beep beep boop boop the sound of 24.

So.... The guilt lasted 24 hours and then it was time to play some more.

And play we did.

Red Light

Guilt came and hit me like a hammer on the head yesterday. I analyse things too much but I just found out one of my closest friends husbands has decided to pursue another lady and I realised it wasn't so far from the me and Flatmate situation. So I spoke to Flatmate and I asked him if we could back up, go back to just chatting. He said he'd try his hardest to do that, then I said if we can't do it then it will be best to break of contact completely. He has a girlfriend and even if I don't know her I hate seeing people get hurt. So, he said to me he didn't want to lose me and the thought of that would be a good incentive to stop all of the "naughty stuff" as he likes to call it.

And that's where we are at. I miss the attention already but I am gona be a better person and I am gona be strong. We'll be alright I know we will.

I give in..

.. I can't try and stop things any longer. I know he has a girlfriend, I know it's wrong but God does this guy know what buttons to press to turn a girl on.

He made me want more more more today and when he finally stopped kissing my inner thigh, the longing that he left in my eyes was too much to handle. He left me wanting more and I do want more. Why the guilt certainly disappears in the mid of cyber fondling that is getting closer and closer to the edge. He says he's never done anything like it before. Tell you what HE'S GOOD for a cyber virgin. DARN GOOD. He makes me weak and I've told him that so he's the one that needs to stop this because the only button in my view is bright green.

Catch up with Gretta and have a glass of wine.

So yeah Flatmate and I are continuing to do our online canoodling lol. That's the only way I can explain it. He is still with Gifty though and today he wasn't online then he popped and he was spending the day with her. It's times like that when I feel well and truly like the other woman, the homewrecker, the one that everyone hates, the one I hate.

How did I become this person, why do I enjoy being her, and then after I've been her why do I hate her. Talk about split personality or is it split is this really me.

In other news, Teddy has been in contact yesterday. I still can't believe I have to wait until July before I see him again but I am so happy that he is in more regular contact. Roll on July that's all I say.

Hmm don't know if I've mentioned Jerk Boy in a while either, well he's doing okay. Still suffering the woes of rejection but he'll get there.

Oh and you never guess what!!!! My childhood sweet heart found me on face book. He's a guy that I went to pre-school with, Junior school and high school. We never actually had a relationship but we basically were really good friends he used to live on my street. We were kind of like Dawson and Joey bar the fact we never got it on. We seemed to always fancied each other at times when the other wasn't interested - in a way it was quite a bizarre set up. Anyhow he sent me a long message and it was great to catch up with him. He's single. I am just not interested at the moment. I can't go through all that again.

Interesting...

So Flatmate replied twice to my email. First he was mad, he told me that his relationship with him and Gifty was absolutely none of my business and the ONLY reason I said all that stuff in the email was to make myself feel better.

Then after he calmed down he sent another email saying that he realised I was only trying to help and hopes his first email didn't upset me it's just that he was livid when he read it. He has enjoyed chatting to me and he doesn't want to lose me. However, that aside it doesn't change the fact that him and Gifty are chalk and cheese.

So, I chatted to him after reading both emails saying neither had upset me in fact they made me laugh - this situation is ludicrous as far as I am concerned. Anyway we kissed and made up and all is now ok. I think although I don't know how long for! Hmmmm who knows.

Gretta trying to make things ok somehow!

I've sent Flatmate an email because he started asking me loads of questions about if he wasn't with his girlfriend who will call "Gifty" would I be with him! Great how did I guess that might be coming and obviously Mr Tall got brought into the conversation too.

Gretta: I'm sorry you're annoyed that I became friendly with Mr Tall before getting to know you but Mr Tall is SINGLE. He was interested in me but somewhere between Christmas and New Year he lost interest and all of a sudden you were showing me a lot of interest and I just started enjoying it even if I knew it was wrong with you being in a relationship. Mr Tall isn't into me and because of that I am not into him.

Flatmate says: ok, im not like Mr Tall and i never will be nor do i want to be, its the same with Gifty, shes not exactly what im looking for and she never can be.

Gretta: yea but she's your girlfriend. Look I need to think about all this I'll email you later.

THE EMAIL

I don't know what to do about the conversation earlier but here's what I think.

You know Gifty isn't right for you (I am not saying I am because I really never intended to get into this with you - I liked Mr Tall and the whole situation is odd in itself) but I also know you have no intention of ending things with her.

I know you say that I am trying to make myself feel better by saying that Gifty is good for you but I can see clearly that Gifty cares for you and you need someone who can care for you. For instance she bought you a great Birthday present, she thought about what you liked and she's treated you to a weekend away so now you get to go and do the thing you love and spend some quality time with her. I would never have even thought of anything like that because I just wouldn't have so to me that prooves she cares for you a great deal. Then with valentines she again thought about what you liked and bought you a gift that was perfect for you - you said so yourself. Now you may not appreciate that in the same way you do deep and meaningful conversations but I can see that Gifty puts a heck of a lot of thought into the things she buys for you.

I am gona be honest now Flatmate I don't think you have any intention of ending things with Gifty.

So, if it's the friendship and the deep and meaningfuls you're looking for then you gotta

start having them with her, otherwise you're gona end up living a very unhappy life.

As for the whole Mr Tall thing. I am glad you're not Mr Tall. I'll be straight with you, when I first started getting to know Mr Tall we had a lot in common and even now I'd possibly say
I have more in common with Mr Tall than I do with you - for instance in the past I've worked in property so I know a little bit about the process when buying houses to develop (Mr Tall is a property developer), I've done a heap of travel and me and Mr Tall have been to some of the same places, some of the places we wanted to visit in the future happened to be the same.

Mr Tall might not admit this but when we first started dating he did put a lot of effort in too, but somehow between Christmas and New Year that changed and I am glad it did, he made me realise that with all that in common I still needed a guy who'd make effort, who'd chat to me for hours, who'd give me a hug when I need one, who'd spend time designing me a valentines message, you did all those things. You started putting more in and it made me realise that I needed that and I enjoy all of those things and it's obvious I like our friendship.

I just didn't expect it to get so serious because I knew you were with Gifty and I wanted to help you with that. I don't want you relationship to fail. I just don't know what happened to make things between us get so intense, you know i tried to stop it when I realised but maybe it was just too late and I don't know how to get things back to normal now. And yes I feel like a crap person but it's not like I planned it and right now - with everything else going on in my twisted life this actually doesn't bother me as much as it should and that's probably wrong of me to. lol.

So there you go - a nice essay for you. I'll look forward to your reply haha.

He hasn't yet replied. I wouldn't know what to reply to that so I doubt he'll know either. Oh well.

Happy Valentines Day

Hi Everyone

Happy Valentines day to you all.

Love Gretta.


P.S I got to online valentine messages. I got a home made designed card with hearts and roses on from Flatmate (guessing his girlfriend doesn't know about that one) and I also got an email from Batman, you probably have to go back to August or September to find out who Batman is. Yet Gretta felt loved this Valentines Day so it's all good.

Love to you all, on this love filled day xx

In a sticky situation...

So the Flatmate saga continues. He called me perfect yesterday. I told him no one is perfect, the he said ok well you're perfect for me and I was like um shouldn't you be saying this to your GIRLFRIEND.

I know I am not the innocent party, I know I flirt back, I know I enjoy the compliments he gives, I know I am partly to blame, but I can't stop :(.

Today things just got a little more complicated as we started doing some cyber fondling and I have to say I enjoyed every second of it. He certainly knows how to make a girl tick, I guess he would having a girlfriend. What am I playing at? HELP.

And then the unexpected happens.

The other day I blogged about Teddy, about how that guy showed me respect and chilvary in a way I'd never experienced before. I think I even wrote about the dream I had. Anyway, after the dream I couldn't help but text him. I asked him (as I know he travels) if he plans on coming to my country anytime soon. He didn't respond.

Then to my shock at 1.30am when I was suppose to be sleeping but actually tossing and turning in my bed worrying about things I shouldn't be. My phone starts to vibrate. Gretta thinks "who the heck is texting me at this time"

It was Teddy and he said to me..

"I am planning a trip in July and your country will definitely be on the cards."

So yeah I know July is 6 months away and clearly in 6 months a lot can happen in my life specially when men are concerned you only have to look back over the previous 6 months to know that but he's coming and today I just haven't stopped smiling. Only the other day I was saying I live in hope for him to walk back into my life and in July he really is going to do that. However, I also know that he'll walk straight back out of it again, the question is will it be like my dream and will I go with him or will I be that girl in floods of tears watching him drive away into the distance. I guess only time will tell. But yey I can't wait until July now.

Back to the reality boys

So, I've not spoken to Mr Tall in about a week. However, I have spoken to Flatmate everyday this week! I queried whether or not he actually "had" a girlfriend. He does but they had a fight and are both being stubborn yet in their stubborness Flatmate is chatting to me loads. I know I should be backing away from him but I can't and I don't understand why I can't and that scares me. I never thought I'd ever be the other woman in someone elses relationship but right now I feel like the other woman and I hate it, I really hate that feeling but I also can't help enjoying every compliment he gives me and I think that it's all probably because of Mr Tall one minute being really interested and the next not being very interested at all. I don't blame him I just know what my female emotions do to me, I crave to be told nice things because I feel better about myself when I do and Flatmate is saying nice things to me and making me feel more secure in myself grrrr I know I am a dirty hussy :(.

As for Jerk Boy his relationship has gone to pot and I've been looking out for a him a little bit, sending him encouragin texts, he's taken it pretty badly and I'm a bit worried about him. His head is screwwed and confused. I know that's exactly how I felt for a long time after what happened between us but I wouldn't wish that kind of confusion on anyone and I feel for him. I know his work is suffering because of it to. I just don't know what to do to make him feel better. I guess all I can do is be there as that older sister figure that he's always seen me as.

I've come to a conclusion though of things I need in a man...

1. They need to live in my city.

2. They need to be single.

3. They need to like me.

4. I need to like them

5. They must compliment me

That's it for now. It's not a long listis is? So why the fuck is it so hard to find.

I had a dream last night

I don't often dream but I just had to share this with you because it was soo sooo soo real.

I have told you about Teddy before. Teddy is the guy that traveled 4hours just to meet me, the guy that showed me chilvary like I'd never known before, the guy that gave me a gift and took good care of me, the guy that gave me a glimpse of how a man should treat a woman.

So my dream, last night I didn't sleep in my own bed, yep I slept in someone elses. I never sleep great when I am not in my own bed and I guess that's why I had this dream.

I dreamt that ..

I was in my house and Teddy randomly turned up at my door, he could only stay for a few hours and then he had to head south for a presentation. I didn't want him to go but this presentation was crucial for his career. He wanted me to go with him but I had no way of getting home after. I do drive but for some reason I wouldn't be driving down and he had no way of getting me back home. We looked up the prices of trains and for some reason the train cost £100,000.00 (it was a dream not reality) well there was no way I could afford that. So he could take me down with him in the car but there was really no way for me to get home. I was devastated I didn't want him to leave me, yet I couldn't go with him. He to was upset and I couldn't handle watching him get into the car. At that point my mum and dad came into the dream.

Mum: Gretta get in that car and go with him

Gretta: But, but

Dad: I'll come and get you if need be.

I thought at the time what does he mean if need be?

So I ran to the car and told Teddy to wait for 5 minutes while I pack for a few days. He did.

My dad never picked me up, I never came home. Teddy's career completely took off he earned heaps and wherever he went I followed. He took care of me and never stopped being that chilvarous man I once met.

It was just a dream I know but I was so confortable with the fact that I'd be so willing to up and leave for a man I love. It didn't matter that I only had a weekend amount of stuff, it didn't matter that I was leaving behind family that love me enough to let me go, nothing mattered. It's funny but I live in hope that maybe Teddy will one day walk straight back into my life, like the day he traveled into it just over a year ago.

Self Control..

I don't even know where to begin, I was right in thinking Flatmate was hitting on me put it that way. He basically said this to me yesterday and surely you wouldn't say all this to someone you weren't interested in right? You know me I am not one for understanding guys at the best of times but I am pretty certain this is a guy with a crush..

Flatmate: So, Gretta? You never really tell me anything personal about yourself

Gretta: What did you want to know?

Flatmate: I dunno personal stuff.

Gretta: You're gona have to ask me some questions because I am really not great when put on the spot like this I just don't know what to tell you?!

Flatmate: Okay, I seriously don't understand why you're single! Why are you single?

Gretta: *felt like saying because Mr Tall lost interest, however didn't think that was wise with him being Mr Tall's flatmate and all* Um, I dunno guess boys just aren't into me!!

Flatmate: Well that's not true do you know how much I would kill for a girl like you, you're smart, you're hot, you have a sense of humour, you can cook, you're loyal and supportive, you're every guys dream including mine.

Gretta: I don't know what to say but maybe I am meant to be single maybe God had other plans for my life, maybe the fates wont allow, maybe it's all a question of time that I'll meet the right person at the right time and that will be that. I just don't know *avoids mentioning the every guys dream thing*

Flatmate: I feel exactly the same about time I am waiting to meet the right person at the right time.

Gretta: You do realise you have a girlfriend?

Flatmate: Yep and she often calls me a prick and now you know why.

I could be wrong but he seemed pretty full on. I can't help but wonder what Mr Tall would think if he knew these things were coming out of Flatmates mouth. Afteral it was only a few weeks ago that Mr Tall was complimenting me in a similar way. I am not sure how I even got to this place but the truth is I really quite enjoy my chats with Flatmate, he's deep, our conversations are always really interesting and he is also good looking no as good looking as Mr Tall but he's not at all bad looking in the slightest. Oh Gretta control yourself.

The continuing saga of Gretta and the male species.

Isn't if funny that now Jerk Boy has found a lady friend I hardly ever hear from him. I haven't spoken to him since our work meeting on Monday. He usually always texts me on a Wednesday just out of habit and this Wednesday no text, funny that. Find a girl and your old loyal friend Gretta no longer exists. Your old loyal friend that you couldn't even be arsed to tell taht you'd met someone, she had to find out from someone you'd sworn to secrecy. Man Jerk Boy is the biggest Jerk.

I spoke to Mr Tall online today, it was as delightful as ever but things seem to be going from bad to worse there. Flatmate is almost certainly hitting on me and I am not really sure what to do bar keep mentioning his girlfriend in conversation. Today as I was chatting to both Mr Tall and Flatmate online no different than usual, Flatmate started getting really funny about me talking to Mr Tall and apparently they were in the same room sharing everything I was saying with both of them. Not that I had any issues with that as I have nothing to hide, but if you haven't figured it out by now I am a big flirt, I can't help it, flirting goes well with gretta like a book goes well with someone that likes to read. It's one of those things. Yet Flatmate got so funny about it and it reminded me of when Mr Tall and I first started dating - recently I told Flatmate the when me and Mr Tall first started chatting I always thought he didn't like me especially when I used to have voice conversations over the computer his tone was always really offish. He guaranteed it wasn't that he didn't like me it was just that he was having issues with his girlfriend. I don't know I am just beginning to think it's all a big mess. I don't understand why Flatmate is trying his hardest to flirt with me in every possible way when he has a girlfriend. Mr Tall had loads of pics of me and he's shown them to Flatmate and Flatmate is now constantly complimenting me. It's lovely to hear but everything about the situation is wrong. I only started chatting to Flatmate online in the first place so he could help me work things out with Mr Tall and now things are clearly not going to get worked out.

One day my man life will not be so bloody confusing.