I've done it again...

JerkBoy came over last night and he made me go on hotornot. The last time I went on hotornot must have been about 4 years ago!!!! Anyway, I always don't really like that site so I tend to go for Australian or New Zealand men, knowing one I kind of get the whole Aussie sense of humour and two that it can't be anything serious because of the distance.

Well, this one guy has started talking to me, then he gave me his msn address and we've been talking on msn for over 2 hours, and so far he's wonderful, we've read some of the same books, watched some of the same unique films, we've both traveled a fair bit and have shared some experiences, and he's really chatty.

Then he said "i've just realised how far away England feels right now" and suddenly I realised how far it feels. Why did I chose to click yes on men so far away, because now I've met one that I would actually consider meeting at the cafe down the road to get to know better, apart from down the road happens to be on the otherside of the world.

It's like Teddy all over again - why do I do it???

Today...

.. I deleted a couple of albums off of Facebook that had CD and I together in. You may ask why did it take so long for me to this. Truth is, they've not bothered me at all, and they still don't not really sure why I deleted them. I was just looking through my photos and thought actually I have no need or want to remember that moment. Before I knew it I'd hit the delete button and it was gone.



It doesn't feel odd, the only thing that feels odd is if CD notices that the pics he was once tagged in have now been deleted, eradicated from his profile too. This might make him think I'm bitter (which I'm not), that I don't want him as a friend (which actually I think I do) or that I'm not over him (and I really think I'm over him). So, this is the problem with deleting when it's not necessarily necessary.



Anyhow, I have a stinking cold today and I'm off sick. It's not good at all. I'm hoping one bed day will enable me to face and embrace work tomorrow. Ok less of the embrace!

The Teddy that makes me go "awwwwwwwwwwwwww"

And just when I think we’ve lost contact, once again, for I don’t know how long and I resign myself to the fact I probably wont hear from him for a few weeks, months, years.. Who knows....

I get a text that says... “Gretta... Guess where I am?... Cairns”

Which is the place we met exactly 3 years ago today and the small grin on my face widens by at least 5 inches.

fading away

Things with CD and I are still strained. I wonder if they'll ever return to some sort of normality now. I know time is a good healer, but I'm just unsure what it's suppose to heal. I feel ok, but when we're in the same place there is nothing to say. Nothing!

Anyway, I've let my thoughts be clouded with Bouncer, even though he lives far away. I don't know why I've let him occupy my mind, it's as if my mind has needed something and it turns out that he is what it needs.

JerkBoy has been his usual great self but I am just very aware of how much I shouldn't rely on him.

I don't really understand what I feel at the moment, and as Christmas gets closer, Gretta seems to be getting more distant, to everything and everybody and I have no idea why!

One giant leap?

I organised a Sunday lunch with the gang for today, so yesterday I took a huge step for me and contacted CD to invite him. He's still part of the group, we've managed to avoid each other quite well for the last 6 weeks. So, I though I'd let him know that I don't mind if he comes. He thanked me for the invite but said he was working.

I did good right. It felt like a kind of mini breakthrough for me.

Anyway, in other news when I was off sick the other week I contacted Bouncer... You remember Bouncer. Read here if you don't (there is also a little bit about CD in this post too).

Anyway, he didn't reply to my email, and began to think 'great' I look so stupid, he know CD and I have broken up, I'm not back in touch with him, he's gona think I'm desperate. Anyway, I'd resigned myself to the fact that I would no longer be contacting Bouncer, there's always been something slightly odd about our friendship. Then low and behold, I get an email from him, with lots of questions for me, not a closed email, so considering he made me wait, I am not going to make him wait before my response.

In many ways over the last 2 days I feel as if I have gained some sort of control back over my life. It feels good.

The moment that was...

It was a beautiful summer's night, there was a slight coolness in the air because the sky was so clear. The stars were shining and the moon was bright. We ran down to the beach together, hand in hand, gripped tight, not wanting the moment to pass. We led on the empty beach, there was no-one else on the beach bar us, at that moment in time all we needed was each other, the togetherness. I led my head on his stomach and he let his hands glide tenderly through my hair, we gazed at the stars. Beauty beyond belief. We, then took our shoes off and paddled in the water that was sparkling in moonlight, we laughed, we splashed, we danced in the shallow water, we were completely and utterly punchdrunk in the moment.

The moment that was!

Trust your heart.

Scotty's been writing some fabulous blogs of late.

Teaching us all to trust our hearts.. I just wish I knew what my heart was telling me. I feel so unsure of my future at the moment. I just want to love and be loved in return. Why is that so hard for someone like me?

This is my life!!!

I went back to work yesterday, and I'm at work now and I am very happy to be here and very happy to be out of the house. I then went to that catholic choir thing last night that Jerk Boy got me going to and has since dropped out of leaving me going alone.. It's still really hard but for some odd reason it's turned into a bit of a goal of mine I quite like the sound of "yes I sang in my city's cathedral".

I bumped into a friend of CD's yesterday (a married guy who he goes climbing with) as well who said this to me...

"Gretta, I'm glad I saw you, me (and my wife) both are very sad to not have you coming round anymore, I feel like we were just getting to know you and we were enjoying your company. I know these things happen but I did want to tell you that I'm kind of sad" I replied saying "actually to be honest I've been missing chatting with you guys too" it felt like the polite thing to say, the right thing to say, I didn't have any expectation by saying that, it just felt like I should respond in someway. He then said "we'll try and get you round for a meal" - now I didn't know what to say so I smiled and said "that would be nice"

Do you know what, his words were incredibly sweet. He is actually the only one of CD's friends I really truly liked. I liked his wife but she was a bit of a feminist and it kind of freaked me out at times, but he made a real effort to get to know me, when I did all the walking stuff he's the one that slowed down and walked with me asking genuine questions, wanting to find out who I was. I knew he liked who I was, I knew he'd figured out that I am someone who puts one front and to really get to know me takes time and relationship - how do I know that because I saw a lot of me in him.

The only issue was the end of that conversation.. He is CDs friend, not my friend and although he said he'll invite me round for a meal, it felt like he felt obliged to say that, and can you imagine how awkward it would be if they did invite me round - after always going round with CD. I really hope they don't ask, because if they do, I think I'll end up saying yes, and putting myself in the most awkward situation I could ever find myself in.....