Worth fight for...
As you all should know very early Sunday morning I'm off for a week to the Ukraine, will be visitng and working in some orphanages while I'm there, I'm working with an international team of people for a non profit organisation that are based in the Ukraine full time.
Anyway, guess what happened today....
CD turned up at my workplace with a coat for me to take, the coat that he used to lend me when we went walking together. I looked at him, I thanked him for the offer and then said "I've bought a new coat that will be suitable" it felt good that feeling that I had no need for what he was offering me.
Yet then I got to thinking what a bizarre thing for CD to do, to come to my workplace with his coat. I started reading things into it, I tried not to but I was curious.
So when I got home from work and saw him online I couldn't help but want to start to probe him about "HIS TRIP" you know the trip that meant more to him than me, the trip that meant our relationship was more about when we were going and where we'd go than actually falling in love with each other, the trip that was originally his trip, turned into our trip then went back to being his trip, the trip that was suppose to happen in 2009. Which it now is, so I asked him.
He told me he was pissed off with his trip, the he feels it's become an obsession, that he'd lived so much for the future he forgot to live in the day he was living in.
It didn't really make much sense.
He said he'd been uncertain about the trip and afraid. I told him that I was confused, that he's always been sure about the trip so why's he uncertain now and what's he afraid. He avoided the question by asking me why we can talk so easily over msn but we can't face to face. I told him taht was a good way of avoiding the question, that he doens't have to tell me what he's afraid of, but he needs to find out what it is so he can overcome it and reach his dream.
He then told me he was afraid of moving on, that he was struggling to move on from the feelings he has for me, that he's still questioning whether the girl of his dreams would be soul/life partner and that's what he's afraid of, he's afraid if he goes he loses me.
I was shocked.
Where the heck did that come from?
The only thing I can think of is it's because I'm going away and about to meet loads of new people and he's concerned about that. As far as I'm concerned he was over me, he never seemed bothered about me when we've been out in groups lately.
Anyway, I told him that it didn't work last time, so why would it work again, I told him I was a crap girlfriend and gave him a long list of all the crap I did when we were together. How I wasn't myself around his friends, how I wasn't myself around his family, how I let a book infliuence my decision on some of the things I did with him, how I made him feel pressured, how I brought out the worst in him. I told him I was a crap girlfriend.
He told me I was the most faithful and loving girlfriend a man could want.
Gretta... What the heck happened to Gretta.... Someone described Gretta as a faithful and loving girlfriend.
Anyway, I asked him how long he'd been feeling this way, and he said it wasn't important, I've moved on and now he has too. He was right, I understood that much.
I can't let this conversation drag me back in, it's just words, CD has never fought for me, I've never felt worth fighting for, and even now he can say the words over msn, but he's not at my door with a bunch of flowers begging me to come back, he's not fighting for me, he's just using words to probably prevent me from wanting to get to know someone new.
At the end of the day his timing is terrible, I now have to go away knowing that CD was thinking that, when I thought he was moving on.
The worst thing is, if he actually fought for me, if he made me feel like I was someone worth fighting for, I may have just considered it but the one lesson I've learnt since we broke up is that I am someone who worth fighting for and worth being loved. And those things are more than just words they're actions, and I don't see any actions and I don't expect too because he had never shown me how he feels.
So, now I will zap that conversation to the back of my mind, and I will go and have an enjoyable time away.
Happy New Year.
Anyway, guess what happened today....
CD turned up at my workplace with a coat for me to take, the coat that he used to lend me when we went walking together. I looked at him, I thanked him for the offer and then said "I've bought a new coat that will be suitable" it felt good that feeling that I had no need for what he was offering me.
Yet then I got to thinking what a bizarre thing for CD to do, to come to my workplace with his coat. I started reading things into it, I tried not to but I was curious.
So when I got home from work and saw him online I couldn't help but want to start to probe him about "HIS TRIP" you know the trip that meant more to him than me, the trip that meant our relationship was more about when we were going and where we'd go than actually falling in love with each other, the trip that was originally his trip, turned into our trip then went back to being his trip, the trip that was suppose to happen in 2009. Which it now is, so I asked him.
He told me he was pissed off with his trip, the he feels it's become an obsession, that he'd lived so much for the future he forgot to live in the day he was living in.
It didn't really make much sense.
He said he'd been uncertain about the trip and afraid. I told him that I was confused, that he's always been sure about the trip so why's he uncertain now and what's he afraid. He avoided the question by asking me why we can talk so easily over msn but we can't face to face. I told him taht was a good way of avoiding the question, that he doens't have to tell me what he's afraid of, but he needs to find out what it is so he can overcome it and reach his dream.
He then told me he was afraid of moving on, that he was struggling to move on from the feelings he has for me, that he's still questioning whether the girl of his dreams would be soul/life partner and that's what he's afraid of, he's afraid if he goes he loses me.
I was shocked.
Where the heck did that come from?
The only thing I can think of is it's because I'm going away and about to meet loads of new people and he's concerned about that. As far as I'm concerned he was over me, he never seemed bothered about me when we've been out in groups lately.
Anyway, I told him that it didn't work last time, so why would it work again, I told him I was a crap girlfriend and gave him a long list of all the crap I did when we were together. How I wasn't myself around his friends, how I wasn't myself around his family, how I let a book infliuence my decision on some of the things I did with him, how I made him feel pressured, how I brought out the worst in him. I told him I was a crap girlfriend.
He told me I was the most faithful and loving girlfriend a man could want.
Gretta... What the heck happened to Gretta.... Someone described Gretta as a faithful and loving girlfriend.
Anyway, I asked him how long he'd been feeling this way, and he said it wasn't important, I've moved on and now he has too. He was right, I understood that much.
I can't let this conversation drag me back in, it's just words, CD has never fought for me, I've never felt worth fighting for, and even now he can say the words over msn, but he's not at my door with a bunch of flowers begging me to come back, he's not fighting for me, he's just using words to probably prevent me from wanting to get to know someone new.
At the end of the day his timing is terrible, I now have to go away knowing that CD was thinking that, when I thought he was moving on.
The worst thing is, if he actually fought for me, if he made me feel like I was someone worth fighting for, I may have just considered it but the one lesson I've learnt since we broke up is that I am someone who worth fighting for and worth being loved. And those things are more than just words they're actions, and I don't see any actions and I don't expect too because he had never shown me how he feels.
So, now I will zap that conversation to the back of my mind, and I will go and have an enjoyable time away.
Happy New Year.
posted by Gretta James at 12:18 PM
1 Comments:
I think you're probably a better girlfriend than you think
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