Just a little crush

I had a chat with my bestfriend and bestfriends hubby over the weekend about my crush on Hot Stuff.

They both say out of all of the guys I've properly crushed on over the last few years he is by far the best... By Far.

This could be a big mistake but Bestfriend has suggested a get together at her place, with the people that got married last week, with hot stuff, and with another couple we know. It might be a kind of "blatent" set up. Me, hotstuff and a load of couples. But come on when has Gretta not been blatent?

So, I've emailed them all today seeing if they want to get together before Christmas, hot stuff and the recently married couple don't live in my city but hot stuff lives about an hour and 15 away and the recently married couple about an hour away, so our city is smack bang in the middle. So it should work.

Now I wait for my replies.

So, you never know here is step 1 in the plan to get Hot Stuff.

As for CD I still haven't seen or heard from him, for now it's for the best, but he can't avoid our friends forever.

Didn't like her..

Now I feel I can speak the truth...

I never really liked CD's mum, it always felt like an effort with her, she wasn't particularly welcoming to me and I found her hard work. CD's dad I liked, CD's bro I liked, CDs sis I liked, CDs bros girlfriend I liked. CD's mum was hard work.

There I've said it. She rarely smiles, I didn't feel welcome, and even when she made an effort it seemed to come with a scowl.

Saying that I tried to understand, you see CDs dad has cancer and CD tells me he suffers from depression I have never seen his dad depressed but CD tells me his mum gets a hard time. I'm not sure I believe it, but I can understand if your husband is dying of cancer then you might not want to smile.

Anyway, it doesn't matter now, I just wanted to get it off my chest. I like most people, but I struggled with her.

And then...

Hot Stuff facebook messages me, not a long enough message though to be honest just says

"Miss James, it was great seeing you yesterday albeit short.. Catch you soon".

I knew he's get in touch, I didn't expect today and he could have given me something, a notch to grab hold of to email back or something.

Grrrrr.

Not Rushing but Not Ruling out.

So when I said I wanted to stay single for a while. I meant it. I did. I do.

Yet, that doesn't mean I'm not open to opportunities, I am. I am open to new male friends, I am open to flirting, I open to building up something. I am open I'm just not ready.

So, Gretta did something.

This shouldn't surprise you. It doesn't surprise me!

There is this guy, I don't know this guy very well at all. He's hot. He comes across a little shy. When I was with CD I went to a wedding alone, at this wedding I danced with this hot guy, but I was completely commited to CD. I remember at the time thinking if I wasn't taken I'd consider this guy.

I knew he'd be at Bouncer's wedding.

So, I facebooked him before going, told him I was looking forward to catching up with him. It was just a brief email, but brief enough to say what needed to be said.

At the after party at the wedding he came and lingered by the table I was sat on with friends, we chatted, it was good, it was awkward at times, but it was good. When I said goodbye we hugged, but I made sure it was an embrace, it wasn't just a hug, it was a hug with meaning.

Now I wait, I wait for him to contact me. I think he will, and I'm not rushing into anything but nor am I ruling this guy out. He shouldn't be single, and neither should I - That tells me only one thing!!!

I'm going to call him ... Hot Stuff.

Bouncer's Wedding

Bouncer you remember Bouncer

Bouncer is the guy that told me how much he appreciates me, I think I was always an option for him but distance was a problem.

Well, I'm happy for him he got a girlfriend in January this year, he got engaged in July and is getting married today. All pretty quick ey but he's found the one he doesn't want to lose and good on him.

So, I'm off to their wedding and I'm looking forward to it muchly because Gretta comes out to play at weddings.

Lets go have fun baby.

Life Partner - what the fuck does that mean?

I love this blog and I hate this blog. This is the place where I am honest about my relationships. I am sure it wont surprise you that I have another blog which my friends read, those people I speak of regularly on here.

Anyway as I re-read over some posts on this blog, I found the post where it said that CD viewed me as his life partner. And how that had stunned me and what exactly that meant. So isn't it funny how so much can change. He said at the beginning of January he viewed me as his life partner but now I'm not even sure what he views me as but you don't treat your life partner the way he treated me.

Anyways that was a side point, because the whole reason I was reading over this blog was because I was trying to find a post about "The Player or Player" that's what I'm sure I named him, but I couldn't. Anyway The Player clearly his name speaks for itself seems to be interested in me again now i'm single. He doesn't live in my city. I don't really know what to do this guy has sooooo much going for him and when he asked me if I was currently dating I told him I wasn't but that I'm also just wanting me time at the moment so I don't plan to be dating for a month or 2 either (LIKE SOMEONE TELL ME WHERE GRETTA HAS GONE?).

So, I'm going to be seeing The Player on Thursday. Funnily enough i don't know how to play it.

Best Friend says if you want a night of passion he's your man, but if you're looking to settle then he's probably not your man.

Part of me so wants the night of passion, but the other part of me knows that I'm not that Gretta anymore, I'm not. I've had a taster of what it is to put someone else first, to give almost all you've got in a relationship, to be constantly thinking about someone eles and I kind of liked it, I liked it more when it was mutual, but I did like it. So I think I'd rather have a relationship than a night of passion and therefore I guess The Player isn't my "life partner". Now bring me someone who is please.

In other news I have to be on my best behaviour tonight. CD currently lodges with a family, and I got on REALLY WELL, LIKE REALLY WELL with the mum in this family, she was just so well like what I imagine me to be when i hit 50 I'm sure she was probably a bit of a Gretta when she was younger. So we got on really well and I figured taht I shouldn't let the fact that CD and I have broken up stop me from seeing her so I've invited her and one of her freinds round for a girly night tonight - I know me and 2 50yr olds (interesting combination). However, now I'm a bit nervous about it I have to try my hardest not to mention CD, or how I feel about the situation, because if I do I'm at risk of her going back and telling him. Like why on earth did I think this would be a good idea? Anyway, I have bacardi, I have chocolate and I'm gona pick up a chick flick on my way home from work and just hope taht I'm able to keep my big mouth shut and find a different neutral subject to talk about. Sometimes I do get mad at myself.

He's getting married in the morning.

Flatmate is getting married tomorrow.

He was online last week and told me, I told him I was tempted to turn up at the wedding and object. But he knew I was just joking with him...

I can hardly believe it, married to Gifty...

Gifty the one he said it was like chalk and cheese with. Married, Flatmate. Weird!

Men arrgghhh

I find myself frustrated with CD, even though he's been invited out he hasn't come out. This frustrates me, it's like we need to get used to socialising in a group again and he just doesn't come out anymore.

I spoke to him online last night and told him I'm looking forward to when he comes out with the guys again and i'll keep him posted when things are going on and he jsut logged off without saying goodbye.

I'm trying to be his friend here, I'm trying to make thing comfortable for both of us but to be honest.. I don't know why I'm bothering.

In other news my new stilleto brown leather boots arrived and they're to die for. Nothing like a bit of retail therapy.

Life is but a lesson

I sometimes think that my friends are the best friends in the world. Jerk Boy who I haven't caught up with really since being with CD. No fault of my own, JB himself stopped contacting me, and I got fed up of trying to make effort with someone who didn't seem bothered. Anyway back to point, Jerk Boy invited himself over Tuesday eve, and really just wanted the gossip which I willingly gave him.

Since then Best Friend, and another old friend and Jerk Boy all decided that they wanted to organise an X Factor night at my place Saturday night. I don't even watch X Factor but I think they all want to show me they care. After their persistence I sent out an email to all my close friends invitng them. Including CD.

Why invite CD, well I said that we'd be friends, he wouldn't have to spend any alone time with me, this way I don't isolate him from his friends too, and to be honest I think I'm strong enough. He sent an email back declining saying that he couldn't make it.

I don't mind that he couldn't make it, but I do worry where his head is at. I sometimes wonder if he knows he's lost one of the best things he could have ever had, that's not saying he wont meet a girl and fall in love, but all it's saying was I was darn accommodating and if he tried I reckon he could have fallen in love with me. He just didn't try and as a result I think he'll end up with someone far less giving, and far less loving, and far less accommodating.

I feel a bit empty because I gave so bloody much and that's my lesson learnt.

Oh well. Life is but a lesson.

I don't believe it..

So then I said:

When a few weeks before you break up you feel like you're dating Victor Meldrew you kind of know it's right. I mean he's 26 years old and he's only going to get more miserable with age!

I knew today was going to be a good day

when I said in my head

"now come on Gretta there are more important things to worry about like where the heck is your next chocolate bar going to come from and who is going to buy it for you"

twisted mind of Gretta

When any relationship breaks down you're gona have good days and bad days, today is a in the middle day. I feel like almost lost, like everything I'd been working towards, a future with him has gone. I don't really want to analyse anymore, I don't really want to talk about it anymore, I just want that day that I can picture in my mind where I'm not thinking about him, and how he is, if he's thinking about me too, to be here. I want that day to be today but it's not and I don't think it'll be here for a while.

I am trying my hardest not to rebound or run but in my head I've done both, I've run away to Australia to be with Teddy, I've contacted Teddy, I've thought about another guy I met at a wedding last year that I hit it off with even though CD and I were together, CD was away and couldn't make that wedding and I remember thinking if I weren't with CD you'd be an option, I instinctively remember a jealous twinge when this guy danced with another girl which was stupid because I was with CD at the time. My head is all over the shop, it's hard because work is crap at the moment to, redundancies all over the place, so I want to look for a new job but have no idea what to look for, so half of me does just want to escape at the moment, to just jack everything in and go away. I don't think that's the answer but my thoughts are really frustrating me.

I ended it (again).

Altho I'm pretty certain I did already...

He said "I've been able to establish some of my thoughts, and I started to struggle with commitment big time. After that I felt that I didn’t know if it were appropriate to spend too much time together" Then he said "the second thing is that I feel most alive when I'm adventuring and although you've tried to do it with me, you're very specific about what you like and what you don’t like and I fear that I wont be able to pursue my dreams of adventuring if I'm with him" then he said that "I feel likethe pressure of shifts at work, and my Climbing, and house moving, and sorting out the lodger at my house, and time with me has all felt really overwhelming and I haven't been able to show you how much I care about you because of time limitations" and he said that "you always request more time and it feels like it’s a schedule and I really struggle with that" He said "as for my heart I still don't know where it’s at, but yours seem to be closed?".

I told him mine is closed, I said that something became clear to me on Monday that I’d felt lied to that he’d known there was a problem and if I hadn’t have pushed Prague (we were suppose to be going on a long weekend to prague before Christmas and I said shouldn't we start organising it, and he said it's not the right time because I'm not sure i'm in love with you) may not have even told me.

A friend of his, told me that she hasn’t been impressed by the way he’s treated me and she wouldn’t have put up with it, I said that Bestfriend (my bestfriend) mentioned that when you’re in a relationship and the relationships getting stronger you want to spend more and more time together not less and less. I’ve always felt I’ve had to ask for your time because it’s something you’ve found hard to give to me and one evening a week isn't enough for a relationship to work, I mean look where it's brought us, and because I feel lied to I don’t know if I trust you anymore.

In 3 months time you’re gona consider going out to Ibiza to work there for a season. I don’t think I can go because I don’t like house music and the 2 go hand in hand, and to be honest, you were rude to me while we were away recently so why would I want to go away with someone who seems to change when they’re away from home? So yes I have closed my heart and I think it’s for the best this way you can pursue your dreams without worrying about me preventing you.

He was like "I don’t think you can base this decision on us being away or the fact that I'm considering working for a season in Ibiza" I said "I’m not I’m basing it on everything that’s happened over the last few weeks"

He was like "well what now?"

I said "no one can say we haven’t tried, we’ve given it a darn good go, we’ve had some good times together so we should be happy about those things. I’m good with being friends now" (like clearly we wont be close friends but you know I think I can be more civil than last time).

I gave him a chocolate bar and said “I think you’ll need this” and he said “have you got one aswell?” I said “of course I have” and walked away. As I was walking away He said “thank you for being an awesome girlfriend” I smiled 1. because I know that line wasn’t a lie and 2. Because my decision feels right.

cacking my pants.. Not sure why!

CD text me last night asking if we could meet up for a chat, I was busy last night so I said I'm busy but maybe another time. So then he text me back saying tomorrow? I reall think we need to chat things through. So I was umming and ahhhing for a while, you see I'd also made plans for this evening, so I text him back saying where and what time and he told me he was on a late so lunch works better for him, so I'm meeting him lunch time today, in roughly 30 mins. I'm shitting myself!!!!

Anyways, at least I still have my evening plans arranged.

I don't really know what I'm expecting, or what I want to say, or if I even have anything to say...

It's crazy....