The aftermath.
He didn't email me back but he was online this morning and we had a really good chat. It was really good.
He told me that he knew I'd be back in contact with him, he even said he didn't bother blocking me on msn because he knew I'd unblock him. I didn't tell him that I actually deleted him. He told me that he can't ever give me what I want and the he fears I am too attached. He said he was getting used to the idea of not talking to me but in saying that he said he did think about me a lot over the last few weeks we haven't chatted and he missed me but he can't give me what I want.
I asked him where we go from here baring in mind that I know how attached I've become nad how hard it is for me. He said he hates me hurting about it all but wants us to be friends and wants me to stop running (this isn't the first time I've blocked him and tried to delete him from my life). He lives in a different city, not too far away but I've actually never been to his place, he always comes to mine when he wants me and as he has Gifty I've always accepted that. I said to him if I were to turn up on your doorstep what would you do, if I said I've quit my job I want to live in your city and I want this to work? he said he didn't know what he'd do. I then said I'm not gona do that I just wanted to see you reaction and he said well I'm glad you're not gona do that.
It kind of says it all. He said to me he doesn't want me to hurt and he wants to remain my friend but he can never give me what I want. What I want is me and him and he can't give me that. I guess I've always known he's unwilling to give up Gifty. It's just funny that when this all started he would have been more than willing to give her up. I clearly left things too long. Then again him and Gifty were having issues when we first met.
Anyway, you're all gona think I am crazy for this but I've told him I am happy to remain friends with him and that I am gona try and de-tach myself from him. I told him it was his fault because I actually don't allow myself to get too close to people and when we first met I was reluctant to even have a friendship with him and he broke me down, he really tried hard to get my guards to fall and guess what eventually he suceeded and maybe I am "too" attached but I'm not the only one responsible for that because he gave me reason to believe he wanted me too. I told him that I feel closer to him than I do to anyone and that is purely because he made me open up to him. I wish someone single would do the same as what he did but I think the only reason I let him open me up was because he was in a relationship I felt safe with him.
Anyway, he'll never give me what I want but I am gona remain friends with him but I am also gona not be so attached at least that's the plan. Ok you can all tell me I am doing the wrong thing now but I tell you what he's never tried to control me and he's never made mean comments about my chocolate consumption. I told him about what Climber Dude said to me and he said that he sounds like a twat and he wants me to be happy.
So yeah I know I shouldn't hold on, and I am gona try and let go but boy do I just need someone to come and hold me close to them right now.
posted by Gretta James at 3:37 AM
8 Comments:
Whatever makes you feel wanted and loved is a good thing, and he is obviously important to you...just be careful not to fall hard for this guy as you already know he won't leave his girl for you...do what makes you happy but be careful not to get hurt.
Gretta, my heart aches reading this entry of yours because it reminds me so much of my own cursed love life... I don't want to blog about my special someone because he reads my blog, but I guess it's safe to type it here...
My special someone says these to me:
- Hates to hurt me, but wants to be friends and see me happy
- Can't give me what I want -- time (just meeting twice a week!) and a little attention
- I should move on without him
- I should let go
When I met him, just like Flatmate, he had a gf and they both had problems (the worst thing is, I knew his gf. The world is REALLY small.). I thought it'd be safe to befriend him because I was in a relationship (a painful and rocky one) at that time. Eventually he broke up with his gf and I broke up with my bf -- nothing to do with me or him because both of our individual relationships were already dying then.
I didn't want to start a relationship with him initially because I was worried I'd be hurting him. Ironic thing is, the only person hurting now is me...
Just like FlatMate, he took my guards down, tore down my defenses and reassured me with his actions that he'd have time for me. He even kept telling me that relationship is harder than working because both have to work on it constantly. Alas, he couldn't practise what he preached.
I still miss him, Gretta. I've stopped calling him entirely after he said I was irritating him, simply because he really hurt and shocked me with those words.
I think about him constantly, but what can I do? I cannot clap with one hand. When he doesn't see or hear from me, he tells me that he misses me. What the hell does he want? I do not tell him anymore that I love him or miss him and I've blocked him in both my yahoo and msn. I'm taking his advice and moving on without him.
You can do it, too, Gretta. It's very tough, but you have to love yourself more and stop allowing yourself to be hurt by others.
Gretta, I am still friends with the boy who broke heart a few months ago. It was too hard to let him go. He said some the same things to me that Flatmate said to you. Do they teach guys to say these things in school? Anyway, I'll just tell that it is hard, but I wouldn't have it any other way.
I'm with you Gretta. Sounds like we both have a hard time snipping that line to those boys we care about. You do what you need to do lovely. You know your own heart.
"I've always known he's unwilling to give up Gifty"
You said it Gretta... sometimes a good one just happens. And if your heart isn't open to notice this next 'good one', you might just pass him by.
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tb: I think I already fell pretty hard for this guy. However, I am slowly trying to get up.
Venge: your situation is so similar to mine and I feel for you because I know how bad it hurts. I'll try and respect myself more. We will get thru this girl.
Beth: what an example you are being friends with the guy who broke your heart i really hope I can still be friends with Flatmate. I think guys just know all the right things to say it's like drummed into the at birth like make-up and hair straighteners are drummed into girls.
Betty: We're survivors I know it.
Scotty: you may not know this but you're my blog rock I always look forward to reading your wise words. Keep giving them to me you don't know how much effect they really do have.
You're all the best x
It might be a biased opinion, but it would seem to me that showing up on your doorstep for a quick snog in the middle of the night is controlling to me. I think the guy is just stringing you along because he knows you still feel for him. Why would he leave Gifty? He's obviously got a gal that will stick with him thick or thin and that allows him to play out his other options (that would be you) when he wants. I don't know if you've really got much to salvage here...
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