Can't get no love without sacrifice.

Trying to put my feelings into words is probably one of the hardest things I seek to do. Often I come out with embarrassing things because I've begun to get flustered when trying to explain feelings.

Now I want to put feelings into words and I don't know where to start.

When I first met Climber Dude, I was attracted to him I thought he had amazing arms, a great arse, fantastic blue eyes, although it has to be said he's not your bog standard good looker. He's short, when I wear heals we're practically the same height and I'm only 5foot5. His face isn't particularly attractive bar when he smiles it lights up. Looks wise he isn't the sort of guy I usually go for but like I said, arms, arse and eyes - yep they're hot.

I met him first off a few years back, at the time I was hung up on Jerk Boy and if I am to be honest the whole English rugby squad could have been stood in front of me with tight white boxers on and I still wouldn't have looked because at the moment in time Jerk Boy was the guy for me. I have no idea why now! Climber Dude showed a little interest back then but he knew he couldn't get close because of Jerk Boy, and it didn't matter becasue he kept going off climbing mountains in Europe and all over the place.

I struggle letting people close to me. Flatmate used to jibe me a lot about the guards I had up around my heart he used to try his hardest to make me let them down, he used to always try and make me talk about personal stuff because in his words I never let him past surface level.

Even though Flatmate was the biggest tosser going I did take in a lot he said.

When Climber Dude first started asking me to hang out with him 2 months ago, I was a little sceptical, I didn't think we'd get on, I thought he'd bore me, I thought he'd expect me to open up to him and I wasn't sure I could and I just thought we'd hang out, I'd hate it, he'd hate it and that would be it. Not once did I ever imagine that I'd start to enjoy spending time with him, not once did I think I'd open up to him without being scared, truth is I've told Climber Dude about the time I was physically abused, I've told him all about the good bits and bad bits of my relationship with my parents and what it was like growing up with a dad who was so much of a workaholic that we never saw him and how I had to instigate and make the effort to build a relationship with my dad because he seemed not to care either way, I've told him exactly what my operation was for, and how much pain I've been in and what implications it might have on the future.

He's opened up to me to, telling me how his dad is suffering from cancer and how his mum doesn't get on with his brother's girlfriend and how although he lives 100miles away from his parents how he has a great relationship with both of them.

Truth is, I never thought I'd get this close to Climber Dude, and I never thought I'd enjoy spending time with his and I never thought I'd get feelings for him.

Last night at bowling he was getting on really well with a girl I've spoken about in the past, a girl called Ditzy (name self explainitory). I found myself getting REALLY jealous, I wanted his attention I certainly didn't want her getting it, I started comparing myself to her, she's thinner than me, but she doesn't seem to wear clothes that flatter her figure and sometimes I find myself wanted to dress her, but I couldn't help being curious as to whether he would be interested in someone like Ditzy. Ditzy is a friend but more often than not I find myself getting increasingly irritated by her, and now if I start getting jealousy zaps every time they chat I just don't know if I can handle it.

The worst thing is when I get my head in a good place and I try to think rationally about it all, I do end up thinking that although Climber Dude is a good friend and altho I really enjoy spending time with him and even though I've managed to let my guards down and open up to him in away I wouldn't let myself with Flatmate, we are 2 VERY different people and I'm not sure we're compatible and I'm not really sure why I enjoy spending time with him, nor why I'm jealous.

I hate feelings, not only can I not control them, they never make much sense, and putting them into words is darn hard. Ahh well, one day a time and see where it leads or where it doesn't.