I'm sad.

I miss him today. I really miss him. Work has been dead and my mind has been occupied with him. I deleted some of the pics I had of him on my work computer thinking that if I delete them I can't look at them but it was so tough. God I miss him.

Venge hun I don't know if I am gona be able to go the whole day without contact - you should be proud of yourself going 4 whole days because it's not easy, it's not easy at all!

I'm gona get there.

Player still hasn't got in contact with me which was frustrating. However, last night I went round a friend's place and her marriage has just come to an end. Anyway, she doesn't know about Flatmate but she said she was up for doing something a bit different this weekend and we ended up on the computer booking tickets to a comedy club this Friday night - they basically have a stand up comedy set and after a 70s, 80s and 90s disco, you know it sounds cheesy as a mexican dish but it's also going to be a good way to be out of the house Friday night so Flatmate can't catch up with me. I plan on having a heap of fun.

I logged on to msn last night before going to bed but stayed as invisible and low and behold Flatmate was on there but I logged straight off I didn't want to talk to him, so that's 2 whole days with no contact. I think I deserve a medal people - after over 3 months of every day contact 2 days of no contact is quite an achievement.

Pick up your phhhooonnneeeee!

I didn't speak to Flatmate at all yesterday. I'm very proud of me I feel like I am doing well for the stage I'm at. However, I've already realised that this weekend is going to be really tough. Basically most Friday night Flatmate spends with me however, the last few he's been cutting them short to see her so I've been getting pissed at him. That's kind of how the whole 'just' friends thing happened.

So, I actually had a weekend away booked with about 10 of my friends this weekend, all travelling North for 8 hours for some mad road trip. Sounded really fun, however, I told them I couldn't make it (because I clearly thought I'd be spending the Friday night with Flatmate and at that point I didn't want to miss that). Anyway, they filled my place with someone else arrgghh. So now the majority of my friends are away and I am gona be stuck at home for the whole weekend ALONE! You know that's a disaster waiting to happen, knowing me I'll end up contacting Flatmate. So I have an alternative plan.

About 6 years ago, I met a guy, we will call him Player because he is a huge player. He knows I think he is, I tell him to his face. Anyway, to get to the point Player doesn't live in my city, I met him when he came to work in my city for 3 months on week days then during the weekends he'd go home. He was friend of a friend of mine and during those 3 months we spend quite a bit of time together, I'd just broken up with a bloke I was seeing on and off for 3 years and Player was a great distraction. He obviously didn't know many people in my city, my time had suddenly gotten a lot freer so we spend a fair few week day evenings together - going to the cinema, having dinner together (because he was living in a hotel). To cut story short he was great company for those few months and we somehow managed to become really great friends and when I say friends I actually mean friends - absolutely no funny business at all.

He's recently bought a new house in the city he lives in and for the last few months has been trying to get me to go visit for a weekend and I've always said I will be have never gotten round to it. So I figure this weekend is the perfect weekend to get away from Flatmate and to distract myself why my mates are all living it up on their weekend away. So, I've been practically calling Player constantly and guess what.... He's no answering his phone, usually when he doesn't answer he calls me back within 24 hours. He hasn't so now I'm stressing I really need that weekend away this weekend. Grrr why wont he answer.

I'm ok...

Things are ok at the moment. I spoke to Flatmate last night and things were ok afteral we are "trying" this friend thing so I'd planned to pop online and see if he was on there before I went to bed and he was. We had a conversation how was your day etc, then I wanted to keep it short because I didn't want us to get into some long d&m we couldn't so I told him I was logging off and going to bed and he was like no don't go you've only just go here, and I was like no it's late I need to go to bed and he was like no you're hardly even talking to me I want you to stay and I ended up saying I'll stay online 5 more minutes but then I am going to bed. Why does he have to do that to me, why does he have to make me stay and talk to him. Anyway I kept my word smack bang when 5 minutes was off I logged off. I'm not gona go online before bed tonight I've decided even tho we're "trying" this friend thing, talking daily is probably not wise. See I really am doing well (for me).

Now I need a list of things to do - I already got out of the office at lunch time to go and people watch at the local cafe. I love people watching and it's one of those things that takes my mind off my own life and on to other peoples as I imagine where they might be going or where they've just come from, what they're discussing with a friend that is making them laugh. To be honest it's a great way of escaping your own thoughts so....

My List

1. When thoughts start spinning round your mind find somewhere to people watch

2. Do more exercise - I don't know why this is important but if I am thinner without him than with him I feel like I've achieved something plus if I exercise for a bit then I have to shower therefore taking up more time doing stuff and less time being tempted to see or contact him

3. Openly chat to guys (I've never really had a problem with this) but when I felt like Flatmate was a part of my life I kind of lost contact with a lot of my guy friends so I've already tried to get back in contact with some of those.

4. I want to do something crazy *insert crazy thing here*

Help me with my list...

I just want to stop crying.

Trying to sleep last night was hell. It didn't help that it had suddenly gotten extremely cold but I couldn't get Flatmate off my mind which truly sucked. I was suppose to have lie in today but the bed felt cold and I felt alone. very alone.

As I was led in bed thinking, I suddenly re-called some similar emotions to these when Jerk boy was involved - if you get chance go back and read this post it's a bit strange looking back now. So, I know I've overcome silly situations before I just feel like I was a heck of a lot stronger than and as you read up overcoming that situation took a bloody long time.

Anyway, Jerk Boys been going through some stuff with a girl he liked and he'd been texting me heaps - then over Easter I went away with Jerk Boy and some friends (not flatmate) anyway, me and Flatmate had kept things completely between us but when on holiday Jerk Boy picked up my phone and read one of my texts and basically knew there was something going on and hinted to me all week about it. I refused to tell him anything. However, the other night I was out with Jerk Boy and he was like "what's the latest with Flatmate?" and I said to him "nothing and we're not gona talk about it" it's just I didn't want people knowing I was seeing a taken guy.

So last night I text Jerk Boy saying "You'll be pleased to know I've ended things with Flatmate tonight, I know you knew about us"

He responded "weldone I'm proud of you - you will be fine we both will one day but in our separate ways *wink*" I can't believe he added that. Flipping heck does he think I'm still into him, if he knew how cut up I am about the Flatmate situation he'd be in shock. He doesn't know the half of it. I wouldn't go back there with him, it took me long enough to get over his screwing me about the first time.

Anyway, rant over. I should try and get some more sleep I am gona be tired today :(

I've kind of done it!!

kind of being the word!

Online tonight we had it out about the row the other night. He basically said he's fed up of how cranky I've gotten lately and I basically said well at one point you put me before Gifty and now I feel like you cut me short for her. So after ALOT of talking and I mean ALOT of talking we've come to the decision to "TRY" being "FRIENDS". I pointed out that we've tried that before and failed miserably and he pointed out that we tried completely cutting each other off before and failing miserably too.

So we are going to try to be "friends" if we can't then we'll cut each other out completely. At least that's the plan from here. So who knows what will happen. However, I've decided that it means that if I am out I wont cut my evening short if he wants to see me (like I have done previously), I also wont stay in and not do something because he wants to see me, I will date other people because as we're "just friends" then that shouldn't matter.

So the way I see it, is Gretta is back. I am relieved but I am also hurting, I think I'd much rather be more than friends and have him end things with Gifty but that didn't even come up in conversation :(.

So friends it is - please support me in this coz I know it's gona be tough to "just" be his friend when I care for him so much.

I need advice

I've written a letter to Flatmate but as yet I've not sent it! I am clearly umming and ahhing and knowing me will probably chicken out from the fear of being rejected. However, I've posted the letter below and would love some advice! Girls I am sure some of you have been in the same situation and can tell me if it's the right or wrong thing to do. Boys I know it's intense and if you received a letter like this you'd probably run a mile but he's the one that has told me I am perfect for him and one day he'd like to marry me, so if that's not intense I don't know what is???? Anyway, I am not gona send it yet - so all advice welcome. You can call me a crazy loon too for the fun of it.

________

Hi Flatmate

There was always going to come a time when I had to write this. I just guess I didn’t expect it to be now!

In December I met the most amazing guy I wish I wasn’t flirting with your flatmate when we met and I wish you didn’t have a girlfriend of 2 years. You think with all this against us we would have known better - we didn’t.

I never ever thought things between us would turn out the way they have or be THIS good. I never thought I’d open my heart up to you and let you in – at the time I never thought I’d open my heart to anyone, and I didn’t even think you’d want to walk in so it took me more than a little by surprise when I realised I’d let you get so close to me.

There is nothing I want more than for us to share our lives together – I am scared at how much I think about you when you’re not around and how when I am somewhere new or having a good time how much I wish you were with me sharing it too when you're not there.

This is the hard bit though. I am so close to giving you my whole heart. Something I’ve never given to anyone. Yet something restricts me and I am secretly glad it’s restricting me because I know the same thing restricts you too. Every time I know you’re with Gifty it hurts me. You being with her hurts me, I hate the way we have to cut our time short because you’re planning to spend time with her or when she randomly turns up at your place and suddenly you have to disappear leaving me feeling guilty and in the wrong. I know you know how it makes me feel because you see how sad I look and my face you can read like a book (unfortunately). These things also make me a little resentful, bitter and slightly angry inside more-so at myself than anyone else and then I realised those things aren’t loving characteristics.

If Gifty is in the picture I can never fully give my heart to you and you can’t give your heart to me either. I can’t imagine my future without you in it. Yet if you are unable to end things with Gifty, I can’t share my future with you.

At this moment in time I don’t know what to do I don’t want to lose you but I don’t want to be second best either – I figure there is 2 choices. You can either: 1. end things with Gifty and commit to me fully and we’ll risk it all to see if this works or you can 2. end things with me and walk out of my life – so I can get over you. I am not feeling strong enough to walk out of your life I did it before and couldn’t hack it – so if you choose the second option it’s your turn ;).

You’re still that amazing guy that walked into my life back in December and then over those months we just got closer and closer and the closer we got the more I respected, valued and cared for you. I clearly want you to stay in my life, but if you choose to leave I won’t think any less of you – it was my fault to have let you into my heart in the first place.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to write – I’m laying my heart on the line and telling you how it is – I’d willingly give you all if you were able to give me all and by laying my heart on the line I know I risk the chance of it being broken. I really do have faith that we can make this work but it’s not going to if I feel rejected and hurt every time you choose Gifty over me. I hope you don’t think any less of me but things can’t stay as they are. I hope you understand.

Now I guess I’ll leave you to think on that – I’ll be waiting for you decision so if you could get back to me that would be great.

Gretta

p.s – I love you

Oooopz! Free weekend now then..

After the slightly pissed state of yesterday me and Flatmate had an argument. He didn't even realise I'd been drinking. My I must have held it together well because reading my previous post cracked me up.

So yeh, the row - it kind of went like this

Flatmate: I'm not gona be about for long

Gretta: Shock Horror

Flatmate: What's the suppose to mean?

Gretta: It means the our Friday night dates always seem to get cut short lately

Flatmate: Hmmm you're in a bad mood

Gretta: Look you're right you may as well just go and I am gona go to bed (the room was spinning)

Flatmate: Well, I'll see you in the morning

Gretta: You know I think I might be busy in the morning lets catch up in the week sometime.

and that was that. I was tempted to text him today apologising but then I thought what the crap - why should I apologise he's the one who wanted to give me scraps of his time before he had to see his girlfriend. I know, I need to end things, I know I just can't right now. I am not sure what next week is going to hold, I am in for a Flatmate free weekend - so anyone want to join me for wine and a movie?

Totally drunk friday!

So, Gretta has been drinking! Bad move I think, well I don't really know I guess I'll find out by how many typose are here tomorrow hyh!

Right from the beginning - last time I felt this drunk was well 2006 ON holiday! So I drink fairly frequently but as it goes I hate this drunken feleling I like to get tipsy and then ahve that kind of gooey high for a while. The whole druken thign kind of makes life a little difficult = not only life but typing too.

I am waiting for Flatmate = he should be here. I guess he is making me wait which suckes!


and it might not be a bad thing he hasn't seem me like this before! The last time I was like this was in 2006 on holiday! I've said that alaready haven't I?

hMMMM i THINK oh silly caps I have.

OK so last time I was like this it was Jerk boys fault but indirectly his fault because he didn't hold the alcohol to my lips and make me drink - no I succeeded in doing that all by myself but I remember sticking up for him when the person I was with was slating him and during sticking up for him I suddenly got tearful but not a sad tearful a drunkard tearful. Hmmm I am not thinking about Jerk Boy tonight tho so that's ok!!!!!!!

NOW WHERE IS FLATMATE?

One foot in front of the other

Things in my life have come to a bit of a standstill of late! I feel like I’m not moving forward very fast.

My job is quite stale – we have nothing exciting happening and with summer fast approaching it’s probably going to be pretty quiet from not until September. Not that that is a bad thing some days I can be so snowed under that I forget to eat and then there is the late night work meetings – I wont miss them over the summer. Still feel like nothing’s happening though - I think I'd prefer things busy.

Then there is Flatmate, I know I’ve been pretty naïve about the whole situation I guess I kind of hoped he would have ended things with Gifty by now. I can’t believe this whole thing has been going on since February!!!! That’s a long time for me and I already know I am getting in deeper than I feel comfortable. Again I am looking for my fire exits and escape routes. It’s really hard tho, I am just not sure I am able/strong enough to end things with him right now. I also fear giving him an ultimatum – me or her? Because if he chooses her with me knowing he never sees her and when he does doesn’t have much fun will only make me question what the fuck is wrong with me? and I just can’t handle doing that right now. Maybe in time I’ll be strong enough to deal with it all - yet right now I'd rather ignorantly ignore.

So at the moment I dont feel like I am stuck in the past, but nor am I moving on to the future. I just feel stuck in this moment and I really am unsure how to take the next step.

Let the (mind) games begin...

I almost blew my top with Flatmate! We were online chatting I was at work and he was at home and I had his webcam on so I could see him and we were chatting away like we usually do then all of a sudden he says "I've gotta go bye" and logs off quicker than I can click my fingers!

Then about 30minutes later he reappears and I was like "what the heck happened one minute we're in a d&m next second you're a goner" now I know full well there would only be one reason for him to leave that quickly in the middle of what we were talking about and that 1 thing would be Gifty his girlfriend.

So, then he comes up with this crap "well I heard someone scream so I put on my super costume to go to their rescue"

I was like "flatmate tell me - I really hate you hiding stuff from me"

he replied "if I tell you I might have to kill you i have superpowers"

I then got slightly agitated I am not actually that bothered about him seeing her what bothers me is when he lies to me about it. So far he has been completely open with me I know he lies to her but he is always honest with me and as soon as he starts lying to me is when the problems start so I continued to nagg "if you can't tell me what made you disappear in such a hurry this is going to be where our problems start you know I've always wanted you to tell me the truth no matter how much the truth might hurt me"

Flatmate responds "ok I'll tell you - Gifty showed up completely unannounced on the way to her rehearsal - I wasn't expecting to see her at all this week so it was just a bit of a shock"

Finally he spat it out "that wasn't hard to tell me was it and I'm not stupid I knew she'd be the reason you would rush away from me without a proper goodbye!"

"if you knew why did you ask the question you're just playing mind games with me"

You know what maybe I was playing mind games but the minute that boy starts lying to me is the minute I get mad - he's always told me straight out before so he seriously considered not telling me that and ok so yeah before the point Gifty turned up we were in a deep conversation but gees no matter waht I need him to tell me the truth.

RANT OVER.

Guess who's been in touch???

After 2 emails and 1 text later...

Teddy has finally contacted me and low and behold he is now unsure if he is going to visit in July. I am pissed with him. I've spoken to my boss to say I am gona need some time off work in July to go and spend time with Teddy (the guy who treated me so nice I didn't ever want to let him go and wouldn't have if it weren't for the fact I met him while travelling). Now he is unsure he is visiting.

I've been discussing the strangeness and infrequency of his emails with close friends and we have been over anlysing as usualy and my friends think he could be married or in a very long healthy relationship. Altho use "healthy" as you will! It's thrown a spanner in my works really. I am already in trouble with one guy who has a girlfriend I can't handle 2 taken guys... I will begin to think it's me with the problem getting attracted to taken guys! It is funny though isn't it how taken guys seem to know how to treat a lady better than a single guy? I guess it's coz they ahve had plenty of practise!

Flatmate and I are still on, he's hardly gona see Gifty at all this week and I've come to realise he is spending more time with me then he is with her, so I don't feel so much like the other lady at the moment, more like the main one. Hmmm.. Interesing thought.

I should do work I get so distracted when the boss isn't around!!! lol.

Intensity!

I'm in so deep with Flatmate that it's pretty scary stuff. We got into this deep and meaningful last night I am not sure how we got there but the end of it is I spilled some stuff to him about my past that I've only ever shared with my bestest girly friend in the whole world!!

He was really good about it and very supportive. In my past I had a bit of an abusive situation going on with a family member and it is something that should have screwed me up but actually I just take it as a part of my past and it can stay there. I'm not hung up about it and I don't want him to be and he said he wasn't but you know what girls are like we over analyse things and now I just want to know what he's thinking.

He was grateful I shared it with him and I trust him with that information but it's not something I talk about or share often and thankfully he didn't ask me heaps of questions about it - I just can't help but wonder if I did the right thing. I feel like I've given him a part of me that no one else knows about and he can't even give himself to me fully because of his gf.

Anyway, he hasn't mentioned his girlfriend to me since last week but I didn't see him much over the weekend so I am assuming he was with her, altho he was out with his lads mates Saturday night and ohh I was a sook missed him like crazy stuff!

Right off for me!!

Spilling the beans.....

Everything in this blog I am assuming you already know, however I am going to share it anyway. My name is not Gretta James, this is my alias as the title of my blog is "My Secret Life" and it's a secret life for a reason. If anyone I write about were to read it I could be in BIG trouble. I nickname everyone in my blog, and none of them know of these nicknames or of this blog. I have another blog which the majority of people I mention in this blog read regularly, however I don't have an alias in that blog. I am me, a different girl, a secure girl.

I started this blog as away of being someone I wasn't, someone completely opposite to who I am, someone who allows their imagination to go wild without worrying about the consequences. Until I started this blog, I never viewed myself as having a double life, or having too many secrets. However, it soon became obvious there were things I wanted to write down that I couldn't on my day to day blog taht my friends, family and close people read... FUNNY THAT. Funny how I am willing to share with strangers my deepest fears, thoughts and circumstances yet the people I am closest too I would dread them knowing.

Over the few years, I've become rather fond of Gretta, she's a little naughty something the real me rarely is. However, the real me is probably the me that wont screw my life up or other peoples. So I kind of like me too.

You might be thinking this is a goodbye blog. IT'S NOT. It's more of coming clean blog, as in a sense this blog is a part of my secret! And this is where I share my secrets.

However, you probably already knew all that! You're pretty smart and I loves ya xx

Gretta James xx

There's a reason I call him...

... Jerk Boy

And today, once again he reminded me why! THAT BOY.

He's back baby :>

It's good to have Flatmate back, he's been very attentive. I guess he feels bad about leaving me for a week. If he would insist on going away with his girlfriend. It's strange though, I know that his primary love language is quality time, and we chat A LOT and I had quite a big fear, hence the need for the controls I guess, that with him away with Gifty he'd fall in love with her all over again and when he got back he wouldn't want a thing to do with me. Yet since getting back he hasn't seen her at all and now can't seem to get enough of me. The hunky goofball seems to have missed me.

I don't really understand the relationship him and Gifty have, the amount of times he's told me he's come so close to breaking things off with her and not. They row a lot and he always says he likes the fact that we don't argue. It's really strange if 2 people can just hit it off from the outset and not seem to ever get on each other's nerves it's me and Flatmate. He does get cranky from time to time, I call it his time of the month, but thing is when he's cranky he just makes me laugh... I know he gets a little annoyed at that but eventually he sees the funny side too. In fact when he is cranky it's usually all to do with Gifty coz she's upset him about something or other.

The thing is no matter how much they row, how much she makes him cranky, he's still with her, and I just don't know why!

_____

Jerk boy wants me to go on a day trip with him for this interview he has. He wants me to book the time off work, the pain is though that I am suppose to be at a training course! I've asked my boss for the day off as holiday and when it comes to booking the training course I have hopefully conveniently double booked myself! The things I do for Jerk Boy, even now sometimes I have to wonder if he ever had feelings for me. He seem to rely on me quite a lot, he can't even go to an interview in a different city alone, he needs me to boost his ego for him. It doesn't matter if he doesn't get it - it's not like he's unhappy. Plus i think I'll be a little upset if he goes. I don't think I have anything to worry about.

Timeeeeeeytime

Flatmate text me earlier, he's back. He said he'd see me this evening but as yet I haven't heard a thing!

Who cares..

Jerk Boy text me several times earlier - a few months ago I filled in an application form for him at work. Turns out he has a first interview. Now he's wondering what the heck I wrote on the application form. I am wondering what I wrote on it - I can hardly recall. I do how remember that I had to use 10 different words that describe Jerk Boy and in them I definitely added - Cocky, Funky and mischevious.

It was an odd application - I never thought he'd hear back, I don't think he did either.

Oh and Teddy has disappeared AGAIN, 2 emails and 1 text later and still nothing. That boy is gona get my fury.

Gretta has the controls.

Flatmate has gone away this weekend with his girlfriend! As you can imagine that hasn't really gone down too well with me.

Yet it's funny I thought I'd miss him more, last time we were apart I missed him like crazy almost instantly, this time is different this time I am not so bothered.

He text me last night and I replied only because he text me. I've decided (even tho it is extremely tempting) that I wont text him while he is with her. I don't want to cause a row. Altho he has only text me once I can see him now getting more and more insecure about the fact that I've not text him, thinking why haven't I, pondering in his mind whether things will be "okay" between us when he gets back. That's another reason I am not texting him, I know that his thoughts are enough to freak him out and for the first time in ages, I feel like I have the upper hand. That for once he's gona be the one needing me and not the other way round.

Now I have a some friends coming over tonight, so I think I'll celebrate with some wine! Sounds like a plan.

It's good to have you back

Hi Venge

This is for you sweetie.

I tried to access you blog but for some reason my computer was skitzing out on me. This seems to be common occurance these days! Anyhow - gee do I know I am playing with fire and most likely to get burnt.

I didn't purposely start playing around with someone else's man. Someone in the past has played around with my man and I hated it. And however cliche this may sound it really did "just happen".

We were mates, I was actually trying to help him sort out his relationship next thing I know we're caught up in each other. It really wasn't intentional but once it started it prooved more than just hard to put a stop too and believe me I've tried on many occasion.

Anyhow - I will figure it all out.

It really is great to have you back hun, you've been missed terribly by me. I've had no one to keep me in check.

xxxx

Gretta

Double Darn

Me and Flatmate are up to no good again. Sheeeesh.

Like a slap in the face

It's finally hit me.

This Saturday, my someone, is getting married.

Wow. Wasn't I suppose to be the one marrying him? Wasn't I suppose to be part of his life? Wasn't it suppose to be me walking down the isle on Saturday? Wasn't it?

I knew the day he got engaged that this would be hard. However, I never quite thought that it would be this hard.

I am sat in my office, on my own (there is noone in today bar me) and tears are streaming out of my eyes. I feel so insecure and so confused.

I've been chatting to Flatmate. I know that I shouldn't but we're being good and just seeing how it goes as friends. However, chatting to him has just made me even more insecure. Why did he ever try it on with me when he has a girlfriend? and why hasn't he ended things with his girlfriend? are things with her really as bad as he has always told me? I am beginning to think not - he'll probably marry her.

The thing that makes it even more difficult is that I text Jerk Boy.

Jerk Boy and I will always be friends and he actually understands me when I get insecure. I mean is he really a guy? what guys understand girls when they get insecure? Well, Jerk Boy understand me.

I text him saying "I don't know what's wrong with me but I am feeling really insecure and low today. I just want to snap out of it I hate the insecure emotion" and he text me back saying "Go out at lunch time, get out of the office and go and get some sunshine, it is a bit nippy so wear your jacket". He knows what this office is like. It can be so depressing at times, definitely when noone else is in.

I took his advice - I went out at lunch and tried to enjoy the sunshine and I did. Yet when I get back I just slipped back into this depressive insecurity.

My Someone is getting married on Saturday, it's just sunk in and I feel like I've been slapped in the face.