Unsure & Insecure....

Dreams.

So, last night CD told me that he was still dreaming about doing some travelling. He happened to mention that he was considering 6mths travelling next year. So I asked him what the meant for our relationship to which he said "well you'll be coming with me".

This took my by surprise, I know last time round I was all up for going with him, I know I was and as a response to his statement of "well you'll be coming with me" I kind of though "well yes I suppose I will" but since that conversation of last night, I've just began to get really insecure.

Now call me a girl all you like but I have a dream, and my dream is to fall in love, get married, do some travel with my husband before having children.

For me to admit that is quite hard, I don't often let people see that, I mean I'm Gretta the play girl, I'm not Gretta the settling down type or at least I wasn't or at least I didn't want people to see that I was. As I started to fall in love with CD I started to imagine those things, the getting married, our children, I allowed myself to dream that dream because that dream for the first time in my life began to seem a little more reachable.

So now I'm thinking it's not that I don't want to travel it's just I'd rather do it when I'm married. Why it even matters is beyond me but marriage will just bring a little more security. I don't know why I think that. However, with me beginning to think about my dream I've started to question whether CD is in love with me and this is bad because at the moment I'm not convinced he does.

He's never told me he loves me, but in his defence he acts like he does, I see him looking at me in what I cna only describe as admoration, I see him reaching for me when I'm sad or upset, I know in all I do he's supportive and only wants the best for me. I know he cares, I'd even go as far to say he probably loves me I'm just not sure if he's in love with me.

I've never received a bunch of flowers from a man... Never! CD knows this, he knows it's somethign I've wanted, and yet after 8mths he still hasn't sent me any flowers, I know it's such a little thing, but for me it's an important thing it says I love you without saying I love you. And CD hasn't done it. So he hasn't said it nor has he sent it but sometimes he does show it.

So what it boils down to is this conversation of yesterday has led me to question our relationship. If he isn't in love with me after 8mths, is he capable of falling in love with me? He says he sees a future with me, so when he says that it makes me think he is capable but I'm wondering how far off in the future this might be. Because I was kind of thinking in January we'd have been together for a year, we'd then be thinking about getting engaged and then possibly married, and he's been thinking next year we're gona go traveling for 6 months, marriage doesn't even seem to be on his mind.

So his dream is to travel the world and my dream is for him to love me and marry me. I'm beginning to think that my dream might not be a priority for him. I guess to know for sure I need to approach the subject, but I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to. How do you say to a guy you were hoping to marry him before traveling without him getting completely freaked and running a mile, how do you ask someone if they love you without risking the answer might be no, how do you tell someone you are in love with them knowing that by doing so it could be the end.

I just guess I thought I knew where we were heading until last night, last night my dream was left feeling once again like an impossible dream.