Is this the end!!!
I knew this wild camping weekend would either be the making or the breaking of us.
I feel like it’s the latter, not that I know that for sure of course because when I tried to explain to CD my issues, he seemed blissfully unaware that there was a problem.
So, in the car on the way home we had this conversation.
CD: Gretta you’ve been miserable most of the weekend, did you enjoy any of it?
Gretta: I enjoyed the canoeing, I know you think I didn’t but I did. However, I didn’t enjoy the camping. I don’t enjoy conventional camping when I have toilet facilities and a big tent, so how on earth was I ever going to enjoy a one man tent, with just me in it, in a field of cows while having to pee in a bush. It’s just not something I enjoy. Yet that’s not the only reason I was miserable. I could see the way you were looking at me, the expectations you had, you wanted so badly for me to love it, to enjoy every moment, to want to do it for me and not for you.
The pressure of your expectations also gave me a lot to think about while canoeing because I knew I couldn’t meet them, I didn’t enjoy camping and I know you will always want to go trekking through wild places doing wild things, wild camping but I’m not sure I’ll ever be that type of girl. You keep mentioning the future and I’m not sure I can be what you need or what you want. I think you need to think about things there's no point getting deeper involved if a few months down the line we end up having a conversation about how I don't enjoy camping.
CD: I want to see the beauty of those things and yes I want to do it with my wife, and camping is a cheap alternative, we can’t stay in youth hostels or hotels all the time, we'll never get to go away and in wild places you do that for the beauty, I don't enjoy not being able to have a shower but it's a sacrifice you make to see the natural beauty that is in this world.
Gretta: I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying. I’m saying you need to seriously have a think if I’m the type of girl you want, because if I’m not then we need to think about now before we end up getting really hurt.
CD: I’m frazzled, too tired to think about this now so I’m gona drop you off and go home.
Gretta: ok. (not really knowing what he’s thinking after what I said).
Later that night I get this text
“Thank you for spending the weekend with me, sleep well, CD xx”
That was yesterday. I haven't replied to that text and I've not heard from him since.
I still don’t know what he’s thinking I’ve decided just to give him some space, I’m not even sure if he understood what I was trying to say.
Ultimately I don’t want to end things with him, but nor do I believe I can be the girl that he wants me to be. I thought after all of my backpacking in the past if anyone can do the whole roughing it thing, then it would be me. Yet I really did struggle, I was cranky, miserable and it was noticable to all of the lads I was awat with. I need to feel clean, I need to shower, I know it might sound ridiculous, but I actually don't need a lot, but I need to feel clean and need to have a good night's sleep (without being disturbed by cows grazing outside of my tent at 4.30am) otherwise I get grumpy and that’s not going to be fun for him or me!
So who knows, I hope we can work through it, I’m just not convinced that I am right for him, not if I can’t do the whole wild camping thing that he enjoys so much. He needs to find someone he can share that with and I’m just don’t think that someone is me!
I feel like it’s the latter, not that I know that for sure of course because when I tried to explain to CD my issues, he seemed blissfully unaware that there was a problem.
So, in the car on the way home we had this conversation.
CD: Gretta you’ve been miserable most of the weekend, did you enjoy any of it?
Gretta: I enjoyed the canoeing, I know you think I didn’t but I did. However, I didn’t enjoy the camping. I don’t enjoy conventional camping when I have toilet facilities and a big tent, so how on earth was I ever going to enjoy a one man tent, with just me in it, in a field of cows while having to pee in a bush. It’s just not something I enjoy. Yet that’s not the only reason I was miserable. I could see the way you were looking at me, the expectations you had, you wanted so badly for me to love it, to enjoy every moment, to want to do it for me and not for you.
The pressure of your expectations also gave me a lot to think about while canoeing because I knew I couldn’t meet them, I didn’t enjoy camping and I know you will always want to go trekking through wild places doing wild things, wild camping but I’m not sure I’ll ever be that type of girl. You keep mentioning the future and I’m not sure I can be what you need or what you want. I think you need to think about things there's no point getting deeper involved if a few months down the line we end up having a conversation about how I don't enjoy camping.
CD: I want to see the beauty of those things and yes I want to do it with my wife, and camping is a cheap alternative, we can’t stay in youth hostels or hotels all the time, we'll never get to go away and in wild places you do that for the beauty, I don't enjoy not being able to have a shower but it's a sacrifice you make to see the natural beauty that is in this world.
Gretta: I don’t think you’re understanding what I’m saying. I’m saying you need to seriously have a think if I’m the type of girl you want, because if I’m not then we need to think about now before we end up getting really hurt.
CD: I’m frazzled, too tired to think about this now so I’m gona drop you off and go home.
Gretta: ok. (not really knowing what he’s thinking after what I said).
Later that night I get this text
“Thank you for spending the weekend with me, sleep well, CD xx”
That was yesterday. I haven't replied to that text and I've not heard from him since.
I still don’t know what he’s thinking I’ve decided just to give him some space, I’m not even sure if he understood what I was trying to say.
Ultimately I don’t want to end things with him, but nor do I believe I can be the girl that he wants me to be. I thought after all of my backpacking in the past if anyone can do the whole roughing it thing, then it would be me. Yet I really did struggle, I was cranky, miserable and it was noticable to all of the lads I was awat with. I need to feel clean, I need to shower, I know it might sound ridiculous, but I actually don't need a lot, but I need to feel clean and need to have a good night's sleep (without being disturbed by cows grazing outside of my tent at 4.30am) otherwise I get grumpy and that’s not going to be fun for him or me!
So who knows, I hope we can work through it, I’m just not convinced that I am right for him, not if I can’t do the whole wild camping thing that he enjoys so much. He needs to find someone he can share that with and I’m just don’t think that someone is me!
posted by Gretta James at 6:34 AM
3 Comments:
Ah, no girl is 'that' girl. I don't mean to sound flippant but it's true.
He knows that too. Honestly, there's a lot of people out there who 'think' they can be that person. I've been one of them. I think you're incredibly brave to admit that you can't be!
so many people try and be the person they think their partner wants them to be. you didn't fake it. you tried it and it didn't work for you.
You were honest. Some people go through their whole lives not being honest to the person they love. I'm so impressed that you had the guts to admit it!
Does CD have a brother that maybe lives in San Diego? :-) I love being dirty, camping and not showering!!!! In any event, I applaud you for being so straight forward with him, that was awesome my friend!!
apparently jeremy clarkson doesn't think much of camping either.
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