ridiculously...

bored...

I can't wait til I'm fit, well and back to my busy schedule!

1 month.....

Ok we have been broken up for a month. Which is a quarter of our "official" relationship. And now I am ready to date again. I feel it, I sense it, I am raring and ready, but still laid up after an operation and nor have I met any handsomes of late!!!!!!

Anyway, because of being laid off, I've signed up to an organisation and I'll be going away for 2 weeks with a group of people in January to some sort of obscure place or another, mainly because obscure = interesting and right now I need interesting, I need drama, I need well, lets face I need to get laid and in an obscure and interesting manner.

Teddy has been in touch, the chemistry I feel with this guy is immense, I just wish I knew if he felt it too. I mean surely he does otherwise he wouldn't still be in touch... Guys just don't stay in touch with people do they???? do they???? I dunno but he's Australia maybe he thinks I'm safe.

I'm still pondering a move to, with a year working visa but to be honest it wont be until March/April time if I do... So, not for a while yet.

Anyway.... I am ready! I just wonder if the single guys our there are ready for Gretta.

security blanket!

CD is on msn as I write this, I look at his name, half of me wants to talk to him, the other part of me doesn't want to cave. I know the part that doesn't want to cave will prevail, because I'm more proud than I let on at times.

I want him to check on me, I want him to ask me how I am, I want him to want to know. However, he's proud to and isn't going to cave either. I expect he's sat looking at my name having similar thought's to me.

I've come to the conclusion that we are so alike but so different. We were both so scared to commit, both so scared about what falling in love meant, that we kept each other at arms length, not letting each other get too close, not wanting to know what it meant if we did. Then on the flip side he lives for experiences, what's the next buzz he can get, what's the next adrenalin rush, whereas me, I live for relationship, I live for people, my curiousity is to know why the stranger I saw sleeping in her car at 5pm was sleeping, was her day at work that bad, did she have no home to go to, if she did would she get no rest so had to get some in now.

You see CD lived for experiences, I live for relationship. We tried to combine the 2 but it didn't change the other thing, it didn't change the fact that when it came to feelings and emotions we were the same, too scared to commit, too scared to love. And how can you risk falling for someone if you're unsure they're going to fall for you back. And that pride of ours, it made us fall but not in love, it made us fall apart.

I hate how I'm more insecure than I realised, however I love that there is someone out there who can be my securuty. Now to find him!

Recovery and fancy dress,

Had my op yesterday, they say it went well but they've found symptons of something else so they wana run more tests once I've recovered after this op... And there I was thinking it was all over.

Once again JerkBoy has proved to be my angel.... He visited me last night before he went out, and then he text me at 10.30pm saying he was on his way back and did I want him to pop in on his way home. I didn't. I was tired. But still he's good boy. Best friend came round and we watched Mamma mia and I loved it.

When JerkBoy was here he tried on his jeans. You see a few years ago we were going to 70s new years fancy dress party. He has these jeans that I've alway not really liked very much, they cost him £70.00 but I just thought they didn't suit him.. So eventually I got my grubby hands on them and made them into flares for this 70s party muhahaha.. Anyway, now we have a punk and goth party to go to for firework's night. That's if I'm up for it, so once again these jeans came out and I turned them into punk jeans, he's kind of going to look like blonde lead singer of greenday. Well I'm gona put some blue in his hair but then he may need to cut his hair coz according to a girl who works in a cosmetic store there is a slight chance this stuff (even though says is wash out) could turn his hair green.

Anyway, last night he decided to try on the new punky jeans I've made for him and I now establish that I'm not too fond of JerkBoy's choice in boxer short, they weren't tight enough, they weren't you know tight enough... I told him too, maybe just maybe, we'll get him dressing right yet.

In the mean time I think his punk look, is kinda gay, but then so was his french look when he borrowed my stripey top and put a scarf round his neck, when we went to a country fancy dress party and so was his 70s look when I made his flares. So looking gay at a fancy dress party is nothing new for JerkBoy. But my don't we go to a whole heap of fancy dress partys.. What's with that!!

Comparisons

This morning I received an email from Teddy and it was like a breath of fresh air on a cold, brisk, sunny morning. The type of breath that makes you long, need want another..... And then as if reading my mind, he forwarded me a funny joke that he knew only I would understand.

Sometimes, he's all I want.

Sometimes I love my boss...

Gretta: Hey, Um I'm thinking that tomorrrow.....

Boss: Yeah do whatever.

Gretta: I haven't finished what I was saying..

Boss: That's ok, do whatever you need to do.

Gretta: So tomorrow I want a lie in so was gona take back some of the hours I'm owed. I'll probably be in at 11ish.

Boss: Yeah fine do whatever, come in at whatever time, do whatever you want. It's fine.

It says it all...

I think I've probably said this before but it is almost certainly definite, that JerkBoy is in fact a better friend to me than CD was as a boyfriend.



You see JerkBoy and I have been invited to Intellect and Intellect's bloke's firework party, it's a goth and punk party. So, today myself and JerkBoy spent the day sorting out his costume, it was a lot of fun and we stopped for a meal in the shopping centre. He went home for a few hours, then he came round my place to watch X Factor with me before heading into town with his uni mates.



It really is a shame we don't fancy each other in the slightest because seriously, we get on so well, but it truly is just an unbelieveable friendship... However, JerkBoy has invested more time, love and care into our friendship, than CD did into our relationship.



It fills me with hope. A hope that one day someone is going to put into me because they're in love with me. If Jerkboy can do it when it's just a friendship, there must be someone out there willing to give me what I need in a relationship.. There Must!!!!

The single daydream believer!

Don't worry I've decided I am not going to do anymore snooping. It's not healthy and the boy is clean anyway. If he were to access my messages he might not get quite the same...



I've been in touch with Mr Tall since breaking up with CD, I've been in touch with Bouncer although very briefly and I've also been in touch with Teddy. Actually, Teddy is who I really want to talk about today...



Teddy had met someone, but it's fallen through, she lives 2 hours away from him, she's 10 years younger than him and he didn't feel any chemistry so he told me today that he's calling it a day. Teddy's flatmate has recently got engaged and is shortly getting married and now Teddy needs to find either someone to move in with him or needs to find somewhere he can go. It's got me thinking. Not that I've spoken to Teddy about it, but it's got me thinking about getting a year working visa, and going to Oz, I could move in with Teddy, and maybe something might come of that, because if there is one thing Teddy and I had it was chemistry. However, that was a long time ago, he doesn't seem as interested now as he once was and I kind of want him to chase me, but I also can appreciate that's hard when I'm in the UK and he's in Australia. Anyway it's just thoughts. Plus if I was to get a working visa, I'd have to do temp work, and I'm pretty sure I'd have to take a big wage drop, and I dunno, there's lots of reasons why it's not a good idea. And maybe I'm running. However, maybe I need the exercise!! To be frank, I think it's just a nice daydream.



In other news



I have an operation next week and I'm cacking my pants about it. I was originally told I'd need 4 days to recover now I've been told I'll need a minimum of 2 weeks, but maybe even 3 or more!!!! Like what - I'm hopeless at home on my todd, and CD has always been there for me through all of my health issues, even when we were just friends he supported me. He works in the medical field so he's naturally caring when people are ill, but the fact I have to go through it wihtout him is horrible. I miss him so much at times, even though I know that we just weren't working, that I don't want to be with someone who makes me feel lonely in a relationship, who didn't have it in them to love me as I deserve to be loved. I need someone who's willing to fight for me I know that now. However, it doesn't make having to face the operation next week without him any easier.



Ahhh well.... This is my life. My now single life.

Just Call me Stalker James...

CD is dumb. He has the same password for everything. Guess how I know?

So this catholic choir thing...

Ok, now I can hold a note. And in tune.



But let me tell you this it was rock hard, JerkBoy found it hard, I found it hard, it was really hard, but I think I'm gona keep going.



They take it so seriously as well, the leader woman was like "who here reads music" and everyone that was around me put up their hand, it was embarrassing. I can't read music, seems I'm in the minority.



And they gave us homework!! Like what am I 15 again.



Oh and there were no hot boys there, but there was this little blonde girl who was sat next to me, telling me how much she loved my boots, and my top and all of my clothes in general. I think maybe she was hitting on me lol.

53 minutes left

I have 1hr and 15mins left of work... But who’s counting?

Tonight, I go to choir practice. That is one thing I didn’t think I’d ever hear myself say, mind you it’s one thing I didn’t think I’d hear myself hear JerkBoy say, yet, tonight we’re going to go and sing what I assume to be Christmas Carols in all sorts of harmonies with all sorts of other people. People maybe that might just give me some spiritual insight at this time. You never know right!!! Anyways, I’ll update you later on that one, I don’t plan on converting to catholic anytime soon.

I’ve spoken to CD twice over the last 2 days, via msn but it’s been ok, he’s told me he’s finding it difficult, I find it difficult, I think we’re both going through the same emotional rollercoaster. So at least that’s something.

My boss has been really good and has tried to encourage me to go away at Christmas, so I’ve been looking into some skiing holidays but, I just think it’s a bit pricey especially if I find out that I don’t like skiing or something. It’s just a thought. Oh and I’ve emailed Teddy to see if there is any chance he’d be in Europe over Christmas, but I’m thinking he’ll prob be having Christmas in Aussie Land.

I’ve heard nothing more of Flatmate.

Bouncer replied to my email but it was a very closed reply.

And Jerkboy, well Jerkboy has once again this week proved to be a really good friend. I swear the breakup would have been a whole lot harder without him in my life.

The ups, the downs, the good friends.

I had a simply wonderful day yesterday. My mum offered to buy me lunch (I think she's noticed a change in my eating habits) and then JerkBoy called me up and said he was heading into town to do some shopping with a married couple he knows and that I vaguely know. I always think the girl is a bit needy and her husband is a bit of a sucker, so we'll call them Mrs Needy and Mr Needy-Sucker. Anyway, the day was wonderful we pottered around town, then ended up in starbucks for frapachinnis and then they invited JerkBoy and me round theirs for dinner so we have fijitas and watched X Factor. Sounds crap. But it was wonderful, it was just what I needed.

It's a week since I last held even a conversation with CD and right now, after a wonderful day yesterday, I feel good.

Sometimes a day spent with friends, is just exactly what I need.

Feeling it.

I can't lie....

Today has been awful...

I miss CD so much, I still know it's right that we've broken up but I miss his friendship. I feel inside, I can't describe it really. It's like I know it's right but boy it's still hard.

Work is dead this afternoon, but nor do I want to go home.

I just feel crap inside.

I've text JerkBoy literally begging him to do something with me tonight, but he hasn't replied and I don't think I can bare a night at home. I'm not sure how I'm gona hold it together this weekend I wish I was busy but I have not one thing planned.

I feel shit.

Keeping Busy

I haven't had a night at home since the break up.

Don't laugh but I've joint a choir on the run up to Christmas - so now have rehearsals every Monday night, they're doing a performance of Christmas Carols in the city's cathedral on 7th December and you see when Jerkboy suggested it, I thought what the hell, "I can sing in tune just about lets do it". He comes from a catholic family. With that too I thought maybe I could mislead a nice catholic boy ;) although aren't most of them are a bit gay. Which leads me to something else..... I think Jerkboy might be gay. I've been questionning his sexuality for a while and it seems I'm not alone in this. You see he's never had a steady girlfriend since I've known him.. Ever. He mentions girls to me, none of which I've ever met. And we get on soooooo sooooo well, I can't help but think maybe there is a reason.

Anyway back to my busyness, last night I went to the cinema with a girlfriend.

Tonight I was suppose to have a work meeting but it was cancelled last minute, usually I would love this, it would mean I get the night wtih CD instead. A part from not tonight, tonight I realise the short notice cancellation means I'm stuck at home alone with an overly fussy mother. I text Best Friend to see if she wanted to hang out, but it turns out she's gone to see a band tonight. Blah I really am having my first night at home since the break up... This is going to be horrible.

Tomorrow night I was suppose to be going for a curry with the 3 peak people, all those people I met up with, the group of CDs friends. However, I've decided not to go, decided that seeing CD wouldn't be good for me this week. So, not going. However, Best Friend is free tomorrow night so I'm going to go catch up with her.

It's good to keep busy, because as soon as I stop I think and thinking isn't quite so good.

I emailed Bouncer the other day - He hasn't emailed me back which sucks.. You remember Bouncer read here I just contacted him to let him know CD and I had broken up, last time he visited we were together and I hadn't told him and I don't think he expected it. So then I felt really bad, so I figured I'd tell him that we'd broken up so the shock wouldn't be so bad, and maybe so he'd realise I was single again. It was funny reading back about Bouncer because you'll notice that in that post back in 2006 was where CD first started pursuing me, when I really wasn't one bit interested in him, who'd have thought over 2 years on he would have worn me down just to have a 4 month relationship that ended crapply. You'd think someone that pursued me for that long, would have actually made a bit more effort to make it work. Well I would.

Anyway I feel better after that rant.

Love you all

Gretta