Post op blues!

Intellect was moving into her flat last night I wanted to help but everyone thought it wasn't wise after the op.

So, first off

Climber Dude: Gretta "SHOULD" you be helping Intellect move?

Gretta: I wana help

Climber Dude: But "SHOULD" you be?

______

Mum: I don't think you should help Intellect move

Gretta: Mum, Climber Dude has already pulled me up on this, I wont lift anything heavy and even if I want to Climber Dude is helping too and I don't think he's gona let me.

Mum: Have I mentioned I like Climber Dude *wink*

_____

Intellect: Don't lift the whole chair just carry the cushion

_____

Intellect's friend: Don't lift the book case just take the shelf

____

I've never felt so completely useless and molly cuddled in my whole entire life!

Can't get no love without sacrifice.

Trying to put my feelings into words is probably one of the hardest things I seek to do. Often I come out with embarrassing things because I've begun to get flustered when trying to explain feelings.

Now I want to put feelings into words and I don't know where to start.

When I first met Climber Dude, I was attracted to him I thought he had amazing arms, a great arse, fantastic blue eyes, although it has to be said he's not your bog standard good looker. He's short, when I wear heals we're practically the same height and I'm only 5foot5. His face isn't particularly attractive bar when he smiles it lights up. Looks wise he isn't the sort of guy I usually go for but like I said, arms, arse and eyes - yep they're hot.

I met him first off a few years back, at the time I was hung up on Jerk Boy and if I am to be honest the whole English rugby squad could have been stood in front of me with tight white boxers on and I still wouldn't have looked because at the moment in time Jerk Boy was the guy for me. I have no idea why now! Climber Dude showed a little interest back then but he knew he couldn't get close because of Jerk Boy, and it didn't matter becasue he kept going off climbing mountains in Europe and all over the place.

I struggle letting people close to me. Flatmate used to jibe me a lot about the guards I had up around my heart he used to try his hardest to make me let them down, he used to always try and make me talk about personal stuff because in his words I never let him past surface level.

Even though Flatmate was the biggest tosser going I did take in a lot he said.

When Climber Dude first started asking me to hang out with him 2 months ago, I was a little sceptical, I didn't think we'd get on, I thought he'd bore me, I thought he'd expect me to open up to him and I wasn't sure I could and I just thought we'd hang out, I'd hate it, he'd hate it and that would be it. Not once did I ever imagine that I'd start to enjoy spending time with him, not once did I think I'd open up to him without being scared, truth is I've told Climber Dude about the time I was physically abused, I've told him all about the good bits and bad bits of my relationship with my parents and what it was like growing up with a dad who was so much of a workaholic that we never saw him and how I had to instigate and make the effort to build a relationship with my dad because he seemed not to care either way, I've told him exactly what my operation was for, and how much pain I've been in and what implications it might have on the future.

He's opened up to me to, telling me how his dad is suffering from cancer and how his mum doesn't get on with his brother's girlfriend and how although he lives 100miles away from his parents how he has a great relationship with both of them.

Truth is, I never thought I'd get this close to Climber Dude, and I never thought I'd enjoy spending time with his and I never thought I'd get feelings for him.

Last night at bowling he was getting on really well with a girl I've spoken about in the past, a girl called Ditzy (name self explainitory). I found myself getting REALLY jealous, I wanted his attention I certainly didn't want her getting it, I started comparing myself to her, she's thinner than me, but she doesn't seem to wear clothes that flatter her figure and sometimes I find myself wanted to dress her, but I couldn't help being curious as to whether he would be interested in someone like Ditzy. Ditzy is a friend but more often than not I find myself getting increasingly irritated by her, and now if I start getting jealousy zaps every time they chat I just don't know if I can handle it.

The worst thing is when I get my head in a good place and I try to think rationally about it all, I do end up thinking that although Climber Dude is a good friend and altho I really enjoy spending time with him and even though I've managed to let my guards down and open up to him in away I wouldn't let myself with Flatmate, we are 2 VERY different people and I'm not sure we're compatible and I'm not really sure why I enjoy spending time with him, nor why I'm jealous.

I hate feelings, not only can I not control them, they never make much sense, and putting them into words is darn hard. Ahh well, one day a time and see where it leads or where it doesn't.

Bit behind today!

I practically live online.

Last night Climber Dude was telling me I should get a laptop so I could chat to him online from my bed therefore not having to turn my desktop off and go to my bedroom, work wants me to have one but I've managed to avoid having one. For this reason, I am online enough of the time without having a laptop, I would be online constantly if I had one. I somehow think my boss is getting a bit arsey as when I do minutes at meetings I always nick his laptop and then he huffs and puffs at my extraordinary typing speed!

So, anyway to get to the point I was shocked when I realised it took over 24 hours before I checked the blogs. Even Betty had 9 comments before I got to her, that's craziness! I'm disappointed in myself but as a defence I've been a bit sick lately and since getting back to work things have been HECTIC to say the least.

We have our company monthly newsletter to go to print today and I had so many gaps that I had to chase all departments to fill it and in the end I had to fill half of the gaps myself with total blags - possibly the most shit company newsletter published but ahhh well it's off to the printers tomorrow so hopefully I may get a lunch break that would be nice.

Anyway, in other news I'm going bowling with a heap of friends tonight and Climber Dude is gona be there, so is Jerk Boy but it should be a good night!!!! Have yourselves a good one.

Gretta x

Sometimes it's hard to be a woman.

Oh man!

I dunno what to do, I hear you Scotty but I'm just not convinced. He's not making excuses like he's busy, he instigates spending time with me - it's not just me, he really is putting the effort in but when I try to take things slightly further he shuts down! But tht doesn't stop him cos sure enough the next day he's back in touch! I can't figure him out at all and it's very frustrating. Betty I think I want more than just the physical with this guy so in a sense if anything physical is gona happen then I'm good for it to go slowly, just want some kind of physical touch liek the holding of hands or the linking of arms are something just so I know I'm wanted! I'm not convinced Climber Dude isn't interested I'm just not.

In other news I've figured out something about guys and girls tonight.

Girls are always about 5 steps a head of guys, so when guys think

"We're just watching a film and hanging out"

girls are thinking

"We're watching a film, we're hanging out, I wonder what his parents will think of me? Ohh I wonder what his surname will sound like with my first name? oh won't it be strange having to sign a document with a different surname, oh what would the wedding be like? I wonder how many kids he wants? I wonder what they'll look like? ohhh we could go on holiday to the south of france and drink wine, now that would be fun"

Please understand that sometimes it's just hard being a woman.

Unlike any other!

I've been chatting to Climber Dude on and off on msn all day!

We do get on well you know, it's strange.

However, during chatting he told me he is thinking of moving to North Wales. You see it's really mountainy there and to be honest Climber Dude isn't a city boy at all, he's totally out of his depth living in a city! However, I am totally a city girl, even though I appreciate the countryside, I appreciate it because I don't go there often and when I do go there it's new and exciting.

If I were to ever live in the country it would be when I had children because that way I'd have something to keep me busy but seriously, all those farmer types, and horse riders, and that smelly (apparently fresh) air, can wait until I'm older, while I'm young I'm enjoying the city!

We're so similar in so many ways, and so different in so many ways - and maybe that's why he's been holding back. Who knows! He's a strange boy, unlike any other I think and he intrigues me.

We've booked the popart thing in for Saturday afternoon, but I think I'd like to spend time with him before so I may invite him over to watch a dvd with me tomorrow evening but am unsure about that - I don't want to always instigate things if you know what I mean.

Uggghhhh Men!

Can someone please explain what the deal is?

Here's the more lengthy update of the past few days.

I was online on Wednesday early afternoon and Climber Dude comes online, we chat for a bit and it turns out he's on a late shift! I tell him if he wants to pop over for a cuppa before going to work then he can.

He turns up but when he's here he suggests watching a movie as he has time. So, we watch a movie together. He doesn't try anything and neither do I.

My mum and dad decide to pop over to check on me, my mum tried checking on me a few days earlier and I'd gone into work for a few hours and she wasn't happy with me, sometimes I feel like they treat me like a kid. Anyway Climber Dude just hits it off straight away with my parents so much so that I know my mum is going to give me the third degree about him "gretta he's a nice boy" blah blah blah.

Anyway, so it was a really nice afternoon and he goes off to work.

On Thursday, he calls me (knowing that I'm still of sick).

Climber Dude: What are you up to today?

Gretta: Nothing

Climber Dude: can I come over and watch another DVD with you

Gretta: Sure.

So, he comes over we watch another DVD, then we decide to go to a restaurant for dinner, then he invites himself back to mine to watch another DVD. By this time there was definite flirting by him and I thought I'd offer him a massage. He declined!!!!!!!!!! I felt like a right idiot, we were flirting, I was sure something was going to happen, my massages are amazing Jerk Boy tells me so, and he turns it down. After all that why? why? why?

I think I can safely say no guy has ever flirted with me so much so not to follow something through and once again nothing happened between me and Climber Dude and I'm left feeling silly. I told Best Friend about it (we sorted all that gooseberry single stuff out too) and she was like

Best Friend: Gretta!!! I can't believe you offered him a massage.

Gretta: Well, if I thought for one second he'd decline I wouldn't have offered.

Best Friend: You're hilarious, you should just relax and let what happens and happens.

I know she's right, I'm just cringing about it all now, I don't think anyone has ever declined one of my massages and in that moment I definitely wasn't expecting him too haha, I just find it too funny talk about embarrassing yourself. Anyway, he's gone away with a mate this weekend to climb a mountain in Wales somewhere. So, at least it gives me time to not feel like such a fool.

Last night I went round a friends house and Jerk Boy was there and Jerk Boy gave me the most amazing head massage I've ever had. He's not so good at the shoulders but the head, oh he was good at the head. And that's another thing, the more Climber Dude confuses me the more I seek attention from Jerk Boy! I just can't win.

back at work and loving it

Oh man... Guys the last few days I have so much to fill you in on with the Climber Dude front but the thing is I'm now back at work today and I am soooo busy you have no clue. I can't even fathom that I've managed to find the time to write this - the boss man is sat opposite me while I'm doing this.

Anyhow - this is a convo I had....

Gretta: Hey co-worker do me a favour?

Co-worker: What?

Gretta: Go and urinate for me I'm caught up in what I'm doing and I don't want to stop.

Co-worker: Um... NO!

Gretta: It's such an inconvenience sometimes.... Having a bladder that is.

And there it was, like a slap in the face.

For 3 years running at Easter a group of us have gone away together. This group has always contained 5 core people with added extra's each year - you'll probably remember last year I was stressing about Jerk Boy coming as it was his first time.

The Core 5. Are: me, Best Friend, Best Friend's now hubby (who started out on the first year as friend, on the second year as boyfriend, the third year as fiance and now they're married) and another married couple we're friends with. So that was the core 5. However, the first year one of the married couple's brother came and also another guy who was friends with that brother.

The year later one of my girlfriends came along and one of Best Friend's hubby's friends came along (if you search "brain" in this blog you'll probably find him as he had a thing for me).

Last year Jerk Boy and Intellect joined the core 5 and they'd both not been before.

So, to get to the point, we started trying to plan this year. Then the original married couple had to drop out due to work commitments, Jerk Boy can't come coz he has exams to do for work, Intellect can't come coz she's just got herself a flat and is now broke, sothe core 5 had now become the core 3.

Now, I'm pretty used to travelling alone - I don't particularly enjoy travelling alone as I'd much rather do it with people but as a single person I take pride in the fact that I've never NEEDED to be with people constantly and actually I REALLY am quite capable of surviving alone.

I also hang out with couples quite often and as a single person I can see how it's difficult at times but I think that it's only difficult when the couples make it difficult by saying silly things about your singleness or purposely acting like they're not in love because there is a single person in their midst. I've never had an issue with being a gooseberry because lets face it, I've now not been in a serious relationship (that I've been able to share with my friends) for 5 years. So, being single for 5 years means you get to hang around couples a fair bit.

Last night I got a phone call from Best Friend. Best Friend and I - our friendship has changed over the last few years, she's the one I did a lot of travel with when I was younger, she's the one I used to go clubbing with, she's the one I used to stalk the handsome boys with, you know she's best friend. However, now she's married that stuff has stopped understandably but she's still best friend.

So, she calls and she says "Married Couple have dropped out, Intellect has dropped out, Jerk Boy can't come so it would end up being just me, you and hubby going on our easter holiday, so it's probably best we don't go coz you don't want to hang out with just me and hubby"

at the time my response was "ahh ok find we'll give it a miss"

After thinking about it, I suddenly felt SINGLE, EXTREMELY SINGLE. If I had a man in my life I'm convinced that would have been a different conversation. I actually wouldn't have a problem going away with Best Friend and Hubby. I'm quite happy hanging out with them here why would it be different away for a week and I also enjoy my own time and I wouldn't be with them the whole time because I'd be off doing things I'd want to do. So suddenly there it was, like a slap in the face, my being single has made my friends not want to go on holiday with me.

In the pub tonight I went out with Best Friend and the girl from married couple (This blog is difficult to follow I'm so proud of you if you've made it this far) and this conversation happened.

Best Friend: so we could always go on our easter holiday a different week, so married couple can come too as it wont clash with work stuff.

Gretta: It would still be a bit odd for me to come though

Best Friend: why would it?

Gretta: Well, I'd still be with 2 couples.

Best Friend: I thought you'd be happier with 2 couples

Married person: Gretta, you've never had an issue hanging out with me and hubby when it's just been the 3 of us, this isn't like you!! What's made you think this way?

Gretta: Ok, truth is, I'm sorry Best Friend but what you said on the phone the other night made my singleness an issue. You'd see I'd not have a problem going away with just you and hubby, you guys are my friends and ok you're married friends but I'd do my own thing alot of the time anyway, so I came away feeling that me being single was an issue, but not an issue for me but an issue for you.

Best Friend: I'm sorry I didn't realise you felt that way, I thought you wouldn't want to go away with me and hubby alone, I thought I was doing you a favour.

Gretta: I know thats why you did it and I know you didn't mean any harm by it but I just came away feeling like you guys thought I'd be a gooseberry, and whether I go away with 1 couple or 2 couples, I guess I figure I'd still be thought of as the gooseberry.

Anyway, she was really apologetic and I probably will go away with the 2 couples some time after easter. The thing is I totally understand where she was coming from, but where she was coming from made my singleness an issue and to me it isn't! The thing is, I could be single for a heck of a lot longer yet so I'm glad it's all out in the open, I'm just now feeling like I've probably made best friend feel bad, but that wasn't what I wanted to do, it was just it's not like me to be bothered about hanging out with couples or going away with couples, but for some reason it was a problem but not for me!!!

I dunno, I just guess as people grow up things change, part of me wishes I do have a bloke in my life so it would be 6 couples going away, the other part of me thinks why the crap should it matter.

Does this post make sense to anyone, can anyone relate to how I'm feeling or am I alone on this?

I'm just not good.

I popped into work for a few hours today. I know I'm so bad apparently if I go in when I've got an official note from the doctor, then I'm not covered by insurance! I don't really give a crap, day time tv has done me in, a part from I'm a celeb of course which is just too darn funny!.

No news from Jerk Boy

No news from Climber Dude

No news from Flatmate

No news from Tan.

Crap there isn't one bit of man in my life.

I'm probably going to hit the town Saturday night. Well, I say hit the town but I'm still 'suppose' to be in recovery so hitting the town means I will drive, I wont drink and I'll be home by 10.30pm. In fact I'm beginning to think I'll have more fun at home with a bottle of wine and Scotty... Scotty you coming over Saturday night?

ok guys

after you all saying I don't appear on google reader and I know how God damn annoying that would be I've taken off my security. I've told Jerk Boy there is no way he can find me coz I've secured my blog! However, if I get scared I will revert back to my old ways but for now - have a happy google reader :)

There's something I've not told you guys

Before I went into hospital I spoke to Flatmate online, I wanted to talk to him before going into hospital and it was the first time we'd chatted in ages. I guess I shouldn't have and I know all of my interaction seems to be online these days, I really should get out more!

Anyway, we talked for quite a while and he told me that he thought that I was trouble, he thought that if it hadn't been for me he wouldn't have cheated on Gifty. I told him that I thought that wasn't the truth at all, that I'd tried many a time to steer him in a different direction. I reminded him how I don't even know where he lives and that if he wanted it he had to come here, I didn't force him to turn up. He asked me if I still think about it and if I really think that it's over between us. I told him that

"I'd like us to be friends, but I think what we did previously was wrong and I don't want us to go back there. I can't say that we never will because if temptation came then it might be a little harder than just saying no but I'd like to think we were strong enough to be able to be mates without ripping each other's clothes off." I then asked if he'd thought about it and he said

"no I've not thought about it. However I do think you're trouble, but I like trouble"

I said goodnight and logged off at this point, for many reasons

1. I didn't appreciate being called trouble.

2. I didn't like where the conversation was going.

3. Something felt wrong

4. I wasn't liking him at that moment in time.

A few days later is when this happened now I look back I feel like maybe some of it slipped out because he's riled me so much that I wanted to be that trouble he'd suggested I was. He wants me to be trouble - I can be trouble, in the same way I can be sweet, I can be innocent and I can be sexy.

That boy, shouldn't underestimate the power he has left in my hands, because I can let Gifty know, through Tan or through other methods I'm sure, exactly what her boyfriend has been up to. Now of course I don't intend to do that but if he wants trouble, he certainly given me the power to be trouble.

Lesson 1. Don't mess with Gretta.

Funniest thing is, I've not heard a peep out of him since that conversation, so maybe he really does only like me when I'm trouble because it seems he can't do "just friends" with me!

Setting it up

I was online chatting to Climber Dude last night reminding him of the time he offered to do pop art Gretta - remember this post? This now brings me to realise that this Climber Dude Saga has been going on since July and NOTHING has happened! I need to accept that, but I'm just not willing to right now.

So, last night I was online chatting to climber dude

Gretta: Oh remember the pop art thing, when are we gona ever get round to doing that?

Climber Dude: Maybe we should do it this week!! Oh no, next week will be better my Flatmate is on holiday next week and you can come over and no one will think we're weird. Plus I'll make you dinner or something.

Gretta: ok cool next week it is then.

Ok now start betting is it going to happen or isn't it going to happen? What are the odds? I reckon there will be a phone call at some point with a plan change.

If it does happen though, I plan on wearing a sexy number, doing my hair and make-up all over the top pretty, locking eye contact with Climber Dude and really seeing if that will kick start things. If that doesn't work, then I will accept it. No really, I will accept it.

girly girly.

Jerk Boy popped in tonight to watch "I'm a Celebrity get me out of here" those none UK views, you guys have to google this, basically minor (no one anyone knows) celebrities, go into the Aussie Bush and have to survive and they get given these scary trials to do to get food. It's totally crap but totally addictable and Jerk Boy and I tend to get sucked in to every reality tv show going.

Anyhow, he was telling me about this girl he likes, a new one, well a new old one. He used to like her a while back, she turned him down and now he's after her again, and on paper she gives him the impression she's interested but in real life he doesn't think she is. I just think she wants him to like her but doesn't actually want him.

He's a bit of a smooth operator though, like he text her saying "so what have you been up to today, other than looking pretty that is?"

That's kind of cute if you don't take it in a patronising way! Half of me wants this girl to like him, coz I know he always seems to come back to her, a few months will go by and he'll not talk about her and then suddenly she's back in the picture. I've never met this girl and I think it's probably a good thing that I've not.

My recovery is going ok, I popped into work on Friday for an hour, can't believe I have another week signed off. I am still a bit sore but it's nothing I can't handle. I could really do with a cuddle though, in fact really really could do with a cuddle.

I wish Teddy was here. He gives great cuddles!

Getting them out (again). Sorry if they're getting boring.

Betty hun, I'm not half as toned as you and as I'm laid up at the moment unable to exercise my flabbiness and wobbily bits really aren't worth displaying.

However, we all know I'm not ashamed of my 2 assetts, and Betty this pic, this pic is ESPECIALLY for you...

Enjoy.

While out walking

Even though I don't like being cold, I don't like what the static in brisk air does to my hair, even though I know that winter is on the way and it's only going to get colder and I don't like being cold....

There is something I find completely adorable about autumn...

See, I'm in awe, totally adorable.

It seems....

.... That I'm not just craving man after Betty's last post, she looked so darn hot.

skin on skin

So tonight Jerk Boy came round. He didn't bring fried chicken but it was great to have some company.

For some reason I started to give him a massage I don't even recall why now, oh yeah I do he was showing me something in a magazine he read and he was sat in front of me and it was the perfect massage position.

Everyone says I am great at massages. Have you ever seen that friends episode where monica massages chandler and chandler hates it. Well, people generally love mine.

I slowly started carressing Jerk Boys shoulders and running my hands up his back (his t-shirt on btw). He went quiet, this was a good sign I knew he was enjoy in it, I started to circle my thumbs around his shoulder blades "that's ooohhh so good" he'd say every now and again, I let the skin on fingers rub up and down the skin on his neck, I could feel myself getting hotter and hotter and hornier and hornier. I pulled away "hey why did you stop that was sooooo good" he asked "aahhhh my thumbs are aching" I lied in reply. My thumbs weren't aching but my loins were throbbing, and truth is I wanted to kiss his neck, letting my soft lips do their work, I wanted to feel a mans touch so badly that it didn't matter who the man was, why can something as simple as a massage make me want a man so bad - I'm not even into Jerk Boy.

This is just not good, it's been toooooooo long.

If you didn't know already

Jerk Boy is my best man friend in the whole wide world, and ok our friendship may intimidate others. But he's still the bestest in the whole wide world and here's another reason why...

Text conversation:

Gretta: So how's your project going, you said you'd visit me if you weren't too busy and this girl is soooooooo bored!!!

Jerk Boy: Oh Gretta I'm pretty busy, I'll visit if I have time

Gretta: Ok well if you do visit can you pick me up some fried chicken, for some odd reason I'm having an urge.

Jerk Boy: ROFLMAO ..... Ok.

He never did show up with fried chicken :( but still I reckon he nearly pee'd his pants in the middle of the office when he read that last text, and that thought entertained me far more than Jerk Boy ever could.

Content in bordom

At first I was in pain and needed to sleep. Then I was not in as much pain and was bored out of my brain. Now I'm still in pain but glad to not be at work and getting used to the bordom. I'm kind of enjoying being at home away from all the hussle and bussle.

Jerk Boy said he may visit me today.

I chatted to Climber Dude briefly online last night but yeah still the same we're just friends.

What I could really do with is one heck of a stud muffin to walk right in and give me a snog, that would just turn me on though and right now I don't think I'm gona be able to get down and dirty! DARN IT.

Me and my big mouth.

You know I said an old friend was online! Well that old friend is a friend of Flatmate's and I may have made a bit of a cock up when talking to him. I've spoken about him before and I can't remember what nickname I gave him. Hmmm let me just go rewind and see if I can dig out the post. Ok here is the post, I named him Tan. So, it was Tan who appeared online this morning and I had a voice convo with. Tan is friend's of Flatmate. I've always been pretty sure that Tan thought there was something a bit strange about mine and Flatmate's friendship and today online he was asking so many questions that I might have given a bit away, now I'm freaking out that he'll go back and tell Flatmate what I said!!!!

Tan: So do you still chat to Flatmate?

Gretta: Not half as much as I used to!

Tan: Why's that?

Gretta: I dunno really, maybe I just thought he shouldn't be chatting to me so much having a girlfriend and all.

Tan: Him and Gifty are still pretty strong you know but saying that I just think Flatmate can't stand the thought of being alone. Gifty does my head in, but they seem to be spending more time together lately because I popped over his place yesterday and she was there too and she's been there the last few times I've dropped in which isn't usual.

Gretta: Ahhh right well he used to moan a bit to me about how unhappy he was in that relationship and I told him he had 2 choices that he either had to end things, or he had to make the most of the choice he's made to be with her and to stop moaning and enjoy it.

Tan: You said that to him?

Gretta: Yeah I did

Tan: And you don't spend time with him anymore becuase you think he should be spending that time with Gifty?

Gretta: *changes subject* So, tell me about the new love in your life, I've heard on the grapevine ok via facebook that you're no longer single.

Thankfully Tan loves chatting about himself and he didn't notice my purposeful changing the subject trick, however, from all of his questions he was asking I could so tell he knew that something might have happened between Flatmate and I - Anyway it turns out Tan met a girl at a recent wedding he went to and they're now officially an item, they live about an hour away from each other but they see one another a few times a week and it's going really well! This is good he tried it on with me once and I turned him down because Flatmate would go mad, I remember Flatmate told me about a dream he had had once where he walked in and I was in bed with Tan, Tan's a bit up himself at times though so I used that to reassure Flatmate that wouldn't happen. Funny how I was turning guys down when Flatmate was in a full on relationship - man I was fool back then.

Trouble is if Tan goes and tells Flatmate what I've said about being too close considering he has a girlfriend, I'm gona be in the shit - I can imagine Flatmate blowing his top at me. Really why should I even care? he's the one that cheated not me but I do care, I actually want things to work out with him and Gifty now, I don't want to mess things up for him, and I don't want to hurt him either, in someways I still miss him, I miss the way he "seemed" to care so much for me and right now I want hime to be happy, it was just Tan was asking sooo many questions - I don't want these questions and answers to drag up the past and put fear in Flatmate's mind - we were both in the wrong back then, but it's in the past, I jsut wish I'd handled the conversation better!!

thoughts in a female mind

No one loves me anymore, no one seems to comment on my blog! I guess this should give me an inkling that I should stop blogging. I'm not going to because this blog has never been a place where I wanted to please others, where I wanted my writing genius to be displayed. When I started this blog, it was a blog that my everyday friends wouldn't read, a blog where I can be completely honest about my thoughts, feelings and emotions and through this blog over the years other bloggers have come and gone, and just because I only have one faithful reader Betty my gorgeous opposite side of the world blogging sister, means that I will keep on blogging just for that 1 person. Plus you're so much like me that I can't help but love you and I don't feel so alone in my somewhat teenage but in my twenties angst if that makes any sense at all.

So, Betty you will be pleased to know that I to have come to the same conclusion about Climber Dude. He's been great while I've been ill, he came and visited me in hospital, he's come and visited me at home, he's offered to carry me if I need to go out somewhere and he's been pretty lovely. On the opposite side though, he doesn't try to flirt with me and even if I try to flirt with him he somehow dismisses it and then goes all serious. I've come to the conclusion we're just friends.

Jerk Boy think we look good when we're together but doesn't think that Climber Dude gets my unique sense of humour, and at first I didn't understand what Jerk Boy meant but over these last few days I've become to realise Jerk Boy does have a point, and as a crush goes, I don't even really have a crush on Climber Dude. I mean when I was seeing Flatmate if my phone went off I'd be so excited thinking it was a text from him, or I'd rush home to be online at the same time as him and if I knew he was visiting I'd do my hair and make up all nice, but with Climber Dude, I just can't be arsed. There's something that doesn't feel right about it.

Anyway, an old friend has just appeared online and we're gona have voice convo...

Betty it is so good to have you back

p.s I'm feeling a lot more comfortable today! Yey

Ranting about daytime tv.

It's been a tough few days in recovery. I haven't left the house since Thursday afternoon, so there isn't much to tell you bar the fact that day time tv is SHITE people. Ever heard of Ray Winston? This is him he has a new film coming out called Wolf. I know this because at the moment he's been on literally every day time tv show on. I didn't even know he existed until Friday morning, now I'd rather still like to not know that he exists.

Anyway, Climber Dude came round to visit me yesterday (I look shockingly pale at the momnet) he popped in before his late shift started at work, and it was nice of him to drop in but there was no zing between us or chemistry of any kind, it kind of just felt like my granddad was visiting. He only stayed for about 30mins too so it was a bit odd, I can't work him out and I think I'm gona give up trying.

I'm bored already, I logged on to my work email this morning and emailed a few people but still bored as hell.

I'm again feeling the discomfort in sitting at a comp so I'll update you soon, I feel a heap better so that's good.

Gretta

I hate hospitals!

I'm out of hospital yey....

I'm in pain boooo...

It's not as intense pain as I thought it would be yey....

There's blood booo....

My mum's looking after me and I had lamb chops for dinner with roast potatoes yey..

My mum's looking after me and already nagging me boo..

However, Climber Dude works in the hospital where I was and even tho I didn't tell him what I was in for I did say if he wanted to visit during his shift he could. So, he came and sat with me during his lunch hour, he's on a late shift tomorrow too so said he might come round for lunch before he goes to work - that's positive hey!

Now I need to get off of the computer chair and go to bed - I'm not comfortable folks.

Gretta.

Poke!

Flatmate has been poking me on facebook! I poked him back and then realised he hasn’t actually been on facebook for AGES and was probably returning a poke of mine from when we were seeing each other, so as that one goes we now seem to hava gotten into a poking frenzy. If he sends my poke back I probably wont poke him again.

And that’s all I have to say on the matter.

She's ranting again/

Last night at the gym the dude was giving us this full on induction. SERIOUSLY!!! I don't need a full on induction I've been to the gym loads of times, and truth is giving me the rower, the treadmill and the bike and I don't need nothing else, I hate all the muscle work. I hate it. My arms are so weak and I know I should work on them because of that very fact but actually I hate it. So, I played up the gym instructor something rotten, I acted the weak, helpless girl and whereby my 2 other girlfriends had to have heavier weights everytime it go to my turn he'd move the weight to the easiest one. I knew I could do heavier, my friends knew I could do heavier but really I wasn't in the mood I hate weights let me at the rowing machine already.

I don't think the gym instructor was too impressed with me, but I wasn't impressed with him either, he was the weediest gym instructor I'd ever come across and he looked like a baby and I couldn't hear a word he said.

I don't even know if I can be bothered to go tonight, oh and this gym is so scabby compared to the gyms I'm used too. It's got like rust running down the walls, I know - I'm a snob but seriously nastiest gym I've ever been in.

Nuff said.

In other news

I chatted to Jerk Boy last night about toning things down a bit - I told him about Climber Dude. He said that he thinks we've toned it down a lot already and we're not half as bad as we used to be, he also said that he doesn't see me and Climber Dude working out. He just thinks I'm looking because there's no one else around. He told me that if I want to try out single guys in our group of friends then I should try out MusicMan because we'd make a much more compatible couple, but you see MusicMan openly likes a different girl in our group of friends! I'm not even interested in MusicMan and he happens to be Climber Dude's closest mate. Anyway, JerkBoy doesn't think me and Climber Dude are right for each other so what the heck does that mean?!?!

GET OUT OF MY FACE.

This morning I was happily getting on with my work, when out of the blue FLATMATE started chatting to me on msn!!!!! I haven’t seen him on msn for weeks, in fact I was convinced he’d blocked me and I’d decided it was for the best.

Now this is the bit that you guys are going to be proud of me for. I told him I was too busy to chat. He said ok. AND THAT WAS IT. It felt so good being the one putting a stop to the conversation, I haven’t thought about him much of late and truth is I’d rather him not have even come online, I’ve got nothing to say to him.

However, I didn’t even lie, usually I can juggle a few things at once, like doing the finance, while chatting to 2 people on msn, while listening to my boss give me a to do list for the day, while answering my phone and emails all at the same time (just call me superwoman!)

It’s so been busy because I’m trying to cram 5 days worth of work into 3 days…. I’m feeling all a bit apprehensive about my operation on Thursday, I can’t go into details, it’s nothing critical and it’s only a day case so thankfully I don’t have to be in hospital overnight but it will be very painful and it’s just not going to be particularly nice for me, I think I’ll be all a bit teary and oooookkky, my mum is coming over on Friday to look after me, she’s more likely going to drive me mad, anyway back to the point.

Today, when he started chatting to me I was already juggling 3 things at once and one of those things was a very complicated staff rota/shift pattern and I needed all the concentration I could muster. If I wasn’t doing that would I have still said I was too busy to talk? I actually don’t know but it doesn’t matter.

If I had chatted to him, would he have hit on me? would he have turned up randomly at my place tonight? would he be flirtatious? would he say Gifty is annoying him? My guess is, the cheating tossbag totally would say all of those things. I’m getting wise to that sucker.

I still haven’t chatted to Jerk Boy about our friendship and how it needs to change I keep seeing him around work and I just can’t seem to build up the courage to have the conversation I don’t even know where to start. Our friendship has been intense since 2005, so to try and de-tensify it is going to be hard, really hard. Oh and I’m still no clearer where I stand with Climber Dude, will he just make a move already!

Fireworks and not just literally!

Last night at the fireworks party, things seems a bit different between Climber Dude and myself! As we were walking back from watching the fireworks he hung back a bit and we walked together while a crown of friends were in front and a crowd behind. We chatted about his plans next year and it turns out he's not completely set and he seemed to be almost asking me to tell him not to go, not that there is any chance I'll do that in the end I just said you ahve to weigh up everything and then ultimately you've got to make a decision.

When we got back to The Ex's I sat on the couch and Jerk Boy came and sat next to me. When Climber Dude walked in the room he requested that Jerk Boy move up so he could have the spot next to me. Jerk Boy refused to move. Climber Dude asked him again, and again Jerk Boy refused to move. This was slightly embarrassing I wanted to sit by Climber Dude I wanted Jerk Boy to move, but some testosterone enduced pride was going on here, it was like battle of the boys and in the end Climber Dude was the one to back down and sit over the other side of the room. I felt for both of them and didn't really know what to do. I think Jerk Boy is feeling a little threatened by Climber Dude and I think Climber Dude isn't happy about how close me and Jerk Boy are.

Intellect dropped me home later that evening and she pointed out that she had noticed what had happened and she kind of gave me a bit of an honest talking too.

"Gretta, you flirt with Jerk Boy, you have a very close friendship, yet you say you want to get to know Climber Dude better. Climber Dude is going to be cautious to get to know you better because of how close you and Jerk Boy are. I don't know what he would have made of Jerk Boy not moving up so he could sit down, but I know what I made of it, and Jerk Boy is protective of you. Friendships change over time, and if you and Jerk Boy want to have relationships with other people then your friendship with each other has to change, it will cause too many problems in the long run".

I got out of the car feeling well and trully like a bit of a flirtatious cow. I didn't even realise I'd been flirting with Jerk Boy, it's just the way we are, and I've always thought that if I got into a relationship then whoever I was in a relationship with would have to accept me and Jerk Boy but after a sleepless night pondering it all - I realise that Intellect was once again living up to her name. If I ever want to be in a serious, LASTING relationship with anyone, then my flirtatious friendship with Jerk Boy has too change because it isn't right. The only issue is, it's all me and Jerk Boy have ever known and changing it now, is going to be extremely difficult.

Jerk Boy is one of the most supportive friends in my life, but with him getting friendly with Pretty Girl and me and Climber Dude getting closer, I have to back away, from one of my closest friends and you know what - It's not going to be easy at all. Wish me luck, I think I'm going to need it, I'm actually going to talk all this through with Jerk Boy. I really don't want to :(

Working it through!

I spoke to Climber Dude this morning, he rang apologising for his no show!!!! What happened to busy on the computer looking up where to go next year. He wants to go and study but you'd never guess where.... ONLY NEW ZEALAND. Even worse still though is that he wants to go for a year. Even though Gretta has got her prowling hat on for some reason I think I'm gona have to take it off, I don't think anything can happen...

Lets do the pros and cons.

Pro

1. He lives in my city (the first for such a long time)

2. He's got great arms and ass

3. He's pushy (a pro because so am I and I need someone who can give as good as they get)

4. He's got a good job and is ok with money

5. I enjoy spending time with him (that I didn't think I would)

6. I think I'm getting feelings for him

Cons

1. He claims to be a Christian (although I haven't yet had proof of this and this is only a con if it gets in the way which i think it may)

2. He's going away probably to new zealand and for a year

3. He's started flirting with me but he's not made a move

4. He doesn't always do what he says he's going to (like he told me he was coming last night).

5. He enjoys climbing walls, mountains and everythign and i think he wants a girl to do that with him/

6. I think I'm getting feelings for him.

Anyway, I think I need to steer clear. However we're both going to the same firework party tonight, and it's a possibility he's going to be at my friends house tomorrow night when I visit them, so maybe this steering clear thing needs to start next week. It should be easier as I plan on hitting the gym, Mon, Tues, Wed then I go into hospital on Thursday and will be recoving Friday and all weekend so, yep avoid avoid avoid from Monday!

Done.

Confused!

Climber Dude was a no show!!!! Interesting.

Goooooey inside!

Where to start…

Yey Climber Dude is coming to watch High School Musical. He’s going to absolutely hate it, I’m going to giggle a lot at that. I know it’s not just me and him as Best Friend, Best Friend’s hubby and Intellect but I’m still quietly excited about seeing him. I feel like a teenager with a crush it’s ridiculous.

I’m not the only person acting like a teenager with a crush though! JERK BOY – oh my goodness. Him and Pretty Girl are not an item but really should be. They are a little full on but it’s also a bit cute, I think they may even get together, but seeing professional Jerk Boy act like a teenage boy in work is just a bit funny, he acts like it out of work but in work is just a bit funny.

The good thing about this Climber Dude crush is that I haven't thought too much about Teddy much. As for Flatmate, he hasn't randomly turned up (that I know of) nor has he been on msn. I think, it's most definitely done and it's like a weight off of my shoulders.

Scotty and CS I still fancy the pants off both of you too ;)

Gretta x

Take my hand and I'll take you there.

Climber Dude and I were flirting on msn last night. I mean properly flirting like little teenage school kids, it was yet innocent but very very cute.

He asks me what I'm up to Friday night and I say I am going to Best Friend's place to watch High School musical 2 with her and her hubby. Side Note: GRETTA loves musicals, anyway tey come, whether it be cheesy, heart renching, violent, whatever, Gretta loves musicals and didn't want to miss out on High School Musical 2.

I know Climber Dude is going to absolutely HATE the film but I've invited him along anyway, I also plan to entice him with a take away curry haha.