Accidently on purpose.

I just spoke to Pilots brother on Messenger and he informed me that Pilot is in my home city this weekend. It is the weekend I mean it's Friday already. His brother said they were thinking about going for a drink somewhere and I wasn't sure whether he was trying to see if I wanted to come or not so I played it cool. I could be so tempted to accidently on purpose bump into him while he's in town but I don't think I quite have the balls for that. I wish he'd text me telling me he's around and invite me out for a drink. I don't think he's going to do that but here's hoping and if he doesn't it really is his loss.

Bored (of) games.

Last night was great. It was a friend's birthday and lots of people I hadn't seen in ages were there. Someone I hadn't seen in about a year started talking to me, a year ago I had orginally explained to him the situation between myself and Jerk boy, he seemed to realise by what I was saying that things hadn't changed a whole lot.

As I was explaining the situation quietly, so none of my everyday friends overheard (they all think I stopped liking Jerk boy months and months ago and think that I am the biggest fool for ever getting sucked in by his charm) I tried to tell him how I didn't have feelings for Jerk boy anymore, but he didn't believe me pointed out the precise reasons why he didn't believe me that he got from what I had told him. His argument was convincing and now I realise that I probably do still have feelings for Jerk boy. How I wish I didn't but maybe I do, I am so confused.

Anyway, the guy I was chatting to said he was going to email me to get more information out of me and to help me out a bit. I guess it was good to talk to someone who doesn't label me a fool for falling for Jerk guy in the first place. He also said that he'd point out the way Jerk boy plays mind games with me and the right things for me to do when he does play them because apparently I have been reacting in the exact way Jerk boy wants me to.

The worst part about all this, is I actually had convinced myself that I was heading in the right direction - the way to get over him, but by the sounds of things I have been digging the hole deeper at times without even realising it. Now I feel like I am at stage one again. I thought the games had stopped but they haven't it's just a different style of game we've started playing. One that I am unsure of the rules it seems. At least this guy is going to try and explain them to me, even if I don't win, it should mean that I don't lose quite so badly.

I haven't forgotten. I have just chosen to ignore!

It's been along time since I mentioned my someone. I don't really know why it's been so long we still chat regularly and although he is taken and has a beautiful girlfriend, it is still as if I am his online friend, someone he can turn too when no-one else understands. We value each other even though we live so far apart. After almost 6 years you do value someone and I certainly value my someone.

There has been some issues lately with one of the young lads that I work with. It's a long saddening story and I have managed to offload lots of my stresses on to my someone and this past week it's just reminded me of old times, old times before he became involved with another and I backed off. His friendship is so important for me and he knows that and when I needed him this week he was there for me. It's strange I don't even have feelings for my someone anymore yet he's still my someone on weeks like this one, and the distance between becomes so much closer.

As for Jerk boy he was on holiday but he had to pop back today because of some of the same issues I've been dealing with, and in the process decided to pop in and see me. It was good to see him we haven't been in contact for 4 whole days and that's the longest time we haven't been in contact, for about 2 months. He's still a jerk though. Our mutual friend was in my office at the same time. When he was and he gave me a hug goodbye but Jerk boy couldn't even bring himself to hug me, he put out his hand so I could shake it. What the crap was that. He so needs to get over himself from time to time. It's like he can't be out of touch with me for too long but at the same point he can't even bring himself to hug me, like if he touches me it will mean more than if he just chats to me everyday. He realy doesn't understand females one bit.

I am seeing Pilot's brother tonight. Pilot hasn't been in touch and I don't expect him to but I am in a very mischevious mood, and I'd quite like to see if I can find out when Pilot will be visiting next so I can set up a plan of action to accidently on purpose bump into him and work my stuff so we can start where we left off. Yet, am also thinking that considering he's one of my best mates brothers I should behave. I know guys hate having their close friends and family played and I am thinking it certainly wouldn't be serious so I should end this game before it's begun. I just can't help but want to be that little bit naughty. I've been so good for far too long. Muhahahahahahahahahaahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!

Hormonal and confused - what a combination!

Jerk boy and me had a very bizarre conversation yesterday, leaving me not only confused but quite offended. Like yes I fell for Jerk boy quite hard this time last year but even so I still class him as one of my closest friends. He has always said to me he views me as a sister and considering he rejected me I alway took comfort in the fact he does care for me just not in the way I wanted him too.

So, yesterday when he said he hardly knew me at all I was really hurt. He even said that he knows me better than most people but still feels like he doesn't know me well. I don't know why this should offend me but I am a really open person, pretty much what you see it what you get so why in hell does he think he doesn't know me. Gee he just knows how to make me mad at times.

He has said since that he was in a mood when he said all that and he is back to normal now. What does that mean I mean do you speak truth when you're not normal or just crap. It seriously left me confused.

On another strange note, i have had pilot on my mind - I know I shouldn't be thinking about him, it's because i bumped into Pilot's brother the other day which made me think about Pilot again. At first I didn't care that he hadn't replied to my text but now I feel like I'd really like to chat to him. I think it's just because my hormones are all over the place and Jerk boy upset me and there is nothing I can think of that's more inviting and comforting than Pilot's shoulders. Mmmmm he was a cutie.

If only I could control my emotions.

I just feel so isolated at the moment. Jerk boy contacts me daily and although I love him contacting me whether it be via text, or email, or in person - he turned up at work yesterday as he uses are facilities for his band to rehearse. I just can't help but feel that seeing him and hearing from him so frequently is bad for me. I know he's a Jerk and will never like me but every day I feel myself getting dragged back and drawn to him.

I was upset about something today and cried a little the only person I wanted to comfort me was him and yes he's my friend and we have a very close friendship but I know it can't be anything more. Yet even after all this time I still find that I want more.

Watch this space!

I text him last night - Pilot that is! I couldn't hold out any longer so I just text him a friendly text. He hasn't replied. I am glad though - I just needed to be sure it was just a kiss and nothing else because during the night he had hinted he wanted more from me which was silly and impossible with him being so far away. He was cute though, yet too young for me so now I know that I was probably too old for him.

Anyway, after having some male interest in me, it's made me really value my singleness again. I have decided I need a man to literally sweep me off my feet before I am willing to give my singleness up. I am going to hold on so tight to it. The only person who could have made me give it up was Jerk boy and as the name states he's a Jerk boy and not worth any of my love so that leaves me in a pickle. As there is no-one who can take the job at the moment, and because I am clinging on to my singleness so much so it's gona take superman to prize it away from me.

Toy boys are the way forward in Gretta's life

See, I am updating a bit more regularly now. I am getting there, see. Maybe I just have more thoughts and secrets I want to share here.

So, I snogged a 19 year old over the weekend. I am 23. At first I was weary of the amount we'd been flirting. Yet it just felt like it was the right thing to do - if you can't follow through why flirt. I know someone who used to flirt with all the lads get them falling for her left right and centre just to then say she thought they were mates - that's cruel I won't be one of "those" girls. I've known him for years lets call him"pilot" he's a friend's brother but he's moved away and was just visiting this weekend. Won't see him again now for a good few months.

My best mate asked me if she thought things would go farther than just a snog with pilot, whether or not we'd get together, even though Pilot is handsome, and we get on well and always have done. His age still concerns me a great deal I've always said that anything more than 2 years younger than myself was too young. Ahhh well. Hmm I think I may have just been caught blogging in work time so will get on with things.