only a few weeks ago he said he didn't want a relationship and now, I'm pretty certain he wants us to be in a relationship but I'm just feeling really nervous about it. I haven't been in a proper, commited relationship for 5 years, so I'm just out of practice really.

I'm a little concerned because some of the people I've talked to about it haven't been particularly encouraging; so for instance I know Scotty's view point which I can understand because of previous posts but I can promise you he's really putting the effort in now, best friend was concerned about the lack of effort he was putting in before he went away but is happier now I'm less confused, she does still find him a little arrogant though but I quite like that about him, Jerk Boy thinks I might be settling because I want a relationship and he doesn't know if we'd work, but the way I see it is at the moment I'm really enjoying his company, since getting back from being away at Christmas he's really made an effort and things seem easier, yes I'm not 100% sure but I can't rule it out either, I feel like I just need to take it a day at a time and see how it goes. I'm nervous but excited. Don't know if that makes sense to you guys? it does to me though.

New Year, New Changes.

It's been a bit of a funny holiday season. Not much blogging for me! When I checked google reader I had 23 posts to read. Kindof mad! No?

So, the other funny thing was that when Climber Dude came back from being away he contacted me loads, instigated loads of time with me and now we have ourselves an "official" date this evening.

We had it out 2 days ago, he said the reason he'd been so confused and keeping me at arms length was because he's planning on going away in 09. However, he said there is no denying that our friendship is changing and he can't stand the thought of not spending time with me (cute). For the first time all of his messing me about made sense to me, he was just really confused. He asked if we were in a relationship would I consider going with him. I explained if I did it would use up all of my money I have in the bank and I'd be left pretty skint, and for me to consider doing a year travel with him then we'd need to be in a steady relationship, if it doesn't work out I don't want things to be awkward etc. We're both still unsure, but we've decided to just take things one day at a time and see if they progress. I feel the most unconfused about the situation ever. I feel good about it all a little nervous about dinner at his tonight though.

As for Flatmate - That's over. I ended it as soon as Climber Dude and I had that discussion. He might be able to cheat on his girlfriend, but I can't do it to my man, and at this moment in time it looks like my man might be Climber Dude very shortly.