No need to ask, I got you.

I went out with the guys tonight to the pub there was quite a crowd...

Best Friend
Best Friend's Hubby
Jerkboy
Musicman
Loud Girl
and
The Young One

Jerkboy was sat the otherside of the table so we didn't really chat that much. I'd picked Bestfriend and her hubby up because their car is in for a service.

In the car coming home her hubby was winding me up about Jerkboy.

Telling me that I should seduce him when we go on holiday together at the end of April, there is a group of 9 of us going to Cyprus at the end of April, it should be great. However, it's looking like Jerkboy and I may have to share a room.

Anyway, once again I try and explain that me and Jerkboy are just friends and actually Jerkboy will never be interested in me.

Then eventually I say look and try and understand.

"Jerkboy is one of my best friends, he is, and I can't lose him. I've already lost CD this year, and there is no way I could lose Jerkboy. And yes some people say best friends is the best basis for a relationship, and some people would look at Jerkboy and automatically assume we're an item, and yes at times I am not stupid enough not to see the potential that we'd have as a couple. I'm not. But... I can't lose him and even if he was interested which he isn't it would not be worth the risk. I need Jerkboy in my life, I'm not willing to get into a relationship with him."

In the words of Leona Lewis "a place to crash, I got you. No need to ask, I got you". That's Jerkboy, he's my safe place and I can't lose that, I can't lose what we have.

So there we have it, I do love Jerkboy, I'm not convinced it's romantic love, I'm not convinced it's fancy love, but I love him enough to know I don't want to wreck what we have by having a relationship, sex, couple intimacy. I'm happy without it, because as long as we're friends I'm happy.

In other news I really need intimacy and sex, it's been almost 6 months.

Saturday texts with JerkBoy

Gretta: It says on facebook that your night was bizarre last night - how come?

Jerkboy: Well, I went out with every intention of getting in at 8pm coz I had football this morning. Yet I ended up getting home at midnight. By the way I was wearing the shirt you like.

Gretta: Good choice, the shirt that makes your arms look hot.

Jerkboy: My arms aren't even that big, how was your night?

Gretta: Well, it would seem my night was more bizarre than yours. BestFriend got hit on by a lesbian and really didn't know how to handle it. She kept blushing.

Jerkboy: Now there's a story I need to hear.

I miss Teddy.

I'm having an "I miss Teddy" day today.

I just looked at the photos of us when I was in Australia and when he came to England.

He emailed me over the weekend, I love getting his emails but I also hate getting his emails.

They strike a cord in me, a cord that wants him to be in contact more, but knowing that if that was the case living life without him would be harder.

I just miss him sometimes.

I was speaking to a friend over the weekend and I was saying I think I've only ever truly loved two people CD and Teddy. And it's funny because CD has given me reason to break free from him but Teddy has never, once made me mad apart from lack of contact. Yet I think he keeps contact so rare to protect me which just makes me think he's even more brilliant.

Sometimes I wish I didn't but there's no denying that I do. I miss Teddy more than I've ever missed anybody.

What CD did next....

On Monday night I went out with the lady that CD lodges with and her friend. I got on really well with these 2 middleaged women when me and CD were together. We had a right laugh, they're like older versions of me, you know a little bit naughty but nice ;) ;).

Anyhow, I've been out with them a few times since breaking up with CD and they've alway mentioned him a little but they've been very aware of me and my feelings and didn't talk about him too much.

Unfortunately on Monday night CD was the main topic of conversation, I kept trying to change the subject but it just didn't work.

So I now know that CD applied for longterm leave from his job, but they refused him so now he's going to quit his job (he'll always be able to get a job). He's planning on going to Ibiza to party hard for the summer. Then he might stay in Ibiza and do some traveling from there, or he might see if he can join an aid organisation and do some aid work somewhere. They both said the same thing that he doesn't really seem to know what he's doing but he knows he has to go out into the world.

I know that his bestmate was hoping he'd get it on with one of the lady's daughters because if he had a girl in this city he'd have a tie to this city. However, the lady assured me her daughter wasn't at all interested. I didn't care either way.

To be honest at first I hated how open they were being about CDs life. I'd managed to avoid it for sooo long, but it's kind of given me some kind of closure. I may have been a party girl once but I'm not that girl now and there is no way I'd want to spend a summer in Ibiza. It made me realise that he is leaving, and there is a possibility that he might no come back.... I know he has a house in this city, but by renting it out it's covering it's mortgage so essentially it's just an asset. He doesn't have to come back to this city when he'd done "finding himself". If he meets a girl on his travels he can go anywhere he pleases.

At the end of the day he's going and I don't feel bad about the fact that I might never see him again. He's not in my life anymore and I'm not in his and it's been hard, but I'm slowly getting used to it and I'd go as far to say I'm just now beginning to like it - knowing that his dreams weren't my dreams and for him to have his dreams I'd have to have given up mine and he sure has heck wouldn't have done the same in return.

Maybe hearing about it all was good for me even though I like blocking it out, because by hearing I guess it's helped me accept it.

Ooooohhhh Arms!

Saw JerkBoy this evening first time since our (not) date on Sunday.

He was wearing a shirt I hadn't seen before, and what I hadn't noticed lately either were his arms. He has bulked up a lot. The thoughts running through my head, I've never once denied that I am an arm girl, I love a man with muscular arms, I'm not so worried about weight, he can be fat, thin etc, but I do like arms and thighs, and tonight I noticed JerkBoys arms. Oh yeah those thoughts that were running through my head, JerkBoy has always known I like arms, always it's never been a secret, when we worked together a guy with good arms walked in the office and I would blatently, unashamedly swoon.

JerkBoy knows this, and suddenly JerkBoy has swoon arms!!!!! When the heck did that happen and how did I miss it.

Anyways, as we were walking to the cars, he pulls out a receipt from his pocket

JerkBoy: OOooh Gretta look what I've just found

Then I realised what it was - the cinema ticket from Sunday.

Gretta: Just a memory of our romantic date ooppps I mean not date is it.

We both smiled and got in our cars.

I just can't work it out anymore, do fancy him, don't I fancy him? His arms are a lot more appealing now. Does he fancy me? Doesn't he fancy me? Or is he once again playing his JerkBoy games, he's done it before, is he starting to do it again?

Normality

Meeting up with The X today, was actually a really good thing for me. I probably wont see him again for a very long time but it was needed and good.

The X before CD.

Remember The X???? Probably not but you can read about him in a post here..

The X, gosh where do I start. Our story I guess ends up being fairly similar to mine and CDs, friends for ages before we got together, and then we got together and it turned into an on/off relationship, he cheated on me twice and I once again had to be the one with the guts to put an end to the relationship. However, it's not quite the same because I was young when I went out with The X and even though at the time I was smitten with him and though he might have been "The One". I was still very young, our relationshionship came to an end when I was 21 and that was over 6 years ago now so there's been a lot of time to move on.

Anyhow, The X is now married, living in a city about 2hrs away, and he tends to invite our group of friends over every now and then and the last time I saw him was before Christmas. He emailed me today (he's a teacher) and he said he's planning a trip to this city over half term to visit his parents and do I want to meet for a coffee and catch up.

In all other circumstances I would say no, if it was CD I would definitely say no, but The X and I, I don't know how we managed it but we're friends now, after everything, we're friends. And you know what right now I want and need his friendship.

So, I've agreed to meeting him for coffee and a catch up. My biggest fear is I think I'm at risk of being totally honest with him about everything. For some reason I don't mind him seeing my broken heart because even though he once let me down, now he's married I trust him.

Don't know what came over me..

I don't fancy JerkBoy.

I know this.

Why do I let other people's opinions affect how I think.

Definitely do not fancy JerkBoy.

Happy Valentine's Day

On Friday night I went out with Best Friend and another friend. Best Friend started telling this other friend how close me and JerkBoy are. Her description went a little like this...

"Gretta has this guy friend, and they have these private jokes that only they get, they spend hours talking on the phone, they laugh all the time, when they're in the same room the only attention they want is each others. When Gretta was going out with Climber Dude, Jerk Boy hated every second of it, openly disapproved in front of all her other friends. The way they are together, we all think they should just get together, they'd be brilliant together. The only issue with Jerk Boy is he seems to be looking for Miss Universe when He isn't Mr World and Gretta is pretty up there - no one understands it, or their friendship - if they just got it on it would work".

I found myself in a state of defence...

"I understand why all other friends would think that, I know that JerkBoy and I don't have the healthiest of friendships as in when I went out with CD I had to pretty much put a stop to it because I knew it couldn't continue, and I could see why everyone would think that we should just get it on, but we don't fancy each other".

Best Friend: Oh Gretta come off it you know as well as I do that if you guys got together it would work and it would be easy.

She's right, I know she is. Today (Valentine's Day) JerkBoy and I went to the cinema to watch Valentine's Day. In the queue waiting to go into the cinema. JerkBoy made an observation..

Jerkboy: Gretta, have you noticed how many couples are in this queue?

Gretta: Yeah there are loads

Jerkboy: look how miserable they all are, we're the happiest people here and we're not even a loved up couple.

Gretta: This is why non dates works, no awkwardness, no duty as the bf or gf, just friends borrowing each other on valentine's day - of course it works.

But I can't help thinking about his point, we were laughing, we were enjoying each other's company, and if it wasn't' for the lack of physical contact we could be easily mistaken for a couple truly in love.

I'm once again questioning my feelings and my friendship for/with JerkBoy. Does Bestfriend have a point? Truth is, it's not down to me, JerkBoy rejected me in the past and to be honest I think he sees me as just a friend. Maybe we're just friends, but maybe our friendship is just a bit too much.

My Old Faithful

JerkBoy is coming to the cinema with me on Valentine's day. I told him we're both single, I can't face a miserable valentine's day alone, and that we should go to the cinema together, to wollow in our single-self-pity and watch the film valentine's day. After some convincing he agreed.

Then he text me last night saying Gretta I hope you appreciate this but I just had an opportunity to take a hot girl out on a date on valentines day and I've turned her down for you.

Sometimes, I forget what a bloody good friend that boy has been. When CD and I split up the first time he came round, we drank bacardi, I cried, he just let me, and ended up sleeping over on the bedroom floor. The second time CD and I broke up I felt bad because I'd had to back away from JerkBoy I just didn't think it was right to be so close to JerkBoy when I was with CD. When CD and I broke up this time I felt I couldn't tell JerkBoy becasue I felt like I was using him. Then Jerkboy found out from a different friend and he came straight to me and said "Gretta why didn't you tell me" I explained that I didn't want to use him or come across as if I was using him and he was like "you stupid girl I don't think that way".

Jerkboy looks after me, he always has and I think he probably always will, I'm not quite sure how my future husband is going to deal with it, but right now my future hubby isn't in sight, so until he is I'm going out on valentines day with my old faithful, who I love, with all my heart, as a faithful friend.

Online Dating continuess...

So on the online site I met a South African guy. He kept emailing me and I thought he was a bit full on you know how South Africans can be. I know that’s a total generalisation but I think you get my jist. Anyway, I quite liked his persistence and decided if he mailed again I would respond. He’s actually good looking, working in computer programming and seems ok, just a little full on with the emails.

I eventually email him back and then we get chatting and we add each other on facebook, all going well. Then he just stops the contact. I email him and say so I haven’t heard from you for a few days are you not interested anymore, then he says he’s met a girl on a different dating site and feels it wouldn’t be right to continue chatting to me. Then he comes on facebook chat and says it’s early days with this other girl and although he said he didn’t think it would be right he still thinks I’m pretty and great and if I was happy to stay in contact with him then I could.

At first I thought he was really cheeky, but then I actually liked his honesty. I told him I liked his honesty and if things do get more serious with this girl then he need to be honest about it but I’ve decided to remain in touch with him, just in case things don’t work out with this girl, he really didn’t seem sure.

Now for the other guy he too lives about 2 hours away from me in an opposite direction and we’ve added each other on facebook, he’s got sticky outy ears, he’s ginger, he doesn’t look like a guy I would ever date, but we were chatting on facebook chat last night and I found him really funny. He actually seems sweet I just wish he lived a bit closer to me.

So, now what – to be honest I’m not sure this online dating thing is going to work for me but while I’m having fun, I’m going to keep it up.

Currently I’m trying to persuade JerkBoy to come to the cinema with me on valentines day to watch valentine’s day. He’s being a pain in the ass about it and not committing. I told him look I don’t fancy you jerkboy, I just want to not be home alone on valentine’s day and as you’ll be in the same position as me we should just do something. I think it makes perfect sense, I’m sure if it was any other day he wouldn’t hesitate. Silly boy!

Not this time

The date was a disaster.

The guy was a jerk

He was late, he didn't offer to buy me a drink, we'd arranged lunch but he didn't want to do lunch, to be honest he was a moron from the start. I don't really care what he thought about me.

I'm not sure what I make of this whole online dating thing.

Therapy (apparently this should help)

I've been told that I need to let go of all of the harshness and unforgiveness that I have in me over CD. So I've written a list. I doubt I'll ever give it to him but it's a good step for therapy (apparently).

I forgive you for telling me that you believed that we were predestined to be together

I forgive you for telling me you believed I was your life partner

I forgive you for telling me that you’re lost without me and feel empty

I forgive you for making me believe you loved me and that we had a future together when
neither were true

I forgive you for never buying me a bunch of flowers even though you knew they were something I wanted.

I forgive you for making me feel that I was at the bottom of a very long list of other priorities.

I forgive you for telling me I was inactive when all I wanted was a treacle sponge pudding

I forgive you for not supporting me in my dream of Prague when I’d done everything I possibly could to support you in your dreams, helped you move house, went to Ibiza to see what it was like, climbed mountains, wild camps and all I wanted was a weekend in Prague.

I forgive you for saying “that’s why I love you” when I was helping you decorate your house and when I pinched broccoli off someone’s plate when clearly you didn’t love me.

I forgive you for telling everyone in Ibiza that when I bend down my bum crack shows and you think it’s disgusting

I forgive you for humiliating me in front of other people in Ibiza by telling me in front of them that I looked desperate when I was only trying to promote our work.

I forgive you for spending more time with other girls than me in Ibiza making me feel insecure.

I forgive you for the fact you didn’t seem able to communicate with me the last 2 weeks of our relationship.

I forgive you for making me feel cheap when said you lusted after me but you didn't love me.

I forgive you for telling your mum that I am financially unstable.

I forgive you for being so self centred about your dreams that you never asked me about mine.

I forgive you for belittling me when I accidentally dropped a plate of food.

I forgive you for all of the hurt that was caused.

I forgive you for all of the lies and all of the mean things that were said above and done above.

I’m sorry for all of the things I said during the time we were breaking up I know I was harsh.

I’m sorry for not being as supportive as I could have been.

I’m sorry if I was too demanding of your time making you feel over busy and losing your sense of spontaneity.

I’m sorry if you felt I didn’t respect you. I did.

I’m sorry for all of the harsh words I’ve spoken about you since breaking up.

I’m sorry for anything that I’ve said or done that you need to forgive me for.