Second Thoughts!!!

Last night I finally got around to texting Gary to try and sort out venue for our date on Saturday.

"Hi how are you? I'm not sure what food you like and remember you told me you were on a health kick. There is both a nice Mexican and nice Fish restaurant in town that do good lunch time deals - which would you prefer or if you have an alternative option you think would be nice that's cool, I like most foods - Gretta"

THEN THIS HAPPENED....

"Hi Gretta. Are you free Sunday instead? A friend is now visitng Fri and Sat. If not I'm sure I could still do Sat. I really like Mexican so my healthy eating will have to go out of the window for one day"

I WAS FUMING, IT'S TAKEN US HOW LONG TO GET THIS DATE. I JUST THOUGHT HE WAS PLAYING SOME KIND OF CRUEL GAME.

I rang Best Friend and asked what she'd do? She didn't really know, part of him sounds like he wants to go on the date the other part doesn't. I was just going to text back and say forget it, it's already taken over 2 weeks just to get a date after exchanging numbers.

Then my phone vibrates.

"Sorry Gretta, completely ignore that, Saturday at the Mexican is fine. See you then G x"

So, I figured he'd probably realised he was pushing his luck and he seems to have got is act together. Part of me was really excited by the fact that I'm going on my first proper date since CD, it felt right, it felt time, it felt good, but now I'm concerned that I've just managed to find myself another selfish man who wants to be in control and God forbid putting someone else first or thinking how hard it might be for them to have organised the date in the first place.

Ahhh well, lets see how it goes on Saturday.

The disasterous phone call!!!

A simple phone call, that’s all it should be a simple phone call. I make phone calls all the time, this one shouldn’t be any different. So, why does it not surprise me and nor I’m sure surprise you when I say this phone call was a disaster.

I was sat in my evening class when I started to feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. Dammit, it’s him I knew it would be him. This is getting ridiculous how many missed calls, voicemails, are we going to have to leave each other before finally booking this date.

Finally it was time to take a break, and without thinking which I figured was wise I decided to call him back there and then.

The phone rang, and it rang, and it.. He answered.

“Hello”

“Hi is that Gary? It’s Gretta”

“Oh hi”

*crackle crackle*

“I don’t think the reception is very good where I am”

“it could be my reception”

“So how was your day?”

“Yeah it was a good day, although fairly quiet this afternoon which was nice – how was yours did you manage to do some surfing?”

“Surfing? No no surfing apart from the web of course” Gretta you stupid girl of course he meant surfing the web why would he think you were surfing on a Monday afternoon!

“Did you see the news article that was on this website?” see Gretta he totally meant surfing the net.

“Ahh no but I did read an article about the same thing”

“he he”

*awkward silence*

Ok now I don’t know what to say, it’s still silent, why isn’t he asking me out, oh crap I need to get back to my course my break is over. I better break this awkward silence and I better rush the call.

“So did you want to meet up?”

“Yeah sure”

*another awkward silence* help me out here man

“So when are you free?” blooming heck I’ve gone into Gretta organising mode this isn’t good I need to let him do something.

“I can do Wednesday evening, yeah Wednesday evening will be good or Saturday afternoon?”

“I can’t do Wednesday evening, that’s really not a good evening for me”

and I need to get back to my course

“but I can do Saturday before 4pm I’ve got to be somewhere at 4pm, how about doing lunch on Saturday” lunch? Lunch? we’re supposed to be going for a casual drink, where did blooming lunch come from I don't enjoy eating in front of people I don't know???

“Yeah ok lunch on Saturday, this is going to sound really ungentle manly but you probably know places to eat in this city a little better than me so do you know of anywhere we can go”

I have to get back to my course, I should be in my course now.

“Tell you what I’ll find somewhere and then I’ll let you know, right so I’ll see you Saturday for lunch”

“yep cool I just have to remember to get out of bed”

“yes you better remember to get out of bed” Gretta you idiot did you just come across as demanding

*awkward chuckle on the other end of the line*

“Bye”

“Bye”

Why did I not tell him at the beginning of the conversation I was ringing him on the break of a course and had to get back? The longer the conversation went on the more I thought I couldn’t tell him for some odd reason, this made the phone call rushed and me completely controlling it and oh my goodness how in one conversation did I manage to assume that he was asking me if I had been surfing, then how pushy did I sound when I asked him if he wanted to meet up, then how did I manage to change a casual drink into food, and volunteer myself to find the venue, and then to top things off I came across as controlling and demanding definitely at the end of the call. I don’t even know why he wants to go on a date with me, if I were him I’d be scared and also thinking this girl is going to eat me alive.

Which actually I guess could be a possiblity.

Trying to impress!

I called him back and this time I got his voicemail. It seems we're playing voicemail tennis.

Anyhow, the good thing out of all of this is that I'm finally trying to sort out my car. What does that mean, it means my car I've been using as a bin. I never minded so much with CD because his car was crap but this guy says he drives a porsche so it's made me decide that I should at least spruce my car up a bit.

My car has been on my to do list since July and I'm finally doing it. I found an empty can of redbull and 2 empty packs of harribo in the passenger well clearly CD had a habit of using my car like a bin too.

Really I need to date guys who don't drink redbull taht should have set the alarm bells off well early on in the relationship.

The phone is ringing!

He called.

However, I was on the phone when he called. So, he left a voicemail. I've called him back and now I got the voicemail.

He sounds nice so I've decided when we actually get through to each other. I'm going to go on a date with this guy.

Give me one good reason why I shouldn't?

Men are from Mars

Over the last few weeks I have come to the realisation that I don't understand men..... At all.

I thought I understood them a little bit, I thought sometimes I could dicipher their words and actions to some extent. However, it would seem I was wrong.

I as a female am not silly enough to believe a man will call when he say's he'll call unless he's really interested. Yet, when a man says he'll call, but then doesn't call but then sends a message saying he's really sorry he hasn't called and will call in the next day or two, then I as a female think "ok he is going to call" but then he doesn't call. To me that makes no sense, fair enough not calling, but don't then send me an apologetic message saying you are going to call and then not call.

I as a female foolishly believe a man when he says he's going to do something for me. I believe it will get done. I don't necessarily account for the amount of time it might take between asking and then it being done and I don't necessarily account for the possibility it might never get done at all even if the man has said he'll do it and therefore end up having to do it myself.

I as a female don't think it's a smart move to spend any alone time with an ex, it doesn't matter if you're an ex from 1 month ago or 5 years ago. I'm more than happy to spend time within a group of friends with an ex, but I don't think alone time is appropriate. Yet, some men think it's perfectly acceptable to spend alone time with an ex. I as a female don't see the wisdom in it.

I as a female sometimes forget that a man is a man and when I talk to them in great depth about my man problems, my periods, my make-up and hair disasters I think they're interested. I expect them to show empathy to my situation but when they get a bit annoyed and tell me they don't have time for it and they'd rather go to sleep I struggle to understand why they're not responding as a woman would respond.

So, here I am pondering the bizarre events that have happened over the last few weeks and as I ponder I've found myself at a conclusion.

And I conclude that I don't understand the male of the species and I suspect I never will.

The waiting game!

Men

They just seem to be frustrating me at the moment.

Gary, who is the guy that I was getting on so well with on the dating site, asked if we wanted to meet up, I gave him my number for him to call me to arrange meeting up.

Excellent I thought I could really do with a date.

Then 5 days later I get an email "sorry I haven't called yet I've been really hectic. Hopefully you still want to meet up if so I'll give you a call either today or tomorrow.

First off what happened to the 3 day rule, he decided to completely ignore it. However, he apologised and as that's something some men find difficult I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt and tried to reply completely bright and breezy saying.

"Hi Gary, that's cool give me a ring when you get chance over the next day or so and we'll get it sorted - Hope you're having a good week. Gret"

So, this evening I'm think he'll call.

NO BLOODY CALL. Ok so I know he said today or tomorrow but the guy has already taken 5 days since I first gave him my number. Part of me so wants to just go on a date to get back in the swing of things I don't care, but the other part of me thinks some guy that can't call clearly isn't that interested.

So, I guess I'll give it until tomorrow and if he doesn't call tomorrow, then that my dear Gary is that.

News...

I have some news.

CD is leaving.

Well, as long as his unpaid leave request from work is accepted.

I hacked into his email account (I know I shouldn't have done that).

But I read his sent items and as it happens he's planning on giving in a letter to his workplace today, requesting unpaid leave. His plan is to go and work in Ibiza for a season, and then maybe do some traveling. I think he wants to be away for a year or more all together.

Bizarre really because he contacted me yesterday, saying that one of the girls we met when we were away was having a party in London and did I want to travel by coach with him to London for this girls party. I replied a one word answer which was "no"!

I've come to the conclusion that alone time with an ex is never appropriate ever. Maybe he wants to make some sort of amends before he leaves. I don't really care.

I have mixed emotions about it all. I feel happy he's finally going to go traveling and work abroad which is one of his dreams, one that I was gona do with him at one stage, I'm glad he's finally doing it, I'm relieved I wont have to worry about bumping into him with our group of friends, I'm feeling like that's a good thing not having him around but also part of me is a bit sad. Sad that it ended this way, sad that I don't get to share his dreams with him. Sometimes I astound myself with my stubborn strength I portray to him, even if deep down I knwo the portrayal is untrue truth is I'm ridiculously weak, I'm being strong because I have to be because I know what's good for me, not necessarily because I want to be and it doesn't hurt me everytime I reject him.

Apparently if his work accept his request for unpaid leave he'll be leaving at the end of April. Roll on. May...

In other news I've given a guy my number from a dating site, I'm waiting for him to contact me now, he hasn't as yet, but he's the one that suggested meeting so I'm hoping he does call. I could do with a date just to give my mind something else to focus on.

A fine line.

I hate it. I hate what he's done to me. I hate it that I don't feel content in my life anymore. I hate that I feel lonely. I hate that I want a man in my life to stay. I hate that I feel empty and lost at times. I hate that I'm constantly seeking to take away the pain that seems to have been left.

I hate the fact that I loved him far more than he loved me. I hate the fact that I loved myself enough to walk away. I hate the fact that no matter how hard I try I still think of him daily. I hate it. I hate that when I think of being with another man I fear I will feel unfaithful. I hate that I committed to him in a way I'd never committed to anyone.

Someone once said if you think someone is worth breaking your heart over then you need to take that risk. They didn't tell me how much it would effect me when my heart broke. I feel black.

I just have to keep telling myself this

"It's better to have loved and lost than to live with a psycho for the rest of my life"

One day I might not feel like a part of me is missing. Wish that day would hurry up and come.

Gretta's dating agency experience.

I saw CD last night at the pub. It's the first time I've seen him in a social way in ages. It feels like it's getting easier, he still pinpointed me and asked me a question that he already knew the answer too but that's just him. I'm hoping he's going to go away this year, he's always threatened too and I'm hoping he'll go disappear some place else this year.

Anyway, I'm back on an online dating site and I'm talking to 3 men.

Man 1: We'll call him Trumpet player, he's in the RAF band or something which basically mean he plays the trumpet for the RAF. He lives about 3 hours away. He seems a bit serious, but looks very sweet.

Man 2: We'll call him a Doctor because he's a doctor, he's a short doctor, only an inch taller than me that turns me off big time, he also seems a little on the serious side he told me he is an anglican christian, I'm not really sure a christian is what I want but he's interesting to a degree. He lives about 2.5 hours away at present but is planning to move up North in October which will probably make him 5 hours away which isn't so good.

Man 3: We'll call Gary because that's his name, and he's the one I like the most, he's short, early 30s and into walking and surfing which are 2 things I want to do a lot more of. He was born in Scotland but has recently moved to my city. He works in Finance and when the company he worked for in Scotland started laying people off he headed to my city for work. He likes lots of similar stuff to me and just from sending 2 emails I'd say he sounds brilliant. I'm waiting for a reponse to my latest email and truth is I really hope I get it.

I was in contact with Teddy over New Year but that seems to have died down now. He said he wants to set me up with a friend of his, a friend that lives in Australia. I don't know what's wrong with him, I don't know how I've suddenly become someone he wants to set up with his friends. I don't know if he's telling me we have to let each other go, whether he's telling me I have to let him go, or whether he's telling me he's let me go, or whether he's telling me he's met someone else. Truth is we've never had each other since Australia so I don't know what he's trying to tell me but why set me up with a friend. Whatever he's getting at it can't be good.

As for the whole uni thing I should be sending off my application next week - I'm scared shitless.

Change

This is probably going to shock everyone. Well okay it might not shock a soul.

I've decided I'm bored. Bored of my life, bored of my job, bored of the same old same old.

This isn't just a new year resolution. I decided after CD and I broke up that my life had to change, that instead of embracing other people's dreams I needed to figure out what my dreams were.

Anyway, I still don't know but I've decided a change is needed. So first off I shocked my folks by telling them their daughter who had never considered uni previously because travel and boys consumed her life, is now 7 years too late considering university and asking for their support.

Second off I then told my friends who were equally as shocked

Third off I had to make a decision - I was tossing up Midwifery, Social Work and Nursing.

Midwifery has won and I've been filling in application forms and what not all over the Christmas break.

I have a slight problem. When I left school I studied a BTEC which is a qualification that is good enough to get me into Uni. The issue is it's in Animal Care which isn't necessarily an issue as it was full of science but I've never used the qualification since. I figure it was a 16 year old girls fad to care for animals.

Anyway, I've never been particularly academic, and it would require 3 years if not 4 (I may have to do an access course if they don't accept my btec in animal care) and it's a ridiculously huge step for me, but my life it needs to change.

I'm shit scared, I feel too old, I feel in adequate, but I'm determined to do this. It's time for a change and I know it.