Nothing to say...... When a picture tells the story!

Confused some!

I spoke to Biker yesterday. It felt really weird, strained even but I think it's getting easier. I had weird dreams last night but they weren't Biker related. He was online earlier but I didn't talk to him and he didn't talk to me. He says he wants us to be friends so if that's the case I'mg guessing we will chat online this weekend.

I'm staying at Best Friends adn Hubbys house this weekend to look after their cat. It should be good.

Oh Mr Tall was online today first time in AGGEESS! He's been seeing a girl but it came to an end last weekend. He's heading to the states for a few months from Jan. I joked saying I could take a few weeks holiday and go with him or meet him ot there. He seemed to agree with this and said I'd be more than welcome. So I may just do it. If Biker doesn't want me at least Mr Tall will look after me a bit. Mr Tall - what a joke. He's so non committal it's amazing and yet he's the one who wants to hang out with me and Biker who seemed committed doesn't.

Life gets so damn confusing sometimes

Is he thinking of me?

Last night I woke up in the middle of the night at about 3.30am. I knew there was something missing and then I remembered that it was Biker.

He's not online again. It's been 2 whole days and he hasn't readded me to facebook. My insecurities are overwhelming me.

One day we're having cybersex the next it's all over and at a time when I've never felt closer to him. He must be missing me to, he can't not be we've been talking daily since January and now he's just gone.

The more I htink about it, the more odd it seems.

Men. I don't know why I keep picking the shitty ones.

Just Friends

Biker and I are going to see how we do with being "just" friends and we're going to be limiting the amount of time we spend talking.

I re-added him on facebook but he hasn't accepted me.

It's been 24 hours since we last speak and I'm an insecure mess. Has he met someone? is this why he's suddenly wanting things to change. Why doesn't he want me to go out there and see if this could be something.

Why have I come to the place where I'm willing to take risks for this guy and why won't he let me?

My head is full of questions. But the one thing I know is how I'm feeling and that's like I've lost something that I really should have realised sooner that I wouldn't want to lose this. I don't want to lose this. And I think I've left it too late.

Story of my life

I've been utterly miserable.

Utterly.

I can't bare the thought of being apart from biker.

I skyped him this morning and suggested going NZ for 2 weeks before the end of the year and then if we got on applying for a work visa to move out for a year.

Now he's full of excuses. I'm not ready for a relationship, I shouldn't leave my family, I don't want to lose the friendship but we've been too intense for too long.

Hang about - he's been the intense one. And now I get serious he runs.

He said "Gretta what's changed? it was always you that was aware of the distance, always you trying to slow things down always you preventing us from getting too close and now you want to come out here..How long have you been thinking this way? What changed? "

Well I guess I let Biker in. I guess that's what changed. And not only that but the thought of not talking to him is making me so darn miserable. He says he missed me this weekend were we didn't speak to talk things through but he still wants things to change between us he wnats us to be friends and no more because we're holding each other back.

Fine. Whatever. He's not even good looking, not my type, and if he was here in reality I'd probably have avoided him but online I've gotten to know someone I would have avoided in reality and I liked him, he was sweet, he had a big heart and he showed me that some men are decent. Until now, now he's rejecting me, he says he's doing it for me but once again in the words of Celine Dion

"Are you thinking about YOU or us?"

I'm thinking he's thinking about himself. Men regardless of how nice they are can still be so darn selfish.

BABY think twice

Biker and I have what I call an online "friendship". I met him on a dating website back in January but he lives in New Zealand. We started chatting on skype and got on brilliantly. If only he lived closer! Due to the distance we accepted that we'd only be friends. However, we kind of have been soothing each other's loneliness and I guess maybe we've taken the online friendship into online lovers partaking in cyber sex and emotional closeness. In fact if it wasnt for the fact it was online it would be a realtionship shairing our deepests needs and desires with each other.

This however came to a head this morning. Biker is worried that we're getting in so deep that we'll hold each other back if we do meet someone. He said "Gretta if you met someone now if I were your friend I should be happy for you but to be honest if you met someone now I would be hurt, jealous and devastated". This concerns me because we can't be together.

Truth is I'd been considering a trip to meet him but now as my dad is so poorly and my sister is pregnant its just not the right time. Biker respects that I need to be with my family but because he runs his own small business that's only just getting off the ground he can't afford to take time off. I asked him if we could meet somewhere in the middle for a few weeks just to see if we got on and then to see if it could be more in the future but he really can't take tiem off.

He doesn't think we can continue whatever it is that is between us at risk of either one of us getting hurt.

I think it's too late. I've been listening to TOny Rich nobody knows it but me on repeat, followed by Celine Dion Think Twice. The lyrics to those songs are exactly how I feel. I dont want this to end but Biker doesnt want it to continue.

I deleted him off facebook and blocked him on skype but before the day was out I found myself emailing him telling him this "I'm sad"

He replied saying "I'm sad to but something had to change. I want us to find a compromise so we can still be friends I don't want to lose you completely*

I didn't realise you could get in so deep with someone you've never met, just an online persona but since January I've spoken to him almost daily and the thought of not havingn that hurts like he.ll..

And maybe he has been a cure for loneliness but he's been nothing but lovely in all of his messages and has restored my faith somewhat that there are some decent guys out there who really do want to treat women well.

And yes he's right we can't continue, ultimately we are holding each other back - we're spending so much time online chatting to each other we're not out and about meeting new people, but the thing is. I like chatting to him. Because I like him. I really like him. And now I've lost him, or I've lost whatever it is that we had and that hurts, in fact I feel sick, I've cried and I've drifted off in thought wondering if he's thinking about me and if he's feeling just as hurt as I am.

I'm dying inside and nobody knows it but me

No hangover

Surprisingly.

But. Went to bed at 2am wide awake at 8am.

This can't be good!

A reminder of a life that once was.

I went out tonight.

It was the first time I'd been out on the time since I don't know wheN. It is only 1.30am and I'm at home witing this. That should give you the idea of the night it was. Back in teh day this ayh have beena 4am post.

Hoeber, by typos and spelling erros that i canp be arsed to crrect uught give you an idea of how muc alchole consumed.

The restaurant got the order worng and when I requested to epale ot the manager about this. The mana ger came and spoke to me. I polielt asked for a refun d and the manager said she can'toffer oseme a refun b0t she can offe rmt taleb 4 bottles of free wine and any soft drinks for those drinking sofr dtring. Well as it happens nly 6 people ont eht taleb were drinking wine and 4 people sfot drinks so at a table for 10 we had a LOOOOTO OF WINE.

Im pissed totally. I;ve flallne donw, skagged my tights, bruised my knee. been to wee at eleast 3 imes in the last housr

Ive trued to drink 3 pints of water beofe ogojng to bed ad the room is still fucking spining.

If you undersant this you desrve a medal. Here havew one! *passes reader a medal*

I'm drink.

Pale Prune! SHIT

It's my birthday tomorrow and unfortunately I have the wrinkles to prove it.

This year my forehead got liney. Both my nan and my gran when they were alive were the wrinkliest old women I ever did meet. This I instantly knew was bad news for me. It was as if from the moment I was born I was destined to be wrinkly.

However, I wasn't expecting to have quite the amount of lines that I do on my head before I reach 30. I can't afford botox. I know this because I've looked into the cost of botox because seriously I need botox. These lines serious appeared like no one's business. This time last year not a wrinkle in sight.

I now have to have a hairstyle with a fringe. I can no longer clip my fringe back and put my hair in a ponytail to make my hair last that one last day without a wash. Oh no!!!! Those days are loooong gone.

I find myself looking at other people's foreheads who are my age. Even my older sister has no wrinkles. How did she fucking get away with that she has the same bloody genes. However she started going grey when she was 20 and I'm still yet to find my first grey hair. I'd love to view this as a positive but quite frankly it's all a bit shit. I can afford hair dye.

I figure if I was in my 60s my lines would be warming, sweet, friendly, sexy for a 60 year old even. BUT I haven't even got half way there yet.

Now I realise I'm not just destined to be wrinkly I'm desined to look like a pasty prune.

This my friends is pure fucking agony. You try knowing your destiny is to be a pasty prune and see how you feel.

Happy (no botox and an awful lot of lines) birthday to me.

It hurts

I am so used to guys letting me down to get me to open up and unzip my hurting thoughts seems to be tough feat for the male of the species.

I have online friend. YOu may remember I mentioned him previously a guy called Biker. Although Biker and I aren't in a relationship we've continued chatting. He's single, I'm single and we have this rule that we'll jsut chat to stop the loneliness until one or the other meets someone or gets off their ass and visits.

So, yesterday Biker was online and he was asking me about my dad but I just didn't want to talk to him about my dad. I was at work and at risk of tears if the conversation got deep plus I didn't want to talk about it I wanted him to take my mind off it. When I didn't talk about it he kind of finished the conversation and went to bed. This hurt. I felt rejected because I wouldn't open up.

Today he came online and said he was talking to another friend because she was down and needs a job. I suddenly realised he feels needed when people open up and share with him and I couldn't.

Fucking shit shit fuck!

To say life is just a bit shit at the moment is an understatement. Life is fucking shit and it still doesn't give it the added boost it needs to emphasize my point that life is shit.

My old man is in hospital too poorly to have the op he needs to get better. Yes Shit.

I went out last night and Jerkboy and his girlfriend (who he might propose to shortly) were there and although I like his girlfriend she really is such a princess... Here is some of her facebook status' this week..

"said to Jerkboy, if we should ever have babies I have all the names already picked out, except a middle name for a boy, you can have that one. So he thought about it for a millisecond and said, How about Jerkboy? Haha "

"having yummy cocktails with Jerkboy"

"love is sitting through Rocky Horror without complaining because you know it makes someone else happy :0)"

"My plan for the day off work: watch Bolt, have breakfast, workout, have a bath, get dressed and spend afternoon with Jerkboy. Yeay"!

"wishes it was yesterday again and that I was walking in the sunshine with Jerkboy and having a yummy lunch"

Did I mention I quite like this girl regardless of the fact that she is a facebook drip and I hate facebook drips. Oh and I'm sure every time I opened my mouth last night there was a hint of bitchiness in my tone. I wish I could control that better but I can't. I have no reason to be a bitch to this girl none whats0ever. I don't know what my problem is. Oh yes I do my problem is life is shit at the moment and her facebook comments makes her life sound so fucking perfect.

Telling myself: Every little thing is going to be al-right.

Things are really tough at the moment. My dad is very poorly. He's having a major heart operation this week and to be honest it's not a certainty that he'll make it through.

It's just really hard. I've played it down to most of my friends, shrugging it off in hope that he will make it through. But deep down I know sending a very poorly man for a very major operation has pretty huge risks.

What I really need is for someone to hug me and tell me it's all going to be al-right but I wont allow anyone close enough. So instead I write this because sometimes writing takes one heck of a weight off of these very heavy shoulders.