Almost exactly a year... Almost...

Yesterday, I broke up with CD.

He wouldn't accept it. Which was difficult he told me he needs more time, please can I give him more time, he needs to figure out his feelings. I told him I'd give him more time but truth is my decision is made, if the boy doesn't know by now if he's in love with me or not he aint never gona go and reading back this blog.. Realising that almost exactly a year to the day our relationship ended last time only makes me think something is really weird about that.

Fate as they have it doesn't want us to be together and actually neither do I.

Inevitable?

CD told me last night that he loves me, he just doesn't know if he's in love with me. He still wants us to be together, he just isn't sure if we have a future anymore and he's not not in love with me, he just doesn't know.

I've tried to be the ideal girlfriend, not pushing him, giving him space when he's needed it, being supportive, caring and loving.

I contacted Teddy it was probably wrong of me to do so but I needed a stern talking to and Teddy always has a way with me. Anyway he's as far away from me as he could possibly be and as soon as I said I needed his advice and could he come online, he was there online giving me advice and then if being online wasn't enough he called me to talk to me so I'd hear his calm collective voice at the same time. He told me that it sounds to him like CD doesn't know what love is and at times in a relationship you have to work at things, sounds like he's got to the stage where the romance is fading and he suddenly is questioning what that means, that most guys go through it and that maybe I need to be patient. It's hard though to know that your boyfriend is unsure about the feelings he has for you. Teddy was really assuring though he kept telling me that this is not my fault, and that it sounds to him like CD is the one with the problem, and actually unless he deals with it, it could become a reoccuring cycle for him. He filled me with a kind of hope and assurance, it was actually what I needed.

I didn't sleep much last night, tossed and turned feeling very confused. I'm a simple girl really I want what all girls want to be loved and desired. He doesn't know if he's in love with me but he doesn't want us to break up either. I can't help but think he'll just hang on until something better comes along, but to be frank I don't think he could get much better than me, he's not the easiest of men, he doesn't communicate well - never has, he can be selfish just thinking about what effect things have on him and not anyone else, and he tried too hard to impress others sometimes, yet through all of his faults I still love him. I sometimes wonder why, but I do.

I just wish I knew what was right to do in this situation, do Icontinue to love him, show him what I believe love is, to love even when things are tough, to love even when you don't feel loved back, to love even through pain, or do I just walk away? For some odd reason I just think he doesn't understand love - now I'm no saint but aren't there words said at most weddings about love being patient, and love being kind, and love isn't rude or love doesn't boast, or puff up, but actually love is long suffering and love is a great gift. Do I continue to show him that love, or do I find someone who can show me that kind of love.

Arrggghh men.

So much for my cave theory as well, I think I'm gona stop reading self help books and just rely on woman's intuition.

Good News

Last night CD showed first signs of coming of the cave, and I began to be a bit more clear on the reasons behind why he's in the cave. I'm just gona give him a bit more space and next week I'm thinking my boyfriend might be back. Gee am I looking forward to next week.

p.s Scotty - CD and I went away for a few weeks hence the no blogging.

The Cave...

I can't believe how blind I've been lately.

So, CD has been acting really weirdly, it's like my boyfriend has totally disappeared, become real distant, and I've just felt neglected and unloved. It's been horrible a really trying time for me.

Then just out of the blue I was reminded of that silly book that actually isn't that silly. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus.

It was then that I realised that CD was in his cave, he's been in his cave for a week or so, and it's been horrid. I've just been waiting for my boyfriend, my caring, loving boyfriend to come back to me.....

Yesterday, I did something real stupid. I asked him on the phone if there was a problem, and now I've just read on the net that if you do that you're chasing him intp the cave further. I just want my boyfriend back that's all.

Anyways, I'm just going to do some things that make me smile and happy and be in a good mood when he returns, it's hard though becuase I feel so rejected and neglected right now and I am beginning to fear that he might never come out.