His look gets me every time.

As I got in from work yesterday I flicked of my wedge boots, I put on my snug slippers, I dished myself out the ham salad that I’d made for lunch that morning but conveniently left at home. I gazed out of the window and sure enough the early, cold, dark evenings were drawing in. I hate this time of year but there’s always something intense in the air like the feel of romance, drinking wine while sat by the burning fire, letting the flames and the wine both heat your face, turning your cheeks rosey and soft.

As the thoughts of winter fun consumed me I decided to go and play with my hair and make up and make myself look sexy, suave and cute.

I had to pop round a colleagues house and drop round the project I’d taken home by mistake the night before and I kind of wanted him to see sexy Gretta because he’d not before – he’s totally married and old but I just wanted to give him a perk. This colleague lives just around the corner from Best Friend and Best Friend has been sick this week so I decided to pop in on her.

I stayed with Best Friend for about an hour and then drove back to my place, the temperature had dropped, it had started to rain as I noticed the drips on my windscreen. I pulled up and stepped out of the car, I could see a figure by my door, and as I walked up the garden path it was clear. Flatmate.

I certainly hadn’t planned to see him, he was cold, he looked as if he’d been there for a while. He was clearly shocked at how good I looked too. Which felt like I’d got one up on him, not that it’s a competition but it did. Lately when he randomly turns up I usually look like a slob about to have an early night.

Gretta: It’s still that time, you should leave. *pulls keys out of bag and begins to open door *

Flatmate: You look REALLY good.

Gretta: *looks at Flatmate*

His fluffy hair, and his droopy eyes, he was almost shivering, he looked like a little boy who’d lost his mum.

Gretta: Ok, ok come on.

We went into the house and I turned the fire on and told him to sit by it. I poured myself a rather large glass of wine and then remembered my fantasy of earlier and began to think that maybe pouring the wine wasn’t the wisest of my moves. I made Flatmate a coffee, knowing he’d need to drive later and there was no way he was staying over.

Flatmate: you look REALLY good.

I began to think that maybe I should make an effort more often more of the time. I made this effort for me no one I didn’t think anyone else would appreciate it but it made me feel good that Flatmate was and that his tongue was almost hanging out of his mouth. I sat by him by the fire. He reached for my hand, he looked sad.

Gretta: Has something happened you seem sad?

Flatmate: You look so good I want you so bad right now, and I know I can’t have you.

Gretta: And that’s why you look sad?

Flatmate: *nodds * You think I’m a dork don’t you.

Gretta: A little.

He leant over and kissed my lips slowly and softly, before I knew it I was leaning back on the carpet and he was on top of me kissing my neck, running his hands through my hair, his warm breath I could feel on my skin.

This was bad, I was weak, and nothing could happen. His hands then moved to my hips and he began to feel his way around my curves, slowly taking them under my top so he could feel my bra. I knew I should have stopped him but the words wouldn’t form, I found myself raising my arms and slowly pulled my top off over my head and began to kiss my stomach.

Gretta: *while trying to get some air* I still can’t you know.

Flatmate: I know, but can I just enjoy this

Gretta: sure.

I’m still unsure now why I agreed but sure enough the bra didn’t stay on and neither did his top as we pressed our bodies against each other, I let my breast rest against his chest as his hands began to touch every inch of my skin followed by a kiss from his soft lips. I wanted him so bad. I could feel how hard he was against me and began to undo his jeans, I found my self kissing his neck, kissing his body, wanting to keep him hard, wanting him to want me, wanting him. This was wrong, I could hear all of the comments written on my blog but in the moment I didn’t want him to stop, I wanted him to keep going.

My kisses began to get lower and lower, and my hands were beginning to feel my way from his buttocks to his manhood, he was wet, he was hard, I was wet but my lacy shoties were staying on. My fingers brushed over him, I began to rub him, he kissed my breasts letting his tongue tease my nipples.

Then I pulled away.

Flatmate: What’s wrong?

Gretta: Nothing but we seriously can’t go any further trust me it’s a turn off and I can’t do it.

Flatmate: Aren’t you going to suck me, I’d really like you to suck me.

That’s when it hit me, how cheap this thrill had been. Usually the thought of sucking him would fill me with ecstasy in that instant it filled me with disgust.

Gretta: You know what I’m done now.

I picked up my clothes and put them back on, I gave him his clothes. I actually felt a bit sorry for him he looked like a little boy who’d just had his favourite power ranger taken off him and told to tidy his room instead.

Flatmate: Are you mad at me now?

Gretta: No, not at you.

Truth is I was so mad at myself it was unbelievable. I was disappointed with myself. How could I let that happen, why can't I resist that man. I've not met anyone who has this unstoppable effect on me the way he does. Is it that he's unavailable is that why I let him get close because I know. Why with my ex boyfriends could I control my sexual desire with them and why can't I with Flatmate. Why does this taken guy have such a hold on me? Why have I allowed him too?

Flatmate: Gretta? You look sad

Gretta: I’m fine

Flatmate: Can I put you to bed before I leave, I’d really like too.

I found myself agreeing, probably for 2 reasons, one because I actually wanted someone to make me feel better and two because he still had that big dopey look on his face that he had when he was waiting at the front door.

I got myself into my jammies, and got into bed, he tucked me in and started stroking my hair, I closed my eyes.

My phone rudely awoke me at 7am. I thought it would be a text from Flatmate but to my shock it was a text from my mother

“Wear red to work in support of our friends in Burma”

There was no Flatmate in sight and I didn’t even hear him leave.