One step at a time over the bridge of insecurity

I have to go and meet Climber Dude’s friends this evening. His old housemate and some other people they know, and let me tell you I am nervous as hell.

Reason behind why? I have no idea I am generally fine when meeting new people but for some reason this sort of circumstance really freaks me out. When I was with The X most of his friends were my friends, we really didn’t have separate people to meet, I think the worst I had to endure was the family gatherings and although they’re always nervous experiences, they know that and you know that so both sides know exactly what they’re in for.

I know I’m being silly, I listen to myself in my head and I sound silly, they’re just his friends and they’re bound to be chilled out, cool people but that doesn’t stop me being nervous, if anything it makes me even more. At least I get a meal cooked for me – I should try and focus on that.

I haven’t been in a committed relationship for about 5 years, when I speak of The X I am talking about something that was far off in the past, yet now I’m in a relationship I recognise that I have still have hang ups, hang ups that I thought I’d completely gotten over!

For example, The X used to tell me I was fat and podgey and needed to lose weight, the worst thing is I am a size 12 which is average for women in the UK in fact the average is 12 to 14.

However, now when climber dude runs his hands over my stomach, I fear he’s thinking the same thing. Now I know I’ve had a few casual flings since The X. for instance I didn’t care what Flatmate thought about my weight, he didn’t care all he wanted was fun, he wasn’t committed to me, he didn’t have the power to hurt me in the same way as someone who has committed to me, if that makes sense. I find myself saying things like “leave my podgey belly alone” then Climber Dude gets funny at me saying things like “you’re beautiful and you have a great figure” the thing is when he says those things I find it hard to believe him, which again is absolutely stupid, I hear myself and think man I have some insecurities here, insecurities that when single I honestly believed I’d dealt with.

I know it all stems from The X, I know it does. The x cheated on me twice and put me down at every opportunity he got so to have someone compliment me is a very rare thing – and I guess because it’s so rare it makes it hard to believe.

I’ve been wondering lately if things were easier when single, I definitely felt a lot more secure when single, but that’s because the only person that could let me down and hurt me, was me. Now I am vulnerable it’s that little bit more scary, I just keep telling myself to take it one step at a time. Gretta.... one step at a time.