Gretta and the older man

I don't mind the older man to a point. For instance, if they're not quite old enough to be my dad is ok, if they aren't old drunks, is ok, if they have a full set of teeth, is ok, if they aren't pervy and are genuine then age isn't too much of an issue for me.

Yesterday. I got hit on by not just 1 older man but 2.

Old man #1. He owns the newspaper shop next to where I work. If I go in the morning, he's sober and normal, if I go in the afternoon he's a drunk perve. Yesterday he offers me a cup of tea round the back of his shop. I surprisingly decline, I'm thinking it's not a cup of tea he'll be giving me.

Old man #2. The delivery man. At about 3pm the intercom goes and I have delivery I have to deal with. I see the size of the box and think that box looks heavy the delivery guy must have read my mind "It's actually not heavy don't look so terrified" I reply "good, it just looks heavy then" Then he grabs my bicep and starts stroking it and then says "it's ok you've had your wheetabix this morning" then smiles at me showing that he has 1 front tooth missing. I don't like being touched by old toothless men, which I think was apparent when I gave him "The Look". The look that I have mastered now due to Jerk Boy when he pushed me too far.

The thing is these men are enough to put Gretta right off the older man. These guys are pervy, nasty men. That are yukky.

My loins... It's been too long.

Last night I was suppose to be going to the gym with a girlfriend. She’d managed to get a free pass, but in turns out we have to do the stupid induction – I say stupid because me and this friend live off of free gym passes, we both try and flirt our way into getting them and somehow it often works! Anyway, the person leading the induction was off sick and therefore we’ve had to re-schedule for next week, which meant that I was stuck at home alone.

I decided to crack on with some online Christmas shopping but I must confess that wasn’t the only reason I was online. I knew that Climber Dude would be on after work. His shift finished at 9pm, which meant that by the time he’d got home from work he’d be online at around 10.15pm. I was spot on. I didn’t want to strike up a conversation with him because I thought I might seem a bit full on after chatting to him in the morning, but he struck up the conversation with me so it didn’t matter. Again we didn’t chat too long because I had to be in work early. Although being in work early has turned out to be a waste of time because the boss’s car broke down so he’s now working from home.

Anyway, it’s likely I’ll see Climber Dude tonight. Might get the gang together and go to the pub, I think he might be avoiding alone time with me. I think that’s wise because I am so in need of man at the moment it’s unbelievable. I’ve been writing erotic emails to intellect about an imaginary diet coke break. Imaginary coz the guys I work with (bar diet coke man who is in tomorrow as it happens) aren’t worth my ogling power.
I NEED MAN.

Who wudda thought I'd be here!

Last night Climber Dude invited some people round to his place to catch up.

I got intellect to drive and as we pulled up Climber Dude text us saying he was out and running late but he shouldn't be too long. We decided to go and find the nearest shop.

As I was in the shop I turned around and there he was Climber Dude and then walking behind him was another girl that we know. We will call her ditzy becasue she really is. My first thought was..... He's been with Ditzy, I felt jealousy swarm over me like a swarm of wasps. I'm not sure what my facial expression said at that moment in time but all I could think was..... "He likes Ditzy".

I buy the pack of sweets that were in my hand and I head outside to Intellect's car still feeling slightly crappy inside and then I see Ditzy get into her car, than Climber Dude followed and got into his car which was parked the otherside of Ditzy's car.

So, it turns out me and Intellect weren't the only ones thinking of going to the shop before meeting at Climber Dude's place. Ditzy also had the same idea and so did Climber Dude and we'd all bumped into each other in the shop - nothing going on between them at all. How stupid did I feel after that?

I really hate these feelings though. I can't remember the last time I was properly jealous! The thing is he hasn't tried anything on even though I'd like it if he did, and I don't think he is going too even though I want him too AND I am not happy about him trying it on with anyone else either.

Last night he made a point of making it clear he was still planning on going away next year and I really don't think that he's looking for a girlfriend of any sort, me or anyone so that's good, but in saying that we have definitely started flirting a bit more even last night we were a bit, our friendship HAS now changed, I feel comfortable around him and not only that we're definitely spending more time together.

I got home last night and he was online, he started a conversation with me, it was brief coz I had to go to bed due to work today. Then at work today - I was majorly busy but he was on a afternoon shift with his work so he just chit chatted to me on msn all morning, while I was doing my work - like it wasn't a constant conversation but it was just a chit chat and then he said bye before going to work.

I know I'm being typically female and analysing EVERY little detail but in my opinion something has chnaged between us.

However, I think the timing of this is so unbelieveabley wrong. He doesn't want a relationship, he wants to go and study abroad next year. I do want a relationship, I'm beginning to get feelings for him and I'm not happy about him being with another girl, yet there is no way, no matter how close we come would I ever ask him not to pursue his dream . Whether he's interested or not, at this moment in time we are in totally different places in our lives. He's younger than me too which you wouldn't know because he looks older, but that could be something to do with why we're in different places with out lives.

So, the end line is, I need to not have feelings for Clmber Dude. However, feelings are feelings because you can't control them! I guess I need to not chat to him on msn so much, because msn is a risky business with me, I feel like I can be more open online and that's not ALWAYS a good thing, I need to try and back off but I don't REALLY want too..

Side Note: Jerk Boy and Pretty Girl are flirting so oooooo much it's shocking I feel like telling them to go and find a private office somewhere. Young love makes me wana puke.

There maybe trouble a head.

I think I'm getting feelings for Climber Dude.

I don't want to have feelings for Climber Dude, because I can't work him out at all, but... I think I have feelings for Climber Dude.

I don't really like feelings. I like to be in control and when feelings are in control it all goes horribly wrong for Gretta.

For instance,

Horrible situation #1 - when I started getting feelings for Jerk Boy - it all went wrong, for 2 weeks then we picked up our friendship and have been fine ever since, but those 2 weeks of avoiding each other in work and with friends was horrible.

Horrible situation #2 - Teddy, met Teddy traveling, built up a relationship, he asks me to stay, I can't because my flight home is booked and he left it until the day before I had to leave to ask, then 2 years later we meet again and the same chemistry is still there, yet... HE LEAVES.

Horrible situation #3 - I get to know Flatmate, knowing Flatmate has a girlfriend, he works his stuff with me being some super human with a great amount of strength for the first 2 months of his constant pursuing and then eventually I cave in, we start having a fling, for a good month of that no real feelings were involved and then - There they are.... Feelings, and as soon as feelings started happening, he goes straight back to his happy little life, with his happy little girlfriend.

So Climber Dude....

He invited me to go surfing and camping this weekend, with him and another couple we know. This confused me, I invite him out to the pub (thinking it as a time to catch up with just him) he then invites all of our friends. So, I think (understandably) he doesn't want to spend time alone with me, he's not interested.

Then.... The next day he invites me to go camping and surfing with another couple?? What the crap is that about? I say no. It's practically winter here there is no chance you're gona get me in a tent when it's cold. He then texts me saying they can't camp because all of the campsites are shut (yes that's because it's winter you insane lunatic) so they're just gona go for the day instead - so am I up for it.

I have a long think about and and then decide that I've only ever been surfing once before, and 6 foot waves, in the cold sea in winter, having to hire a wetsuit and having to get up ridiculously early to travel to coast on a Saturday, all combined, that NO I wouldn't go.

Came online last night and he was still trying his hardest to convince me to go but my decision was completely made. I WAS NOT GOING. I'm glad too, because I still felt a little rejected from the night before.

Anyway, I'm probably going to catch up with him on Sunday but the point is, there was one reason that was swaying me the other way with surfing, and that was I wouldn't have minded spending the say with Climber Dude. I did feel rejected when he invited everyone else to join us at the pub, I like coming online to see him online so we can have a quick chat before bed, and now when someone in our group of friends mentions Climber Dude I find myself listening in to figure out what they're saying.

This is bad. I don't want to have feelings for Climber Dude, when Gretta gets feelings, it all goes horribly wrong.

How rejected do I feel?

So, now I wish I'd never text Climber Dude at all.

I text him asking if he's up for something later, he replies saying he is and suggests our local, I say great, then he says I'll send a text round and see if others are up for it too.

Well, I'd rather him have said no I'm busy tonight then, yeah but let me invite every Tom, Dick and Harry. I have my answer I think. He aint interested. That's it. I'm done with Climber Dude. I am sure I spend my life ummming about this guy, and everytime we start getting close he backs off.

I feel rejected :(

Maybe I should give up on men.

Teddy was online last night, he was waiting at Miami airport for his next flight, to his next destination. Thing is he told me when I started chatting to him that his battery was dying, and then we chatted briefly for a bit him filling me in on what he'd been up to and then said "my bat really is gona die so I'll say bye in advance"

That was that, either he was telling the truth and his battery was on it's last legs, or...... He wanted to avoid me! I can't read too much into it, it hurts enough already.

So, I've text Climber Dude this morning to see if he wants to do something later. He hasn't replied as yet, but I felt pathetic last night home alone with no one to play with and nothing to do. I started thinking about how I'd feel if Climber Dude started seeing someone and it did bother me, so I just feel like maybe I need to give him more of a chance, not that I even know if he's interested - Intellect thinks he is! But I can't figure him out, mind you I struggle figuring guys out period at the moment.

Jerk Boy and Pretty Girl are both in work today and I'm not sure how I'm gona cope watching them flirt all day long, my diet coke man was in yesterday and I was on my best behaviour (to a point) I did buy him a chocolate bar before getting to work, but he said he was on a diet and didn't want it so I ended up giving it to the 65 year old maintenance guy and I think he eneded up thinking he'd have a chance with me. haha serves me right.

Speaking of work, boss might actually arrive soon, I'm waiting on his document before I can do anything, he's late because he's clearly missed the deadline I gave him which was yesterday. I should try and do something in the mean time tho. Oooooh Jerk Boy and Pretty Girl make me want to vomit right about now. YUK.

still raving.

I'm feeling a bit like a girl with nothing to do tonight. I thought I'd hear from Climber Dude today, but I haven't. I am actually bothered by this, maybe I shouldn't be but I am - a text, a call, even a do you wana meet up this week would be nice but nothing, zilch.

I was meant to be going out with Intellect tonight but she ended up cancelling on me and now I'm sat at home for the second night in a row feeling a bit like crap I have no friends. It's not the case but they're all in relationships and blah blah blah. Even Jerk Boy's been hitting on the new girl at work, she's very very pretty and looks young mainly because she is young. I don't care but it's like I don't exist to Jerk Boy now pretty girl has come along. Worst part is she is adorable totally lovely, totally someone I can actually see Jerk Boy with but if Jerk Boy gets into a relationship now, seriously I'll be the one left, at least we were the 2 singletinis together relying on each other. If he gets taken, man it just doesn't bare thinking about.

What is my life coming too - even tho I like being single when everyone is settling down around me I can't be like this forever I don't know what to do ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

Flatmate is a lucky sod. I'M RANTING AGAIN.

I’m still feeling pretty crap about what Tan said about Flatmate and Gifty’s relationship. I really have the power to totally screw Flatmate over if I want too. Tan gave me his number to stay in touch with him, don’t worry people Tan has a girlfriend too and I’ve learnt my lesson with guys that have girlfriends. I am sure I could easily find out lots of info about Flatmate and Gifty from Tan but it’s not wise for me to do so and I accept that but gee it’s good having the power.

I’m not gona be the bitch I want to be, right now I want to track down Gifty and tell her everything but the only reason I want to do that is to get at Flatmate, and it’s not actually Gifty’s fault the her boyfriend/the man she’s choosing to marry, is a dick head who’s not only been in her bed. It just frustrates me that he’s got away with it, he’s had his cake and he’s eaten it too and even though I could cause a whole lot of shit to hit the fan that’s above his head and perfect little life. I’m not going to because ultimately I don’t want to cause Gifty that pain and it’s not my place to. Even though if my bloke had been intimate with another girl I’d sure want to know before committing my life to that guy.

My I’m ranting and raving today. It’s just frustrated me. He gets to be happy and what do I get, the guy that I really want to be with is off travelling the world and then is going to set up home about as far away from me as possible. How’s that fair?
He has his cake and eats it and when he’s finished one he then keeps the original and me, me I get no bloody cake at all. LIFE IS SHITE SOMETIMES. FACT.

I'm a real bitch.

You will never guess who I bumped into on my way to work this morning. I bumped into the guy who introduced me to Flatmate, who we'll call Tan (because he seems to have a constant Tan). Anyway, he knows nothing about the Flatmate situation a part from that we were friends, because he know Gifty.

Anyhow, he started chatting to me about Flatmate and Gifty and told me that they're still going strong and he reckons they're going to get hitched.

I kind of have always known this was the case but I wanted to say "they're still going strong" I know differently because if you only knew what Flatmate had been up to then you'd know taht relationship wasn't particularly "strong" all the time. However, I thought better of it.

I came away though wanting to contact Flatmate, wanting to get in there again, wanting to cause trouble for him. I know I sound like a real bitche BUT HOW DARE HE BE HAPPY. How dare he just be able to pick up his relationship and make it work after everything. I don't even WANT him anymore but oh I don't even know what my point is, it's just NOT FAIR.

Moving on had a long chat interesting chat with Climber Dude on MSN last night, it was good I do feel like I'm opening more and more to this guy. I still can't read him but there we go.

Oh and my facebook status was "Gretta is excited after last night" and I got a message from Teddy saying "so what happened last night to make you so excited?" Maybe he's fretting a bit but what am I suppose to do, put my life on hold in the hope that he'll return some day. I can't do that.

Gretta's trying to resume normality.

ok... No more pining from me. Still in my head Teddy is a rare guy, and Best Friend keeps telling me if it's meant to be it'll be. I don't think it is meant to be I get the impression from a lot of things that maybe Teddy has been part of my life to put my faith back in males if only for a short time.

Anyway. Forget Teddy. Even tho he's taken my heart.

Saturday: Climber Dude invited me to go on a 10mile walk in the English countryside. 10 FUCKING miles. I somehow agreed to this. Gretta doesn't really do walking in the countryside and she doesn't own a pair of walking boots. So, considering it's winter, it's cold and the ground is a bit jewwy, I needed a plan. So, I got my adidas (all day I dream about sex) trainers but I wore 2 pairs of socks and then wrapped my feet up in plastic carrier bags. Oh yeah I am a sexy mama.

The walk actually went ok, there were about 3 hills that made me wheeze like an unattractive 89 year old with a lung disorder, but the views at the top of the hills were worth it, and thankfully after 6 miles Climber Dude was the one to throw in the towel and suggest getting the country bus back to where he parked his car. Which we did and then we stopped in a little country pub on the way back for food. It was a really nice day even if I did feel like an 89 year old woman with a lung disease for most of it.

On the evening watched those DIRTY DIRTY south afrikans beat my boys but it was all good.

Sunday: Spend the day with Jerk Boy. Jerk Boy decided for some reason on Sunday that he wanted to violate my personal space, I think it's because I keep Jerk Boy at a safe distance in every area of my life, including the physical. However, we decided to push the boundaries a bit and see how far we could get until we totally freaked each other out. We sat holding hands, which was lame, and then I cuddled up to him and he started stroking my hair, then I started letting my hand up under his t-shirt and THEN, he just slipped his hand into the FRONT of my jeans - no pre-warning nothing. WELL, THAT WAS TOOO FAR AND HE KNEW IT. haha it was funny. I was like "there is a line and it's above my belt". Honestly, men what is wrong with them. Anyway, before he just went straight in there with no warm up I was quite enjoying the physical, it's so rare for us to be like that. It's sweet because we know where we stand.

On Sunday night I went round Climber Dude's and we just hung out - he's still not made any type of move and I'm not gona make a move on him. He says he's going away next year so at the moment I just think we're hanging out. Intellect thinks he likes me because Friday night when we were all in the pub, Jerk Boy was commenting on my boobs, and Climber Dude got up and left the pub. Intellect noticed and said she thinks he was funny about Jerk Boy looking at your boobs. Men are a bit funny about that sort of thing sometimes aren't they? I don't get why really but it's like a territory thing. Anyway who knows I just at the moment I'm quite enjoying hanging out with him so even if nothing comes of it I'm gaining a friend.

See - people I'm trying, I'm trying to forget about Teddy.

:(

Things are so complicated at the moment, I don't know what to blog, I just feel like my heart's disappeared.

I want it back.

I reckon Teddy stole it and now he's gone.

Confused.

I can't write about Teddy I just can't. I'm sorry Betty.

I was having a discussion the other day with a friend and she said this....

"Everyday I learn new lessons, and lately I've been learning that you don't necessarily marry the love of your life, some times circumstances and situations mean you miss opportunities and you end up marrying someone else. The doesn't mean you don't love them with all your heart but it still might not be the love of you life, it could just be the love at that time, that you commit too".

I didn't really understand what she meant when she said that. It's definitely been stuck in my head leaving me confused.

However, this week I'm beginning to understand it.

Climber Dude and I seem to be building up quite a friendship now, not a relationship but it feels as if we're setting some king of foundation for something. I'm not at all comfortable with it but it doesn't feel wrong. He's no Teddy, but he's stable. He's planning on going away for 6 months and I think I may miss him during that time.

I'm not saying I'm gona end up marrying Climber Dude, but what I am saying is that I can't be with Teddy, and maybe who I'm with isn't going to be the love of my life, but they'll be right for that time.

I'm chatting utter shit aren't I?

Boob you like.

When you're gone, the pieces of my heart miss you.

I'm trying my darndest not to thing about Teddy, but it's pretty tough. I just feel a little lost right now. I know I'm being the biggest sook going. It's just, I dunno. I guess I can't even explain things right now.

In other news - Orlando Bloom (who I want to shag senseless). Might have to go to court because the pap have photographed him walking away from an accident, THAT THE PAP CAUSED!!!!!!!! These people are ridiculous, and ok I am biased but the same pap took photos of him that showed him sat next to the injured person taking care of her until the emergency services arrived. Now because of these pics showing he walked away from the accident (THAT THE PAPARAZZI CAUSED because they were chasing the poor bloke) he could get done for hit and run. LUDICROUS.

I miss Teddy.

You say hello and I say goodbye, goodbye, goodbye.

It's a long story so I'm not gona devulge too much.

I was half hoping Teddy wouldn't be everything I made him out to be in my head. A person can change in 2 years right? right?

Yeah he'd changed. He was everything I made him out to be and more. Meeting him in London was (in his words) sweet as.

We went on the London Eye, did all the sights, cuddled while watching a film at the movies, walked hand in hand through hyde park, enjoyed bacardis, strolled at night through china town and picadilli circus. Gee I didn't want this weekend to end.

I'm finding this hard to write. You all know that I go on and on about how important it is for me to feel comfortable around a guy. Well, I feel so comfortable around him, he could seriously fondle my boobs in public I feel that comfortable, I can be myself, I don't have to pretend, even though he is super intelligent, earns BUCKS and had 2 uni degrees, I don't feel like I have to be someone I'm not. I don't know if he feels the same way. All I know is saying goodbye to him late last night was just if not more hard than 2 years ago. And I only spend a short amount of time with him in comparison.

As he walked me to the bus station, we embraced, as I pulled away, his hand ran over my arm and I found his hand in mine with his fingers not wanting to let go of mine. I couldn't look him in the eye, I didn't want to have to do this again, I hate saying goodbye to that boy.

As I walked away I said "stay in touch, keep me posted on the rest of your trip" and he nudged me and said "as if I wouldn't"

I waved at him as I climbed on my bus, clearly not wanting to go. He waved a wave that was just about as slow as my walk to my seat.

I looked out of the window and he was gone, the coach left the station and then my phone went off. "Thanks for a wonderful time".

I replied "as if I'd miss it for anything"

And that is that. Teddy been, gone, and he's not the person I remember, he's that person and sooo sooo much more. I miss him already.

Get in

The world cup rugby final that is. GO ENGLAND.

Teddy

I know I've bigged this guy up probably far too much than he deserves but he really did leave a lasting impression on me.

Anyway, he's also a huge pain in my rear end because he's got a flight to England tonight!!!!! Yes you heard me right his plans have changed so much that he's not coming next weekend he's coming this weekend. He's asked me to meet him in London Sun/Mon and his flight to his next destination is Tuesday.

I can't believe it. I had to call the boss on a weekend to request Monday off work. He was fine but it's been such a palava. I just hope it will be worth it.

I've already let him knwo that I think he's a huge pain in the rear end.

In other news I went to lunch with Climber Dude today, and it was alright.

I crave that boy.

The meal was delicious. The company was great. My boobs were looking fabulous. I feel pretty fabulous. Bar 1 thing.

I suddenly am having a Flatmate urge.

The only reason I am online now is in the hope that he'll appear online and say lovely things to me, make me horny, make me want him and for me to go to bed wet longing for more.

I know it's wrong, I know I shouldn't be wanting that, I know you're all bored to the maximum with my Flatmate talk. I just really want him right now and I don't even really understand why!

I guess it's a good thing he's not online.

Giggles like a girl

I am sooooooooooooo excited that I may actually pee myself by the end of the day!

Oh yeah about 2 months ago a Moroccan restaurant that is run by a Moroccan family opened in my neighbourhood. I've been meaning to check out this restaurant for the past month or so. Everytime me and Intellect drive past we always comment that we must go.

Then this week we got our acts together and I've booked a table for me, Intellect, Climber Dude and Best Friend this evening. I invited heaps of people but for some reason they're all boring.

I can't wait I love Moroccan food, I love the smell of the spices, the lushness of the couscous, the olives, humus and pitta bread.

What makes it even more appealing is the fact, the restaurant is in walking distance to my place, so for once in my life I don't have to drive which means I can drink. Yey - tonight is def gona be a good, scruptious night. YEY YEY YEY.

Happy is..

.. relaxing in a hot bubbly bath

.. drinking a large glass of wine

.. climbing into a freshly made bed with clean sheets

.. tonight - because I'll be doing all of the above

King Teddy...

After Scotty posted a poem on his blog from old. I fished out a poem I wrote about Teddy, after returning from my travels and us losing contact for a few months. I think I must have written it about a year and half ago but I don't really remember. It's a bit soppy, a bit personal but I hope you enjoy.

KING TEDDY

Your embrace so strong, so warm and tender
Your touch so amazing that I will always remember
Your heart so open for all to see
You were everything I needed and all I wanted to be

Your smile had a glint that sparkled in the dark
Your eyes like lasers looked straight into my heart
Your hair so soft that I longed to feel
You cherished me like no other, are you for real?

So caring, so protective, so generous, so true
You stared at me and I stared at you
So loving, so willing, so careless and free
I wanted you and you wanted me

Our friendship has changed from what it was
There seems to be distance and a lot less love
Although deep down I know you still care
It’s just not the same now talking to you is so rare

I think I need you more now than I ever needed you before
Which is odd because I seem to be a lot less insecure
Even though things can probably never go back to the way they were
You’ll always mean a lot to me and that’s the one thing I know for sure.

I can’t forget the tightness of your hug when I was feeling down
I can’t forget what you did for me when no one else was around
I can’t forget the smile you gave that made me feel so at ease
I can’t forget the comments you made, my you were a tease

I know you saw yourself as a bit of a king
I could understand why, you could have anything
It made me smile when you seemed so keen
If things were different I would have willingly been your queen.

rain rain go away.

thud, a continuous thud, a thud that keeps going and going and going.

Thud is the only way I can describe the rain hitting against the roof of the office, the noise is both comforting and distressing. Sending shivers down my spine and an excitement to my groin.

I remember running in the rain, being free in the rain, your white t-shirt turning seethrough in the rain.

I remember crying in the rain, hiding in the rain, scared of slipping over in the rain.

Rain, can be good, rain can be bad, but today's rain brings back happy reminders of the past of good times gone by, it also brings reminders of pain caused and suffering experienced.

I miss you when it rains, more than any other time.

Booyah.

This weekend was quite cool in many ways, one way being England beating the Aussies. Sorry Betty and CS to do it to you again, I really thought you guys were gona thrash us so it was a nice surprise when you didn’t but man you must be getting frustrated with our kicking, we didn’t even score 1 try and we still won.

Climber Dude did turn up to watch the rugby with me and he stayed for the whole afternoon, after the rugby we went for a walk as I live just outside the city near a fair bit of greenery, so we went and enjoyed the surroundings, and things were very chilled we were comfortable. That’s a big thing for Climber Dude, I don’t often feel comfortable around him but I didn’t feel like he was hitting on me, I just felt like he was being a friend. When we got back after our walk we watched a movie (Little Miss Sunshine). I love this movie and it makes me laugh so hard and I was thinking he might not get the sense of humour in this movie but he was laughing really hard as well.

On the evening he’d invited people round his house, and as I’d been drinking beer I asked him if I could hitch a ride back with him to his house and then I’d grab a lift home with someone else later, so we went back to his place and our friends came over and joined us. Jerk Boy was one of those friends, and he seemed to get a little protective of me when he realised I’d spent the whole afternoon with Climber Dude, he’d definitely got a little funny about things. Strange boy.

I don’t really understand him at times, but he annoyed me because while I was at Climber Dudes I received a text from Teddy congratulating me about the rugby. Teddy is an Aussie but he’s not into rugby at all so he wasn’t bothered by the result but knew I’d be. Jerk Boy read that text and then started being a right idiot, winding me up about things when the stuff I’ve told him about Teddy I’ve told him in confidence. I was annoyed at him anyway, he just gets under my skin sometimes, silly over protective friend.

Sunday I went over Best Friends and her hubby’s for lunch which was lovely – they to were at Climber Dude’s the night before and they were asking if they would get to meet Teddy when he’s over (which again was Jerk Boys doing). Then they went in the kitchen and I could over hear best friend’s hubby saying that he thought Jerk Boy was jealous of Teddy last night.

So, it wasn’t just me, who’d noticed that he was acting up a bit. I think that me and Jerk Boy may have to sit down and have a serious chat at some point, I can’t have him messing things up for me if I do meet someone. I’m definitely gona want someone I’m in a relationship with to meet Jerk Boy and have some sort of friendship with him, I mean Jerk Boy is really close to me and it would be natural for them to get on, but I’m not going to want to introduce them if Jerk Boys going to be funny about things.

On Sunday evening I went over a friend’s house and everyone was there again just catching up, and Climber Dude mentioned that he’s planning on going off next year.

This felt like a good thing, with me knowing that I know that he’s not looking for more than friendship because he has plans of his own, and I reckon I’ll be a lot more comfortable around him from now on, and that’s a good thing. I reckon it is anyway. Hmmmm.

If there were an award for most confusing man on the earth ever, Climber Dude would win it.

Last night I went to the pub with The Ex, I left his hoody at home though whoopsie - anyway, we got there a bit early, but we'd invited some other people to join us later so we had chance to catch up a bit first. So, we caught up for about a hour and then Best Friend and Hubby joined us and then a bit later Climber Dude turned up.

It was great to catch up with Best Friend I haven't seen her much since she's been married, but she's invited me over for Sunday lunch with her and hubby tomorrow so that'll be good. Anyway, Climber Dude was being strange again and this conversation took place.

Climber Dude: What time's the rugby on tomorrow?

Gretta: Coverage starts at 1.10pm

Climber Dude: kick off at 2 then I guess.

Gretta: Yeah I guess.

Best Friend and Hubby then leave the pub, and then The Ex goes to the toilet so me and Climber Dude our on are own. I had nothing to say to him really.

Climber Dude: I'm gona pop round yours tomorrow and watch the rugby with you.

He was that blunt, aren't you suppose to wait for an invite I thought to myself!!!!

Gretta: Well, yeah you're welcome to come round.

That was kind of a bit of a hint that maybe he should have waited to be invited.

Climber Dude: So, you've got the beer in right?

Gretta: Of course I have the beer in, and I also have some pizzas in the freezer to chuck in the over, I mean seriously you can't watch rugby without junk food and beer.

Climber Dude: Sounds great, I'll be there at about 1.50.

So it seems I have an afternoon with Climber Dude, however I expect him to text me at about 1pm to say something else has cropped up, it usually does. I actually quite liked the way he just invited himself round without asking though, it was as if I didn't have a choice in the matter, and as I've been soooo indecisive lately, his assertive decisiveness was actually a good thing.

Betty, I think Australia are gona kick our English arses, but it's always good to watch rugby men in shorts ;).

We all have enough insecurities as it is, we don't need someone giving us more.

I had a lovely night in last night, I had a hot bubbly bath, a rather large glass of rum and coke and I got an early night watching tv in bed. I didn't hear a thing from Flatmate and I think he's got the message and I'm glad about that. Although I think I'm worth being pursued haha.

Anyway, The Ex has invited me out tonight, which is interesting, I still have his hoody from the last time we went out because I got really cold, so I must remember to return that. I can't believe he gets married in May, it's bizarre to think about it and if I'm to be honest I think he's gona make a shockingly bad husband and I feel a little sorry for the girl marrying him but I guess that's her choice.

I know I sound harsh but The thing about The Ex is he used to verbally abuse me quite a bit, he slowly stripped away my security about myself in quite an evil way. Now, I'm not stick thin, I'm a curvy lady, I actually quite like my curves, my breasts have certainly been a good assett to have especially when I want a guy to do something for me lol. Yet The Ex had a very strange look on things. Women had to have less food on their plate than men in his family, it was a done thing women eat less. So, when we went to his folks house I'd always come away still hungry. I grew up in a household where home cooked meals round that table were regular things, and if you wanted seconds you had seconds, if you wanted thirds you had thirds, and often I'd eat as much as my dad if not more and it wasn't frowned upon. It's not that we're huge gluttons, it's just that we enjoy good food and when you're full you stop.

Now when I was with my ex he used to make comments about my weight, if I ate a bar of chocolate he would tut at me, if I had a biscuit with my cup of tea I was being naughty. Soon enough I became very insecure about my weight, and what you'd expect is that I'd stop eating but not me, I began to get resentful towards him, I hated the fact that I'd get a smaller plate of food, I hated if he tutted me if I ate a chocolate bar or a biscuit, so I began to eat more out of spite, if he upset me I'd go home and stuff my face thinking ha ha I'm one up on him.

That probably wasn't the right attitude to have, but what can I say I didn't appreciate being dictated too.

Let me get back to the point, I've met The Ex's fiance a few times now and the last time I met her I heard her saying things like "the ex says he likes me when I'm a bit thinner" or "the ex doesn't like me to have a pudding when we go out for a meal" and sure enough the picture was painted very clear to me, that girls security bit by bit was being stripped away from her in the same way mine was. I honestly believe I had a lucky escape when I ended that relationship.

However, in saying all that, The Ex is actually a REALLY great friend and we make far better friends then we ever did in a relationship. I make him sound awful but in truth, he a really caring man who has always looked out for me but in a relationship he tried to change me and I just didn't want to be changed.

I'll have a good night tonight, but I wonder if The Ex will end up a happily married man or whether his future wife will become bitter and resentful, it will certainly be interesting to see how that one pans out.

Twice in a day!

So,,,,,,,, some update on the whole Climber Dude situation. Which I kind of want some feedback about.

Last night I went to the pub with Intellect, Climber Dude and Music Man. We got into a really long conversation about relationships, about age gaps, about things in common, about opposites attract.

It was a really good conversation as it was a great way of trying to figure the mystery of Climber Dude out. I was never really into Climber Dude, but the situation with us was always a bit odd.

Now, I found out some interesting things about Climber Dude last night.

He calls himself a Christian, apparently he attends church when and as he can, which means when he's not working (cos he does shift work) and when he's not climbing mountains he goes, he's never mentioned this before so I'm unsure how serious he is and whether he's one of those fundametalists but still he tries to get to church when he can - his mum is a Christian.

I think I 'should' be surprised by this but it kind of explains a lot, like why he's so unsure about hanging out with me, or like why he hasn't made any kind of a move, as when we were discussing stuff he said that it's really important to him that if he were in a relationship with someone, they'd need to have the same beliefs as him because in the longrun he thinks it would fall apart if not. Which I actually thought was fair enough and I also didn't feel like he'd previously rejected me purposely now, and maybe some of the harsh things he's said to me in the past is more because he doesn't agree with how I choose to live my life. I dunno it's just the picture becomes a lot clearer knowing that.

However, then he went on to make this statement.

"A third of your life you spend working, a third of your life you spend sleeping, so the other third of your life you're likely to spend with your partner doing things you enjoy that's why I think it's vital that when you meet someone before getting in a relationship you should make sure you have lots in common"

I kind of felt that Climber Dude had completely limited his options by making that statement. For these main reasons.

I think that when you start out in a relationship it doesn't necessarily matter if you don't have a lot in common, but as you choose to commit to that person and as you choose to love that person, what they enjoy doing, you enjoy doing mainly because you enjoy time with them and it isn't hard unless of course you have fears of the things they enjoy or no desire whatsoever to do them.

Then it made me think a lot about how different me and Climber Dude are.

Climber Dude Enjoys Climbing - walls, mountains, cliffs, ladders, buildings, bridges, if it's high he'll climb it. I'm terrified of heights. Even climbing up a mountain no matter how great the view is at the top doesn't appeal to me. I'd much rather get the cable car and even then I'd be vomiting out of fear.

Climber Dude has a belief in God, and although I believe that there must be some kind of higher power, I'm unsure whetherI believe in the same God Climber Dude believes in.

Climber Dude likes to travel but when he travels he always includes extreme sports whether that be skiing, or climbing mountains, or ski diving, or kite flying whatever, he has to have some high adren thing to do. I love to travel but I'd much rather see the sights, hang on the beach, eat interesting foods, read a book and combine seeing as much as I can see with a bit of chill time.

Anyway, my point is we were always too different to work and I see that.

However, I also think that can you limit yourself too much. For instance Climber Dude wants someone with the same beliefs as him (which I understand) but he also wants someone who would enjoy doing the same as him, who's life purpose matches his life purpose - I mean who the heck knows their life purpose? I don't have a clue what mine is and I don't fret about it, anyway back to the point. Why can't a guy go climb a wall with guys, why a girl goes and gets a pampering with the ladies and then do something they both enjoy another time. Why is it so important to have so much in common?

Can relationships work with having very little in common?

Discuss.

He's annoying me now.

Flatmate again seems to have not taken too kindly to me rejecting him. He’s not handling it will and I don’t know why.

After he called the other night I toyed with myself about whether I should re-save his number to my phone, considering I previously deleted. I kept looking in the missed call section thinking “should I save or should I delete”. I deleted it and I was so proud of myself.

Then today I come into work and when I logged on to msn he started chatting to me straight away..

Flatmate: Hi, how are you?

Gretta: I’m good, really busy with work though so can’t chat

Flatmate: You always used to be able to chat at work, you used to multitask.

Gretta: I know. However, I’m now choosing to make work my main focus and I’ve got to get on.

Flatmate: So, in other words you don’t want to talk to me?

Gretta: Read in to it what you want but right now I need to work.

He then logged off, clearly probably cranky.

I am enjoying being in control, but I am actually beginning to have every fantasy of me and Flatmate destroyed, the more needy he is the more weak he appears to me. He’s no longer that cocky, unavailable guy that pursued me, he’s now a guy that needs me to the point where it’s giving me the heebeegeebees.

And I'm feeling gooooooood

I went round a mates house last night, about 10 of us all together, and we ordered a shed load of chinese and then just mixed and matched.... Mmmmmmm MMmmmm chinese food is soooooo good... Ok all food is soooooooo good.

Anyhow, I left my mobile phone at home by accident. Turns out that was a really wise plan, when I got in I had a missed call from Flatmate - He'd left me a voice mail

"Gretta? Where are you? I'm outside"

I laughed so hard when I got in and heard it. I just think he sound desperate. He then came online this morning and said "I popped by yours last night" to which I replied "I was out. Look work is hectic I really can't chat"

Oh my gosh does it feel good to be in control for once. He just doesn't even seem attractive anymore.

p.s Scotty it's sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo good to have you back *swings feet in Scotty's direction* foot rub please ;)

36 years...

My parents celebrated their 36 year wedding anniversary today! That's a bloody long time - I think they deserve an award.

They've been a great example of what love should be and maybe because of them I set my sights far too high. I still see that as a good thing.

Compromise

Sacrifice

Caring

and

Sharing

36 years later and they're still doing all of the above and very much so in love. Cute.

Time will tell

I find myself at work writing this, my boss is sat opposite me so ssshhhhhhhhh because I’m suppose to be working because I’m completely snowed under but I was in need of a break.

2 nights ago I had a dream about an old friend, we will call him the insect.

Ok so truth be told the insect and I were what I thought more than just friends. We basically dated for quite some time on and off back a few years ago. Yet, nothing actually happened between us as in we didn’t get particularly physical, we flirted lots, had lots of play fights, even kissed a little but other than that nothing and soon enough things just fizzled out. Ok so we didn’t really fizzle out now I’m going to be honest, I asked him whether this was something that could turn into a relationship or whether it was just fun. You should have seen his face as soon as I mentioned the word relationship. It was like I’d doomed it by using that word. It’s a word that means long term, a word that means commitment, a word that has hard work attached to it. It’s a word that I’m afraid of myself so why I even said it to him is something that I find hard to believe now.

I guess because I was comfortable with this guy and we were spending heaps of time together, he had prospects, he made me laugh, we enjoyed each others company, he hadn’t jumped straight into my bed, he’d taken the time to get to know me and it felt real, it felt like a relationship. However, what I’ve learnt since this time is that girls should really never bring up whether it’s a relationship or not. If a guy wants you and him to have a relationship, if he’s scared some other guy will snap you up, trust me he’s going to make sure he gets you in a relationship with him and by the female asking the male the question it takes away something from the male, I’m not sure what it takes away, whether it be the chase that they so wanted, whether it be a bit of their pride, whether it be just that by you suggesting it, it puts the wind up them, but there is something guys don’t like about a girl bringing up exactly how serious or whether the friendship is or might be going. When I asked the insect that question he backed away a mile.

Anyway, back to my dream, in my dream I could smell this guys skin, it was so bizarre I woke up and his scent was up my nose. I missed his smell it was really odd and I found myself missing him. So, I just emailed him to say hi this morning. I haven’t spoken to him since December and that was just because we wished each other a happy Christmas. He’s into rugby and so am I so. I asked him how he was enjoying the world cup and he replied – saying that he’s really loving the world cup and we have to catch up soon. It’s odd, I have an odd feeling about this, like if I wanted to I could pick things up again, as if we’ve not spent anytime apart. I feel excited, yet also a bit weirded out by it all. Anyway, I guess I’ll see if he does pursue this catch up or whether he’s just being polite. Time will tell.

Thoughts of a confused, lonely, frustrated, little mind.

Flatmate turned up earlier this evening.

I asked him to leave.

He left without a fight.

I feel surprisingly good about this, I feel in control, I feel a little insecure, but my security wasn't in Flatmate anyway.

Had a looooooooooonngggg chat to Jerk Boy on the phone - he's stressed, he works way too much, much more than me.

Today was hard at work though, I was oh so busy and my colleague was pissing me right off, which she does far too often. The boss was into which only increased my already over flowing work load. Tomorrow looks set to be busy too - could do with a foot rub, oh God foot rub would be great right now.

I'm frustrated with work too, I don't seem to be going anywhere fast, the boss seems to busy to progress me forward, I know that doesn't make sense but work where I work and it will. I've started filling in an application form for a new job, a job that I probably don't have enough experience for, a job I'll probably be well out of my depth in, but I'm still going to go for it regardless - need a change.

Things seem to always change and I always seem to stay the same. I hate that.