Where's my head at?

My someone has been a little distant of late, mainly because I think I went off on one a little. Decided to tell him about a good friend of mine, bar I kind of implied they were more than a good friend if you get what I am saying. Hmmm thought it may make him jealous - surprise, surprise Gretta's plan failed!! He was really happy for me... The funniest thing that has come out of it is that this friend that is a really good friend until I was telling my someone about him I had never looked at as more than a friend, and now I have viewed him as more than a friend my feelings are doing funny things on me!! I don't know if it's just me looking for an escape, an exit, a way out of this dyre and impossible situation or whether I actually like one of my best friends that has been smack bang in front of my face the whole time!!! He knows all about my someone as well, he is someone that I would tell my life story to because I trust him more than I trust anyone!!!! If I say to him "Please will you keep this to yourself" I know with no shadow of doubt that it will go no farther. I really don't get where my head it at....

You don't always get what you want.

Why is he so lovely to me when he is taken? He's lovely and I want him. He knows me like noone else knows me. I guess his girlfriend thinks the same. She knows him better than me too.

I don't want anyone else I want my someone I want him.

Fool for love

So, where are we?? Well, he started a conversation with me the other day. I was really pleased about that I didn't tell him I was pleased about that, maybe I should have done! It's just I was thinking now he has a girlfriend he would just start losing contact with me. Yet, if anything he has made a bit more of an effort, maybe he realises that I would be fearing losing his friendship now he is with another, who knows? Anyway, I am really glad that he is making an effort with me I would be devastated if we were to lose contact now after all this time.

I have been a little silly though. I started flirting with a man, when I say a man I mean someone who is over 15 years older than myself! I know I am a fool, I have just been feeling so hurt by him and this other girl that I needed attention and this man I know has flirted with me before and I knew he would again. I also knew it would be harmless because surely he realises I wont fall for someone that much older than myself!! Trouble is I decided to tell him about it, I thought he would give me a good telling off, and he was a little disaproving but he wasn't as protective of me as he used to be!! That whole "look after yourself" thing he is taking quite seriously. I half expected him to get on his moral high horse and tell me to lstay away of men I can't handle but he didn't he just laughed it off and told me to be careful and that was pretty much it.. I guess I told him, to try and make him jealous, the worst part is, it didn't work in the slightest and now just feel really stupid.

I know it doesn't sound like it from some of the stuff I have said above but I do think I am beginning to except now that he will never be mine and that he is happy with his girl! I don't think about him as much in my day as I used to, I do still think about him just every 10 minutes as opposed to every 5 minute previously! I'll get there I'm sure. I just wish I'd never fallen so deep in the first place but it didn't happen suddenly we were friends for at least 2 years before I started to see him as more than that. I wish I could go back to that time when I only saw him as a friend but I can't turn back the clock, if only I could, I definitely would.

"Take care of yourself"

When he logged off today he said

"Take care of yourself"

It was as if he was saying that, because he can't take care of me anymore. I know that he lives so far from me but along every step of the way he has been there for me and me for him, it's just that just way it's always been and now it's like he saying

"that job of taking care of you, you're going to have to do it yourself because I can't anymore."

These words

"take care of yourself"

I only ever use when someone is going away for a long period of time and you want them to be safe on their travels... It's as if he is saying I have moved on, I still want you to be safe but you can't be safe in me anymore someone else closer to me now has that role.

I miss him so much but I know I have to let him go... Don't get me wrong I am still going to chat to him all the time, well as much as he is online that is - you know that when people get into relationships their other friends get a little neglected, it's already begun to happen. He's neglecting me, telling me I have to take care of myself.. My heart hurts.

Gretta wants her someone

I don't know where to start really, I guess I should start by saying I'm Gretta and I feel a little lost in this world, just like I don't really belong here... I have been in love for at least 2 years with a man I have known for 4 years. I met him online in a chat room, I know the worst possible place to meet someone, and what's worse is that he lives on the opposite side of the world. We still chat on a weekly basis which I love, I can't wait to catch up with him most weeks and he makes me feel like no one else ever could. I am sure of it. Anyway bad news, today he has got together with a girl he has been talking to me about for ages, I knew it was going to happen it wasn't a case of if but when. Anyway even though I knew it would happen it still hit me hard, what's worse is he sent me a picture of her and she is stunningly beautiful and that made me feel even more crap. I guess you're already beginning to think I am a little crazy, yet I am convinced that there was a time when he had the exact same feelings for me, he has just chosen not to pursue them. To tell you the truth I have chosen not to pursue mine either, it's just he moved on I didn't. Letting go isn't easy for me and I still live in hope that one day distance wont be factor, I don't feel like I belong here and the main reason being is because I feel I belong with him, it's just he's now with another and although I am happy that he has found someone for selfish reasons I am sad because for me he was my someone.