Have you ever needed someone so much that it hurt you?

Ever needed a man to take your hand in his and place it on his beating heart so you can feel that he’s living, that he’s breathing and that he’s all yours.

I feel like that today!

Sometimes I hate the fact that Flatmate has a girlfriend, I hate that I am not the number one girl in his life, I hate that fact that I am not all his and that I have to share him with someone else. I never let on to him that I feel that way but sometimes I do.

I had an email from Teddy the other day, and he’s still planning on visiting in July, suddenly it didn’t feel right meeting up with him because of Flatmate however, I figure I still should. I mean Flatmate has a girlfriend, I am single why should I not go out and date potentials?

I got a wedding invite from my someone the other day. I can’t go to his wedding. I knew I’d get an invite but there is no way on this earth I can attend. However, I wish him all the best. He really is a true angel.

God I need Flatmate, I need to feel his skin on my skin, I need to taste his lips on my lips, I need to run my fingers through his soft dark blonde hair and gaze constantly into his hazel eyes, I need him to run his hands all over my body and to leave me weak. I need him and I want him right here, right now.

With or without I'm safe.

The situation with Flatmate got slightly more intense today. He said that him and Gifty (his girlfriend) have been discussing breaking up and it looks like they're going to. He's made it pretty clear he wants me. I want to give him some time to move on from Gifty I do but at the same point I actually have warmed a lot to Flatmate. I thought because he had a girlfriend he was a safe option and nothing could get serious between us and things would jsut run smoothly forever, ignoring the guilt. However, recently I've gotten quite jealous when I know he's with Gifty and not chatting to me. It's been a lot harder than I ever imagined. The thought of him being single, with nothing to stand in our way should freak me out but it doesn't. I think I may want him, and even without Gifty I think he's safe.

My Theory..... "The Spell" V "The Power"

I don't get it! I don't.

I wish I did but I don't. I don't understand what I have done that has made Flatmate so obssessed with me but he really is. He's completely sucked in by my powers and I have to say I really like the fact that I have him like a puppet on a string.

I have a theory. I am obviously going to share this theory with you so be prepared.

When I was at school (all those many years ago) my theory began. I came across a girl that we will call sparkily, now sparkily wasn't a particularly attractive girl, in looks or personality to be honest she was a real bitch. She didn't value sisterhood, the girls, the true friends and she'd stab people who made effort with her in the back and soon the girls in my form began to dislike sparkily a lot.

However, the guys, they loved her. No one could really figure out why and this is when my theory came into place. Some girls have what I call "the spell" this is the ability to make any guy they want fall for them, and then basically lead them on completely until the guy is putty in their hands and then outright reject them leaving the guy crushed. Not nice. But Sparkily had it, Sparkily had "the spell".

Since figuring this simple theory out that some girls have it and some girls don't it's made my life fairly easy. For instance since then I have spotted a girl who has "the spell" a mile off and for some reason several have crossed my path. When I was in college I was dating a guy and he left me to pursue a girl who I knew had "the spell" and as predicted she made him finish with me, she led him on and when he went in for the kill she wasn't having none of it and what did he do, he came back to me with his tail between his legs. I foolishly forgave him but I don't plan on ever doing that again, a guy should be wise enough not to get sucked in by a girl who has "the spell".

Now I would have said back then that I have never experienced "casting my spell on someone" for several reasons, I didn't even realise I had "the spell" and even if I did have it I had no idea how to cast it or to make it work. However, when I first met Mr Tall, he fell for me. I didn't use "The Spell" that I am still confused to whether I possess it or not but he fell for me. Yet shortly after falling for me he completely lost interest!!! I am really unsure why that happened but it did. However, I didn't know that during that time Flatmate was admiring me from afar - even tho he had a girlfriend, now Flatmate has fallen it seems for me and I actually reckon that I could do to him what all these girls who possess "the spell" do to their prey, the ones that get poisoned by it. Yet, I don't think I have "the spell" because I didn't intentionally set out purposely to get Flatmate interested. Which is what the girls with "the spell" do. I think it all boils down to insecurity. Anyway, so I think I don't have "the spell" as such but when it comes to Flatmate I most certainly have "THE POWER" and I can understand how these girls feel, when they have someone so caught up in them. It's a great feeling, the question is, if he did leave his girlfriend, would I then reject him outright or would I be true to my word! Is "The Spell" different to "The Power"? or am I just an insecure bitch like sparkily was back when I was at school.

I have no idea who I am anymore, but I am enjoying the journey I am having while trying to find out who I am. Oh and boys, some advice for you, girls with "The Spell" are easy to see when you open your eyes, remember love can sometimes blind you. If you are unsure as a girl mate they can probably tell you straight away. Listen to Gretta now.

No guilt no pleasure!

The on going saga with Flatmate and I continues. He seems to be having dreams about me now, in this dream we ran away together! It was cute haha.

I think Mr Tall may be getting suspicious about the amount of time Flatmate is spending online talking to me and how little time Flatmate is spending with his girlfriend remember Gifty.

Well, he went to the cinema with Gifty tonight and he said they didn't argue for the first time - that's something I guess.

Anyways, I know it's wrong but the guilt seems to have worn out and right now I don't give a shit about it all. So shoot me down you know you want to.

I feel completely in control when...

... I received emails like this

Hi Gretta,

Sorry I just missed you, I was so tired after yesterday. Thank you so much for last night I needed that. I fell asleep thinking of you and woke up wishing you were here. The scary thing is when you sent that last message calling my name was the same time that I woke up ;).

Thinking about you and wishing you were here.

Flatmate x

He's well and truly sucked in. Isn't he?

Gretta's land of make believe.

Flatmate and I live in a land of make believe but this land of make believe sometimes completely freaks me out. He says things like he's going to leave his girlfriend and move to my city. I don't believe for 2 seconds he will but then he tries scare tactics and says "Gretta marry me" I play along I don't want him to think he can freak me out. I don't get what he's playing at and to be honest if he was to turn up I don't think I'd quite know what to with him. lol.