A connection and a closeness that is hard to ignore!
Ok so myself and Climber Dude aren’t compatible and yes yes he’ll probably be a really good friend but I did find myself really beginning to like the idea of a stable relationship which I know whatever girl gets him that’s what they’ll have. So, yeah I was liking the idea.
Last night I was reminded again of how completely incompatible we are. I was chatting to him online, yes he struck up the conversation with me, yes he made that bit of effort and therefore I chatted back. He asked what I was up to on Saturday and I told him about my hair appointment. Well, he made me feel bad about having a hair appointment as if there was so many other things I could be doing with my Saturday rather than getting my haircut. What the crap? I came away feeling bad that I’d booked myself a hair appointment and some relaxation time.
Anyway, he wound me up a bit.
This is the bad bit though. You see on Tuesday Flatmate was online and I happened to tell Flatmate about the Climber Dude situation and how it was upsetting me.
Then during me feeling guilty for booking a hair appointment. Flatmate appeared online and started chatting to me. He started telling me how much he’d missed me lately, how he missed the sound of my voice, how he missed me not judging him, how he’d missed seeing my face and my smile and how he’d missed me getting excited about the smallest things, he told me he missed us being naughty with one another. It was really random, he didn't even know that at the same time I was chatting to Climber Dude who was making me feel back about myself.
I started to feel better, I started to tell him how I’d missed him too, how I’d missed him talking to me for hours, how I’d missed him randomly turning up and us chatting the night away, how I’d missed the closeness we had.
I know, I know I shouldn’t have been reminiscing about how good the past was definitely considering it was all a facade anyway, but the facade even tho it's just a pipe dream facade it was making me feel alive inside.
He asked if he could come round, I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea as I was feeling vulnerable, he said that he was going to come over anyway. I like it when he gets assertive but I also know he’s got a girlfriend and we just can’t pick things up where we left things.
About 45minutes later he’s at my place and I just feel too weak to tell him to leave, definitely considering he’s driven from the city next to my city and truth is I wanted him to be there I’ve been craving for some attention lately.
We sit on the couch, and I lay my head on his shoulder, he gently runs his fingers through my hair. We just sit chatting about us. He was telling me how I accept him for who he is, how when he gets cranky I allow him to be cranky. I laughed. I don’t really allow him to be cranky, when he’s cranky I just take the piss out of him until he starts to laugh. He then said how he missed my smart arse comments and how I make him feel. He asked if he should stop telling me how much he missed about me, I told him that maybe he should. I told him that he shouldn’t have come, but I’m glad he did. I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with him because until now we’ve been doing really well (also I feel like he knew I was vulnerable and was using that to his advantage) he told me he didn’t come because he expected me to sleep with him but just that he wanted to be with me. My heart was melting slowly inside. If only he was single, if only.
“Hey you’re tired” he said.
He was right I was completely shattered these past few days had really taken things out of me.
“How about I put you to bed for old times sake” he said.
I couldn’t argue with him, he picked me up into his arms like he always used too when I was tired and he carried me to my bed (I was already in my jammies it was late when he arrived), he jumped in beside me, he pulled me close, my I’d missed that smell and this closeness, he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. I fell asleep in his arms.
I remember waking up to use the loo and he was still there and when I came back from the loo he asked me if I was ok, to which I said I was fine (although I’d already started to think about Gifty and if Gifty was me, how I’d feel and why when it comes to Flatmate does he manage to have this hold on me, I also was thinking I should really put this to an end before it starts, Christmas is coming I don’t want to be thinking about Flatmate being with Gifty at Christmas, thoughts were already consuming my mind) yep I’m fine I said. I snuggled up and went back to sleep.
Last night I was reminded again of how completely incompatible we are. I was chatting to him online, yes he struck up the conversation with me, yes he made that bit of effort and therefore I chatted back. He asked what I was up to on Saturday and I told him about my hair appointment. Well, he made me feel bad about having a hair appointment as if there was so many other things I could be doing with my Saturday rather than getting my haircut. What the crap? I came away feeling bad that I’d booked myself a hair appointment and some relaxation time.
Anyway, he wound me up a bit.
This is the bad bit though. You see on Tuesday Flatmate was online and I happened to tell Flatmate about the Climber Dude situation and how it was upsetting me.
Then during me feeling guilty for booking a hair appointment. Flatmate appeared online and started chatting to me. He started telling me how much he’d missed me lately, how he missed the sound of my voice, how he missed me not judging him, how he’d missed seeing my face and my smile and how he’d missed me getting excited about the smallest things, he told me he missed us being naughty with one another. It was really random, he didn't even know that at the same time I was chatting to Climber Dude who was making me feel back about myself.
I started to feel better, I started to tell him how I’d missed him too, how I’d missed him talking to me for hours, how I’d missed him randomly turning up and us chatting the night away, how I’d missed the closeness we had.
I know, I know I shouldn’t have been reminiscing about how good the past was definitely considering it was all a facade anyway, but the facade even tho it's just a pipe dream facade it was making me feel alive inside.
He asked if he could come round, I told him I didn’t think it was a good idea as I was feeling vulnerable, he said that he was going to come over anyway. I like it when he gets assertive but I also know he’s got a girlfriend and we just can’t pick things up where we left things.
About 45minutes later he’s at my place and I just feel too weak to tell him to leave, definitely considering he’s driven from the city next to my city and truth is I wanted him to be there I’ve been craving for some attention lately.
We sit on the couch, and I lay my head on his shoulder, he gently runs his fingers through my hair. We just sit chatting about us. He was telling me how I accept him for who he is, how when he gets cranky I allow him to be cranky. I laughed. I don’t really allow him to be cranky, when he’s cranky I just take the piss out of him until he starts to laugh. He then said how he missed my smart arse comments and how I make him feel. He asked if he should stop telling me how much he missed about me, I told him that maybe he should. I told him that he shouldn’t have come, but I’m glad he did. I told him that I wasn’t going to sleep with him because until now we’ve been doing really well (also I feel like he knew I was vulnerable and was using that to his advantage) he told me he didn’t come because he expected me to sleep with him but just that he wanted to be with me. My heart was melting slowly inside. If only he was single, if only.
“Hey you’re tired” he said.
He was right I was completely shattered these past few days had really taken things out of me.
“How about I put you to bed for old times sake” he said.
I couldn’t argue with him, he picked me up into his arms like he always used too when I was tired and he carried me to my bed (I was already in my jammies it was late when he arrived), he jumped in beside me, he pulled me close, my I’d missed that smell and this closeness, he ran his fingers through my hair and kissed my forehead. I fell asleep in his arms.
I remember waking up to use the loo and he was still there and when I came back from the loo he asked me if I was ok, to which I said I was fine (although I’d already started to think about Gifty and if Gifty was me, how I’d feel and why when it comes to Flatmate does he manage to have this hold on me, I also was thinking I should really put this to an end before it starts, Christmas is coming I don’t want to be thinking about Flatmate being with Gifty at Christmas, thoughts were already consuming my mind) yep I’m fine I said. I snuggled up and went back to sleep.
I woke up this morning and in true Flatmate style he was gone and the bed felt extremely empty. I picked up my pillow and cuddled it to me, why does he do it to me, why does he tell me the things I need to hear, why does he make me feel like I’m the only one for him when I know I’m not, why do I allow him to – who knows.
I know you all think bad of me, I know you all think bad of him, but it’s not that clear cut, me and Flatmate we’re so comfortable with each other, we’ve had a connection and even though some people are able to ignore connections they have with other people, our connection is hard to ignore and because we haven't ignored it in the past it makes it even harder now. It’s not easy being me and trust me, I give myself the hardest time out of anyone, so go a head jump on me, criticise me, make me feel bad, but know this nothing you can say, I haven't already said to myself, I know being this close to a taken guy is wrong. I know.
posted by Gretta James at 2:11 AM
6 Comments:
I think you are doing well. As long as you know that hanging out with him too much probably isnt the best of ideas... and that you know that he is taken. Youre keeping all of this in mind, so I think thats a good thing. Just, dont forget it.
fellow reminds me of artie ziff. he also wanted "friendship (with privileges)". i say, has grope gretta week started early this year? i'd hate to miss out.
meanwhile maybe the human fly's hair doesn't grow? so haircuts may seem pointless to him.
*sigh*
...and the vicious cycle of self-abuse continues. :(
If the connection is all that, I don't get why he's with Gifty!? Clearly I've missed something here. AND, I don't think badly of you AT ALL! But I do know you deserve better and he's just taking what he can and it's lame.
So totally not at all judging you.
I agree with KB. Connection is all good, but he's clearly not feeling the same connection as you or he wouldn't be with Gifty. Try and keep that at the front of your mind. He may want you, but he doesn't want you enough.
Post a Comment
<< Home