Bitterness, Twisteness, Long Awaited Freedom? (possibly?)
Sooooo, I’ve been thinking this morning about men and how men respond. Okay, so I’ve mainly been thinking about Flatmate and his actions - because I did a few things wrong during our fling.
When we first met, I was a very strong individual. He had a girlfriend I had no intention of getting involved. Really none whatsoever.
He kept being nice to me, really nice to me and all I did was decide to spend some time chatting with him, at the time I didn’t think this was wrong, but I guess there’s usually a big red danger flag when someone else’s boyfriend is pursuing a friendship with you. Yet I didn’t see that big red flag and convinced myself it was ok as we’re just friends and I have no intention of letting anything happen. So what if he’s never introduced me to his girlfriend or told his girlfriend about me, he is allowed to have female friends.
He continued to be extremely nice to me and then sent me a valentines day message which was really sweet of him, now I shouldn’t have found that sweet I should have found that dick like behaviour, in fact he’d told me that he was a bit of a dick at the beginning of our friendship. Yet I’d not seen that side of him so why should I think he was.
We remained friendly but by the end of February it was clear we had feelings for each other and things got heated and I let my guards down more with him than I had with anyone. If you read back through this blog you’ll find me beating myself up on several occasions because I knew how wrong it was.
Now when we met, him and Gifty were having problems, so I know I wasn’t the cause of their problems but I am pretty certain I didn’t help them. Which again was wrong of me.
Then I went on holiday and he spent the whole time texting me. When I was on holiday I met a guy, this guy completely hit on me I turned him down because I thought Flatmate would be upset – what the heck? He’s the one with a girlfriend and I am worried that if I am with someone else it will upset him. Have I completely lost all self respect? This is also wrong of me!
Our friendship was getting more intense daily until about a month ago where we had a huge deep and meaningful about the fact that he’d stopped telling me when he was with his girlfriend and had actually stopped telling me about their problems. To which I feared him and Gifty were getting on better. When I said to him I need him to be open with me about him and Gifty as it helps me keep my head where it should be, he told me he saw that as me checking up on him and he wasn’t happy to feel like he had to check in with me all the time. We said we’d back off and return to being “Just” friends.. Which we did.
Then why I thought the friendship was going fairly ok with no funny business there was the wanking incident, which was very out of the blue and completely confused me again. We were suppose to be friends? I don’t wank in front of people I view as just my friend.
Then last weekend I missed him I text him, he came over the next day and we spent Saturday morning together and it just felt like old times it felt really good and even though it was wrong of me, it just felt sooo good.
I know I’ve been in the wrong for what I’ve been doing, I know I have but I just ended up liking him, it certainly wasn’t suppose to happen, and although I should have and could have controlled it for some reason it was a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.
I have never been the other lady before, in fact when you read back about my ex you know I’ve been on the receiving end. There is no way I can justify my actions. However, Flatmate showered me with love and attention, in no way was he a bad guy to me. I wasn’t stupid I knew he had a girlfriend but I’ve never received such constant love and attention from a single guy, so I guess I wanted to believe that eventually Flatmate would finish with his girlfriend and be with me. I know I am possibly the most naïve person in this world but I wanted to believe it. So I did.
After Saturday, I kind of assumed that things between me and Flatmate would progress again. I know I am suppose to be getting over him but Saturday felt so good and I wanted to hang on for a little while longer. So, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and I ended up texting him saying “can you come online and chat to me, I just really miss chatting to you and it would be great if you can”
Then I got a text back saying “I can’t tonight”
I guess he may have been with Gifty
So, then yesterday I text him again “are you gona be online today?”
Then I get a text back “nope not today sorry, I will definitely try to get online more”
Shock horror, today and he’s not online. I think that yesterday is the reason I emailed Batman about this Robin Guy. I am pretty sure it was out of spite towards Flatmate.
However, do you know what I realise from all this….
Is that Flatmate wouldn’t rest, he wouldn’t leave me be, he broke me down, he got me to share my deepest thoughts, deepest feelings, even my deepest fears with him and once he got me in a place where I needed him, once he broke me down to my worst state, to a place where I actually had to REQUEST his time. I mean what the fuck sort of level is that??? He then just breezily isn’t available to me at all.
Do you know what I really need to let go of this guy.
I know I’ve done the wrong thing, I know I should never have let myself become weakened by him and let my guards down. I know all that, I always have known that. I just guess that now my belief has also be stripped cruelly away from me too and it really hurts like hell right now.
Why do guys do it, why do they make you believe you’re the one thing that matters to them, why did he ever tell me when he was with his girlfriend he wished she was me? Why did he tell me one day believed he’d marry me? Why say he saw me as wife material moreso than his girlfriend?. Why did he used to completely freak me out with that sort of commitment? why did he make me fall for him just to get up and walk away?
I guess there is one answer because he is that dick he told me he was. I was just to naïve, blind and stupid to see it. I believed what I wanted too, I heard what I wanted to, and I saw what I wanted to, and the things I didn’t want to see I brushed them to one side.
When we first met, I was a very strong individual. He had a girlfriend I had no intention of getting involved. Really none whatsoever.
He kept being nice to me, really nice to me and all I did was decide to spend some time chatting with him, at the time I didn’t think this was wrong, but I guess there’s usually a big red danger flag when someone else’s boyfriend is pursuing a friendship with you. Yet I didn’t see that big red flag and convinced myself it was ok as we’re just friends and I have no intention of letting anything happen. So what if he’s never introduced me to his girlfriend or told his girlfriend about me, he is allowed to have female friends.
He continued to be extremely nice to me and then sent me a valentines day message which was really sweet of him, now I shouldn’t have found that sweet I should have found that dick like behaviour, in fact he’d told me that he was a bit of a dick at the beginning of our friendship. Yet I’d not seen that side of him so why should I think he was.
We remained friendly but by the end of February it was clear we had feelings for each other and things got heated and I let my guards down more with him than I had with anyone. If you read back through this blog you’ll find me beating myself up on several occasions because I knew how wrong it was.
Now when we met, him and Gifty were having problems, so I know I wasn’t the cause of their problems but I am pretty certain I didn’t help them. Which again was wrong of me.
Then I went on holiday and he spent the whole time texting me. When I was on holiday I met a guy, this guy completely hit on me I turned him down because I thought Flatmate would be upset – what the heck? He’s the one with a girlfriend and I am worried that if I am with someone else it will upset him. Have I completely lost all self respect? This is also wrong of me!
Our friendship was getting more intense daily until about a month ago where we had a huge deep and meaningful about the fact that he’d stopped telling me when he was with his girlfriend and had actually stopped telling me about their problems. To which I feared him and Gifty were getting on better. When I said to him I need him to be open with me about him and Gifty as it helps me keep my head where it should be, he told me he saw that as me checking up on him and he wasn’t happy to feel like he had to check in with me all the time. We said we’d back off and return to being “Just” friends.. Which we did.
Then why I thought the friendship was going fairly ok with no funny business there was the wanking incident, which was very out of the blue and completely confused me again. We were suppose to be friends? I don’t wank in front of people I view as just my friend.
Then last weekend I missed him I text him, he came over the next day and we spent Saturday morning together and it just felt like old times it felt really good and even though it was wrong of me, it just felt sooo good.
I know I’ve been in the wrong for what I’ve been doing, I know I have but I just ended up liking him, it certainly wasn’t suppose to happen, and although I should have and could have controlled it for some reason it was a lot harder than I ever imagined it would be.
I have never been the other lady before, in fact when you read back about my ex you know I’ve been on the receiving end. There is no way I can justify my actions. However, Flatmate showered me with love and attention, in no way was he a bad guy to me. I wasn’t stupid I knew he had a girlfriend but I’ve never received such constant love and attention from a single guy, so I guess I wanted to believe that eventually Flatmate would finish with his girlfriend and be with me. I know I am possibly the most naïve person in this world but I wanted to believe it. So I did.
After Saturday, I kind of assumed that things between me and Flatmate would progress again. I know I am suppose to be getting over him but Saturday felt so good and I wanted to hang on for a little while longer. So, I haven’t heard from him since Saturday and I ended up texting him saying “can you come online and chat to me, I just really miss chatting to you and it would be great if you can”
Then I got a text back saying “I can’t tonight”
I guess he may have been with Gifty
So, then yesterday I text him again “are you gona be online today?”
Then I get a text back “nope not today sorry, I will definitely try to get online more”
Shock horror, today and he’s not online. I think that yesterday is the reason I emailed Batman about this Robin Guy. I am pretty sure it was out of spite towards Flatmate.
However, do you know what I realise from all this….
Is that Flatmate wouldn’t rest, he wouldn’t leave me be, he broke me down, he got me to share my deepest thoughts, deepest feelings, even my deepest fears with him and once he got me in a place where I needed him, once he broke me down to my worst state, to a place where I actually had to REQUEST his time. I mean what the fuck sort of level is that??? He then just breezily isn’t available to me at all.
Do you know what I really need to let go of this guy.
I know I’ve done the wrong thing, I know I should never have let myself become weakened by him and let my guards down. I know all that, I always have known that. I just guess that now my belief has also be stripped cruelly away from me too and it really hurts like hell right now.
Why do guys do it, why do they make you believe you’re the one thing that matters to them, why did he ever tell me when he was with his girlfriend he wished she was me? Why did he tell me one day believed he’d marry me? Why say he saw me as wife material moreso than his girlfriend?. Why did he used to completely freak me out with that sort of commitment? why did he make me fall for him just to get up and walk away?
I guess there is one answer because he is that dick he told me he was. I was just to naïve, blind and stupid to see it. I believed what I wanted too, I heard what I wanted to, and I saw what I wanted to, and the things I didn’t want to see I brushed them to one side.
I’m the one to blame in all this, and I’m the one who’s hurting the most, however I also think I’ve had a great escape because at the end of the day. I’m not his girlfriend. Gifty has the privilege and WHAT A FUCKING PRIVILEGE that is… NOT.
_____
p.s Betty I do realise this post is similar to yours - I just guess we're going through very similar situations right now hun xx
posted by Gretta James at 4:56 AM
6 Comments:
He obviously wants the best of both worlds, but you can't let him have that. If he truly means those things he has said in the past...then he should get rid of his girlfriend and be with you. Don't make yourself vulderable to him again...be strong.
Poor Gretta - we have had a bad run girl!
I guess the thing both of us can take away from this is that (hopefully) we won't put ourselves in this situation again. We've learnt something.
Difficult lesson to learn but a valuable one.
And honey I'm with you on the hurt. Be strong, it will pass. And keep that angry coat on!
Sending you lots of love-vibes!
xxx
Welcome to the JOYS of being "the other woman"! As a guy, I can only tell you - without breaking the super-secret code of the vast patriarchal conspiracy - that it's nicer to have a variety of women to pursue and conquer. Which leads to the sad question: Why do you think that you and his girlfriend are the ONLY ones this player is enjoying???
Move on, learn from it, recover your dignity and self-respect.
Best wishes.
I think every experience prepares you for the next.
Always learn from everything and everyone around you. You learn so much about yourself and I hope you did. Might not be the best things but give it time and youll see the silver lining :)
Never stop taking chances, one day it will pay off :)
At the very least you learned from everything. Just remember everything that you have learned about yourself, and those guys that are like this: "he is that dick he told me he was". You deserve better!
Gretta dahling... Guys are like that. They'd say the things we want to hear and sweep us off our feet.
At least FlatMate wasn't married, unlike my asshole and sunnawa bitch of an ex, who lied to me for 2 years plus. I wouldn't have continued the relationship with him if he and his family didn't lie to me about the son going through a divorce, when the divorce papers were never filed to begin with.
Seems like us girls really have lotsa guy issues. Heh.
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