A dream about a brain.

It's been an extremely quiet day at work today and in all honesty I am relishing it. I had a dream last night and where to begin. This dream was about a guy who came on holiday with a group of me and my friends last easter. I hardly spoke to him the whole time we were away. Truth is I didn't know how to strike up a conversation with him because I thought he'd think I was a dumb girl. He is extremely intelligent you see.

He's my friend's school friend and they've remained friends for years. He's not particularly attractive in any way. However, there is something incredibly endearing about him and he had lovely blue eyes and a striking mole that I wanted to gently brush my fingers over. He was pretty much a geek but a geek that gave me a curiousity that I hadn't really experienced before. I think he must have know I was curious because we kept catching each others eyes and he certainly did give me the impression that he was interested in me - isn't it funny that sometimes facial expressions and body language can speak more clearly than words themselves.

When in the airport ready to go home after the holiday; he was getting a different plane to us and as soon as he'd got his plane his friend told me that, he'd asked for him to pass on his card to me, to which my friend then gave me his card with details on. I was stunned by this. Okay, so I had a fair idea he was interested but I was still shocked that he'd actually done something about it. I think the thing that intrigued me more than anything else is why someone of his calibre would be interested in someone of my calibre and I am not saying that out of insecurity but out of being realistic.

At the time I wasn't really sure what to do. I was fully convinced that there was no way in this earth that we would be able to hold down a relationship. Yet at the same time as thinking that I could clearly see that this was a determined man who often gets what he wants in the same way I can be determined. Knowing that I also knew that if we were in a relationship there was a slight chance it may work. Which back then caused me to be terribly afraid.

So, I took his card and contemplated for some time what to do. Then I finally decided that I didn't have the courage to call, after all I hadn't had the courage to strike up a proper conversation the whole week we were away. So instead I decided to email him. He didn't reply. I mentioned to his friend that I'd done that and he hadn't responded and his mate then mentioned it to him (after I specifically asked him not to) and he told his friend that he would reply to my email the following week. He never. And I haven't heard from him since.

This confused me more than I already was. Why give someone your details if you're not going to respond when they do contact you. So I left things.

The other day his mate told me that he'd be in my city in October to visit him. I didn't think anything of it at the time, didn't even really take it in. I'd forgotten all about Mr Brain.

Then this dream last night. It should have scared me. It didn't, even though when I was dreaming it I thought it was the most real thing ever. I dreamt that me and Mr Brain were living together in an appartment and I'd changed jobs and worked a lot from home. I couldn't figure out if in the dream we were married or not but we were happy and stable and I wasn't afraid.

Now I am having lots of ridiculous thoughts. I am even contemplating asking my mate to arrange for us all to meet up for a drink next time he's around. I don't know why I am thinking that. I don't know why I had the dream and I know that was all it was, a dream. I am not sure where my head is at. What I do know is, that dream has been screwing with my head all day and I've felt very vulnerable and extremely bewildered and confused.

Letting it all hang out.

Guess who turned up at the office (again) yesterday. Flaming Climber Dude what's wrong with the dude he doesn't pay me any attention at all after our weird, bizarre, date thing and now he just thinks that he can keep popping in my office like I have no work to do. He irritates me. The worse thing was I'd actually nipped out of the office to go and pick up some refreshements for one of the bosses as they were organising a meeting and while I was out I picked up a few of my own essentials (as I am sure everyone does). I get back to find Climber Dude waiting for me on the sofa in my office. He then says

"Gretta you're not suppose to go shopping in work time"

To which I replied

"I was getting work stuff" *in a foul voice*

I was thinking to myself what the **** are you doing here? I kept ringing my boss attempting to get him to come and sign off some of my work that I'd been pestering him to sign off all day. I thought if the boss was around maybe Climber Dude would make a sharp exit. However, he really wasn't getting the hint and when my boss finally did turn up to sign my work off him and Climber dude completely hit it off, leaving me even more pissed off. Now he's probably thinking he can pop in any frigging time he wants. I don't want him to though, does he think about what I may want? No. What a selfish little git.

This is where the downfall happened though because I was so agitated by Climber Dude turning up. I decided to text Jerk Boy and we got into a flirtatious text conversation. I know I shouldn't have but you don't understand I was annoyed and needed cheering up and at the moment in time the only person I wanted was Jerk Boy. He played along as always and allowed me to enjoy my flirtatious fun.

It sounds silly as you can see me and commitment don't really go together but I am beginning to wish that I did have a stable man in my life a. to get flipping Climber Dude out of my office and life and b. so I would move on from Jerk Boy. Yet this man in my life I have to like him, there has to be a spark or some kind of chemistry and he has to respect me. What am I going on about, this isn't me, this isn't Gretta.

The 4 Ms - M en M ake M e M ad

Climber dude and a friend that we both know came and to see me today in work!!!!!!! Climber dude put me in a position. He asked me in front of the other guy when we were going to go out knowing full well I had my diary on me and also that being the softy I am would no way reject him in front of another. So, I got out my diary and reluctantly surfed through it and said the only evening I had free was a week Thursday. He then said he'd look into it and get back to me. I actually thought that's not too bad, he may end up working or busy and then I'll get out of it for another few weeks. However, I got a text tonight from Climber dude saying that that Thursday is fine but I have to choose what we do and where we go. Great so not only do I have to go but it's up to me to decide where. Yet at least he's gone off the idea of cooking me a meal coz that really isn't good I don't think I could have hacked that. So my plan is the local and hopefully we'll bump into some people we know and we'll be able to join them. That sounds like a good plan right - plus if I get bored I can just say I have a headache from the smoke or something and leave early.

I know I sound harsh but it's like this; Veng said in a previous comment that flirting with other guys doesn't help the situation but Veng the way I see it is you have different types of guys. The guys you can just have abit of fun with knowing full well that that's all they want and it seems that the gorgeous guys are that type of guy if you get me, then the type that are a bit more serious and full on and the type you do want to settle down with (they're me when Jerk Boys about) and will get hurt if you mess with them. Climber dude is a really great guy and a good mate but to start the whole dating thing with him when I am screwed up over Jerk boy would be so wrong. Plus climber dude is a pushy so and so. I can hold my own usually but not against this guy he's a persistent little shit. The thing that I don't understand is why he's so bloody interested in me anyway. Like I've said before we have nothing at all in common and last time we went out we both looked bored out of our brains. Which to be blunt I am pretty certain we were bored out of our brains. Anyway, how he managed to get me into this stupid position I don't know but he has and now I am gona have to go but I think if he hints that it's more than friendship in any shape or form I am just gona say that's not what I am looking for.

As for Jerk boy he text me today about work stuff but I've not seen or spoken to him since Thursday. Now that's good going.

WHY DO THE MEN IN MY LIFE CAUSE ME SO MUSH STRESS?

Long post for an eventful weekend.

Last night I saw Bouncer it's a long story but I am really good mates with his brother and his bro invited me round for a meal in his city. It's actually not that bad a drive so last night I went up to visit. To my utter shock Bouncer opened the door. I was shocked because he doesn't live there or infact in that city and I absolutely didn't expect him to be there. Yet after he left my city last week he went up to visit his bro. Why I didn't think that's what he may do is beyond me but I didn't.

Things were normal between myself and Bouncer last night, we flirted a little, talked a little and it was just like it always has been. So I don't know what the bizarreness of last weekend was all about really!! He did tell me again that he's planning on visiting my city at Christmas and will catch up with me then so that's something I guess. It was just good that things seemed as normal as they could between us.

I'd love to say that's the only shock this weekend but as it happens it's not. Something else also happened yesterday. My someone told me that he had sent a ring design off to be made. Oh yes he's going to pop the question to his beautiful girlfriend. I am really happy for him I truly am. He's still a great friend and I can't ask for more considering the distance between us, it was still a bit of a shock though - after telling me about buying the house and now this, it's all a bit like he's settling down and I still am just doing my thing.

I wish I could say those 2 things were the only shocks this weekend but they're not. That's right there's another one...... I bumped into Climber Dude this morning and he's invited me round his house for a meal. I really really don't want to go but I sometimes find it hard to say no and I ended up saying (while in a rush) "contact me and we'll find a date in our diarys" Why am I so stupid. I really don't want to have a meal with this guy. We have nothing at all in common. NOTHING. I am hoping he forgets, really hoping he forgets *sends, from my brain to his, "forget this conversation it never happened" vibes*.

And finaly, this IS the last incident. You may remember Batman the guy I met online. In general I am not a big fan about meeting guys online, my someone is really why I have decided against it. However, Batman is the guy that just by looking at him he made my toes curl. He is a stud in everyway. He's also a little vain with it but with that being the only fault I was thinking he'd certainly be a good guy to help in the process to get over Jerk Boy. However, Batman and I haven't really spoken much lately that was until I had an email waiting for me from him today. Anyway, I emailed him back and on it I gave him my phone number. Seriously I can't miss this opportunity. I know he visits my city fairly regularly so you never know one time he may actually give me a ring and arrange to meet up or something. I must learn to control my curling toes somehow. I can't wait for our next webcam chat now. This is the last internet guy though it has to be. I much prefer reality.

All in all, it's been an eventful weekend and it's not even over. I have a funny feeling that I am meeting up with a group of friends later and there is a good chance Jerk Boy may be there so wish me luck on that one.

Bye for now.

The Uncontrollable Urge

I've not long got back to my office since being in a meeting. It was a productive meeting for some, it would have been productive for me to if I was fully focused on it that is.

You see what happened was this; before the meeting I needed to urinate. So, I did. Fine I thought. The meeting was held in a really cold meeting room and half way through what was to happen. The urge to wee again. How can I need to urinate again, I'd only gone half an hour earlier. However, my bladder it pounded and pounded and I couldn't disturb the meeting so I spent the whole time trying to find something to take my mind off of my bursting bladder.

Finally I realised the boss was trying to end the meeting and as soon as it did I ran to the loo. A colleague followed me in. Someone I don't know well enough to make polite conversation with in the toilets. Anyhow, because I'd held the wee in for so long, that it ended out to be the longest wee ever and I had to give a sigh of relief, it was one of those wees. The lady in the loos with me must have thought I had a serious bladder disorder, maybe I do to need to urinate twice in half an hour.

I blame the cold room myself, but now I am left needing to find someone to go over the meeting with me because seriously I don't remember much, all I remember is being desperate for the loo.

GrettaGretta!

I don't like giving too much away about my identity but here is a MeMe/GrettaGretta for you...


1.When is the last time you held hands with someone?
July – It was with Pilot

2. If you were drafted into a war, would you survive?
Probably not but I don’t think the war would be what killed me!!!

3. Have you ever drank milk straight out of the carton?
Yuk no.

4. Have you ever won a spelling competition?
*rolls eyes* If you read this, I'm sure you can guess whether or not THAT has ever happened.

5. How fast can you type?
I am like a Lamborghini in the world of typing ;)

6. Are you afraid of the dark?
I’m afraid of walking in an unknown neighbour hood in the dark but I am not afraid of just the dark.

7. Eye color?
Hmmm you tell me? (see pic).

8. When is the last time you chose a bath over a shower?
I had a bath this morning. I added oil of olay bubbles mmmm mmm mmm.

9. Do you knock on wood?
knock, knock, knocking on heaven’s door. Oh that’s not what you asked.. Um no.

10. Are you drinking anything right now?
I have a mug beside me that is half full but it’s gone cold so I’m not drinking it.

11. Do you think you're attractive?
I’d say everyone is in their own way. My way is, your way is too.

12. Can you hoola hoop?
Oh you should see me hoola hoop. I’d leave you breathless.

13. Are you good at keeping secrets?
No I am crap and that’s why I have to write them down here.

14. What do you want for Christmas?
My first answer was Jerk Boy but I don’t think I am going to get that so instead I am going to say world peace, oh darn I am not going to get that either. Okay a selection box will do.

15. Do you know the Muffin Man?
No I don’t.

16. Do you talk in your sleep?
No one has ever told me that I do!

17. Who wrote the book of love?
The look of love… what I dunno.

18. Have you ever flown a kite?
When I was like 5 years old.

19. Do you consider yourself successful?
I am successful in nearly every area of my life bar one. I fail miserably when it comes to men.

20. How many people are on your contact list of your cell?
ok I can’t be bothered to count them all because there is a lot, so define ‘a lot’.

21. Have you ever asked for a pony?
I didn’t ever ask coz I knew I’d never get.

22. Plans for tomorrow?
work, maybe a little play, oh it’s Friday tomorrow that means little work and hopefully more than just a little play.

23. Missing someone now?
I miss someone we’ll call “Teddy”. I lost contact with Teddy in March and I miss him.

24. When was the last time you told someone 'I love you'?
I think I told a friend yesterday on the phone. If I didn’t then I really don’t remember the last time.

25. How are you feeling today?
I’m a bit tired had a yukky night sleep. It was silly after I’d been awake for sometime I imagined Jerk Boy there and that I was sleeping in his arms. It’s sad to say it but it was that thought that made me fall asleep.

26. Are happy with your life right now?
I am happy in every area bar 1.

27. Have you ever been suspended or expelled from school?
Nope – although I probably should have been on a number of occasions.

28. What are you looking forward to?
Christmas. I love Christmas.

29. Have you ever crawled through a window?
Do you know I think I am going to have to put this on my “things to do before I’m 30 list”.

30. Have you ever eaten dog food?
No.

31. Can you handle the truth?
On a good day, on a bad day lie to me it will be better for you trust me.

32. Do you like green eggs and ham?
I don’t know what green eggs are but I like ham.

33. What 3 things do you always bring with you to places?
My phone, my diary and *insert something fun* My digital camera.

34. Any cool scars?
I have one on my knee from when I was a child and ran into a roof tile.

35. Do you like or have a crush on anyone?
Well, *blush* there's someone called Jerk Boy.

36. How many kids do you plan on having?
Until I’ve discussed that with the children’s father I don’t want to answer. It’s a joint decision after all.

37. What do you do when no one is watching?
I blog here.

38. Have you ever been in love?
It depends on the definition of "in love" my definition I haven't been but I have by other people's definitions!!

39. Do you talk to yourself?
All the time – I’m guessing that doesn’t surprise anyone!

40. Is there something you want that you can't have?
There is one obvious answer here isn’t there??? Two words one begins with J and the other B.

41. Things about the opposite sex that you first notice?
Smile. Always the smile, then well, I’ll keep that to myself.

42. What are you thinking about right now?
Yorkshire puddings.

43. Who did you last hug?
My mate (who we'll call) Brian – he’s the greatest.

44. Who did you last kiss?
Pilot.

45. Where is your phone?
About an inch in front of my mouse.

46. What was the last thing you ate?
A cadburies dairy milk.

47. Favorite Color?
I like anything.

48. What is the last movie watched?
I tried to watch a life less ordinary but it was too crap so gave up on it. I can’t remember before that.

49. What song do you currently hear?
Crystall by Lewis

50. What do you want?
A hug I think.

51. Would you ever date anyone on your friends list?
That’s for me to know ;)

It's gona be a lovely day.

Jerk boy text me 3 times yesterday. However, I only replied to 2 and I am one of those people who always like to have the last word and I didn't respond to his last text which I am sure he may have been surprised about. He also started the text conversation I didn't text him. I haven't heard from him at all today (yet).

I feel today is a good day I feel on top of my emotions for once. I came close to sending him a text about an hour ago I wrote it all out then I deleted it all. Determined that the only way we'll be in contact is if he contacts me. Today I feel is a good day. I feel as if I am in control for the first time in ages and feeling in control feels mighty fine.

BTW boys thanks for the offers, most appreciated, I know where you guys reside if I need you ;).

I can't count the times..

I saw Jerk Boy last night. I couldn't help it but when he was chatting to someone I lay my head on his shoulder. I don't know what came over me, he didn't push me off or anything but I suddenly realised my actions and moved my head quickly. A guy then said to me "so when are you and Jerk Boy going to hook up?" If I could count the numerous times that question had been asked to me and Jerk Boy put together I'd swear we would be stuck in a room counting for hours.

The thing is until last night I was doing so well, then yesterday afternoon he text me and that was it then next thing I know I am seeing him (and friends) that night. I was sensible in the fact that I didn't stick around that long. I am suppose to be meeting up with a friend later for drinks and I have a sneaky feeling the Jerk Boy may come too. It's such a hassle having the same friends. That's not going to change though so I am going to have to get used to it.

It would be so helpful if there were someone around who could take my mind off him!!!! Any offers? lol.

High hopes turn to dust.

As it happens I did meet up with Bouncer today. I caved in and just sent him a text saying "What are you up to are you still playing sport? I am free at the moment if you want to catch up" to which he then rang and said that he was planning on meeting up with a couple we both know and I am more than welcome to join them. I decided to; a) because he'd already told me he probably wont be around again until Christmas and b) because I hadn't seen this couple for some time either. This was all good bar the fact things didn't feel right between us, in the past we've always had quite a flirty relationship but the spark just wasn't there today so instead I just gave up. It looked like my fun really wasn't going to happen. As I was playing with this couples young child (the child loves me. I have no idea why, at 2 years old the child remembered my name after 1 encounter and ever since just seems to cling to me like clingfilm does to the roll) I was listening into the conversation Bouncer was having. As it so happens he's apparently meeting up with some girl who lives in my city that he met on holiday. It made me realise that this could be the reason our friendship seemed so different/slightly strained today. I suddenly realised, there and then, that I should make the most of the attention the 3 year old kid was giving me because today that was definitely the only attention I was going to have.

How can I travel the world if it's on my shoulders?

Meeting up with Bouncer last night was great but it didn't come without a few hitches. Before I even left the house I was feeling quite low, I don't know why but I decided that I wasn't going to make an effort. So jeans, top and no make-up was my answer and I have to say it but the last few times Bouncer has seen me it's always been at a party or an occasion that requires dressing up but this didn't require that and I for some reason couldn't be arsed.

I was also under the impression I was meeting up with Bouncer and a few mutual friends that happen to be couples. As it turns out Bouncer decided to invite everybody he knew from my city along, no matter how well or how little he knew them, this turned out to be about 20 people. It just so happened he invited a young lad that I know, who has just got back from travelling. Anyway, this young lad because I was a familiar face, decided to sit by me and wanted to tell me every experience he had while travelling. Now this wasn't a bad thing I am really interested in things like that, but it just meant that while the young lad had cornered me, into this LONG conversation, that it was only polite of me to endure, a very beautiful girl had decided to sit by Bouncer. I wasn't jealous I was just aware, but there were comments throughout the night of how they were being really flirty with each other, which led me to feel like my fun was being had by someone else.

After this beauty and Bouncer had been chatting for some time I decided that it was time for me to go and join in the conversation somehow. I know too well this action had the potential to be a bit disasterous but this was suppose to be my fun night and my fun was being crushed. All of my fun has been crushed lately. So, I interrupted and true enough, not even sure how, managed to get Bouncer's attention and then we chatted a fair bit.

As I was leaving he said to me that he'd like to meet up today but he is playing sport with some friends, so he'll let me know when he's free. I don't really like that type of attitude, that I want to see you but you have to work round me. I informed him that I had plans for the evening but if he contacts me at a time I am available I don't mind catching up for a bit. Then he looked at me and did something that I'd never thought he'd do. He said to me "I think your priority right now is to get some sleep in and see how you go tomorrow".

This shocked me because I'd never seen him quite so considerate before. I was well aware that I hadn't made an effort that night, but when I got home and looked in the mirror I realised exactly why he had made that comment. My bags under my eyes seemed to had trippled from the time I left my house to the time I left Bouncer and everyone. I looked as if I was carrying the world on my shoulders and he noticed it. Even if I had bothered to doll myself up, I am not sure that I could have hidden that. My face is often like a picture, and those that appreciate art understand it moreso than anyone else.

Who knows if I'll see Bouncer today, right now I just want to relax.

Boycott update

0 emails written

ok so already I've lied 1 email was written but it was a group email and when I emailed, it wasn't specifically because I had him in mind, even tho I did. It was because I needed a team of people to help with a project and whether I like it or not he'd be great on this team - he hasn't responded to that email.... yet.

0 texts sent

Now this is true and you'll be even more proud of me I actually deleted every single text from him. I am not actually one of those 'types' of girls who obssess about every word written and re-read it over and over, but I do fear that this boycott may turn me into one of 'those' girls so to be safe I deleted them.

0 phone call made

See I am being good.

1 message left on his blog

ok so I am what I call a blogger addict. I love blogging and I enjoy reading other people's blogs too and there is nothing like an encouraging comment from one blogger to another.

33 visits to his blog

So there had to be a weak area right and this is probably it. I fear this makes me out to be some kind of stalker but is it wrong of me to like to read his comments and know about any other saucy ladies trying to hit on him. I think all girls probably understand this, or at least I hope they do. Oh no am I really insane?!

1 hour and 50 minutes thinking specifically about him but let me break it down it probably wont seem as bad.

10 mins - project related

10 mins - giving myself a hard time about the previous 10 mins

3 mins - his name circled around my head "Jerk Boy, Jerk Boy, Jerk Boy etc"

30 mins - Trying to understand how I am going to survive the boycott when I can't even get his name out of my head

30 mins - lusting after him, so in my imagination he look even more delicious. Maybe I need to recreate him in my head make him look like Michael Jackson or someone.

7 mins - giving myself a hard time about lusting after him

20mins - Trying to pull my head in and focus on Bouncer rather than Jerk Boy. Which by the way I am meeting Bouncer in just less than 2 hours time

3 hours and 52 minutes had passed before I thought about Jerk Boy until writing
this blog.

So, we've figured out it's going to be a long hard process but I'll get there. I know I will. I CAN DO THIS.

This blog is short and sweet just like me.

The presentation went well although Jerk Boy's half was quite shabby in comparison to mine. That's it now.

So, Bouncer tonight..... Eeeeeeeeeek it's been such a long time since I last saw him I am excited and nervous all at once.

The time has come to say goodbye.

Here's the thing. In 8 hours time my boycott against Jerk Boy will begin. The project is going to be presented later and after that my plan is going to come into action. No more texts, no more emails, no more phone calls, no more talking to him alone. NO MORE HIM. I am going to be strict on myself. The one thing I am is a determined little shit when I want to be. I am going to get my frame of mind in a place and it's going to stay there no more going back, no more sharing my life with him, no more asking him to share his life with me.

You see this "thing" whatever it is with me and Jerk boy has been going on for nearly 2 years and it all went completely wrong a year ago. Since then, since the whole "Gretta we're just good friends, Gretta I think of you as a sister, Gretta this is NEVER going to work" talk (what I want to add, Jerk Boy is I didn't realise you held hands with your sister when watching films in the cinema, I didn't think you'd pick up your sister's leg under the table at the pub and stroke it, I didn't think you'd constantly compliment how beautiful your sister is and I certainly didn't think you'd spend your birthday, the whole day and evening in your sister's company and no one elses call me confused but I wasn't the one misleading anyone - now you may understand why I call him Jerk Boy).

Things have been a little strained at times understandably but through everything it somehow, and I am not sure how, brought us even to closer and made our friendship stronger, we shared a secret and had a hold on each other I guess.

So over a year on this is where we are, me pretending that I'm over him and he believing it because he can't bear to lose the friendship we have. It's funny, if anyone else had gone through what we have you'd kind of expect them not to have much of a friendship and altho we now avoid alone time together, we certainly have a strong friendship. It's that friendship I blame for where I am at this moment in time and it's that friendship I am going to miss more than I can imagine, it hurts just thinking about it. It's going to be hard but I know I can do it. I CAN DO IT.

Goodbye.

Change happens so learn to live with it Gretta.

Where to start. So, Jerk Boy finally got the project and he loved my work and also had finished his half and the 2 halfs fit together perfectly so I feel so much better. There needs to be a few finishing touches to it but I've left that with him and I feel free from it.

Note to self: Don't offer to do other people's work for them.

I've arranged to meet up with Bouncer and his friend late Friday night, we're going to go out for food after he arrives. So that's all good.

Something else happened yesterday though that's caused me to be a bit low. My someone contacted me and told me that him and his beautiful girlfriend are looking into buying a house together. This shouldn't really have upset me definitely considering he was always geeky and that it never would have worked between us but it just felt like the end of an era. I don't know I can't even begin to explain it. I guess it's like that first love, or your childhood sweetheart and suddenly they're settling down and you feel a bit lost. I don't know I can't begin to explain it. It's not envy, it's not 'that could have been me' because I really wouldn't have wanted it. I guess it's just accepting that change happens, people move on, it's just I find it hard and I don't really even know why!!! Confused? Me to.

Roll on Thursday so I can move on.

Jerk Boy texted me telling me he knew he'd left the project here and that he'd get it at the meeting later. So I guess I feel a bit better now, it just would have helped if he'd texted me sooner but it does look like things are going to be fine. So no more stressing for me..

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT...

I get into work and what do I find? My half of the project exactly where I left it. I'm a bit pee'd now. Seriously, he spoke to me on the phone and said he'd pick it up yesterday, and not only that he kept me on the phone so he could inform me about his weekend away. He also told me that he hadn't finished his half of the project and doesn't know if he'll have much time, I think he was hinting for me to help. I said that if I had time I would but I can't guarantee it so he should probably have a back up. Truth is I am now not going to help him at all he obviously doesn't appreciate the effort. Maybe I am being slightly harsh we both have a meeting later that we have to attend it's going to be long and tedious and the bosses are going to feed us far too much information and try and add to our already overflowing work loads. Yet it does mean that we'll see each other and I'll finally be able to make sure he looks over my work. I don't care if he hates it, it's tough I am not changing it now.

Sorry I am just a little stressed!!!!!

A visit from an old friend this coming weekend, is putting a cheeky grin on my face.

It’s been an interesting few days. I managed to finish Jerk Boy’s project ready for Thursday for him to present and I text him twice about it, once when I was in the process of doing it and again when I finished. He didn’t reply to either of my texts and I must admit I was thinking he isn’t replying because he’s noticed we’ve been close again these past few weeks and is now pushing me away like he always does.

So, he still hasn’t seen the half of the project I’ve done or got himself familiar with it. Anyway, he’s been away this weekend and as soon as he gets back he texts me to find out what I am up to. I let him know that I am going out with some friends to the pub and he’s more than welcome to join us and he then decides that staying at home and watching TV is more appropriate……. I was like that’s great but when am I going to get this work I’ve done to you and by the way thanks for replying when I asked how you were getting on with your half of the project. So, I’ve text him saying I’ll leave it in my office for him to pick up. I think he’s going to try and pop in tonight to get it. I just hope it’s ok coz he’s leaving it a bit late for me to change it if it’s not ok - I don't even know if he has done his half. Why I am so stressed about this is beyond me really. I think his presentation is more important to me then it is to him.

The other thing that’s made these few days interesting is this…

I’ve been friends with a guy that we’ll call “Bouncer” for years. I guess through the years there have been times when I have thought that we'd make a darn good match but he never tends to stick around very long. Anyway, Bouncer and I have been in contact quite frequently since January. You see he’s a friends best friend, and my friend lives in the same city as me and held a new years party last year and Bouncer attended and since then we’ve just stayed in touch by email about once or twice a month, at this party he totally sweet talked me and left me feeling like I was a princess. My friend told me that Bouncer is visiting this coming weekend and ever since I found out I’ve been quietly really looking forward to catching up with him. The trouble with Bouncer though is distance – he doesn’t live in an appropriate proximity for anything to happen. Yet he often gives out the impression that if it wasn’t for the distance something could. I can’t believe no one has snapped him up yet to be honest he just the sweetest guy when he wants to be.

So, yeah cut story short, Jerk Boy’s been doing my head in with this whole project and how unhelpful he’s been when I shouldn’t be doing it anyway. Then Bouncer is around this weekend which means that I maybe in for a little bit of fun.

Guess it’s wait and see huh.

Next week, no more.

I need to back away from Jerk boy but I am going to leave it until after next week.

Yeah that's right I'm scared that I am getting deeper again. I guess if you read over the past few weeks then it's obvious.

Last night I saw him and a mate anyway, cut story short, his mate was being a bit unreasonable and Jerk boy wasn't given an opportunity to explain why he was letting the mate down. So, I butted in with my big gob and stood up for him, he's told me the reason previously so I knew it wasn't some wet ass reason flipping heck it was a serious reason, reason enough to not be upset about being let down.

I should tell you now Jerk boy is no walk over and can certainly fight his own battles. There was absolutely no reason for me to get involved but I just couldn't stop myself. I then felt like a fool thinking that I bet Jerk boy thinks I was trying to stick up for him because I still have feelings for him and I know how guys like to handle situations themselves. He actually wasn't bothered at all that I'd stuck my nose in. Which relieved me somewhat considering I was quitely freaking out in my head.

The reason I can't back off Jerk boy until next week is that I've offered my help to him on a project he needs done. I am an idiot I am actually going to do half of it for him, anyway next week we're going with a group of others for him to present the project and I want to see how it goes. After all I am going to have done half of it. So, yeah after the presentation then I am going to back off. I can't stick up for that boy any longer and it's not my responsibility to help him with his projects that he should be doing himself.

Still "trying" to move on but I am superglued to the floor

I'm upset, everything has gone wrong.

Random guy is really getting on my nerves now and am thinking I am gona have to tell him that there is no way I would go out with him. He's way too full on and altho hasn't told me he likes me I am beginning to think he thinks we're an item and he feels like I am his possession or something. He doesn't live in the same city as me but he texts me almost daily. I am telling you I am getting the serious heebeegeebees.

Ok but that's not even the real problem. It's Jerk boy (again), why can't I move on from him? This is what's happened now - every year I go away with about 6 friends, usually it's 2 couples, and then me and a friend. However at the dinner table the other night Jerk boy invited himself along, well we couldn't exactly say you're not welcome, he's a friend and in general it's usually the same 5 ,me and the couples but the person that comes with me changes one year it was 8 of us. So, it looks like it's going to be 2 couples and me and Jerk boy next year. After everything that happened this doesn't seem wise to me but there is no way I am giving up my annual break with friends, but they're his friends too and he wants to come. So we're going to be stuck with each other, if anything it's going to be humourous.

The only issue I really have is this, when I am with him everything is easy, half the time we act like a married couple, the other half of the time we are pushing each other away coz of the fear of getting to close and we both are fully aware we do it.

I've just been chatting to a friend online who's recently got married and she's telling me how hard organising Christmas is with their 2 families combined and how her parents want them but live far away and it's gona cost them a small fortune and how it would be much cheaper and easier to visit her hubby's parents. Yet, it's all such a stress. It's funny cos when I think about me and Jerk boy I know that the family situation would be so easily. He has so many in his family that there is no way his family would worry if he couldn't make it, and my 'rents are so laid back that they left me on my own one year while they went galavanting to another country to have a hot CHristmas.

When I think about me and Jerk boy in the long run I just see it working, we've been friends ever since I can remember, we have the same sense of humour, we argue now and then yet we always resolve it, we are so honest with each other, we can even say to each other "I really don't think what your wearing today suits you" and "that was inappropriate to say to that person maybe you should apologise" he's said it to me and I've said it to him, we also feel comfortable correcting each other, at the same time we have fun together. If things hadn't gone pair shaped last year we could have been together for a year this month. A year. But no, that's NEVER going to happen. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. I just don't understand we get on so well but no it's NEVER going to flipping well happen.

Sorry, I think I am having a bad jerk boy day, I'll somehow get there, I don't have a choice I have to.

That is that

Batman doesn't seem to have lasted very long hehehehheeheeee. We haven't chatted for about a week now and I think he's a player - it puts me off big time. So that's that.