I hope I haven't just took something perfect and painted it red

This last week has been a bit of a weird week CD and I really haven't spent much time together at all, work has been crazy for both of us, I'd had some night's out with friends pre-planned so while he had 2 nights in this week I had 2 nights out and our time soon disappeared amongst work meeting, night shifts, and other stuff.

There had been something I'd been meaning to talk to him about for a while. You see a few months ago he asked what I wanted to do for my birthday which is this month, he asked if I wanted to go away for the weekend and if I did he'd have to change his shift because he's working that Saturday.

After what happened last year, I'd already come to the conclusion in my head that I didn't want to go away for the weekend with just CD, I wanted have a birthday with friends around me instead, him too but not just him. So I just said I'd like to go for a meal with Best Friend and her hubby. He was a little disappointed a little surprised I saw it on his face but I was budging. You see Gretta, Boyfriends and Birthdays don't mix. The Ex turned up 2 hours late to my 18th birthday party (seems like ages ago now) but that memory still hangs in my mind, my 18th birhtday when you expect your boyfriend, the love of your life at the time to spoil you rotten, was 2 hours late for my party - not just 10 minutes late 2 hours. Everyone was asking me where he was? why he wasn't there? and when I called him to find out his phone was off. It was just awful and when he finally turned up there was no surprise for me just him and a present. Lets just say it was a memorable birthday but for all the wrong reasons.

The Ex and I broke up when I was 21, I was left devasted and had practically 5 years of singledom before deciding it was time for me to try a relationship again with CD. Ok so I had a fling with Flatmate, and got it on with a few guys along the way, I'm not saying I didn't but you know serious, it's time for Gretta to grow up now relationship was with CD. So to have what happened last year on my birthday weekend happen, shocked me, I thought our relationship was in a good place but that weekend I sensed there was a problem, I paid my half for the weekend away and I had specifically asked for a cd as my present but figured in my mind maybe he'd surprise me with something else, even if it's just breakfast in bed, a cup of tea in bed, a cuddle in bed... Something. There was no breakfast, no tea, no cuddle and it was clear to me that there was a problem in our relationship and it was my birthday and I was far away from friends and family.

So this year, after all that got sorted out I just decided that no Gretta, Boyfriends and Birthdays don't really mix. The only issue is today I decided to fill CD in on the above I told him I felt that I should communicate it with him so he'd understand, that I'm not doing it to disappoint or hurt him. He kind of understood but kind of didn't either. Things were said like

"But Gretta I spent my birthday with just you"

"I guess I thought our relationship was in a better place now and that you'd put the past behind us"

He asked me outright if I was still hanging on to the past, and I said to him in all honesty "I don't think I am not when it comes to our daily relationship, but I just think that when I think about my birthday, I think I had high expectations about feeling loved on it and last year I didn't, and the one thing I know is that my friends have never made me feel unloved on birthday"

I knew my words were hurting him, but he could remember last year too and remembered the hurt I experienced, so I think he's accepted that this year I just want to have a birthday at home with my friends.

I'm not saying I'll never have a birthday alone with CD I'm just saying that this year I want a happy one, and hanging out with my best friend and her hubby and CD will I'm sure make it a happy one.