Happy 2009 one and all....

I'm looking forward to 2009 that's for sure.

I'm not necessarily looking forward to the party I'm going to tonight.... I'm thinking.... CARNAGE!!!!

without you to hold :(

My laptop has gone into repair, which means... I have to work off the slowest desktop in the world or at least that's how it feels right about now.

CD and I have been chatting far too much on msn, far too much. And the Ex invited loads of us round the other night and I went and army hunk was there, it was the first time I'd seen him since that night. The night that led CD to tell me that he felt too strongly for me to want to ever have to see me with someone else, and it wasn't jealous but a deep planted feeling that felt as if he'd had a knife put through his heart and turned. WHAT A LOAD OF SHIT THAT ALL TURNED OUT TO BE!!!!

But yes I went to the exs and realised I was sat in a room with far too many people that I'd either slept with or had some sort of snog fest with. The room for me was full of rejection, the reminder that for some reason Gretta just can't hold down a relationship. So what did I do? I got pissed.

CD then came across as very judgemental yesterday, he pointed out that I had got wasted. I wasn't wasted. I was tipsy I told him, I think I was more than tipsy but I wasn't wasted. Like I could walk almost straight and I managed to get the key in my house door absolutely fine and I struggle doing that when sober. So definitely wasn't wasted. He can go judge someone else I don't give a stink what he thinks.

Only.. I think I kind of do! I still miss his friendship, I still care a great deal for him. He bought me a Christmas present I was shocked he didn't buy me one last year and last year he was pursuing me. I had to figure out what calibre of present it was. He's bought me a book about something personal I shared with him when we were together, so thought definitely went into it. I spoke to Best Friend asking what I should do and she advised me a no thought present would be the best way forward. So I bought him a box of chocolates. He's gona know it was a no thought present but at least it's a present.

Oh and Army Hunk, was a right pain in the ass all night at The Exs place. He was the biggest nerd ever, can't believe I didn't notice previously, but previously I actually was wasted. He text me as soon as i left asking if I wanted to go for a drink sometime. I decided that I couldn't even respond to that text.

Jerkboy has met a girl, that he likes, I'm pretty sure she's interested in him too. I really hope it works for him I do, but without JerkBoy being JerkBoy, I know this Christmas is going to be just a little bit lonely for me. It's my favourite time of year, but for the last 5 I've been single and for some bizarre reason I was looking forward to sharing Christmas with CD this year, I was in an actualy relationship and not some fling for the first time in ages and what happened it fell apart. Typical...

But on a lighter note.... I get to go away in the first week of January and I'll be meeting lots of new folk. And that I look forward too!!! Roll on 2009.

If I don't blog again before Christmas...

Have a happy Christmas and rocking 2009

Love you all

Gretta...

sick (again!)

I am sick again... I officially hate winter... I must catch every bug that does the rounds.

I'm not the only one who is sick. CD is sick too!!!!

Both being sick at the same time probably hasn't been good for us, it's meant that we've both been bored and on msn loads. I've not seen him in person but we've got into some fairly deep converstions online, and today, we chatted for hours on end, it was kind of like old times and that's not necessarily good for us.

I feel like he's done that man thing anyway, coz he logged off without saying goodbye so I think he recognised we got close and now he's backed off, which is fine by me. I kind of wish we hadn't got close.

I also seem to have Bouncer on my mind, I know he doesn't live in this city, I know he takes ages to reply to my emails but there is something niggling me about him, I can't seem to shake him from my mind. I have been invited to his brother's wedding, which is in Scotland in July and I know it's ages away, but Bouncer will be bestman and there and I just want to build some sort of friendship with him before then. I just think we've always got on and although the last time I saw him I was with CD, he was still lovely to me, and the fact is I am not with CD now... I just need to get his attention somehow - I'm just not sure how!

One day..

Last night I sang in the cathedral with that choir I joined, the one that JerkBoy was suppose to join to but left me on my own. It was cool, it was like a goal achieve. I felt proud of myself. Mum, Dad, Aunty, Aunty's bloke, JerkBoy, Musicman, Married Couple, Intellect and Intellect's bloke, and CD!!!! All came to support me..

Afterwards we went to celebrate my 'holy' acheivement with drinking lots of alcohol. CD had the nerve of talking to my mum, completely bigging up my singing ability and how wonderful I was. It really upset my mum, whether I like it or not the break up with CD did effect me, not necessarily him but that fact we'd started planning a future together and getting to grips with a different future to the one I'd been planning was harder than I thought, my mum has seen the fears, the tears, the hurts, and the strains that has caused, and CD being typically CD really upset her. I guess sometimes it's bad to mix family with friends. She just thought CD was insensitive, inconsiderate, and really thought he would have more sense then to sit down and talk with her for that amount of time. Today I have been really upset because I know how upset my mum was - it's a big silly circle.

And in other news I got a phone call today from Pilot who I hear you say?? Well yes I had the same thought the phone call went a little like this..

Pilot: Hi Gretta, It's Pilot...

Gretta: Who?

Pilot: Pilot

Gretta: Who?

Pilot: Your good friend's brother, you know the one who's appartment you have the keys for to look after the hamster....

ok at this point I should tell you, I've actually only seen Pilot once since the night we got it on, and I was with CD, and he was with his girlfriend so we avoided each other completely that night. Phone call continued...

Gretta: Oh Hi..

Pilot: Hi, I'm in the city and bro says I can stay at his place while I'm here, wondered if I could pick up the keys from you...

Gretta: Ahh right that's cool...

We arrange a time to pick up the keys, he's with his mates, I am with my mates, anyway we chat for a bit and I notice his eye contact is just as good as it's ever been, he's just as handsome as he ever was - if not moreso.. I found myself flirting with him, I found myself wanting him, I found myself remembering he now has a girlfriend and put the conversation dead and walked away.

Sometimes... I astound myself!

The art of flirting.

I've still be chatting to the hotornot guy. And through chatting to him I have realised something. That it has been a looooooooooooooonnnngg time since I flirted properly. Yeah me and CD flirted a bit in the relationship but before going out our flirting was minimal, and I guess because we were friends it always was minimal.

However chatting to hotornot guy online has enabled me to be a little flirtatious, and it feels good. Just having that bit of attention, that bit of friendly banter, joking about cuddling on the couch together watching movies and silly dreams that probably wont come to life. Yet just jokingly flirting with each other.

I've missed it. I've missed being able to jokingly flirt with someone. Everything was so serious with me and CD, so so serious always about planning and future, never about enjoying the moments life throws at you.

So, anyway, today I have decided I am going to flirt more, but not just flirt more I am going to chat more with random people I meet. And what a perfect itme to do it.. It's December and for me, it's party time!!!!!