Sometimes I do worry!

Last night I met up with a married couple that CD is friends with. The guy is from Brazil so I'll call him "Brazilian" (because he is, nothing to do with bikini waxing) and he married an English girl. There is quite an age gap between them, although I haven't worked it out. I got on really well with the girl, anyway CD and the guy disappeared into the kitchen chatting for a while and I was chatting away to the girl, all very nice.

On the way home in the car

CD: So, Brazilian says he thinks you're lovely and we talked about me proposing.

Gretta: Not right now though ey.

Conversation ended!

The Journey that is..

I don't really like it when a guy reads me. I like to think I'm that little bit mysterious, a little bit unreadable. However, last night CD read me, read my like an easy read book.

Basically we were having *OUR* night together, or what was suppose to be. You see this week was particularly busy, and last night was the one night this week until the weekend, we could squeeze each other in, although there is possibly Friday night as well. Anyway... We went to the cinema and then I went back to his, while at his he got a phone call from a friend who doesn't live in our city but will be in our city today and wanted to go for a long run with CD, as it happens CD is doing a night shift tonight so it worked.

Anyway, after the phone call (which by the way was about 20 minutes long - CD chats like a girl at times) CD gets the map out to start planning this run, where they're gona run in the city and what route will be best to have a good run and give his mate opportunity to see a bit of the city.

Well, all I was thinking is this is our one night together this week and here you are sat down with a map. I in true Gretta style went into myself. It seems to be what I do these days. I find my little safe place which subsequently is deep inside me.

CD: Gretta you're so funny, I'm not giving you attention so you disappear on me, you go into your quiet little shell.

Gretta: Well, you're sat there reading a map.

CD: I like maps. Anyway I'm done now so come and snuggle with me on the sofa.

I just don't get how he reads me so well. I don't need constant attention but on our night I expect it. And chosing to read a map to sort out where you're going to run the following day just doesn't do it for me.

The things Climber Dude does...

He calls me "beautiful" every time he sees me. I'm waiting for that one to wear thin, as yet it hasn't.

He hogs the bed. Much to my disgust, usually half way through the night I'll be hanging out of the end of the bed and no matter how much I try to move him over so I have some room (he seems to spread and take up a whole double bed, how the heck is that possible but it is somehow) he is a dead unmovable weight.

He sings very badly and out of tune most of the time. It doesn't seem to phase him, he keeps saying I should enjoy his singing, but I keep telling him it ISN'T enjoyable!!!

He puts a kiss at the end of every text he sends me. Even if he text itself isn't romantic.

He's a big softy and he tells me I'm a bit harsh. Then he says "that's why we're perfect together" living up to that big softy status then.

He puckers his lips when he wants a kiss. I compare it to a little puppy dog pawwing their owner when they want to be fed.

He's a funny one. And I'm maybe a little bit happy about it.

Don't you just hate it when...

Technology scuppers your plans! Yes... My afternoon’s worth of work came to a rather abrupt halt when I realised that my card reader would not work, which meant the photos I had taken for our ‘in house’ company mag, were stuck on my camera.

I emailed the boss asking him to bring in a card reader but he couldn’t get it to me until tomorrow. Which meant I was a little stumped with nothing to do. Well, I probably have loads to do but I can’t be arsed to do any of it.

It’s the boss’s wife’s birthday tonight. I seem to get an invite every year along with some others from the company. So, we’re just going to a pub for a few drinks later tonight. CD has had an invite too but he’s just going to meet us at the pub as he has something on until about 9pm.

It's a crazy week a head, Climber Dude and I have worked out that we don’t actually get an evening together until Friday. I’m just glad I get a night in to myself on Thursday night as he’s doing a night shift. I think we’re probably going to go out for dinner and then try and watch “the happening” at the cinema.

I seem busier than ever and I am just constantly paying for it cos I end up so tired. Ahhh well I am just hoping that the usual will happen, work always goes off quiet during the holidays with clients going away and staff going away it seems there is a lot less work accumulated which means that there are less stupid meetings at stupid hours which subsequently means less work for Gretta so she doesn’t walk around like a tired wreck her whole life. Oh and sometimes she gets to enjoy the sunshine. I really should have ventured out of the office today, this computer is doing my nut in.

Any my boldness makes little sense! Just for entertainment value - coz I'm a geek like that!

Between us (for now!)

When it comes to Climber Dude and my sex life I seem to have writers block, which is so unusual for me. So, to put it into simple terms, yes we've "done the deed", and yes it's great, does it leave me wanting more, it so darn does. More to the point it leaves me not wanted to leave CD ever. Which should freak someone like me out... But it doesn't. We were discussing today who was the softer out of the pair of us and we've come to the conclusion that he's softer than me. Guess I'm a bit of a hardnut when I want to be.

Anyway, back to the point, I may at some point devulge gory details but right now I just want to keep it between Climber Dude and me, I'm kind of feeling a bit selfish like that!!

chillaxing!

The last 2 weeks have been crazy busy and last night I went round Climber Dude's and he cooked us dinner and we just collapsed on the sofa and watched a film. It was perfect, just what I needed after a hectic week.

He wants to take me here for my birthday http://www.stdavids.co.uk/ the UKs smallest city. I'm quite excited about it, my birthday is in August and it should mean I get to swim in the sea on my birthday!! Oh yea baby.

I'm at home this evening on a Saturday night having a rare night in, I almost forgot what my place looked like.

Well I think I may just chill out some more..

Smiling again!

Feeling that bit better about things. Struggled getting my head together today, but then I got an email from Jerk Boy telling me one of his mates had jumped in the sea with their passport in their pocket and he had found a tarantula in the bathroom. It was a hilarious email and it just reminded me that actually I have some great friends, and although I have to make effort with Climber Dude's friends, when I feel down I have a jerkboy who will somehow always pull through and return that smile to my face.

Now I'm off out to The X's house warming, my work meeting got cancelled so now I said I'd go and I'm gona make myself look good for my CD. See if I can make the smile return to his face.

Missing Miss Independent.

I've been thinking far too much after the disaster of last night. Far too much.

However, I've come to the conclusion that I'm just going through a funny few days, I figure it's all about identity as a couple, something I need to just deal with somehow.

Don't get me wrong, I enjoy every minute I spend with Climber Dude at the moment, it's early days of course I do. However, my diary has never been so full of things I wouldn't usually do or have done when I was single. Now don't get me wrong still do things that I would have done but they are now combined with things that Climber Dude wants to do. Compromise is the key to any relationship and we are both doing that. So, I shouldn't fear but even today I've received an email from a married couple that went on the 3 peaks. The guy is friend of Climber Dude who he goes mountaineering with a lot, they're a lot older than us, as they are in their 40s. Not that that is any sort of issue, but they've invited us over for Sunday lunch, and because I know they're important people in Climber Dude's life I feel I have to go. Since when was I the sort of girl to go and do Sunday lunch with 40 year olds?? I actually like the couple and I know I'll have a good time it's just with every step I feel more and more out of my depth, and I know it sounds crazy, it's just I don't know, it doesn't feel like me. It's just the fun loving girl, that hangs out with friends at the pub seems to be slowly turning into the girl who goes with her boyfriend to houses for meals. I'm being silly. I know I am. But I need to vent too.

where did I go?

It was quite simply a disaster. No no no a disaster.

Usually you put me in a group of people I don't know and I'll be chatting freely with certain people with in that group within no time at all.

So why the fuck did I go in to myself this evening, so far in to myself. I can't explain it but I was so unbelievably quiet and nothing like me.

So, I asked Climber Dude how many of his friends would be there tonight and he told me he knew 2 would be there for sure but thought there would probably be a few others. We arrive and it's 7 of us including me. They all knew each other really well and they started discussing people that they all knew. Well, that's where it all went wrong for me I had no idea who or what they were talking about and rather than try and join in I just sat back and listen, Climber Dude then started talking to his mate about rowing across the Atlantic, well I can't join in a conversation about that I know fuck all about rowing down a bloody stream let alone across the Atlantic. Half way through the night one of the girls mentioned sex and the city and I finally managed to say a few words, but without the reference to that film I swear I wouldn't have said a word all night long.

I'm Gretta. For CHRIST SAKE. I chat.. I'm a well known chatter.. Climber Dude knows me as a chatter.

When we left, he kept asking if i was ok, and why I was so quiet, he kept on saying that he knew I wasn't myself and that concerned him. I've been giving myself a hard time since, like why couldn't I have just joined in a conversation but thinking back, not one of those people in that room asked me a single question, apart from "would I like pudding?" I mean not one question...

They actually all seem like cool people but clearly I just felt like a fish out of water within that group and I don't think it has anything necessarily to do with my social skills but in fact to do with finding my identitiy in a relationship. You see single me, in that situation, probably would have been a different me!

One step at a time over the bridge of insecurity

I have to go and meet Climber Dude’s friends this evening. His old housemate and some other people they know, and let me tell you I am nervous as hell.

Reason behind why? I have no idea I am generally fine when meeting new people but for some reason this sort of circumstance really freaks me out. When I was with The X most of his friends were my friends, we really didn’t have separate people to meet, I think the worst I had to endure was the family gatherings and although they’re always nervous experiences, they know that and you know that so both sides know exactly what they’re in for.

I know I’m being silly, I listen to myself in my head and I sound silly, they’re just his friends and they’re bound to be chilled out, cool people but that doesn’t stop me being nervous, if anything it makes me even more. At least I get a meal cooked for me – I should try and focus on that.

I haven’t been in a committed relationship for about 5 years, when I speak of The X I am talking about something that was far off in the past, yet now I’m in a relationship I recognise that I have still have hang ups, hang ups that I thought I’d completely gotten over!

For example, The X used to tell me I was fat and podgey and needed to lose weight, the worst thing is I am a size 12 which is average for women in the UK in fact the average is 12 to 14.

However, now when climber dude runs his hands over my stomach, I fear he’s thinking the same thing. Now I know I’ve had a few casual flings since The X. for instance I didn’t care what Flatmate thought about my weight, he didn’t care all he wanted was fun, he wasn’t committed to me, he didn’t have the power to hurt me in the same way as someone who has committed to me, if that makes sense. I find myself saying things like “leave my podgey belly alone” then Climber Dude gets funny at me saying things like “you’re beautiful and you have a great figure” the thing is when he says those things I find it hard to believe him, which again is absolutely stupid, I hear myself and think man I have some insecurities here, insecurities that when single I honestly believed I’d dealt with.

I know it all stems from The X, I know it does. The x cheated on me twice and put me down at every opportunity he got so to have someone compliment me is a very rare thing – and I guess because it’s so rare it makes it hard to believe.

I’ve been wondering lately if things were easier when single, I definitely felt a lot more secure when single, but that’s because the only person that could let me down and hurt me, was me. Now I am vulnerable it’s that little bit more scary, I just keep telling myself to take it one step at a time. Gretta.... one step at a time.

weekend in pictures

This weekend I headed to the mountains to meet up with Climber Dude adn the other people doing the 3 peaks to go and climb the final peak with them... Here is my weekend, in pictures and comments!!!

The drive up to the mountains, the most amazing views and the most adorable tarmac!

The hostel I was staying in had a private lakeside beach - pretty good considering the place I was staying cost £23.00 a night including breakfast!

The lake again

And again, for some reason I love this pic...

The mountain, near the start of the climb.

The path we took up the mountain

Last but not least the view from the summit.

But geez louise my thighs ache like crazy.. I've been walking around for the last 2 days with achey achey thighs....

Hoped you liked the pics, I think they're stunning!

Text Message

"I'm on top of one of the biggest mountains in the UK, the views are outstanding and all I am doing is wishing you were here"

He's a soppy one.

The most embarrassing moment of my life thus far...

I make quite a few blunders. I do. It's well know. This one, this one tops the lot....

Jerk Boy, is going traveling for a month. He leaves today, he's going with a bunch of his old uni mates. I've met one or two of them on the odd occasion.

I leant Jerk Boy my backpack, it hasn't been used since 2005 when I went backpacking round Oz.

A few minutes ago I get a picture message from Jerk boy "did you leave anything in your bag?" with a picture of some dirty knickers and socks.

I ring Jerk Boy, as I feel this could do with an explaination why I don't know clearly I left somehting in my bag.

Jerk Boy: *at the airport in front of his friends* So Gretta, I decide I want to put something in the side pocket, actually I didn't realise it had a side pocket till I got to the airport and I pull out some dirty knickers and socks in front of my mates. Just one question, what's the white stuff on the knickers???

Gretta: Um I'm guessing the white stuff might be discharge..

Jerk Boy: Ewwww I've just touched that

Gretta: It's probably 3 years old so it wont do you harm.

I try to laugh it off but for some reason, it just doesn't seem that funny, more gross, don't think I will ever be able to face any of Jerk Boy's mates again, hmm or Jerk Boy for that matter!!!

I'm still that same girl.

Climber Dude left this morning to go to do the 3 peaks. I will be meeting up with the team for the last peak on Sunday.

Is it wrong that I'm kind of looking forward to having a chilled out few days without Climber Dude. Obviously I'll miss him but this being in a relationship consumes a lot of time, I find my bedroom is a mess I get home from work I change out of my work clothes chucking them on the floor or my bed, changing into my casual clothes and then going straight back out again, my bedroom is a mess I need to tidy it and I am looking forward to sitting down with my feet up watching Juno a film I so wanted to see at the cinema but didn't get chance, and I want to bake some chocolate brownies, and I need to sort out my walking gear for Sunday, and then tomorrow night I plan on going out with the girls - all things that since work has been so busy and being in a relationship I just haven't had the chance to do.

So, yeah I'll miss Climber Dude, but I also plan on embracing having a bit of my time back without having to worry about someone else. See deep inside I am still the selfish single girl that likes to what she wants when she wants without a thought for anyone else.

I'm turning into one of those girls!!!!!

I am not a needy girl. I am not.

However, (you knew either a but or however was coming right?) Climber Dude and I are both REALLY busy people, really busy people and we seem to be stealing an hour here and an hour there before we have to be somewhere else. Anyway, he leaves on Thursday to do the 3 peaks which has been planned for ages, so we promised each other we would spend Wednesday night together. I was thinking have a meal together and watch a movie - perfect.

So in the car on the way home from the pub tonight after we met some friends for some drinks we had this conversation..

CD: I need to go to the mall tomorrow evening to pick up a father's day gift for my dad you up for coming with me?.

Gretta: Ok but then we get to spend some time together?

CD: Yeah...

CD: Oh btw I am not gona pop in tonight I have to go home and pack for the 3 peaks and get some stuff sorted out for that but I'll see you tomorrow night.

Gretta: *when leaving the car* Make sure you get your stuff sorted tonight then coz they'll be trouble tomorrow otherwise

I had a smile on my face but I knew that was a very demanding thing for me to say and I'm sure I could have worded it a lot better. He laughed but his laugh wasn't a good laugh so then I leaned in and kissed him and continued.

Gretta: I'm only joking.

But then I realised I wasn't joking I don't want him packing, and sorting stuff out the one night we have together before he goes away. So then..

Gretta: Well, only a little joking

I kissed him and then left the car.

I know I sound demanding, and I sound needy but the truth is I should have just worded it better. I mean he's going away, I wont see him for a while and I don't want the one night we have together before he goes to be cluttered with other things, we already have to go to the mall to get his dad a father's day present, and if he doesn't pack tonight I'll have to sit there why he runs around getting all his stuff sorted. It's just not quite the romantic meal and movie before he goes away that I had in mind.

Answering the questions..

In short Betty the answer is.... No.

In long, I told him I wanted to take things slowly, and he has been so considerate of that, I however, have been pushing things, I keep making him hard and making him want me and I want him oh soooo much and he knows it, but he's the one that is like "ah ah you said slow" and then he leaves, he just leaves me there wanting more - I think he finds it a funny. However, it will happen and I'm thinking shortly, I'm really struggling with this "taking things slow" lark. What a dumb idea of mine.

However, we haven't actually seen loads and loads of each other alone, he's been on funny shifts and I've had stuff going down at work which has meant some evening work meetings making things difficult.

I'm going round his straight from work tonight and he's doing me dinner and then we're meeting up with some friends for one of their birthday drinks. He's then planning on going to visit his parents as he has some time off so he's off for a long weekend, so then I'm not going to see him until Sunday. So yeah no nooky for me until then I'm thinking, unless I eat him instead of dinner after work tonight, which is something at this moment in time I am seriously considering!!!

Boys will be boys..

So last night Climber Dude and I went to pub with Jerkboy, Musicman's lady (no music man) and a girl we will call "the spy" a friend of mine who is studying international security who I don't catch up with that much.



Anyway, as we were at the pub Climber Dude was playing with my fingers and then this conversation happened...



CD: *playing with my fingers* your joints are a bit funny do you suffer with Rheumatoid Arthritis? or is there any that run through your family blood line..



Gretta: What? *shocked by the comment*



CD: It's a serious question Gretta your finger joints don't seem very good...



Ok so actually my mum does suffer with arthritis but not the point we're sat at the table in a pub with friends, not the right time to be having this conversation.



JerkBoy: What about chronic heart failure or desease? I mean Climber Dude should check these things really he doesn't want the kids to have inherited deseased.



Gretta: Ok that's enough now.



CD: You're freaked out by the talk of kids aren't you? Who's got the commitment problem now ey?



Seriously!!!!! What the crap...... I so hope they were playing me up!

For someone that couldn't commit...

He cooks
He cleans
He holds my hand
He snuggles
He snogs
He smiles
He challenges me
He gets on with my folks
He looks after me
He stays in contact with me
He flatters me

He can't get enough of me!!!

So why did it take so bloody long again?