watch this space

So,,,,,

I went over to CDs for lunch on Tuesday, and he had gone to real effort, he'd done pan fried chilly chicken, with ciabata bread and salad. It was delicious.

After lunch we chatted through everything, he clearly had his hopes up that we were getting back together, but I explained to him about the hurt he caused my family, how my friends don't think he's right for me, how he hurt me and that actually I'd much rather see him invest more time into our friendship before getting back into a relationship. The one thing I need is time. So, I said for now i wanted us to build up our friendship again but in secret, I don't want friends and family knowing. He agreed to this. I had my reasons, if it does go horribly wrong I don't have to deal with the I told me sos and just now, I think taking it slow is right and when I trust him fully then we can see where we go.

That night he called me and asked if I wanted to go the cinema to see Slumdog Millionairre, I really wanted to see that film, so went. He treated it as a date, he paid for me, he made an effort to open every door, I just saw him really really trying to impress me, and I was impressed.

I've not heard from him since then but to be honest I think that he needs time to process things, it's gona be a long hard road back if we get there and he really does have to be willing to walk it for me to take notice.

So with no further ado... I guess we watch this space...

What have I done??

CD is back.

Which has meant we've been chatting loads on msn as always. He told me that since we weren't together he has felt hollow and sick. He's told me he knows he didn't give me the time that I needed in our relationship, he said he realised that we were strangers to each other, he said he's sorry for the hurt he caused.

I don't really know how the conversation ended up in me saying do you want to go for some food before your night shift? I couldn't believe it when he said no because he needed sleep.

I was angry.... He told me he realised he didn't give me time I asked him for his time and he said no.. He said he wanted to say yes, but he wont make it through the night shift without some sleep, he then said but we can do lunch tomorrow.

I was angry... still... so I said to him all you've done CD is confirm to me that there will always be something more important than me. then i logged off.

Then he text me saying believe me Gretta my work is not more important than you. I didn't reply, then he rang, I didn't answer, then he rang again, I didn't answer, then he rang a third time, the only reason I answered was because I was actually impressed with his persistence. He then chatted to me on the phone, clearly trying to get me to warm to him. I told him he was suppose to be sleeping and he said there was no way he could sleep now, so we just chatted and then he said so lunch tomorrow? I said ummmmm... He said well is that a yes or a no and I said "it's an i don't know" he laughed, I laughed, I sounded childish, but I was mad at him. In the end I agreed to lunch, that I'd drive to his place on my lunch break - it's gona be weird I haven't been in his place since we split up. To be honest I don't actually think we're gona get back together, so this why I don't really know what I'm doing. He seems happy, he seems full of hope that we might be getting back together, I told him not to get his hopes up, that I'm not going to rush back into anything.

To be frank I just want to be his friend, if he can put time and attention into our friendship then I might trust him in a relationship but at the moment I think friendship is all I have to offer, I'm not sure he's thinking the same thing.

For some reason I seemed to have really made a good effect on that boy, even thought are relationship was hurtful for both of us...

I'll never understand men!

games men play

CD is away skiing this week and it's been nice to just have that time to once again reassess everything that was said over the last few weeks. In fact it was 20 days ago today that he told me he still views me as a possible 'life partner'. I guess no 1 day has gone by since that day where I haven't thought about what exactly he meant by that. What I do know though is his words still have no action behind them.

Since he's been skiing he's text me enough to make sure that if there is any possiblitity of reuniting that he's got a foot in but not enough to make me think he's fighting hard for the girl.

I'm wondering what game he's playing, if he expects to win, if he wants to win, or if he just wants to play a game for a while.

I so need a new focus.

Is excited.

I am back...

Had a fab time away... Fab fab time...

Met an 18 year old American boy.. I classed him as my little brother, if he was older, I would have most definitely gone there. He was handsome, caring, and kind of naive.. I liked it and him but he was far too young for Gretta, far too young, I'd eat the poor boy alive..

Other than that the rest of the group were girls, the work was hard and my time was busy, but I got to celebrate Christmas day while I was there so that was very cool as Ukraine Christmas day is 7th Jan..

Back to it.

Met CD for lunch yesterday and we discussed the conversation we had before I went away, he's come to realise that he doesn't love himself and he thinks his father has wounded him in the past in someway so feels that he's on a journey of self discovery.

That makes actually the most sense than anything else he's ever said, he's no way ready to be in a relationship so I've let him go. I thought I'd already let him go but one minute he's telling me he sees me as his life partner the next minute he's telling me he needs to find out who he is nad go on a journey of self discovery. So all I've learned from the last few weeks is he is just as confused as he has always been and need someone who is sure.

So I have a friend, who has offered to set me up with a friend of hers who I have never met but I saw a picture of and who I thought was handsome. He seems up for being set up too. So, at some point she's going to give him my email address to add me on facebook and we're gona go from there.

I'm so exited about 2009 at the moment it's unbelievable I just feel that things are getting sorted out, that there are surprises to come and the anticipation in my stomach is such a good feeling.

Worth fight for...

As you all should know very early Sunday morning I'm off for a week to the Ukraine, will be visitng and working in some orphanages while I'm there, I'm working with an international team of people for a non profit organisation that are based in the Ukraine full time.

Anyway, guess what happened today....

CD turned up at my workplace with a coat for me to take, the coat that he used to lend me when we went walking together. I looked at him, I thanked him for the offer and then said "I've bought a new coat that will be suitable" it felt good that feeling that I had no need for what he was offering me.

Yet then I got to thinking what a bizarre thing for CD to do, to come to my workplace with his coat. I started reading things into it, I tried not to but I was curious.

So when I got home from work and saw him online I couldn't help but want to start to probe him about "HIS TRIP" you know the trip that meant more to him than me, the trip that meant our relationship was more about when we were going and where we'd go than actually falling in love with each other, the trip that was originally his trip, turned into our trip then went back to being his trip, the trip that was suppose to happen in 2009. Which it now is, so I asked him.

He told me he was pissed off with his trip, the he feels it's become an obsession, that he'd lived so much for the future he forgot to live in the day he was living in.

It didn't really make much sense.

He said he'd been uncertain about the trip and afraid. I told him that I was confused, that he's always been sure about the trip so why's he uncertain now and what's he afraid. He avoided the question by asking me why we can talk so easily over msn but we can't face to face. I told him taht was a good way of avoiding the question, that he doens't have to tell me what he's afraid of, but he needs to find out what it is so he can overcome it and reach his dream.

He then told me he was afraid of moving on, that he was struggling to move on from the feelings he has for me, that he's still questioning whether the girl of his dreams would be soul/life partner and that's what he's afraid of, he's afraid if he goes he loses me.

I was shocked.

Where the heck did that come from?

The only thing I can think of is it's because I'm going away and about to meet loads of new people and he's concerned about that. As far as I'm concerned he was over me, he never seemed bothered about me when we've been out in groups lately.

Anyway, I told him that it didn't work last time, so why would it work again, I told him I was a crap girlfriend and gave him a long list of all the crap I did when we were together. How I wasn't myself around his friends, how I wasn't myself around his family, how I let a book infliuence my decision on some of the things I did with him, how I made him feel pressured, how I brought out the worst in him. I told him I was a crap girlfriend.

He told me I was the most faithful and loving girlfriend a man could want.

Gretta... What the heck happened to Gretta.... Someone described Gretta as a faithful and loving girlfriend.

Anyway, I asked him how long he'd been feeling this way, and he said it wasn't important, I've moved on and now he has too. He was right, I understood that much.

I can't let this conversation drag me back in, it's just words, CD has never fought for me, I've never felt worth fighting for, and even now he can say the words over msn, but he's not at my door with a bunch of flowers begging me to come back, he's not fighting for me, he's just using words to probably prevent me from wanting to get to know someone new.

At the end of the day his timing is terrible, I now have to go away knowing that CD was thinking that, when I thought he was moving on.

The worst thing is, if he actually fought for me, if he made me feel like I was someone worth fighting for, I may have just considered it but the one lesson I've learnt since we broke up is that I am someone who worth fighting for and worth being loved. And those things are more than just words they're actions, and I don't see any actions and I don't expect too because he had never shown me how he feels.

So, now I will zap that conversation to the back of my mind, and I will go and have an enjoyable time away.

Happy New Year.