Like a slap in the face

It's finally hit me.

This Saturday, my someone, is getting married.

Wow. Wasn't I suppose to be the one marrying him? Wasn't I suppose to be part of his life? Wasn't it suppose to be me walking down the isle on Saturday? Wasn't it?

I knew the day he got engaged that this would be hard. However, I never quite thought that it would be this hard.

I am sat in my office, on my own (there is noone in today bar me) and tears are streaming out of my eyes. I feel so insecure and so confused.

I've been chatting to Flatmate. I know that I shouldn't but we're being good and just seeing how it goes as friends. However, chatting to him has just made me even more insecure. Why did he ever try it on with me when he has a girlfriend? and why hasn't he ended things with his girlfriend? are things with her really as bad as he has always told me? I am beginning to think not - he'll probably marry her.

The thing that makes it even more difficult is that I text Jerk Boy.

Jerk Boy and I will always be friends and he actually understands me when I get insecure. I mean is he really a guy? what guys understand girls when they get insecure? Well, Jerk Boy understand me.

I text him saying "I don't know what's wrong with me but I am feeling really insecure and low today. I just want to snap out of it I hate the insecure emotion" and he text me back saying "Go out at lunch time, get out of the office and go and get some sunshine, it is a bit nippy so wear your jacket". He knows what this office is like. It can be so depressing at times, definitely when noone else is in.

I took his advice - I went out at lunch and tried to enjoy the sunshine and I did. Yet when I get back I just slipped back into this depressive insecurity.

My Someone is getting married on Saturday, it's just sunk in and I feel like I've been slapped in the face.