A little wry smile!

To follow on from the last post I did ask CD and he does want to get married one day he just wants to do some travel next year and doesn't seem to think it important before going, he assumes I'll be going too but for some reason I'm just not so sure at the moment whether I'll go or not. We'll see I guess, I don't feel unsure or insecure though, I'm pretty convinced I've got CD pretty much where I want him after this weekend.

CDs mother has always been a bit of a difficult one for me, CD loves her dearly, respects her in such a way that as a gf you fear you'll never quite get there. He's her youngest son, and you can understand the whole mummy's boy thing and actually I understand why he respects her soo much, she works dog hard, she looks after her sick husband (CD's dad), she's always polite. Yet I've noticed over the last few times we've met up with his folks, he's been a lot more attentive towards me giving the impression taht I'm just as important to him.

The bit I struggle with is that his mum doesn't smile very much so you don't feel particularly welcomed into her home or family, and she is always so bloody serious, too serious, and sometimes she makes comments that maybe I just read too much into.

You see I always feel that when shetalks about other people she's discreetly trying to make a point. For instance CD's brother wont visit his mum and dad without his GF and why forever not they've been together for 5 years, they live together, they're practically married and it's almost a certainty that she will be the mother of her first grandchildren. However on one of my first meeting with CD's mum, when as you can imagine I'd be extremely nervous, trying my utmost to make a good impression she makes a comment about how she doesn't seem to see her oldest son very often and how would I be if CD wanted to visit without me?

I just said that as long as CD has good balance in all his relationships I have no problem with him spending time away from me, we're not joined at the hip, he goes away mountaineering for weeks without me, I deal with it and in fact I embrace the times we're not together hanging out with my girlfriends. However, when I said to CD next time he was planning on visiting them I'd let him go on his own, he kicked up a fuss wanting me with him and I don't think he's going to want to go without me now. So I went and as I'll do anything for CD I'll continue to go if he wants me to.

This weekend we were at a family wedding the otherside of the country, for CD and his mum makes this comment about one of the couples saying they don't need to show there love by physical contact you can just see it and she thinks it's really nice. CD and I aren't particularly touchy feely but so what if we were, we're young and in love, anyway maybe she was just observing, she also could have been getting at CD's bro and his GF and she might not have been getting at us but I really felt she was. So when we slow danced at the end of the wedding I made sure we were very touchy feely. I don't know why I feel the need to stake a claim on CD when his mum's around but for some odd reason I view his mum as my toughest competition, the only plus side is I know I'm winning.

The fact of the matter is it's not that I dislike her, in fact I completely understand why CD loves and respects her so much, she's a really good and lovely lady and CD is a wonderful man so you know his mum has imputted into the man that he is today and I love her and respect her for that. It's just that she gives me the impression she dislikes me through lack of smiling and the odd comments she makes and I wish I didn't and I don't know why it happens but it just makes me get this little rebellious competitive streak whereby I want CDs attention when she's around and I know exactly the right buttons to push to get that attention and unfortunately it's buttons that a man's mother will never be able to find or push, and that's why currently I'm safe in the knowledge that if she is trying to upset or test or put the feelers out on our relationship or if she does want us to act and be different to who we are she doesn't have the power because truth of the matter is neither CD or I will let her have it, and CD isn't even aware of it in the same way I am.

In other news, I saw a cactus plant with the most vicious looking spikes on it and the plant was called "mother in laws cushion" I couldn't help but have a little wry smile.

Unsure & Insecure....

Dreams.

So, last night CD told me that he was still dreaming about doing some travelling. He happened to mention that he was considering 6mths travelling next year. So I asked him what the meant for our relationship to which he said "well you'll be coming with me".

This took my by surprise, I know last time round I was all up for going with him, I know I was and as a response to his statement of "well you'll be coming with me" I kind of though "well yes I suppose I will" but since that conversation of last night, I've just began to get really insecure.

Now call me a girl all you like but I have a dream, and my dream is to fall in love, get married, do some travel with my husband before having children.

For me to admit that is quite hard, I don't often let people see that, I mean I'm Gretta the play girl, I'm not Gretta the settling down type or at least I wasn't or at least I didn't want people to see that I was. As I started to fall in love with CD I started to imagine those things, the getting married, our children, I allowed myself to dream that dream because that dream for the first time in my life began to seem a little more reachable.

So now I'm thinking it's not that I don't want to travel it's just I'd rather do it when I'm married. Why it even matters is beyond me but marriage will just bring a little more security. I don't know why I think that. However, with me beginning to think about my dream I've started to question whether CD is in love with me and this is bad because at the moment I'm not convinced he does.

He's never told me he loves me, but in his defence he acts like he does, I see him looking at me in what I cna only describe as admoration, I see him reaching for me when I'm sad or upset, I know in all I do he's supportive and only wants the best for me. I know he cares, I'd even go as far to say he probably loves me I'm just not sure if he's in love with me.

I've never received a bunch of flowers from a man... Never! CD knows this, he knows it's somethign I've wanted, and yet after 8mths he still hasn't sent me any flowers, I know it's such a little thing, but for me it's an important thing it says I love you without saying I love you. And CD hasn't done it. So he hasn't said it nor has he sent it but sometimes he does show it.

So what it boils down to is this conversation of yesterday has led me to question our relationship. If he isn't in love with me after 8mths, is he capable of falling in love with me? He says he sees a future with me, so when he says that it makes me think he is capable but I'm wondering how far off in the future this might be. Because I was kind of thinking in January we'd have been together for a year, we'd then be thinking about getting engaged and then possibly married, and he's been thinking next year we're gona go traveling for 6 months, marriage doesn't even seem to be on his mind.

So his dream is to travel the world and my dream is for him to love me and marry me. I'm beginning to think that my dream might not be a priority for him. I guess to know for sure I need to approach the subject, but I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to. How do you say to a guy you were hoping to marry him before traveling without him getting completely freaked and running a mile, how do you ask someone if they love you without risking the answer might be no, how do you tell someone you are in love with them knowing that by doing so it could be the end.

I just guess I thought I knew where we were heading until last night, last night my dream was left feeling once again like an impossible dream.

I hope I haven't just took something perfect and painted it red

This last week has been a bit of a weird week CD and I really haven't spent much time together at all, work has been crazy for both of us, I'd had some night's out with friends pre-planned so while he had 2 nights in this week I had 2 nights out and our time soon disappeared amongst work meeting, night shifts, and other stuff.

There had been something I'd been meaning to talk to him about for a while. You see a few months ago he asked what I wanted to do for my birthday which is this month, he asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend and if I did he'd have to change his shift because he's working that Saturday.

After what happened last year, I'd already come to the conclusion in my head that I didn't want to go away for the weekend with just CD, I wanted have a birthday with friends around me instead, him too but not just him. So I just said I'd like to go for a meal with Best Friend and her hubby. He was a little disappointed a little surprised I saw it on his face but I was budging. You see Gretta, Boyfriends and Birthdays don't mix. The Ex turned up 2 hours late to my 18th birthday party (seems like ages ago now) but that memory still hangs in my mind, my 18th birhtday when you expect your boyfriend, the love of your life at the time to spoil you rotten, was 2 hours late for my party - not just 10 minutes late 2 hours. Everyone was asking me where he was? why he wasn't there? and when I called him to find out his phone was off. It was just awful and when he finally turned up there was no surprise for me just him and a present. Lets just say it was a memorable birthday but for all the wrong reasons.

The Ex and I broke up when I was 21, I was left devasted and had practically 5 years of singledom before deciding it was time for me to try a relationship again with CD. Ok so I had a fling with Flatmate, and got it on with a few guys along the way, I'm not saying I didn't but you know serious, it's time for Gretta to grow up now relationship was with CD. So to have what happened last year on my birthday weekend happen, shocked me, I thought our relationship was in a good place but that weekend I sensed there was a problem, I paid my half for the weekend away and I had specifically asked for a cd as my present but figured in my mind maybe he'd surprise me with something else, even if it's just breakfast in bed, a cup of tea in bed, a cuddle in bed... Something. There was no breakfast, no tea, no cuddle and it was clear to me that there was a problem in our relationship and it was my birthday and I was far away from friends and family.

So this year, after all that got sorted out I just decided that no Gretta, Boyfriends and Birthdays don't really mix. The only issue is today I decided to fill CD in on the above I told him I felt that I should communicate it with him so he'd understand, that I'm not doing it to disappoint or hurt him. He kind of understood but kind of didn't either. Things were said like

"But Gretta I spent my birthday with just you"

"I guess I thought our relationship was in a better place now and that you'd put the past behind us"

He asked me outright if I was still hanging on to the past, and I said to him in all honesty "I don't think I am not when it comes to our daily relationship, but I just think that when I think about my birthday, I think I had high expectations about feeling loved on it and last year I didn't, and the one thing I know is that my friends have never made me feel unloved on birthday"

I knew my words were hurting him, but he could remember last year too and remembered the hurt I experienced, so I think he's accepted that this year I just want to have a birthday at home with my friends.

I'm not saying I'll never have a birthday alone with CD I'm just saying that this year I want a happy one, and hanging out with my best friend and her hubby and CD will I'm sure make it a happy one.