Happy is:

1. Spening Friday and Saturday night with Jerk Boy, with him being extra nice to me because he thinks I'm upset, or depressed or something (which I'm not) but couldn't tell him that because he stop being so darn nice.

2. England beating Tonga in the rugby

3. Winning a bet with my dad. I only win a pint of beer, but I still win.

4. Not hearing from Flatmate all weekend, and not feeling confused about it. I'm gona behave there.

5. Receiving a long email from Teddy, about his journey so far and just the knowledge that he's slowly making his way here puts a smile on my face.

6. Waking up, and staying in bed until 11.20am just watching utter crap on tv, because I can.

Happy will be:

1. Having a roast dinner with my folks this avo. Yummmy.

His look gets me every time.

As I got in from work yesterday I flicked of my wedge boots, I put on my snug slippers, I dished myself out the ham salad that I’d made for lunch that morning but conveniently left at home. I gazed out of the window and sure enough the early, cold, dark evenings were drawing in. I hate this time of year but there’s always something intense in the air like the feel of romance, drinking wine while sat by the burning fire, letting the flames and the wine both heat your face, turning your cheeks rosey and soft.

As the thoughts of winter fun consumed me I decided to go and play with my hair and make up and make myself look sexy, suave and cute.

I had to pop round a colleagues house and drop round the project I’d taken home by mistake the night before and I kind of wanted him to see sexy Gretta because he’d not before – he’s totally married and old but I just wanted to give him a perk. This colleague lives just around the corner from Best Friend and Best Friend has been sick this week so I decided to pop in on her.

I stayed with Best Friend for about an hour and then drove back to my place, the temperature had dropped, it had started to rain as I noticed the drips on my windscreen. I pulled up and stepped out of the car, I could see a figure by my door, and as I walked up the garden path it was clear. Flatmate.

I certainly hadn’t planned to see him, he was cold, he looked as if he’d been there for a while. He was clearly shocked at how good I looked too. Which felt like I’d got one up on him, not that it’s a competition but it did. Lately when he randomly turns up I usually look like a slob about to have an early night.

Gretta: It’s still that time, you should leave. *pulls keys out of bag and begins to open door *

Flatmate: You look REALLY good.

Gretta: *looks at Flatmate*

His fluffy hair, and his droopy eyes, he was almost shivering, he looked like a little boy who’d lost his mum.

Gretta: Ok, ok come on.

We went into the house and I turned the fire on and told him to sit by it. I poured myself a rather large glass of wine and then remembered my fantasy of earlier and began to think that maybe pouring the wine wasn’t the wisest of my moves. I made Flatmate a coffee, knowing he’d need to drive later and there was no way he was staying over.

Flatmate: you look REALLY good.

I began to think that maybe I should make an effort more often more of the time. I made this effort for me no one I didn’t think anyone else would appreciate it but it made me feel good that Flatmate was and that his tongue was almost hanging out of his mouth. I sat by him by the fire. He reached for my hand, he looked sad.

Gretta: Has something happened you seem sad?

Flatmate: You look so good I want you so bad right now, and I know I can’t have you.

Gretta: And that’s why you look sad?

Flatmate: *nodds * You think I’m a dork don’t you.

Gretta: A little.

He leant over and kissed my lips slowly and softly, before I knew it I was leaning back on the carpet and he was on top of me kissing my neck, running his hands through my hair, his warm breath I could feel on my skin.

This was bad, I was weak, and nothing could happen. His hands then moved to my hips and he began to feel his way around my curves, slowly taking them under my top so he could feel my bra. I knew I should have stopped him but the words wouldn’t form, I found myself raising my arms and slowly pulled my top off over my head and began to kiss my stomach.

Gretta: *while trying to get some air* I still can’t you know.

Flatmate: I know, but can I just enjoy this

Gretta: sure.

I’m still unsure now why I agreed but sure enough the bra didn’t stay on and neither did his top as we pressed our bodies against each other, I let my breast rest against his chest as his hands began to touch every inch of my skin followed by a kiss from his soft lips. I wanted him so bad. I could feel how hard he was against me and began to undo his jeans, I found my self kissing his neck, kissing his body, wanting to keep him hard, wanting him to want me, wanting him. This was wrong, I could hear all of the comments written on my blog but in the moment I didn’t want him to stop, I wanted him to keep going.

My kisses began to get lower and lower, and my hands were beginning to feel my way from his buttocks to his manhood, he was wet, he was hard, I was wet but my lacy shoties were staying on. My fingers brushed over him, I began to rub him, he kissed my breasts letting his tongue tease my nipples.

Then I pulled away.

Flatmate: What’s wrong?

Gretta: Nothing but we seriously can’t go any further trust me it’s a turn off and I can’t do it.

Flatmate: Aren’t you going to suck me, I’d really like you to suck me.

That’s when it hit me, how cheap this thrill had been. Usually the thought of sucking him would fill me with ecstasy in that instant it filled me with disgust.

Gretta: You know what I’m done now.

I picked up my clothes and put them back on, I gave him his clothes. I actually felt a bit sorry for him he looked like a little boy who’d just had his favourite power ranger taken off him and told to tidy his room instead.

Flatmate: Are you mad at me now?

Gretta: No, not at you.

Truth is I was so mad at myself it was unbelievable. I was disappointed with myself. How could I let that happen, why can't I resist that man. I've not met anyone who has this unstoppable effect on me the way he does. Is it that he's unavailable is that why I let him get close because I know. Why with my ex boyfriends could I control my sexual desire with them and why can't I with Flatmate. Why does this taken guy have such a hold on me? Why have I allowed him too?

Flatmate: Gretta? You look sad

Gretta: I’m fine

Flatmate: Can I put you to bed before I leave, I’d really like too.

I found myself agreeing, probably for 2 reasons, one because I actually wanted someone to make me feel better and two because he still had that big dopey look on his face that he had when he was waiting at the front door.

I got myself into my jammies, and got into bed, he tucked me in and started stroking my hair, I closed my eyes.

My phone rudely awoke me at 7am. I thought it would be a text from Flatmate but to my shock it was a text from my mother

“Wear red to work in support of our friends in Burma”

There was no Flatmate in sight and I didn’t even hear him leave.

All by myself.

It's becoming more common now that on a Thursday I sit all alone in my office, no boss, no colleagues, no project managers, no project co-ordinators, no builders, no support workers... JUST ME.

It's becoming a ritual to have a little cry after my 11am cup of tea because no one can see, because I'm alone in the office.

I don't find Thursdays sad days, but being alone all day at work on a Thursday is just a reminder of how alone I am in my life. It's not a sad day, just a day when I like to release the aloneness I feel inside, while alone, alone inside.

28 weeks later, LET'S JUST NEVER GET THERE.

Hmmm so I've not been out since Saturday night. THIS IS UNUSUAL FOR ME. In fact I can't remember the last time I had so many consecutive nights in in a row but I tell you now I must have been sick.

Anyway, I've just finished watching 28 weeks later - it's a pile of shit don't watch it. I found myself texting jerk boy half way through the movie saying "did you ACTUALLY enjoy this film?" to which he replied "It was ok, Scary! But quite a lot of 'WHAT?' moments where there were big gaps in the plot, yep now I think about it I didn't ACTUALLY enjoy it".

I wish he'd figured that out before he lent me the movie I feel like I've just wasted 2 hours of my life!

Anyway, I've not heard from Flatmate since his random visit, I don't expect to hera from him for a few days now, that's until he thinks I'm 'able' to give him what I reckon he wants. I'm done with Flatmate - I've decided I'm not his sex toy that he can just pick up when his girlfriend isn't satisfying him enough not to look elsewhere. So, with that in mind - I'm back to the boring old manless life but at least that's better than being back up! Who wants to be back up? No me - see Scotty I listen ;)

When Jerk Boy is just being a Boy

He's so darn lovely and that's great because when he's just a boy, he's my bestest friend in the whole wide world.

Last night I decided to do some clearing up under my bed, I just seem to store a whole lot of crap under my bed and after I went online and Jerk Boy was on. I'd changed my msn pic for Flatmate the other day, he has a thing about my sad eye look, he says he can't resist my sad eye look as it makes him want to pick me up and take care of me. Anyway, we're not talking about Flatmate because I'm bannishing him from my life. So back to Boy (Jerk)

Jerk Boy: Ahh you've got sad Gretta pic up, what's wrong?

Gretta: Nothing is wrong

Jerk Boy: Great now you're lying to me

Gretta: I'm not lying, nothing is wrong

Jerk Boy: That's twice you've lied to me.

Gretta: Anyway, how are you?

Jerk Boy: And now you're changing the subject.

Gretta: Blooming heck there's nothing wrong, anyway, I'm glad you're online I want to borrow your dvd of 28 weeks later, can you drop it round at some point when you're in the area?

Jerk Boy: I can drop it round now, I'm going round *a married couples house we both know* to catch up with them, so I'll see you in about 20 mins. You can come if you want

Gretta: No I'm trying to not go out at the moment, I've been spending too much money lately.

Jerk Boy: Well, you're gona go from one place to another you wont spend money

Gretta: I just want to be on my own

Jerk Boy: See, I knew there was a reason for the sad face but you're not gona tell me so I'll pop the dvd round in a bit see you then.

Gretta: Thanks.

He's a good boy really, and I get to watch 28 weeks later tonight, yey, has anyone else seen it? know if it's any good.

I need Will Power - does anyone know where I can find him?

Ok.

Decision made.

I can't go there again, no matter whether I want to or not.

It's not fair on Gifty, It's not fair on me, and it's also not fair on Flatmate.

There's no good that can come from it.

Decision made.

I'm going to be strong. I've got less than 4 weeks before Teddy arrives, if I use Teddy to occupy my mind, hopefully it means Flatmate wont get a look in.

ok now I need your help - keep me motivated guys, coz I am weak and I know it.

3 days early and for the first time ever I was pleased to see it.

Last night I was suppose to go to a work meeting. Yet, my boss is sick so cancelled it yey I thought.

I noticed that Forest Gump was on the TV so before it started I had a hot bubbly bath, got into my jammies and curled up for an early night infront of the TV.

At about 9.30 there was a knock at the door, I didn't want to open the door as Forest Gump had made me cry and tears were streaming down my face, it wasn't just Forest Gump that had made me cry though. I was confused about speaking online to Flatmate that morning and if that hadn't topped it off I came on my period that afternoon, 3 days early, and for a girl that's usually as regular as clockwork it was all a bit much. I tried to ignore the door but it went again and I knew whoever it was could see that my bedroom light was on through the window.

I clambered out of bed and went to open the door, and there he was, stood there looking dopey. Oh I knew he said he wanted to see me but I wasn't expecting him at that moment.

Flatmate: Have you been crying?

Gretta: I've been watching Forest Gump and it makes me cry

Flatmate: You big softy, come here *he walks in and wraps his (oh so lovely) arm around me*

I wanted his arms around me, I wanted him to comfort me while I was crying but I wasn't comfortable, for the first time I felt very uncomfortable in his arms. As you all know one of the most important things I need when being with a man is to feel comfortable but I just didn't. I wriggled out of his arms.

Gretta: Look I know that we were chatting online today and it felt good, like old times even and of course I want you, how could I not but this afternoon I came on and there is no way you are going anywhere down there. So you may as well just leave now because you're not gona get what you came for.

He looks at me with a bit of a bizarre look on his face and starts to laugh. I couldn't help but laugh with him and I hit his arm.

Gretta: I'm glad you find it funny.

Flatmate: I don't want just that you know, I've missed you.

Gretta: Flatmate don't start.

He seemed to ignore everything I was saying and came in and sat down on the sofa as if he had every right to be at my place. I felt a bit violated but he didn't seem aware of that. He started blabbing on about work and how much had changed since we last talked, how his crap employee was asked to leave quietly or she would be fired because of the quality of her work wasn't up to it, how he'd got a pay rise and is saving to go travelling (which I still don't believe he'll ever do because he's a gutless wonder), and how he's now deputy manager so when the manager of his company is on holiday he's the one in charge. While he was talking I found my eyes wandering all over his body, gosh I've missed his body, he arms, his chicken legs, his annoyingly thin top lip, I started imagining his body underneath the green t-shirt he was wearing, his 2 little moles just to the left of his belly button that I used to like to kiss. Bloody hell I wanted to pull that t-shirt off him.

I think he knew exactly what I wanted, I wanted to touch him, but I just sat there staring at him realing off all this work stuff as if we were a married couple and he was just filling me in. I realised it was time for him to leave, the longer he talked, the more I'd feel like he wanted me for not only the physical but for the emotional as well and I just don't think I can give that. The one thing neither of us mentioned all night long was Gifty. I couldn't bring myself to ask about her and he clearly didn't want to mention her to me. I used my period as the ample excuse, I was tired, I wanted to go to bed, I wanted him to leave.

I walked towards the front door, I opened it, he pulled me too him, he kissed my lips twice, he whispered in my ear (I'm unsure why he whispered he just did) "have a good sleep" and as he walked out of the door in full volume as if he was confirming a deal "SO I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU LATER THEN" and with that he was gone.

I'm not sure I can handle this, if I weren't on my period I wouldn't have resisted him, if he just turns up I'm too weak to not let him in, however if he sits and chats and makes me feel like I'm worth knowing about his life and that he's opening up to me and he wants me to know about his life, it makes me feel like I'm part of his life and that feeling is so dangerous because I'm not the only one who's part of his life. Why does he want the best of both worlds and why did he have to prove that sodding book right, I'm beginning to wish he snapped and didn't come back.

The elastic band experiment

This weekend I picked up a book that I hadn’t picked up in a few years. That book was….

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.

Great read by the way and I recommend it to EVERYONE.

So, instead of reading the whole thing I just started flicking through. I found myself applying a lot of the book to the Flatmate situation. I know, I know. I shouldn’t be thinking about Flatmate but shoot me down I was.

Anyway, I realised as I was reading a certain chapter that before we called it a day and before he started being a bit of dick (I know a lot of you would say that he was a dick before the day he started being one to me because of him having a girlfriend but he wasn’t a dick to me for quite a long time and even now I still remember the good times).

So, I read that when a female starts making demands, on time and attention, and when they get needy but in a way that blames the male when they don’t spend time with you they go into their cave. Yes as females we all know men have their cave, and we all hate that cave, because we want to go and invade the cave and make them talk their problems out. However, the next part I read was interesting, it said that Martians (men) are like elastic bands, the stretch so far, and then they come back, and they will come back you’ve just got to let them stretch away. What the book also said is when men do come back, they act as if they’ve never been away and they pick up the intimacy level where they left it.

I started to think about the Flatmate’s situation, I definitely had started to place blame on him because he was reducing my time to spend time with Gifty, I definitely had laid on guilt trips about when I had a problem and I needed to talk it through and he wasn’t around. I’d been that female that pushed their bloke into the cave, not because their feelings lessen but because they just need that time to sort it all out in their head.

However, when reading it I thought to myself, well, that’s all well and good but Flatmate’s elastic band must have snapped because it’s been well over 3 weeks and he hasn’t come back. Even though things ended between us, Flatmate knows that all he had to give me what I crave, time and attention and I’d be his. So, why hasn’t he come back like the book said. It left me a little confused all weekend.

I know I shouldn’t have been wanting him back, I know I should just let him live his life with Gifty, I know this, but from what the book was saying it sounded like he should have come back. Judge me all you like but you try living a single life, with no male interest or any sexual activity for a silly long time and you're realise how tough it is.

Anyway, who was to appear online this morning for the first time in weeks. None other than Flatmate, and he started chatting to me, he initiated the conversation. The book was right. Like an elastic band he'd returned. So I thought I’d experiment. Yep, I know, I’m wrong, I’m naughty but I was curious to see if this statement the book had made was correct

“when men do come back, they act as if they’ve never been away and they pick up the intimacy level where they left it.”

I can tell you now the book was right, we flirting, we chatted and ended up doing some online fondling and it felt as if all of the problems we had before he disappeared on me into his cave had also vanished. It felt so good to have him there, he was concerned about me, he was checking in on me, he was giving me time and attention, he was telling me how much he missed me, he was telling me I was beautiful and how much he wanted me. The Flatmate that swept me away when we first met was back, a Flatmate I was beginning to think I'd lost forever.

He now wants to see me though, and I haven’t made any promises, deep down I know I shouldn’t go there again, I know I shouldn’t let him back in, but I can’t believe how right the book was – I mean his elastic band stretched quite far before he returned, but when he did return it was like he’d never been away and I tell you what it felt like he was all mine and even though I know he’s not, it was a really good feeling.

I know you all think I’m crazy, I think I’m crazy but I miss him, I’ve missed him the whole time he’s been away, there's been noone to fill that hole and although I’ve tried not to think about him I have thought about him because when he isn't a dick, he's a really great guy and so attentive to my needs.

I know I shouldn’t go there again, and I’ll try not too, but if I try and fail, I can’t help it. I’m human and I need attention and right now he seems so willing to give it, it seems a waste when I need it to stop him. Oh I'm the crappest person alive I know.

Another Gretta Dilemma!

I had a little bit of a shock today when I logged on to facebook.

You see, Teddy had uploaded some pictures of his travels, and as I was looking through them I came across one of Teddy.

And, that's when I realised although we've been in touch over the 2 years since we met (when I went travelling). I've not actually seen him during that time, so when I looked at his pic I was a little taken back to find out that he had aged somewhat over the last 2 years.

He had a bald patch when we met, but now he was receding to the point where he almost had no hair. He looked very mature. Now, I don't have any qualms about the older man, or the older looking man. However, I was shocked at how much older he looked in 2 years.

I have photos of him from when we met and he looks boyish in comparison to now, now he looks like an old balding man.

I'm really glad that I saw the pic first because if we'd met I might have made a thing about how much more mature he looks and this way I can at least figure out how to handle it first.

I could say

"wow you've matured but it's a great look on you"

or

"You look good just a bit older"

or

I could just ignore the fact that all of his hair has disappeared since our last meeting. Hmmm what do you do when someone has aged so much in 2 years, ignore it, or mention it?

I just don't know

Avoid, Avoid, A...VOID.

Last night I was invited out to celebrate my boss turning 40. I didn't really want to go as a part from the work crowd I wasn't going to know anybody, and the work crowd are all a bit up them selves. However, Jerk Boy was there so at least we kept each other entertained for a little bit.

My boss had chosen the pub I usually go to for his drinks. He doesn't really go to the pub often I guess it's something to do with the wife and 2 kids. The trouble with him choosing that pub is that there was always a chance I could bump into someone I know or someone I hang out with.

Guess what.... Climber Dude was there.

I couldn't believe it, out of all the people I could have seen in that pub I saw the one person I really didn't want to see.

Jerk Boy ended up getting into some indepth work conversation with my boss and while that was happening Climber Dude came and sat with me. I was reluctant to even hold a conversation with him. I mean the last I heard we were suppose to be going for pizza and a movie and he pulls the plug on me never to re-arrange. I felt silly, like I was sat having a conversation with the guy that rejected me, knowing he'd rejected me.

I discreetly (when he wasn't paying attention) pulled my car keys out of my bag and had them in my hand and then I looked at him and said...

"I've had my car keys in my hand for a while, I've been meaning to make a move I'm soo tired"

And with that I said goodbye to the boss, and the bosses wife, Jerk Boy gave me a knowing wink as if to say I know you're leaving because you don't want to chat to Climber Dude (even though he knows nothing about me feeling rejected) and I headed out the door. I was home at 10pm, and I read the blogs for a bit and then curled up for an early night.

I feel great this morning.

Now I'm off to meet friends for breakfast, and later I get to watch England V Samoa in the rugby. I'm taking the old man to the pub and buying him a beer.

Catch yaz

Gretta x

"Just google it"

Song plays on radio, with the words "Shut Up and Drive" in.

Gretta & The Boss (in unison): I like this song.

The Boss: Who sings it?

Gretta: I don't know!!! It could be the sugar babes!!

The Boss: It's not the sugar babes

Gretta: It could be The Pussy Cat dolls

The Boss: Stop spectulating just google it will you

Gretta: I swear in this office we use that phrase "Just google it" more than any other phrase around. It's the phrase of the 21st century.

And for those who care - by googling we found out that "Shut Up and Drive" is the latest Rhianna song.

Happiness is...

Going to lunch with Jerk Boy

Him buying me a chocolate dessert without even asking if it's ok, as he knew it was what I wanted.

And then after me going back to the office him going home having this text conversation.

Gretta's Text: I'm stuffed, I'm so not having dinner tonight now. That chocolate Bomb isn't going to do anything for my weight losing regime (I don't do diets they just make me get hungry).

Jerk Boy's Text: Mmmmmm The chocolate bomb, the best kind of bomb.

Gretta's Text: I think Tom Jones might disagree.

Jerk Boy's Text: You're good.

Letting out some secret facts

1. After cleaning my teeth I smile in the mirror to check they're clean.

2. I snuggle up in my duvet at night and often imagine I'm led in a man's arms.

3. I don't like fish but I keep meaning to try to make myself eat it.

4. I prefer to talk to people on the phone than to text, yet I text more often and am unsure why!

5. I always make polite chitchat with my neighbours when I see them.

6. If I meet a miserable barman, shop keeper or if someone sounds grumpy on the phone it becomes my personal mission to cheer them up. If only for that minute of interaction.

7. My boss says I'm extremely politcally incorrect. What he doesn't realise is I only do it to shock him.

8. I enjoy going out to lunch with friends.

9. I can be very stubborn and I actually respect someone who is determined enough to change my mind about something.

10. I love curry, but I have to plan very carefully when I eat one because it effects me for days afterwards.

Cold days, Dark evenings, Frosty Morning, SAD Gretta?

My life has been very quiet on the man front lately. I don't even remember the last time I heard from Flatmate and the only reason I'm mentioning him is because we're discussing my life and men in the same paragraph.

I guess it's going to be a long, cold, lonely winter. The one thing I'm looking forward to is Teddy's visit next month. He's been in contact frequently lately and that puts a smile on my face but I'm just beginning to think our meet up will be more of a goodbye than anything else and that saddens me. I guess I can't predict what will happen when he's here I just wish he would hurry up and get here - he's the only think I'm looking forward to.

In my group of friends I am totally in the minority as a single person. It's funny how one minute we're all a group of girls, pulling men all over the place, organising mad nights out to all settling down, bar 1... Me.

None of my friends make a big deal about my singleness and I'm pretty content in my singleness but I'm just unsure how one day we're all enjoying our young prettyness and the next day we're all settling down, getting married, buying houses and talking babies. I have to endure these conversations and yet none of those things apply to my life and how do you do it, how do you become settled and stable living a life on your own.

I dunno, this is all too confusing for me, there isn't any guy about that I'm willing to share my life with but I'm not sure I can hack my friends and their happy little 2 point 4 lives without becoming a manic depressive.

Oh you can so tell it went below 10 degrees today, this happens every year I suffer with SAD I tell you.

Right I need to find me some sunshine and I need to find it soon.

For Scotty

A few years back I had a new years eve party and the theme was countries and you had to dress up as a country. I don't recall why but I decided to come as America and decided to dress up as the Statue of Liberty! I made the costume all by myself :)

She's ranting and raving again!

So I had to hang out with the freak today! Trying to fill 4 hours wasn't hard shall I tell you why? BECAUSE HE DOESN'T FRIGGING SHUT HIS BLOODY MOUTH.

OH MY FUCKING GOD....

I thought as a girl I had the natural gift of being able to chat. Well, I tell you what my gift was well and trully crushed because this freak wouldn't let me get a word in edge ways.

I thought I'd try and show him my city but he didn't even shut his mouth up long enough for me to tell him what was what.

I actually don't think he knows a thing about me, he didn't ask me one single question mainly because he was too busy going on about how everyone he meets likes him and he thinks he's quite an easy guy to get along with. Well he doesn't really give you a chance he doesn't let you say a word.

Everytime I opened my mouth he spoke over the top of me and this one time we were sat in a cafe having a coffee and there was this handsome sat on the table behind the freak and he actually looked up and acknowledged me with a wink and a smile because he could clearly tell this dude talked for not only England but for Scotland, Ireland and the whole of Europe. When it came to dropping him off at the wedding reception I was so glad he was gone and I hopefully wont have to endure his company again for a very long time.

The thing was when driving home, I just had the worst headache to go alongside the cold I already had. Due to the fact that he's just chatted his arse off to me the whole time. AND NO IF YOU'RE THINKING I'M EXAGERATING, LET ME TELL YOU NOW - I'M NOT. AND I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU SPEND 4 HOURS WITH THIS FREAK.

Oh and to top it off - I bought him a coffee, and he didn't say thank you, I spent 4 hours on a Saturday showing him around my city (not that he looked as he was too busy chatting) and he didn't say thank you, I picked him up from his wedding and dropped him off at the reception I was his personal taxi service - AND HE DIDN'T SAY THANK YOU.

You know what my parents taught me manners, and to be considerate and when I ask someone a question to actually listen to the answer and not talk over them as if their opinion doesn't matter - I don't have a friggin clue what his parents taught him.

Thankfully though the freak should be on his way out of my city and I am not on my way to bed.

Funny old week

This has been a funny old week in my world.

I've been emailing Teddy quite frequently lately, which is great and he's pretty definite that he's visiting for a weekend at the end of October. He's made it clear he doesn't want anything to happen between us at least that's what I get from his emails which state things like "I love Europe the ladys are sooooo hot" and stuff similar which gave me the impression that he was letting me know that we can't pick up where we left things 2 years ago.

The one interesting thing is he recently added me to facebook and low and behold his relationship status says "It's complicated" which to me makes more sense - when I asked him on msn the other weekend if he was still single he said yes, but if on facebook it says "it's complicated" that could be the reason why he just wants to be friends and not playmates. I'm looking forward to his visit I'm going to get to the bottom of all of this even if it kills me - just call me detective Gretta.

I've also been in contact with another guy on email, however, he's quite hard work and trying to get information out of him is proving tough, usually I'd embrace the challenge, but at the moment I'm not sure I can take the pace I'm getting old.

Anyhow, I've got a guy visiting tomorrow, I'm sure I've written about him before and gave him the nick name "the freak" but I've searched back over the blog and can't seem to find it. I don't fancy this guy in the slightest and thankfully he's met some girl now and I'm hoping is in a relationship - he has a wedding in my city to attend and he has quite a few hours free before the reception so he asked if he could hang out with me. I've said he can, but I call him "The Freak" for a reason, he's just a bit unique and I'm not sure I'll last the whole afternoon haha - I'll keep you posted.

Time for a diet coke break?

I'm a little concerned. About 6 months ago a new guy started working here. He only works one day a week on a Wednesday. I'm not suppose to work alongside him but the nature of his job means that I do need to keep up to speed on what he's up to. Anyway to cut the story short he's a lot of things...

1. Assertive

2. Overly assertive verging towards demanding

3. 12 years older than me

4. Darn good looking for being 12 years older than me

5. Flirtatious

6. Especially fliratious with me

7. He has kids

8. He's married and has kids

9. I've met his wife

10. I've also met his kids.

At the moment we're in the process of moving offices, the one issue is where we want to move too, needs to be decorated so me and (we'll call him) Mr Commitment started to paint the offices together.

Now has anyone seen the diet coke advert where all the ladies stop to perve on that particularly tastey bloke? I had a diet coke moment yesterday.

As he stood on the chair, he reached up to paint the high bits of the wall I couldn't reach, and as he reached up his t-shirt rose, just enough for me to see (what many call the garden path) what I call the flame of desire. There is something about that hairy part on a man's stomach that makes me feel weak inside and as his t-shirt rose I found my eyes looking all over his body. In the end I actually had to compose myself and turn round to face the other way, and then when he asked me to pass him the 'cutting in' brush I felt my cheeks begin to go red. I was blushing not just because I was perving on him but because I felt as if I was doing something I really shouldn't be doing. I felt like a naughty school girl and the truth is yesterday I really wanted to be a naughty school girl.

Today is a blue day.

I'm sure Jerk Boy should be back now, but I can't remember when he was suppose to be getting home. This is silly I don't usually forget things like this. I'm kind of half hoping if he is back he'll pop into the office and take me for lunch. I'm miserable today.

• I have the start of a cold
• I could have done with an extre 3 hours in bed this morning
• My boss has left me in charge of his technical difficulities and I haven't got the foggiest how to sort them out
• Flatmate is a dickhead - he just is.
• Climber Dude has text me asking when I'm free to re-arrange and I can't be arsed to respond if he wants to hang out with me now he's gona have to make some huge major effort and even then I'll probably turn him down.
• I had an unsuccessful shopping trip yesterday
• I don't feel well :(

He had his chance and he blew it

This afternoon while I was at work I got an email from Climber Dude

"Hi Gretta - we still on for Thurs? I was thinking maybe pizza and catch a movie? anything you wana see at the mo?"

I actually thought that's a great plan, I haven't had pizza for ages and pizza and movie actually sounds cool. So I replied saying

"that sounds great I'm not sure what's out at the mo but I've seen Bourne Ultimatum (not that I mind seeing it again) but it would be good to see something I've not seen already. As I don't know what's out if there's anything you fancy let's do that"

Thankfully I'm pretty easy with movies - being a girl naturally I love chick flicks but I appreciate guys often aren't that into them (well Jerk Boy is but only because he doesn't get a choice). I don't mind action or fantasy, I'm not so big on scifi but otherwise I'm pretty easy with movies.

Tonight, I look at my phone and there's a missed call it's from Climber Dude - I think to myself why's he called???

a. he's got the email and wants to discuss film, time etc

b. he's gona cancel

So I ring him back.

And yep he cancelled on me - he'd 'accidentally' double booked himself with some doo at his climbing club. He was genuinely sorry about it and kept saying "we will do it, we will do dinner and a movie" but my response and tone of voice I think was probably pretty clear my response was "sure" but my tone was "I don't believe it's ever going to happen".

If it were the first time he's done something like this maybe I'd be a bit more forgiving but do you remember the whole "pop art" saga. When I invited him round and said I'd cook why he draw me and then I get a phone call saying that his family is coming round and I can join them. At that point I wasn't comfortable to do the family thing and he never once instigated to try to re-arrange the pop art thing after I said I'd give that a miss.

I figure that I've been open, and he's let me down and maybe both times completely unintentionally but considering I've never really been sure about him, I've decided he's missed it. I'm not going to re-arrange the dinner and cinema night and if he tries I can almost guarantee that I'll be busy. I'm a busy person.

Motivated to be lazy.

I've emailed Jerk Boy about the work stuff that's been happening and he's well pissed about it all. Anyways, we're gona do lunch when he returns and chat things through properly! I wish he was here now.

I should really be working but I am so NOT one bit motivated.

I have a night into night and I'm thinking of renting a dvd on the way home from work, getting some chocolate, pouring a rather large glass of white wine and curling up in my bed while watching it. That sounds like a plan - I'm thinking of renting

1. Factory Girl

2. This is England

3. Something extremely girly and romantic.

The funny thing is I'll prob end up just watching TV - oooh I wonder what they're showing on film 4 tonight.

instable

I'm sat here drinking a bacardi and coke (bacardi being my fave rum Betty), i'm unsure bacardi classes as rum but the ratio of bacardi compared to coke is mighty high haha.

I've been at a boring work meeting tonight and with Jerk Boy away it was particularly tedious. Actually I found myself being really fake with one of Jerk Boy's colleagues - when he's around he prevents me being fake doh, why wasn't he there. I didn't mean to be fake I just don't like the woman (I don't really think Jerk Boy does either) so when I talk to her I'm nice as pie but I think she knows I don't really like her hence why I come across fake but I get enough hassle at work as it is without having to dislike people.

Speaking of work, I'm contemplating looking for a new job, I actually think the company I work for is slowly sinking fast and I think I might jump ship. Trouble with being a PA is that you begin to feel very loyal to your boss, but I'm beginning to think if it were the other way round my boss would have jumped ship ages ago. So here's to getting my CV up together. Hmmm mmmmmaybe I can get JerkBoy to jump ship with me, I somehow don't think he will. Ahh well out of the both of us I always saw him as the leaver - in fact I'm still not sure I've got the confidence to do it, I've been in this job for years but maybe it is time for a new challenge - I'm just unsure what. Anyway, it's just a though - maybe I could take a gap year and work abroad I could do with getting away. Oh I need to figure my instability in my life out. Someone help me. haha.

If only I didn't throw away the instructions.

I saw Climber Dude tonight. He was at friend's house when I went to visit. We actually got on quite well but I still can't read him at all. From what I can tell - He used to be very interested in me, he used to ask me out fairly frequently, I mainly turned him down a - lot. Then a few months back he started being quite mean to me and making mean comments to which intellect and other friends said is probably because he likes you. I was going to confront him about them the next time he was mean to me but since me thinking I'd confront him he's started being nice again. However, now it's me instigating whether we meet up or not. I don't want to do the chasing now, I'd much rather he chase me and I'd actually not knock him back this time, yet I can understand why he doesn't chase me because I turned him down soooo many times that if he is still interested it would be a miracle. So, now what... Well, I guess I go catch up with us just as the 2 of us on Thursday and see if it progresses. Ideally after Thursday I'd like him to invite me out again but truth of the matter is I think he's done with me now and I don't blame him at all.

Drink binge Saturday

Teddy and I had a long instant message conversation this afternoon. He's been on dial up for the last year or so and now he's in Germany he has broadband and it was the first time we chatted properly in ages.

Some things concerned me though, like he suggested that I should look at JerkBoy in more of a boyfriend sort of way. He's seen pics of me and JerkBoy - I made sure he knew that me and JerkBoy would always be "just" good friends and nothing more EVER. So then he suggested that I try and pull some random guys when I'm out and about. I felt as if he were suggesting it as a way of letting me know he's not interested and when we meet up it's friendship only... I just don't understand if that's what he was doing or not!!!?? (Boys? why was he suggesting that?). When I asked him about his love life he said he didn't have one so if that's the case why rule out a little play time with me when he visits.

I dunno - it's kind of put a bit of a dampner on things but I've decided whether he wants friendship or a playmate he'll get whatever and I'm going to have fun with him regardless. I just was hoping for a playmate but I know that maybe friendship would be less harmful because I really am looking forward to his visit, so much that maybe a Playmate would end up not enough and when he returns he takes half my heart with him. After what happened with Flatmate I'm not convinced my heart could survive that. Oh I don't know. I just feel like I've lost it with guys, I feel like I just am scared I'll get hurt so can't really be bothered and I guess when they give me a get out of jail card I'm going to take it straight away, it's better that than being walked all over.

In other news, Climber Dude emailed me and has suggested Thursday night for that catch up so he can fill me in about his trip (NOT A DATE). I'm free that night so it looks like I'll be going.

Oh and I've been sat watching world cup rugby all afternoon with rum and coke MmmmmMMMMmmmmmm rum and coke and men with great arms, in tight shorts. I mean it could life get any better than that... Ok it could I could have a man with great arms wrapped around me - Scotty??? Where are yoU?

That's all folks.

To cheer us all up

After my depressing post below (really I just needed to get that all out) I thought I'd post a pic of me and JerkBoy dancing at Best Friend's wedding.

This pic puts a smile on my face.

Fucking Shit

If I had to sum up 2007 I would have to say it's been possibly the most shittiest year of my life. In fact there is no probably about it... It has been the shittiest year of my life FACT.

1. At the beginning of a year I had to watch a really close friend and ex work colleague go throught a break up with her husband of 19 years.

2. My sister's husband walked out on her for no apparent reason whatsoever (no other lady) just left one day claiming he was having a midlife crisis.

3. I found out that a friend of mine that I'd know for 5 years had basically been living a lie. Her life to everyone I know was completely fraud and she also had an affair with a married man who has 4 children and she didn't even care how her actions destroyed that family. She's manipulative and actually caused a heck of a lot more trouble than that.

4. Another really close friend found out her fiance was sleeping with another girl and since then I've had to endure tear filled nights and a heck of a lot of confusion and this girl is the most genuine person I've ever met and has been an angel to me.

5. Best friend had her wedding and got married and this is a great thing. However, on the wedding night her house was broken into and the theiving scabs stole all the gifts and why they have been on honeymoon I had to chase everyone on the wedding list to find out what they bought collect receipts etc and that's been HARD work.

6. Then tonight and this is kind of the thing that has just made me look back over the year and think it's just all shit really, is that my sis has got herself back on her feet, she's bought herself a little 1 bed place and this week I've been helping her move in. My sis is the strongest girl on the planet I swear - she has endured so much. However, tonight she got so emotional when buying a sofa and I suddenly realised that after being with a guy for 4 years and married for 4 years so with that person for 8 years in total when you expect it to be for forever, just something simple like buying a sofa must be a really hard thing and all I could say to her was "everything will be alright".

Yes when I looked back over this year - I'm just unsure everything will be alright. I mean how much more shit do the people close to me have to endure.

Life really is just shit sometimes and there's nothing the fuck you can do about it.

He seems to have an invisible touch.

I heard from Jerk Boy this morning. It was a really nice surprise he was jetlagged so was in an internet cafe at 1.30am LA time which worked out at about 10am my time. I was glad he let me know he got there safely! I wasn't concerned but I was still glad he let me know.

I'm having a pretty bad Flatmate day today - I can't believe after all this time my mind still wanders to that place. The time when everything was great between us - the time when we ignored the fact he had a girlfriend and just frollocked. And no matter how wrong it all was I still find my mind sometimes going to the good times, the times when he put me first and those times do bring a slight warm feeling inside.

I dunno, I really feel like it's all taken it's toll on me of late. I've lost my wild side, the side that didn't care, out of the blue I seem to have grown a conscience and although it's very pricipled of me because of this conscience I've not had proper physical contact with a man for what seems like toooo long and I tell you my loins are beginning to ache.

1. I don't go clubbing anymore because it's full of drunks that just leach on you and they're not the type of guy I want anymore.

2. The majority of my friends are settling down and have mortgages and are being sensible and I'm renting on my own thinking I'll never be able to afford to buy while on my own.

I feel like maybe I'm growing up and half of me wants too, but the other half misses the wild side and although the wild side is missed I feel if I keep it I might miss getting something more beneficial however, there is nothing beneficial around so now I just think maybe I should go back to my wild side but to be honest at this moment in time....

I just want to make out with someone, anyone - i'm not fussy.

No Fair

It’s not fair…..

Best Friend is on honeymoon and…

Jerk Boy has gone on holiday for 2 weeks…

I have a lot more friends than just those 2 I’m not some hermit, but they’re the 2 I trust the most.

Best Friend – I can go to in a dilemma
Jerk Boy – I chat to on a daily basis.

Having both these people away at the same time makes me actually feel very lost and a little lonely.

In other news, Climber Dude has returned from his latest adventure – I emailed him to see if he fancied meeting up to tell me all about it and he said “yeah, he’ll look forward to seeing me soon”.

That’s crapness – I mean usually he would have replied with a list of dates he’s free, but ‘seeing me soon’ implies he has no intention of arranging anything. I don’t care to be honest I’ve never really been into him but his change of attitude frustrates me a bit.

I don’t like Best Friend and Jerk Boy being away at the same time – I miss them.

apprehensivenessness.

Me and Teddy are flirty emailing each other. Only another 49 days to go until he arrives in the UK. He's in Finland at the moment!!

Oh why is this the highlight of my life and why do I call him my "Playmate" when lets face it, the amount I go on about this guy I obviously want a heck of a lot more.

Settling down

My new privacy controls have good points and bad points. The good points are I am no longer stressing about friends and family finding this blog. Even if they do recognise my profile pic haha they will never know what I write here - Great I can write about them to my heart's content. And that's another benefit I can slate or not slate my friends as much as I want. The downside is though that it's slightly more difficult to get more readers but I'm pretty happy with you sexy mamas at the moment so we'll see how that goes.

Anyways, it was Best Friends wedding this weekend. That's right she's a married lass no longer a miss and I was a beautiful bridesmaid, yes I am allowed to blow my own trumpet - the day was long and fairly stressful for me. I think I was more stressed than the bride but once the dancefloor was opened I completely let my hair down. One person asked me if it felt strange with Best Friend now married and I had to say "No" it felt strange when her and her fiance got engaged because that was when the whole we can't be players together anymore hit home, I mean me and best friend used to get the guys on their knees. However, I'd pretty much prepared myself for this day and it didn't feel one bit strange - in fact I felt overjoyed for best friend that she'd found her true love and knowing that she too was a girl like what I am gave me some hope that maybe one day I'll find my true love. Altho weddings are HARD WORK!! So, I might just sneak off and do it in private somewhere, I've always thought that it was the marriage that counted anyway.

I'd had a lot to drink by the end of the night - Jerk Boy bought me a drink and when it turned up it was almost an empty glass it was apparently a rum and coke the only issue is the coke was practically non existent so I reckon it was straight rum and Jerk Boy told me I had to down it - oh the warm fuzzy heart burny feel I had after that went down. However, I wasn't as drunk as the brain who stared at me so much the whole night that people who don't even know, about the fact he gave me his number a few years back, noticed - OK so he was completely wasted but I tell you what it's the second time I've made that boy's chin hit the floor in a matter of weeks - pay back feels sooo good - and I happily didn't say a single word to him all night - it felt so good.

Best friend looked stunning - I can't even describe how chuffed I was to be part of her day!